Krystal32

This is a post from one of the stickies in this forum that was posted by Ann that she had gotten from another member and I wanted to repost it here because I feel like sometimes we need to be reminded that there is another side to all of our stories, the addicts side.....

**I'm an addict and was addicted to heroin myself for years.

I remember lying to my boyfriend about my use. Everything I ever told him about my use was a lie.

Know this: from my own experience, addicts do not lie because they somehow get a sick pleasure from manipulating others. That simply isn't the case. We lie for one reason, and one reason only, and that is so we could continue to get high.

I felt terrible after I lied to my boyfriend about my use. I felt like the scum of the earth. But I was so incredibly hooked I had convinced myself that living without heroin would have made everything worse.

You see, here's the thing about us "manipulative" addicts. We aren't just lying and manipulating those around us. Were lying and manipulating ourselves. Our addictions are experts at manipulating our own minds so we continue using.

That said, I don't think your boyfriend will be able to stop any time soon. I truly believe that most heroin addicts need to hit a very low bottom before we can stop. Heroin creates in us such a powerful great feeling that it takes an equally low bottom before we truly realize we can no longer use. Most addicts need the immediate decision to quit to be made for them by their circumstances, like homelessness.

Your boyfriend is on the titanic. Whether you want to stay on the sinking ship with him or not is truly up to you. But as long as you don't use and as long as you don't enable him to use you shouldn't be harming him or yourself. You could actually be one of the few positive people in his life. He will never be able to quit for your sake. That is not to make him sound selfish. Most addicts can't even quit for their own sake.

You have to decide for yourself what to do. I've never met either of you. As a recovering addict myself, I don't think I could stay with an addict. The disease is too selfish. As much as he wishes he could, he will not be able to give you the amount of attention he feels he needs to give to heroin right now. Hopefully if you choose to leave him, it will make his descent towards his bottom much faster so he can quit soon.

Addiction is pretty selfish, but not by choice. I have been reading this forum a lot, and a lot of you relatives/spouses of addicts seem to think that we addicts gain some sick pleasure from lying, manipulating, and stealing from you. From my own experience, I hated doing all of those things. And I never do any of those things now that I'm sober. But in my addiction, I truly felt like I didn't even had a choice. I was convinced that if I didn't use I would die, somehow. So please don't demonize us. Addicts are going through our own personal, unique hell that by the grace of god you will never have to experience for yourselves.**


I wanted to post this because I think it can help everyone in this forum because we all struggle daily to understand why all these horrible things happen to us, why the addicts in our lives do what they do. We all get so frustrated, angry, hurt, confused, the list just goes on and on. With a post like this I think it can shed some light on why addicts do what they do and it can help us to better understand their disease, to understand that they are not BAD people, they are sick. And in turn this can help us to detach with love, instead of with anger and resentment because detaching from someone with such negative emotions will just continue to eat at us even though we have pulled away from our addict and that's not true happiness

HopefulGF65

Very good reminder. If we start losing sight of the big picture in all this, if nothing else, we can get consumed with resentment and it WILL eat us up. It's only been a week for me since I have begun this journey of detachment and working on myself and all it took was spending a few extra minutes dwelling on something my bf admitted to and i could feel the resentment and anger starting to swirl around in my head. Questions like "why?" and "how could he do this to ME" and I stopped myself because if I've learned nothing else this week from coming to this board, I've learned it's not personal. And that is the hardest thing for me, a somewhat sensitive person to begin with, to accept and believe

It should never blind us to staying in a destructive or even dangerous situation but the sooner we gain a clearer understanding of our role in all this, the better we can be forourselves.

thanks Krystal

Krystal32

Hopeful, I have to say that you have made a tremendous amount of progress this past week and you should feel so proud of yourself

I am glad this post has helped you to see things clearer, I know it definitely did that for me. It really helped me to see that my fiance was not doing these things to intentionally hurt me and that has helped me to be able to let go of a lot of anger and move forward.

zoso77

I believe that, by large, this is true. But, IMHO, there are outliers.

My AXGF did take pleasure in hurting me at the end. She lied about everything. She manipulated me without me realizing it until I started going to Al Anon and reading up on character disorders. At the end, she revealed herself to be a sadist. Yes, she's sick, and I don't want anything to happen to her regarding her well-being. At the same time, though, just because someone is sick doesn't mean they're exempt from taking responsibility for their actions. It doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable for what they do.

Krystal32

I never said that they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. I'm just trying to help others to understand WHY they do these things, not to say that what they do is acceptable

Chino

Omitting the aging part, our daughter did the same. I overheard her and there was glee in her voice. It wasn't enough that she stole from us, she found a sick joy in twisting the knife. She was punishing us for our failings. There's evil in everyone, and her drug of choice exposed hers.

In case anyone thinks I'm projecting, she admitted this when she found recovery. She makes amends one day at a time

Krystal32

Cynical, I am sorry for what you have been through and I'm sorry to hear that even after becoming clean, the addict in your life still continued to lie and manipulate. Clearly this post does not speak to EVERYONE'S situation. All I am trying to do is reach out to the people who can apply something like this to their situation because I do truly feel it is helpful because there are addicts out there who do feel remorse for their actions and many are trying to work through it with the people that they have hurt.

heathersweeds

Krystal-

Thank you so much for this post! In my active drinking days I remember how much I hated myself for lying and munipulating my loved ones!!
So much so I felt the only way the nagging pain of me being hurtful, was to numb it away with drink. Then on and on. Becoming a sick merry go round of pain for my daughter and son and myself. I finally broke this cycle but it is a hard road in the begining. A road a lot of addicts are afraid of including myself. The road less traveled is easier said!! I am not in any way making excuses for addicts or saying they should not take responsibility for their actions! Nine times out of ten we beat ourselves up and know how much pain we cause. We can't even look in the mirror and face ourselves. Its ugly and selfish! Helpless and hopeless! And thats the pain I couldn't face!

Krystal32

Thank you heathersweeds! And Congrats to you on your sobriety!!! I'm glad you are able to pull through for the sake of your children and for yourself

Krystal32

The OP was a female and she was in recovery when she posted this. It sounds like it was a response to another female who's BF was an active addict. Whether or not he got clean, I'm not sure. I just appreciated what she had to say, how she explained the other side

Ilovemysonjj

Thank you Krystal, I re-read this and it provides us with a deeper understanding of the illogical thinking of addiction. I agree that addicts do unspeakable things to keep their addiction alive. Case in point for me is my AS, who when clean would never have stolen my wedding ring, all of our gold and a locket of his dead grandmother from my husband.

skylarkswings

thanks for your insight, it's helping me to understand and cope-

HopefulGF65

This is a perfect example of how every situation differs. There of course is at least one common denominator - the disease of addiction. And then what usually follows is someone in their life (be it parent, sibling, partner) becomes co-dependent. However, what follows are many different paths, different choices, different outcomes. And, even if two different addicts follow down a very similar path, if they have a dual diagnosis, if they come from a difficult childhood, or even come from a strong loving family, those outcomes can be different, none being excusable, but just the variables that help form the outcomes. Same with us who stand by and watch this unfold - some of us will not stand for any of it once it becomes clear whats happened, others choose to give that second chance and yes others stay too long. And again, it's all based on the person. What's important here is learning everything we can so we CAN make better more healthy decisions and possibly help others (like me) who didn't know much about it before coming here.

Now, this is only IMHO, but I think our lines can get so easily skewed when we make the decision (or, when we constantly rethink our decision) to be hopeful, to immediately leave the situation, or some position in between. In a perfect world, we would all be strong enough to draw that line just once before the hurt, lies, etc. drag on to the point where we reach our own lows. And in a perfect world, the addict would see after it starts getting out of hand that enough is enough and choose to quit, make amends, etc.. or even to not take that first pill, hit, etc.

All we can do here is take what is applicable to our situation and learn from it. And I've always felt that seeing the whole picture - be it in my work, friendships, life decisions, whatever - is the best way to make a decision I can live with.

Now, remove the addiction scenario and just look at people in general. I know I have ended a few friendships over the years because they were just not nice people, not what they presented early on or, after knowing them well enough, I discovered their values were not something I wanted to be a part of. And nothing would change my mind to return to those toxic relationships. And there's been other times where someone important in my life has screwed up, or I have, but the remorse is there, we make amends, learn from it and life continues. I think that's how we can assess our situations with the people in our lives who are addicts. Again, IMHO :-)

KelleyF

I don't think it matters if the person is male or female, early or late in recovery..... I think it's how this person felt at a given point in time
I think the post is a reminder that addicts are more than their addiction. They have a heart and soul sometimes suffering beneath their outward appearance

Krystal32

I apologize cynical, you were right, this person is a male and was still actively using when he posted this and who knows, his outlook may have changed by now, I don't know. What my goal is here is to get the message out there that there are plenty of addicts who are in recovery and they do feel that remorse for hurting the ones they loved while they were using. They are not all heartless and they all do not take pleasure from the lying and manipulating. I understand that there are some addicts out there that may get some kind of sick pleasure from the lying and manipulating, it obviously makes them feel powerful in some sort of way but not ALL addicts are that way. There is a lighter side and that's what I am trying to help others see.

KelleyF

Zoso I knowj you have been through the ringer with your XGF, and I think your ability to pray for her and wish her peace really shows your inner strength.
Ive also heard you comment that along with addiction, she suffers from bipolar. And if Im correct; she is not using her prescribed meds for this mental illness....
I guess what I want to say; maybe to you she is really happy with the sadistic things you say she still continues to do to you; but inside herself maybe she is sad, and sickened, and just in terrible uncontrollable pain.
No excuse; but at least it explains ? her behavior.

can tell you are a very strong person; wishing you the best for your life !
Kel

KelleyF

Are you still around to watch him play that game?

zoso77

Kelly,

Thank you very, very much for your kind words. I appreciate it very much.

My ex is on pysch meds, yes, but not for Bipolar. She's got Borderline Personality Disorder. And she's about as severe as they come.

From what I've read, 50% of BPD hospitalizations also have substance abuse issues.

The more I read here, the more I realize that I was in denial about how sick she really was. There were alarms going off. There were instances of horrible behavior that made me rethink my commitment. But I loved her so much that I felt that if I gave her enough love, understand, and compassion, she'd be OK. And she wasn't OK. She isn't OK. Even if she doesn't pick up, the chaos that BPD brings makes it highly unlikely that she'll ever be in recovery.

In some ways, I asked for this. I could have left her on so many occasions, with good reasons. Yet I stayed, only to be rewarded with gleeful unfaithfulness and sadism. Lesson learned, the hardest way possible.

I am very, very fortunate to have found this board. The kindness and the wisdom I've experienced here is nothing short of beautiful. Thank you.

ZoSo

KelleyF

Well Zoso its really sad for your ex....because you gave her a very generous love which most women would have been wise enough to appreciate and reciprocate. Hoping when your ready; you are able to find that special someone.

KelleyF

Good Im glad you removed yourself; now I wont fell awkward saying that it truly sounds like he should be kept away from small animals.... a bit of a psycho perhaps.