tam

I have had a problem all my life with low self esteem,self image. I often wonder if that was the cause of falling in love with an addict and staying in an unhealthy relationship, Im sure it was.
anyway, I cant seem to overcome this. The long marriage (27 years) alongwith the mental abuse of living with addiction and now being divorced has made me feel worse.
again, I know this could be all normal but wanted to know if anyone has thoughts on this and how to overcome it.
I can run for miles and I feel great, I work fulltime, take care of the house all by myself, take care of the finances etc and Im proud of that and have been told by many how strong I am, Im in great shape, pretty,funny etc...yet inside Im not. inside I dont see it.
to top things off friends & family quite dont understand addiction and just tell me to move on, get over it , he is sick..yes he is sick but its an illness that tore us apart and caused such devastation upon me (as well as him) and I just feel Im worthless. last night Dr. Drew was talking how addiction is in fact an illness , just like diabetes etc..yet people dont understand how it affects loved ones emotionally . one family member of mine has no sympathy at all for my ex and doesnt understand why Im not 100% over it,in fact recently we had an stupid argument over facebook and he called me a loser,addict (where that came from I dont know) and the low blow was he said I was not a good wife..sadly this was my best friend my brother.. another family member (who btw is married to a former addict) tells me to go find a guy.she is just a happy go lucky gal and Im miserable..I feel scarred inside. I feel wounded. I want to cry sometimes the pain is so much.
gosh, I know war veterans have a difficult time overcoming the physical & mental hardship with being in a war and I can relate to that.
I think Im having a bad day!!!
tomorrow night my divorce group who has over 450 members online is holding a seminar on self image..Im afraid to go!! Im afraid I will be the only one! funny but really not.
does anyone have ideas on books that are good to read for this? can anyone give hope that this too shall pass?
I dont go to meetings anymore, I dont want to keep talking about addiction . I hope I dont sound selfish but I felt like I was getting PTSD..wish there was a group for people who broke up due to addiction..
thank you for reading this..I hope I didnt scare anyone who is thinking of breaking up because I truly know deep inside it was the best decision..
just another bump in the road I guess..also I did go to various therapists and that didnt seem to help ,plus now I cant afford it ..

neferkamichael

Sound like to me Tam the only thing wrong is you're having a bad day. So I'm beaming all my postive energy to ya right now.

cc88

My mother-in-law is in a similar situation. Although the addiction wasn't substances, it was other women, the damage done to her head resembles what you're describing. The only thing that has helped her is pulling herself away from the people telling her bad things, surrounding herself with supportive people, and going to one on one counseling sessions with a psychiatrist. She feels a lot better lately.

And yes, addiction is a disease, but you always have the CHOICE to check into rehab. An addict in active addiction is like an ill person who refuses to go to/listen to a doctor. They DON'T choose to use. But they choose every day not to get help.

You're doing the right things by keeping busy and healthy. I would say some one on one counseling might help. And as far as affording it, my mother in law had the same problem. When it comes down to it, we afford what is highest on our priority list. I would suggest making it rather high on your totem pole. Just my humble opinion.

Hugs

sofacat

"he called me a loser,addict ."
"he said I was not a good wife."
"sadly this was my best friend my brother"

Doesn't sound like your best friend to me. A friend would never say anything that mean-spirited and hurtful.


"I have had a problem all my life with low self esteem,self image. I often wonder if that was the cause of falling in love with an addict and staying in an unhealthy relationship, Im sure it was."

Have you been exploring Codependence?
Have you read "Codependent No More"?

tam

I spent alot of money on therapy the last 2 years, unfortunately now my ins.has a $2500.00 deductible, I have to chose between my cancer checkups or therapy ,neither one I can afford.

Yes, I guess Im having a bad day. I need to keep reminding myself these days will come and also to stay away from people who arent supportive or like to brag how great their lives are , that certianly doesnt help me. I dont wish harm to anyone, I dont wish what happened to us on anyone..so think its best to continue what Im doing,taking care of me and only me. just get tired I guess from not only the physical aspects of taking care of everything by myself also but the emotional aspects as well in trying to move on.

thank you for your replies,got to take it 1 day at a time

outtolunch

Please consider EMDR therapy. It has the potential to help you put necessary emotional distance between you and the trauma.

inpieces314

I have absolutely horrible self esteem. It is actually negative, if that can be true. It bothers my boyfriend, but I don't know where it all came from, because someone must have drilled into my head what a loser I am when I was younger and don't remember it.

That said, I do know my strengths. I am extremely smart and faithful, and if you call me anything derogatory in reference to my intelligence or sexual appetite, be prepared to get hit. Anything else is probably true, but I KNOW how smart I am and I KNOW how many people I have slept with. Just sayin'.

Also, I would like to add that self-esteem is a learned behavior. Just like you learned to have low self esteem, you can learn to bring it back up. It is very very hard, and I would be lying if I said I have succeeded at it, but it can be done.

tam

that is awesome anvilhead!...you know I have been thinking & thinking about what exactly is on my mind and have known for many years and was in denial about insecurity I have which probaly leads into low self esteem.
thank you for sharing your story.years ago I was an aerobic instructor, the woman who ran it became ill and asked me to take over, I thought I would pass out but I did it and the women loved me..but over the years I will be honest to say I lost myself and we all know why as Im sure many can relate.

Im going tomorrow night no matter what, even if I crawl in shaking..just like my alanon meetings & divorce meetings.the first time is the hardest but soooooo worth going.

Im going to read the link & buy some spandex have to get out my safety/comfort zone

thank you

outtolunch

OT- My sister teaches aerobics and dance in addition to her day job. She does so in spanx. She lives in fear that one day she is going to blow a hole in the spanx and then.....

milo88

Hey tam,
I can so relate! My ex died from his addiction, but I too am having a hard time with my self esteem. For me it was 15 years, and that is a long time to spend with someone, 27 is even longer!!
I also have suffered from low self esteem most of my life, but even if I hadn't I think I'd be feeling pretty bad now anyway. My brother is also my best friend, but he didn't even come to the funeral. Recently he did apologise to me and said he didn't go because he had come to resent my ex for all the problems, and was scared I would go down the same path. I'm glad he explained a bit. I felt like I'd lost him too.
But others don't seem to understand that addict of not, and wrongly or rightly, I loved him. It was hard enough living through what I did, and I have horrible feelings of failure about not being able help him like I wanted to. It hurts even more to have others show no respect for your relationship. After all, even relationships that don't contain addiction have their problems!
I too wish there was a support group for people that have come out of long term relationships with addicts.
Addiction doesn't make everything else null and void, it's just an added hardship, and there is more to get over when they're gone.
Thanks for posting! I felt less alone reading your post. Many hugs. We need to be strong xxxx

tam

milo88, I am so very,very sorry for your loss ....as much as we know we didnt cause it or can cure it, it is still a very very difficult thing to go through. I knew way before our breakup what it was doing to both of us, but I didnt think these feelings would linger and the pain would be so hard somedays.
my brother is going through difficult times as well, he lost his wife a few years ago from cancer and his recent fiance kids are in trouble as well. he lashed out on me because he doesnt understand addiction and gets upset hearing about it.very angry too. I dont talk about it but he sees what it did to me and the struggles I have. all my brothers are dear to me and have been there for me when I was sick 2 times and through the divorce as well. I just dont think family knows what to do sometimes, they get hurt and angry too. they want it to end for us,they want us to get better and like you said they are angry at the addicts.
I too can forgive someday I know he will apologize. I would be lying if I said
I never lashed out on a loved one and said very awful things while going through this..and I did apologize, thats what anger does so we understand.
also, I will also like to share that having cancer 2 times doesnt compare to this. some people cant imagine why I say that. there is a divorced girl in my group who also had cancer and she agrees. I wasnt angry at cancer, I didnt cry much, I didnt have low self esteem, I didnt say why?, I didnt feel betrayed,abandoned, unloved,although I could have lost my life but yet I wasnt overwhelmed with fear of the future or think about why it was happening, it just did..I just fought through it..this
is harder much harder...Its so emotional, hurts deep deep inside..cancer was a physical illness where you do what you have to to survive and get back on your feet and appreciate life, yeah maybe some side affects and fear of relapse but its doable. in time it doesnt make you think about it 24/7,this does. I guess we have to fight through this too..

I hope someday this is doable for you and everyone on here. speaking about it and getting support will help and to know your not alone really really eases your mind, very important to talk about it.

I want to share something as well. when I was sick I told my husband and wrote in my journal how I loved him, how I would miss him, how I wanted him to be happy and move on with his life if something happened to him and I also told him that I wanted him to remember me for who I was, not for the illness I had...that was very important to me. I hope someday you too can remember your husband for who he was not for the illness he had. Im sure that is his wish as well.

again, my sincere condolences milo88...like I tell everyone, we are SURVIVORS,WARRIORS....we will get through this somehow someway..you too stay strong and thank you for sharing your thoughts..xxxooo

p.s. have you looked into bereavement support groups?