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A bigger problem than I thought...

Old 02-13-2012, 10:16 AM
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A bigger problem than I thought...

For those of you who haven't read my posts yet, I am a new member as of this week only. I am thankful for everyone's kind words and experiences shared.

However, I'm beginning to realize I may have a bigger problem on my hands than I thought. I was warned that I would be slapped in the face with the truth of it all once I talked to family members and friends of addicts.

In short, my story is probably not as bad as others...I was with a 'blues' addict for the past two years. He has said since day one he wanted to be off of them and just couldn't get through the withdrawals everytime. He has physically abused me multiple times while 'coming down' from his high.

And I'm going to stop there, because that's where my problem starts. My big problem. My "wait a second, let me back up and can you repeat that: drug addicts don't get physically violent when coming down?" moment of realization.
For two years my family has been telling me that it isn't the drugs that causes his violent behavior--his personality is only enhanced by the drugs.
But I'm in love, and worse off, in love with an addict that has changed my entire way of thinking.
So my question is, has anyone experienced extreme violence while their significant other/son/daughter was coming down off of pills?
Or should I realize that the addiction might be the least of my worries at this point in my life...

I'm tired of making excuses for him, even if I'm doing it subconsciously. Give it to me straight.
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:40 AM
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((TBH))

I'm not a dr, nurse, licensed rehab therapist, or any other professional degreed individual to deal with the withdrawl symptoms an addict goes thru coming down from any type of "HIGH" or lack of their DOC so what I share here is just my e, s, and h from many years of living with active addiction and having close interaction with an exah, a daughter and a step-son . . .

All three of these people are fairly easy going people, but under the influence and/or withdrawing and/or doing without their DOC ~ they were some of the worst people I have ever been around in my life ~

I have seen them get violent physically and verbally to people and to things.

It has made me aware of the fact that I Don't want to be around someone in this situation ~ I'm not qualifed to handle it and my safety, sanity and serenity deserve to be more important!

and just in case you didn't know it ~ your safety, sanity and serenity deserve to be important also!!
Just my thoughts, please take what you can use and leave the rest
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:53 AM
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Well the situation at hand is that in order for you to have the relationship that you envision (aka 'dream') of with him, requires that he recover from two extremely powerful behaviors -- physical abuse and drug abuse. And YES, they are two separate issues. Each require many years of very hard work in therapy and groups. I dunno, do you think your boyfriend is that motivated to get better? It's very unusual but not impossible.

I think you were given this advice before in another thread, so pardon me if I'm repeating, but PLEASE read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a very eye-opening book about the nature of abusers and is at least one chapter in the book dealing with concurrent issues of drug and alcohol addiction.

Please. Read the book!
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:01 AM
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Your post reminds me of the Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have them do to you.

I'm not a punching bag for anyone, for any reason, and if I make someone else my punching bag, I have a HUGE problem I alone have to fix.

What are your personal boundaries?
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:07 AM
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If you had a younger sister going through what you're describing, what would you want to tell her?
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:11 AM
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TBH,

This is something that concerned me about my boyfriend; his drug was cocaine. Ive never actually seen him high; but from what I understand this drug is a stimulant and can cause agression; especially is someone already has those tendancies. So I was worried about that in regards to my own safery if God Forbid he should relapse. But in talking with his dad; who has seen him at his best and worst... he tells me that he was never violent. He would become aggitated and anxious... but that even when they would have an argument - his dad said that he was the one that ended up doing most of the yelling and exhibiting of anger... While BF just kinda took it all in with of dead eyes, and
a could-care-less response.

And comapring that to his personality off the drugs; its sort of similiar - Ive never seen him really angry; he's never yelled at me or anything like that.
When we have a disagreement, he seems to have a Could-Care attitude and listens to my side, shares his, and then we talk it through.

Im so sorry you have experienced violent and demeaning behavior from your BF....It is not something that you should accept in your life.
Your too valuable of a person.
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:44 AM
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I remember clear as day the time my EXAH got violent and grabbed the heavy dumbbell bar off a set of free weights. He was bashing everything in the kitchen including the kitchen cabinets. I was standing in the middle of the living room watching, thinking to myself that he was probably going to kill me and I hoped he would get it over with quick.

I had become desensitized to the years of violence/abuse, and no longer felt anything but numb. Any sense of danger had long departed from me.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:28 PM
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zoso, I have an older sister who was married to an abusive man. I told her to run every chance I could get. And now I put myself into the same situation and feel like..an idiot, honestly. I feel like it hit me before I even realized what was really going on.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:30 PM
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Freedom, it pains me to hear that story you just shared. I got chills reading it, and sadly it was because I could relate.

Did your EXAH get help? Did your exah recover? Was it their personality that was enhanced? I'm sorry, I don't know your story other than what you have just stated.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
Freedom... Did your EXAH get help? Did your exah recover? Was it their personality that was enhanced? I'm sorry, I don't know your story other than what you have just stated.
Tired, I'm not answering for her as it's not my place. I will say, though, that she got help for herself and I'm so grateful that she did. Along with several members here, she lit the path of recovery for me. All I had to do was choose to follow it
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
Freedom, it pains me to hear that story you just shared. I got chills reading it, and sadly it was because I could relate.

Did your EXAH get help? Did your exah recover? Was it their personality that was enhanced? I'm sorry, I don't know your story other than what you have just stated.
My EXAH went through inpatient rehab shortly before I did (I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic in addition to codependency).

He chose to drink whiskey and slam dope the day he got out of rehab.

Fortunately I embraced recovery, and never went back home to him. My thinking had cleared up enough during rehab to realize I'd end up dead if I went back to him.

He never did embrace recovery and was buried a few years ago at the age of 47 due to complications from AIDS, which he contracted through sharing needles while I was in rehab.

I've been clean/sober since August 5th of 1990, and have been active in Alanon/codependency recovery since July 1999.
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
zoso, I have an older sister who was married to an abusive man. I told her to run every chance I could get. And now I put myself into the same situation and feel like..an idiot, honestly. I feel like it hit me before I even realized what was really going on.
Sweetheart,

You're not an idiot. When we love somebody, it's very easy for us to be in denial about what we see and hear. God knows, in my situation, I was. And I paid for it, too. And, yes, I kick myself from time to time for staying in a situation that my wise mind knew was lethal. In fact, I'm doing that today in a way.

I used the "younger sister" example because it made you look outward instead of inward. And if it were unacceptable for your sister to be in a situation like yours, then it would, by extention, be unacceptable for you to be in it.

I'm not here to tell you what to do. Only you can figure that out, for yourself. My hope for you is that you use your "wise mind". Don't be in denial about what you see. There are worse things in this world than a broken heart.

Please be safe.

ZoSo
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:52 PM
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When my friend was still married to her abusive alcoholic husband, I remember visiting her in her home. I could have sliced the fear in the home with a knife. The friend that I knew apart from her husband was not the friend I knew in that home. Don't become like my friend and live in fear which I'm afraid may be your future if you stay with this man.
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Old 02-13-2012, 03:39 PM
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I think that withdrawal can do a lot of different things to a lot of different people, all bad. Actually, I am currently writing a paper on the effects of alcohol neurotransmitters, and did you know, the withdrawal is actually more harmful to the brain than the drinking? Yeah, I know, useless information but interesting nonetheless. Anyway. I think that there is no excuse for abuse, ever, whether the addict is high, withdrawing, in recovery, whatever. However, I do think that there is a certain point where you start to have compassion for the addict when they are in withdrawal. Things slide a little bit, at least that is how it is with me. My boyfriend can be a complete monster when he is coming off the pills, worse than the alcohol, I think. And he tells me it is the worst pain ever felt, and I know what he is saying because I had my own pain pill problem in the past. But he is so mean and rude and nasty to me and everyone else around him. I used to feel sorry for him, but I don't anymore, because it is his choice to continue using, and his choice to continue going through withdrawal over and over and over. If he did it once, it would be over, and he would never have to do it again. But of course he doesn't see it that way. So now, I do give him a little bit of leeway with his attitude, but that is about it, and if he gets too mean, I make him leave my house, because I am not the one who is going through it, so I am not the one who has to deal with it. However, he has never EVER hit me or anything else like that, and if he did, I would hit him back, I swear I would, and he would be running to the hospital to get more pills for all the teeth I just knocked out
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Old 02-13-2012, 03:47 PM
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An inspiring story, Freedom. God Bless You.
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Old 02-13-2012, 03:49 PM
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Your example was very helpful, zoso. Thank you for taking the time out to care. That goes for everyone here, Thank You.
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Old 02-13-2012, 03:55 PM
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Inpieces, thank you for your insight. Because I have never used, it's very hard for me to comprehend how it must feel to withdraw..which is why I always WAS so lenient on him. But I'm not sure if there is a difference between 'coming down' and 'withdrawing', again, because I've never experienced either. In my mind, (correct me if I'm wrong of course), withdrawing is when the addict feels the physical AND mental effects. And also in my mind, 'coming down' is the hour or two about eight hours after taking a pill...
This is hard to explain through text..but my ex would take a pill (or 3), and about eight hours later would get extremely violent for about two hours or so, and then it would pass. He wouldnt feel any physical withdrawal symptoms until a day or two had passed.

Of course, he never did tell me the complete truths about things so for all I know he didn't feel the withdrawals because he was indeed still taking more pills.
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Old 02-13-2012, 03:59 PM
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TiredButHopeful,

I think it was a normal reaction that you thought his violence was caused by drug withdrawal--that his agitated, insane brain completely changed his personality and caused abnormal aggression--and I think many people would have felt what you did: that it was not him, that it was chemically-induced behavior created by a rewired, sick brain out of control.

I think many people, just as you did, would have said to themselves, "I love this man. This is not the the man I know. I have seen this sweet man's soul in tender moments, and I will wait this out as he struggles to get clean and to change, and when he finally gets clean, he will be who I believe he is: sweet and dear and a beautiful soul."

I am actually as confused as you, when it comes to addiction and behavior. There are plenty of alcoholics and addicts who give speeches and write books, and they say, "I used to be ............" , "but now I am ................." And they can offer up some real horror stories. But somehow, by some miracle, they found and live a spiritual life and are no longer the monsters they say they were.

So I, too, do not know what to think about addictive disease, its impact on the brain, and the resulting aberrant behavior. I am still trying to figure out for myself what I believe about the impact of addictive disease on the human brain and about the potential for spiritual transformation.

What I do know is that your abf cannot be trusted because he has no recovery. He is therefore still damaged and very dangerous. And this brings us to Step One in Nar-Anon: "We admitted we were powerless over drug addicts and that our lives had become unmanageable."

Take all the time you need to go deep inside yourself and to understand your story and to come to your own knowing about your experience loving a drug addict. But just do it in a safe physical and safe emotional place.
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by TiredButHopeful View Post
This is hard to explain through text..but my ex would take a pill (or 3), and about eight hours later would get extremely violent for about two hours or so, and then it would pass. He wouldnt feel any physical withdrawal symptoms until a day or two had passed.

Of course, he never did tell me the complete truths about things so for all I know he didn't feel the withdrawals because he was indeed still taking more pills.
I would say that coming down is like a mini withdrawal. With pills, you don't feel the real deal until like 2 days after your last pill, and it lasts somewhere between 3 and 5 days (counting those first 2 days). Because pain pills decrease your sensitivity to pain, when you withdrawal from them, you are in pain (well, that does make sense). Coming down is like the same thing, but I would say it is more of a mental thing than a physical thing, unless you really are taking them for pain. My boyfriend takes tramadol for a back thing, and although it is non narcotic (or so they say), he does get quite irritable when he is coming down from it because he can feel the pain again. When he is on something he DOESN'T have a prescription for, he is not in physical pain until withdrawal, but the mental thing can take quite a toll as well when he is coming down. "Leave me alone," "get away from me," or some other profane words, and that is when I kick him out of the house, as previously mentioned. You can definitely tell the difference between coming down and withdrawal because they just don't have the energy to do anything when they are withdrawing, it's all about hiding under the covers and trying not to throw up, really.
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