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My Boundary

Old 02-12-2012, 05:40 PM
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My Boundary

As a warning this post might raise a heated debate on methadone - that is not what i am interested in. I have done the research for and against.
All of us have our own boundaries that fit into our lives - but not into the next recovering codie's life.

History I am a recovering alcoholic and huffer for the last 20 years.
I was a codie in my first marriage. In 2005 I started working on myself and ended up getting a divorce. I have worked my program.
Because of my history - before the current relationship got serious I advised AB that I did not want to be with an addict or someone that used "recreationally."
My warning did not good.

Here I am in 2012 with an addict. DOC oxy (if not available cocaine). Recently he has been a weekend binger.

So it took me a couple of years to realize I was not working my recovery anymore.

The past couple of months I have been working on my recovery and the steps. i do not go to meetings. I go for my therapy assessment in 2 weeks. I am working at enjoying my life and myself again.

AB has never worked on recovering. This is his first attempt. Monday he goes for an assessment for an intensive outpatient. He has been more regular with meetings.

AB has started MMT (Methadone Maintenance). AB has been working and making sure he gets into the program. My initial reaction was being very unsure. I suggested that he wait until his assessment on Monday for a 2nd opinion. Ab started the Methadone on Thursday.

I have done a lot of reading, research, praying about it. I guess hoping AB would change his mind about it. Or maybe I would find that it was positive.

I fully understand that once the dose is stabilized things can change. I know they need to find the right dose and he needs to build a tolerance. But I have to live in the here and now. Sadly it living with AB on MMT is like living with AB on oxy's everyday. The high look, the attitude, the behavior is all there. Although Ab doesn't see any of this. AB states he is the best he has been in a long time. He feels great. My mind whispers "that is cause you are under the effects of Methadone" AB used to buy methadone cause he likes the feeling.

I have prayed about this. Thinking I can just wait it out.

I can't.

I need other roads to recovery attempted 100% first. I needed Methadone to be done as a tool at a later time, if other methods fail. I needed, but this isn't my recovery. This isn't my choice.

My choice - My boundary - I can't live with an addict under the effects of a mind altering substance. Living with Methadone for the past 4 days is too much like living with a active addict. Early recovery is hard enough, methadone is making it worse.

I know some might not understand my boundary. I don't expect agreements.

It stinks - as I realize he may be on the road to recovery and i look like I am bailing after sticking with him through the active addiction.

I wish him the best.
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:03 PM
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(((Gorrie))) - I agree...you don't have to justify a darned thing. This is YOUR life, and if it's not working for you? The greatest gift you can give yourself is to do what is best for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-12-2012, 09:30 PM
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Thank you all. I have a horrible history of having to justify every move.
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Old 02-13-2012, 09:43 AM
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I can relate to having to justify your actions to people. Many of my family members do not understand why I do not help i.e. 'rescue' my adult son. So I do not discuss it with them.

I have a family member working very long hours to support an AD that was in prison and now says he can't find a job. He has spent the insurance money from his father's death and refused to speak to the mother until the money ran out. The mother looked so tired the last time I saw her. I know how hard it is to 'let go and let God'. This is a religious woman and she had to testify in court so I know the guilt is huge.

Family members have tried to talk to her and she just gets angry and tells them it's none of their business. I can understand wanting to help your child at any age, but they have to help themselves first. And she just can't seem to comprehend that she is enabling, not helping.

I applaud you for your strength in overcoming your addiction, and for your strength in seeing that you do not want to live a life with an AB.
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