wicked

You have to be on the same page, there is no other way. You and your husband cannot allow the addict to run the show. And he will, he will get the two of you at odds if possible. Your husband could love him to death. I wonder how many pain meds your son bought with that money?
Have you considered counseling for you and your husband? So you can get on the same page, and he can hear from a specialist (addiction specialist) that his way is the way to hell paving the road with good intentions.

Wow! I thought it was cool the author stopped here and shared. Excellent.

:rotfxko
Great housewarming gift! LOL

Beth

AllisonBottke

Greetings folks!

Yes, it's me, I'm back again. Truthfully, I don't often connect with Forums or blogs, I can't keep up with it all. Life has gotten a tad crazy since I started writing books on boundaries ...especially since I'm one of the most boundary challenged people I know!

Yet there was something that drew me to the chat stream on this site...

I'm sorry to hear of the issue with your husband giving your son a credit card for "emergencies"... YIKES! That's like giving a heroin addict a needle and telling them only to use it when a button falls off.

I'm not a therapist or a counselor, and I surely don't know all of the specifics...but I do know this... very few parents INTENTIONALLY WANT TO HARM THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE. They often respond in emotional ways to situations when they feel they can, #1. Help, and #2. Stop the Pain (their own, or that of their adult child.)

Opening an honest dialogue with your husband is critical. And so is your responding in love...no matter how angry you are or how wrong your husband was to keep this from you.

I'm not sure of the overall faith component of members on this site, but I believe in God and I believe that He has a plan for everything and everyone....and no matter what happens we CAN control how we respond to people in our lives...and that's the basic crux of setting healthy boundaries...how we respond in any situation.

Okay, I'll get off my soap box now. :-)

washbe2

Ms. Allison B,
Please, stay on your soapbox as long as you like. We are honored that you would take the time to respond to us.

Our hearts have been so heavy for way too long and we are always looking for the courage and wisdom to let go. Been working on it for 20 years and still have trouble (slow learner) with the fear of "what if". The head talk is easy. It's the heart talk that's difficult.

Thank you for caring and sharing.

kmangel

I too thank you, Ms. Bottke. My husband and I have finally started being able to discuss this problem in our lives without anger since reading your book. We are three fourths through the book now, reading a chapter or two a day. I'm hoping that we both will find the strength to face the challenges ahead in the best way possible--without enabling our son.

Rosene

I am at a loss with dealing with my addict 31 year old daughter, who is also bipolar, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and intellectually limited. We always had a rule in our house - no drugs. So in the past, if cheryl would not stop using, she needed to live somewhere else (not with us). Now however, she has an 8 year old son who complicates things. They live with my husband and I. What boundaries can I set for my daughter that do not negatively affect her son, my grandson? I can't ask her to leave, because she'll take her son and put him in a dangerous situation. I need help coming up with appropriate boundaries keeping my grandson in mind.

Rosene

I am interested in what boundaries other parents of addicts have set with their addicted adult children.

Anaya

Hello, Rosene, and welcome! Boundaries are something that (all things considered) have helped to save my sanity. My 21yo currently lives in our home, having been out for some time in the past; though, now that boundaries are in place and practiced, it's a doable situation. For example, I practice and follow through on biting my tongue when I "see" something that I can offer advice on or "try to manage;" though, I do give my opinion when he asks, being careful to not go on and on, as is my default style. As well, he stays here in our home as long as he "follows our house rules."

I wish I could offer thoughts as to boundaries where a grandchild is involved. I see you don't want to have your daughter move out but at the same time, it must be very difficult to have a front row seat to her life.

Others may have ideas that will be helpful. I will pray for your family and also applaud you for looking out for your grandson.

Kindeyes

Hi Rosene
Welcome to SR.....this is a great forum.

Anytime there are children involved, it always complicates things. I don't have any inspiring answers for you. I do have a question. Your daughter has a lot of issues....not just drug addiction.....is she on any medications to help her with those problems or seeing a therapist? Do you have any professionals (therapist or counselor) who might be able to guide you? How chaotic is your life and the life of that little boy as a result of her issues and drug use? Is it a consideration to remove her from the home and retain custody of your grandson?

I think it's important to understand that boundaries are really in place for ourselves....not imposed on other people. Rules are imposed on others, boundaries are for us. So some of my boundaries are:

I will not live with active addiction. (I will remove myself or remove someone else from my home if they are actively using drugs.)

I will not be around anyone who continually shows me disrespect. (I will walk away...)

I will not engage in a circular argument. (I will walk away.)

The biggest problem with boundaries is that we often say we have them but then those boundaries move around........that isn't a boundary. There's a wonderful saying that I first heard in a Nar-Anon meeting......say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. That's a great thought on boundaries.

I also might suggest at some point that you start a new thread and repost your situation and introduce yourself! That way others on the board will recognize that you are new and will welcome you warmly.

gentle hugs
ke

Anaya

Thanks, KE, for pointing out what constitutes boundaries. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn, grow, and share here at SR.

Rosene

Thank you for explaining that boundaries are for us! I never thought of it that way before! That is very helpful. Also, your examples were very helpful! I can get so sucked in to trying to control her when she seems out of control, and it never works. I need to focus on controlling myself and my reactions to her. Why can't I just get the "Let go and let God?" I'm really feeling like that's what I need to do here, as long as my grandson is not in harms way. My daughter agreed to do a urine drug test tonight. Only problem with that is, if she is positive for a drug, THEN what do I do???? If I do nothing, then what's the use of testing her. I can't think of what to do, other than sit down and calmly explain how her behavior is hurting me and our family. Any advise would be most welcome. My daughter is very "simple" mentally. Her last IQ test was around mid 80s. She is chronologically an adult, but not mentally. Plus the many suicide attempts caused further brain damage. Plus she had a stroke in April, which left her with difficulty expressing herself. It is such a complicated situation. I love her, but I hate what she does. I know I have to take care of myself, and I've been doing better at that. Well - thanks for listening! Any advice is MOST welcome and needed!!!

Enable

Hi Ann, I've all your posts, thank you. just quickly what is the best way to find support and help for my mother who has been enabling my 32 year old bro all his life? She wants to stop so bad, but her heart won't let her. She asked me to seek where she might go for help to do so. Lives in WA, just in case u happen to know anywhere, but basic advice search would be soooo appreciated!!!!

lizwig

Hi enable....I know you asked for advice from Ann but while you wait for her to respond you may consider checking the web for al-anon meetings in your area. Your mom may find strength there. The book recommended at the start of this thread was also one of the best I've read so far. It's never too late for your mom to find new coping skills. If nothing changes...nothing changes.