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Learning to leave an opiate addict.

Old 02-12-2012, 04:14 PM
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Learning to leave an opiate addict.

I'm new to this and my story is quite long..although I'm sure I will soon read similar stories. Which is exactly why I am so happy I found this website. I would love to talk to people that can relate to my story, and share their own experiences with me. I feel so alone and yet I know I'm not.
My (now ex) boyfriend and I met a few years ago, before he even tried 'blues'. We talked for about nine months before we actually started dating. During those nine months he met and found the girl he's really been dating the last two years...Ms. Roxy. I know many of you are also dating, or have dated, people that had their lives taken over by this nasty little drug. I was not prepared for it..the most I had ever done was drink, and my friends (at the time) were in the same boat as me.
We fell in love fast. We moved way too fast; but we didnt care because it just felt right..it still feels right..
About two months after we got 'serious' about our relationship, he started acting odd. He would explode with rage over things that didn't even happen..he'd make up stories and believe them..but only occassionally. I went to his house to tell him I couldn't be with someone that was so unpredictable emotionally, and that's when he told me about his addiction to roxies. I didn't get it..I just couldn't understand because I had never done anything close to it before. I researched and researched and tried to help. I automatically believed he was clean when he said he 'stopped taking them', because i didnt realize how hard it is to stop. For the past two years he has been on and off roxies, but mostly on. This past August he totalled his car and broke his foot. He had taken two roxies and a bar right before the accident. Since then, he has had the right mentality--he needs to get clean or he is going to end up in jail or dead. He went on suboxone through a doctor (or so i thought). It turned out he was getting the suboxone on the street and whenever he couldnt get them, he would substitute it with a blue. In November he went...nuts...on me for no reason. I was terrified of him..I had been, for months. Many bad things had happened during our relationship--but only when he was on the blues. Sober, he's an angel. Of course, that's what everyone seems to say also.
Anyway, in November I told him I was done. And he pleaded with me to just help him get better. So I did. He withdrew--went through almost a month of physical hell. I spent every waking moment making sure he wasnt doing drugs and was getting clean. And then I got offered a full time teaching position. All of January I was very busy. He relapsed..worse than before..resorting to heroin a couple of times that blues were unavailable. He was only taking enough not to get sick. Obviously this is not a good thing, but it gave me some hope that he was still committed. And then one night he was supposed to come to my house, I warned him earlier that he was not to see or speak to his former drug dealer who happened to be his best friend. However, he stopped at his friend's house before coming to mine. I lost it. I ended it. I was tired of questioning, tired of worrying, tired of setting boundaries. But I love him. So much it hurts. And it's only been a month since the break up. Since then, he really HAS seen a doctor and was put on the suboxone program for one year. He is doing great so far..meetings every day. Of course I don't trust him. I have hope..but not trust. He hasn't tried to contact me because he knows he has to do this for himself. But its killing me not to be with him. I want to see him, I love him. I want to help him. I want to be there for him in his time of need. But i dont want to be there for the relapse--only to look like a fool once again. the last thing he told me was that he loves me and thanks me, but he will never trust me again because i left him when he needed me most. and therefore he will never take ME back. I find this unfair and cruel, although i do understand. I told him i was committed to this. i told him id love him thru the good and the bad. and i left him when he needed me most.
i dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to lose him forever. i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i offered taking a six month break--no talking, no nothing--but he said he would have gotten over me by then. which hurts because i dont think ill ever REALLY be over him. but maybe it just wasnt meant to be.
hearing experiences from all of you strong people would really be beneficial right now. thank you for taking the time out to read this.
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Old 02-12-2012, 05:08 PM
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Thinking about differences...

I know I just posted the above..but I started thinking about something else...
After two years of ups and downs, highs and lows--I stop to ask myself a question I have never really thought to ask myself. Is his irratic behavior really just the drugs? The (very few) times that he has been clean, he is, like I've said, an angel, sweet, loving, generous--perfect. But my mother hates him; thinks he is evil. She said "drugs don't change a person THAT much". I have fought her and fought her on this for years. But now I just have to wonder if she could possibly be right. How much of this is his personality? How much is the effects of the drugs?
I wonder if anyone has experienced the extremes in personalities that I have..and then got through it..forgave the addict..and lived to tell a happy ending. I have often feared I would not make it out of the argument alive. How much of it did I bring upon myself? Maybe if I had just shut my mouth and 'yes'd' him to death, he would not have become so violent. I knew what I was doing each time the violence occurred--I was letting my own anger get the best of me, and I was antagonizing him.
Do all opiate addicts get violent while they are coming down off of their high? Or is it something in his personality that he cannot control? If I stayed with him, would I have regretted it EVEN IF he remained clean?
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Old 02-12-2012, 05:23 PM
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I lost it. I ended it. I was tired of questioning, tired of worrying, tired of setting boundaries. But I love him. So much it hurts. And it's only been a month since the break up.
What you did here took a lot of courage. You need to recognize that. Not everyone here was able to do what you did.

And what you're describing is a textbook case of codependency. I know why you checked to make sure he wasn't using: out of love, and out of fear. I don't think any of us who have fallen in love with an addict has had an idea of what we were in for until it was too late.

i offered taking a six month break--no talking, no nothing--but he said he would have gotten over me by then. which hurts because i dont think ill ever REALLY be over him.
I hope you see how manipulative his remarks are.

You have come to the right place. I would suggest start reading the posts, especially the "sticky notes" at the top of the main page. I would also suggest that you find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. I know you're hurting right now. All of us here have been through something similar. But although you may not believe it, you will heal. Your AXBF is very sick. There's nothing you can do about that; it's his cross to bear. You have to understand it's time that you take care of you. Coming here is a good first step. The fact that you left him shows that you have courage. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel good. In fact, a lot of times it hurts. But I'll be honest: I wish I had the courage you had when I was faced with not dissimilar circumstances with my AXGF.

Please, be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. And God Bless.

ZoSo
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Old 02-12-2012, 05:25 PM
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Thank you, zoso77. Your kind words really mean a lot. It's very helpful to see that I am not alone and that so many people have gone through similar situations.
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Old 02-12-2012, 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
What you did here took a lot of courage. You need to recognize that. Not everyone here was able to do what you did.

And what you're describing is a textbook case of codependency. I know why you checked to make sure he wasn't using: out of love, and out of fear. I don't think any of us who have fallen in love with an addict has had an idea of what we were in for until it was too late.



I hope you see how manipulative his remarks are.

You have come to the right place. I would suggest start reading the posts, especially the "sticky notes" at the top of the main page. I would also suggest that you find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. I know you're hurting right now. All of us here have been through something similar. But although you may not believe it, you will heal. Your AXBF is very sick. There's nothing you can do about that; it's his cross to bear. You have to understand it's time that you take care of you. Coming here is a good first step. The fact that you left him shows that you have courage. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel good. In fact, a lot of times it hurts. But I'll be honest: I wish I had the courage you had when I was faced with not dissimilar circumstances with my AXGF.

Please, be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. And God Bless.

ZoSo
cool zoso, I'm a big page fan myself.....I have the zoso symbol tattooed on my right wrist.
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Old 02-12-2012, 05:35 PM
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"Where the Mighty Arms of Atlas hold the Heavens from the Earth"...

Gotta love Jimmy.

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Old 02-12-2012, 05:46 PM
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Welcome Tired, and thank you for telling your story. It helps us all.

Did he assault you? Threaten your life? Was the violence emotional or also physical?

Many opiate addicts use cocaine or amphetamines to "stabilize" the opiate effects. Stimulants can definitely provoke violence.

Maybe some of the RA's on the site will be along to address his violent outbursts.

You did not deserve his cruel knife- to- the -gut punishing remark about how he will GET EVEN with you (my God) by never giving you a second chance. Very very sick. This is calculated cruelty meant to destroy. If he said this while on suboxone only, then my guess is he is a malignant narcissist. If he said it high on stimulants--coke, meth-- then it could be the violent outcome of the drugs.

But you need to absolutely do what you are so wisely doing right now: stay away from him. He is dangerous to your mental and emotional survival, possibly a threat to your life, and right now the only answer, as Zoso recommends, is to go to Nar-Anon or another group for codependents affected by addicts, and seek support. You are a victim of trauma.

Again, welcome to SR. There is much experience here from so many. They will be here for you.
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Old 02-12-2012, 06:00 PM
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(Scene 1)
"When I met him, he was sober XX number of years/months and that they used to have an addiction problem. (the set up)
You're the only one who has ever understood me/that I can talk to/that has made me feel this way. (the reel in)
The fast relationship (they can only be on their good behavior for so long)
Yup. Fell for that. Hook, line, and sinker...
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:01 PM
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Thank you everyone for your help. Cynical, that post hit home and I have seen myself in every single one of those scenes.

English Garden, yes he has physically hurt me numerous times. Unbuckled me and threatened to crash the car just because he randomly 'remembered' that I slept with people before we met. Every act of violence has been on a day where he has taken painkillers. He claims he's never done cocaine in his life. I guess I'm answering my own question by asking if the drugs are only enhancing his personality then...


.....re-reading what I just wrote makes me feel insane to have stayed with him. I can't decide if I am downplaying the situation in my mind or if I am making excuses for him. I just don't know anymore.
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:10 PM
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So chilling to hear this, Tired.

Have you read about the "stockholm syndrome." Our minds lose reason when we are with an abuser. Please don't blame yourself for your emotional turmoil. You just need some support and some guidance.

That post by Cynical was very powerful. Someone here always nails it.
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:12 PM
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Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
Thank you everyone for your help. Cynical, that post hit home and I have seen myself in every single one of those scenes.

English Garden, yes he has physically hurt me numerous times. Unbuckled me and threatened to crash the car just because he randomly 'remembered' that I slept with people before we met. Every act of violence has been on a day where he has taken painkillers. He claims he's never done cocaine in his life. I guess I'm answering my own question by asking if the drugs are only enhancing his personality then...


.....re-reading what I just wrote makes me feel insane to have stayed with him. I can't decide if I am downplaying the situation in my mind or if I am making excuses for him. I just don't know anymore.
Hey, a lot of us, with the gift of hindsight, look at what we went through with our addicts and say to ourselves, Why did we stay so long? It's inevitable that we do that sort of thinking. But I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. You're already having a hard enough time.

My hope for you is that you learn from this experience, heal, and grow...you'll be OK, provided you start taking care of you.

ZoSo
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:51 PM
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Cynical One bumped a post today that seems relevant here:

****Things that used to signal danger no longer feel so dangerous. There simply aren't enough "danger" chemicals or receptors to accurately convey the appropriate feelings. At this point loved ones may begin accepting very dangerous situations as OK. For example they may feel it is a good idea to track down a loved one at a dealer's house, or accept a loved one who is violent and abusive in their home. They may make a choice to allow a dangerous person to be around their children. This is not because the loved one just isn't making good choices. More accurately it is because their brain chemistry has been altered by the constant chaos, and they no longer have the right feelings that would initiate safe choices. Unacceptable behavior doesn't feel as truly dangerous as it is. ****

Full thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
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Old 02-12-2012, 08:25 PM
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Thank you so much. This is very helpful, and I greatly appreciate it. I feel so...stupid, honestly. I'm confused. My heart and my brain are telling me two different things. This is the longest I've gone without him, and even though I'm sad, I feel..relieved.
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Old 02-12-2012, 09:55 PM
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Tired: Welcome. You have good self-insight. I'm the mother of an addict son who's DOC is bars and blues. You pretty much described him in your posts above. Yes, my AS "can" be an angel, when he wants to be, but he's the same person underneath it all, drugs or not. I agree with your mom on this, drugs impair ones abilities but they don't necessarily change their inherent character, per se, but possibly "enhance it". My AS has gone the rehab route, jail time, suboxene, methadone, all multiple times, and so far has always gone back to his bars and blues. This has been going on since 2006.

One thing you should know is that with the bars, when the person takes a handful, that's when they become crazy and violent. Taken 'as prescribed" I guess can be a useful medication to treat anxiety, but taken like addicts eat them, they push away all inhibitions and cause aggression, and often no memory of it afterwards. That's what they use to get up the courage to go kicking in doors to rob people or pharmacies, or so I've been told.

My AS is in Methadone treatment now, and he continues to use, which he knows and I know is a recipe for death. He uses blues, morphine, dilauded, and of course his bars or k-pins, all containdicated with methadone, and he is well aware. And yet what's really crazy is that before I found this site, his use was causing me so much pain that I was just about ready to end my own life because I could not find any solutions, no light at the end of the never ending tunnel. My AS said and did all the things you've described, only from the perspective of son to mother and I collapsed under the manipulation, time and time again. And my sticking by him, my helping him, my moral support, being there for him - only "helped" him to continue using.

You stated in a post that you feel relief. Relief is a good thing .

I have a theory (don't know if it's blessed by nar-anon, aa or whatever, but I'd guess it would be ), but my theory is, "If a person in a relationship causes more stress than they eliminate for the other one, then it's time to re-evaluate". IMO, in any healthy relationship, there should not be an unhealthy balance of one person doing all the stressing and the other doing all the relieving of stress, or the taking care. Healthy folks take turns "helping" each other through life, through relationships. Addicts and codies don't do this in a healthy way. Did your ABF eliminate more stress in your life for you than he caused? Just a thought.
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Old 02-13-2012, 06:44 AM
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And yet what's really crazy is that before I found this site, his use was causing me so much pain that I was just about ready to end my own life because I could not find any solutions, no light at the end of the never ending tunnel. My AS said and did all the things you've described, only from the perspective of son to mother and I collapsed under the manipulation, time and time again. And my sticking by him, my helping him, my moral support, being there for him - only "helped" him to continue using.
KuanYin, This is a very powerful statement. So many of us truly just want to help, and we don't realize that by helping, we are really only hurting.

I'm so sorry that your son has put you through this and I truly hope he fights this disease in the end. It's comforting to hear that I am not the only one who has had to deal with violence, lieing and deceit. I started thinking maybe I was at fault for the way I was viewing my significant other. I started to feel like a bad person.

I have a couple of questions for you, KuanYin, if you don't mind answering them of course. Has your son ever WANTED to be clean? Has he ever sat you down and told you that he was not strong enough and that he admits he needs a lot of help?
Also, has he ever tried to be in a relationship while he has been spiraling down this path?

Your post gave me so much insight and really hit home. Sometimes blunt honesty is the only way--and I more than appreciate everyone who has taken this approach. I'm tired of people sugarcoating the situation and saying "he will get better once he's on suboxone", or "he will get better when he gets a sponsor". He's done all of these things. He doesn't get better. He just hides it better.
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:27 AM
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hi

my as is also a blues user , although he has tried pretty much everything , right now he is on and off subs if you can figure that out, i guess he abuses them as well so sometimes he will use the subs and sometimes go back to the blues. My son is no angel on or off drugs, hes needy clingly and a baby, he has alot of growing up to do with that said I have figured out that subs work well for people that actually want off drugs. At this point hes nowhere ,just floating through life , he did mention a couple of times he wanted to detox then go to a half way house but talking dont mean a thing so i dont really listen anymore, i used to get my hopes up, and i have figured out that at this point in time he is just too weak to fight for his life, he doesnt want recovery badly enough and nothing i can do will change that they may say alot of things mine always does but actions speak louder than words . The sad truth to me at least is that for now he is hijacked by drugs, a prisoner , unwilling to help himself find a way out. Honestly who are we as parents , gf, bf, friends and family compared to there doc , i dont take it personal i used to , its just greater than anything or anyone , until well until one day it isnt for them anymore.
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:24 PM
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You know, my boyfriend calls me Roxy. Some people think it is a cute nickname, but it's really because he's addicted to them, and actually compared me to them once. I find it offensive, but I am used to it now.
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:30 PM
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The sad truth to me at least is that for now he is hijacked by drugs, a prisoner , unwilling to help himself find a way out.
Lonelystar, it may be a sad way to put it, but it is true.

Beth
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:33 PM
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My RABF was never violent when he was getting off the pain pills. He had some problems with anger--he was moody and would start yelling. However, he never did anyhing violent. Violence would be a deal-breaker for me. My mom has been in many violent relationships. I've seen what it does to the abused and to the abused family up front. It is terrible, and the abuse gets worse. Yeah, the abuser makes lots of excuses and promises. One of my mom's bf/abusers blamed it on nicotine withdrawels! She would make excuses for him, but then he'd be even more violent a few days later. She ended up in the hospital due to the abuse. She has come close to being killed a few times.
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
Since then, he really HAS seen a doctor and was put on the suboxone program for one year. He is doing great so far..meetings every day. Of course I don't trust him. I have hope..but not trust. He hasn't tried to contact me because he knows he has to do this for himself. But its killing me not to be with him. I want to see him, I love him. I want to help him. I want to be there for him in his time of need. But i dont want to be there for the relapse--only to look like a fool once again.
Good for him. Meetings every day? Cool. He's gone no contact with you because he knows he has to do this for him. Very good.
Of course you'd be afraid of relapse but looks like you'll never have worry about that since he's realised he has closed the book on you/he.
No ***** footing around, going back and forth, wishy washy - he's done you a HUGE favor.

Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
the last thing he told me was that he loves me and thanks me, but he will never trust me again because i left him when he needed me most. and therefore he will never take ME back. I find this unfair and cruel, although i do understand. I told him i was committed to this. i told him id love him thru the good and the bad. and i left him when he needed me most.
I've known many addicts that leave their partners. Moreso than the other way around.
When everything falls apart and the one who supposedly loved us the most left, the easiest way to never fear them doing it again is to move on to someone we can count on.
Again - he's doing you good. Might not feel like it now. You've been given a second chance. So has he. One his own.

Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
i dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to lose him forever. i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i offered taking a six month break--no talking, no nothing--but he said he would have gotten over me by then. which hurts because i dont think ill ever REALLY be over him. but maybe it just wasnt meant to be.
hearing experiences from all of you strong people would really be beneficial right now. thank you for taking the time out to read this.
I'd say if you truly loved this person, truly wanted to be with them for the rest of your life, 6 months ain't nothing. At least not to me. I dunno - maybe I am in the minority on this.

Love doesn't move on that quick. NO WAY. If we're that replaceable, then sure.
So...maybe be confident in your heart, believe in him (without contacting of course), have hope yet don't put all your eggs in one basket....just live life on your own for 6 months. Then see.

What he said that hurt you so much is words said in hurt and anger.
I doubt many people can say they've always spoken in calmness.
Glass house/stones/yada yada.

~~~~~~~~~~ whoa....
I'll leave what I wrote but after reading the next few posts - they totally changed my thoughts on getting back together.

Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
I have often feared I would not make it out of the argument alive. How much of it did I bring upon myself? Maybe if I had just shut my mouth and 'yes'd' him to death, he would not have become so violent.
No...yessing him to death produces same results or shuts it down for then. There's always the next time. Plus the benefit of being in the presence of someone who makes you feel like that is pretty traumatic.
No escape. No way to shut things down.

Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
I knew what I was doing each time the violence occurred--I was letting my own anger get the best of me, and I was antagonizing him.
I'm not very verbal for the most part IF things turn sour. Never was a yeller or arguer. A debate? Sure! Love that. But anger will make me withdraw...
If you had enough gumption to purposely antagonise him like you said, hats of to you. I learned very early in my relationship that nothing was off limits if I didn't yes everything.
Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
Do all opiate addicts get violent while they are coming down off of their high?
Or is it something in his personality that he cannot control? If I stayed with him, would I have regretted it EVEN IF he remained clean?
I'd bet you would of regretted it. But I'm not a betting type.
Really hope you're not either.
Taken your second chance and go live life. Be grateful! Actually, from what you've written - be grateful to of lived through it.
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