kmangel

I discovered after the recent relapse of my AS, a book by Allison Bottke called "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children." It's a very good book. Hits home, that's for sure.

Ann

I wish I had read that back in the day. Learning to set boundaries and to enforce them was probably the hardest part for me...but it was also the most important thing I ever did.

Hugs

washbe2

That's one I've head good things about. I need it and will get it. Thanks.

kmangel

I can see many of the enabling tendencies that my husband and I have. What winds up happening is that something begins to gnaw at me that something is not right. I've been bothered for many years over the ways my husband has bailed out our sons. Over and over I would question what he did, giving our sons money to fix problems they had created or giving them money to pay for something they should have been paying for themselves. Bailing out a drug addict is a whole other ballgame. I've been guilty, too, of enabling our son--but that is beginning to change. I have seen the light! The book has helped me see where both my husband and I have contributed to much of the dysfunction in our home. Now to get my husband on board. That'll be the hard part.

KuanYin

Heading to Amazon.com now to look for that book!!! Thanks for posting!

kmangel

I sat down with my husband this morning and discussed my observations and perspective of what is going on with our son and us and he is on board! I didn't have to convince him this time (which never worked anyway). Everything I brought up about our past enabling tendencies he agreed with and my suggestions of how to break the cycle he agreed with. Now to do it. Finally, my husband and I seem to be on the same page. I had taken the suggestion in the book to list all the past behaviors we had done that were enabling in nature. My husband agreed with my assessment. There were times in the past where he wouldn't have agreed. So we are moving forward.

KuanYin

kmangle, that's fantastic! Seems like when the time is right, things fall into place. Keep us posted, please.

kmangel

I sat down with my son this morning. He had been gone since Saturday, staying over with his girlfriend, so I had had several long days to think through what the next step would be. He told me he was moving in with his girlfriend which saves my husband and me from getting him to move out or kicking him out. I'm so grateful for that blessing. After a few pleasantries, I got down to the real nitty gritty of our situation. I told him that his Dad and I had done some things in the past that were not in his best interests. I told him of things we were no longer going to fund for him--the phone, the car, graduate school.

When I told him that we had reconsidered paying for graduate school--that his going to school was something he needed to do for himself--he was very unhappy. He became "too anxious" to talk anymore. Ah, poor baby. I said okay and headed off to work.

It feels so good to have begun freeing myself after having been taken advantage of by my son. I understand that a lot of the turmoil was self inflicted by my husband and me by enabling him, but that's now beginning to change.

Freedom1990

Funny how things work out sometimes, yes?

Kudos to you for making it clear to him the things you would no longer be doing for him.

As another parent of an addict, I know what a huge change it is when we stop enabling.

Sending you hugs of support!

outtolunch

Pretend normal and buy them a coffee pot as a house warming gift.

kmangel

We've already discussed the coffee pot! He said his girlfriend doesn't have one but he has one in storage, so he'll be taking it with him to her place when he moves. He did mention her not having an electric skillet, though!

ag0710

kmangel,
I can definitely relate. My wife and I started to give a little more rope to our son who just turned 18 last month and was in recovery for 7-8 months, but then we started to get this uneasy feeling, something unexplainable that just stabs at your gut. We didn't have any proof, but we just knew he had relapsed and we confronted him about it. He eventually admitted to using "a few times", but putting 2 and 2 together we knew it was more than that. Now we are laying down the line with rules and restrictions, including random drug/alcohol tests. I'm hoping that we can keep up with enforcement of these rules, which is where I've had problems in the past.
Thanks for your post...

tjp613

The hard part is follow-thru. Get a plan (or therapist) in place for managing your anxiety when it comes time to stay true to your word. Believe me- it's a lot easier said than done!

AllisonBottke

Just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has posted in this thread about the first book in my Setting Boundaries series. My son was a hard core addict for a long time and it took an equally long time for me to recognize my own enabling behaviors with regards to our relationship dynamic, and how I needed to change how I responded to the choices he was making. When I wrote that book I had no idea how much the message would resonate in the hearts of so many parents and grandparents in pain. I'm a "Recovering Enabler" and it's a one-day-at-a-time journey to set healthy boundaries in ALL OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS. Saying what we mean and meaning what we say -- in love and not in anger -- is critical. But drat those pesky emotions that seem to get in the way and make us do things we know aren't right or that we know we'll regret later! It's a tangled web, the drugs, enabling, desiring to "help" and all....but sanity is possible!

Habit

I have read your book. I refer to it all the time. It was an "eye-opener" for me. Thank you very much!

KuanYin

I remind myself that gut feeling is always right! And "a few times" is like having "a couple of beers". Yeah, right. But let me tell you what your 18 year old already knows about the random drug tests (the urine tests, anyway). These young adults beat them all the time. That's how they can be on probation for years and keep on using, all while being drug tested on a regular and random basis. And no, it's not high doses of vitamin B6 or niacin or any other concoction sold at GNC or any other online site promising to produce a "clean drug screen", it's much more simple than that, and they've got it figured out. I just wanted to alert you that the fact of random drug screens won't impact his decision to use or not. If you're interested I could tell you how they 'beat the test' (I've worked as a lab tech, and in a substance abust treatment center in the past), but I'm afraid the post might violate terms of service??? I don't know, still pretty new here. However, if you want to know what your 18 year old knows, and see for yourself how they beat the drug test, take a look at a site called (and beware) erowid dot com. It's very graphic, and not for the faint of heart, so be forewarned, if you decided to look, but I doubt there's a teen or young adult who "uses" who isn't intimately familiar with that site.

wicked

AllisonBottke,

Thank you very much for stopping by, another coincidence for me.
I was scanning Amazon about detaching, and putting it into practice.
Then, I saw your name and thought "cool name". :rotfxko
Now, my 21 year old is here! Geez.
Yep, I need help with my adult children.

Beth

kmangel

Boy, I was sure surprised to see the author chime here on my thread. Never had that happen before!

Yesterday I sat down and read the book with my husband. We were still having some problems being on the same page about our enabling habits, but our reading the book together has helped a lot. As much as I've tried to express my concerns to my husband, it often winds up bringing up other problems and nothing really gets resolved--just old hurts dredged back up. We got through half the book yesterday, which kept us focussed, and I hope he'll read the rest of it with me.

ctg492

For years before the son's addiction problem became the reality, our saying was "it's only a problem if we could not buy our way out of it". Is that stupid or what??? Yes this was our saying for our two sons. Court costs, tickets, lawyers, new cars......

kmangel

One thing I've noticed over the years is dishonesty--and not just from our AS. My husband had given our son a credit card to "use only in an emergency". My view on the credit card, that it was not a good idea, fell on deaf ears. A couple years ago our son in two months ran up $9,000 on the card. I did get wind of the charges appearing on the card, but my husband told me his card had been lifted some how and used. My husband only last week admitted he thinks it was our son's doing. There were charges for pain clinics which we now know he was going to to get drugs. I had no idea my husband suspected him. My husband told me he did confront our son, our son admitted to some of the charges but not all, and my husband (finally) cancelled the credit card (and paid it off himself).

I've got bigger problems here than just my son's drug addiction. My husband probably was trying to protect me from knowing the truth about our son, but it was not the right thing to do. We need to be honest with each other.