Welcome to my nightmare (new user)
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Welcome to my nightmare (new user)
Who would ever think that one could experiance the 7 lvls of hell while still alive. I didn't until I became the parent of an adult addict. 21yrs old, once a promising student, my only child and now OXY is his mistress of choice but he will take whatever he can get his hands on when he needs to numb. Had anyone told me several yrs ago that this young man who was not only my son but one of my closest friends would now be my waking nightmare I would've called them delusional. It's been a slow decent with the exception of the last 6-7 months when a downward spiral came taking almost everything in our lives with it. Two short stints in county jail and now, after I turned him in for stealing xanax and all but o.d.'ing on them, he is back into court ordered re-hab again. I fear for both our sanity, his because I believe that he thinks about suicide and me because his addiction has made me an emotional wreck. I divorced his father for his meth addiction and I'm pretty much all the family my son has. His court appointed advocate is now asking me to make a decision to deny my son access to my home when his re-hab time is up so the judge can order him into a transitional living facility. My head knows that is probably best buy my heart is bleeding at the thought of turning my back on my only child. Yes...I've read the books, blogs, web pages. I know what addiction is/does and the monster it creates and how it's about his choices and it's not my fault...blah blah blah. Do you really think that makes things easier to except? I have prayed day and night and cried an ocean of tears and I've seen the shocking statistics for recovery failure. His attorney says miracles happen everyday but all hope has faded for me. I feel like I have already suffered one death and am still going thru the grief with no end in sight. Here is my hell on earth.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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I used to always say I was living in the 7th level of hell, too. I even had nightmares that featured text book depictions of Dante's Inferno.
Would you consider it turning your back if he were 8 years old, had a treatable disease that required a special facility? Probably not, and you'd not be able to get him in there fast enough 
Are you working any kind of recovery program for yourself? We have a saying around here: work the recovery program you wish your addicted loved one would.
I took that piece of advice to heart and my life has changed for the better. My 24 year old recovering IV opiate daughter found recovery after I did, and our relationship changed for the better as well. We're both on the same page about owning our own issues, and not contributing to them.
Originally Posted by Yjasmene 
His court appointed advocate is now asking me to make a decision to deny my son access to my home when his re-hab time is up so the judge can order him into a transitional living facility. My head knows that is probably best buy my heart is bleeding at the thought of turning my back on my only child.
Are you working any kind of recovery program for yourself? We have a saying around here: work the recovery program you wish your addicted loved one would.
I took that piece of advice to heart and my life has changed for the better. My 24 year old recovering IV opiate daughter found recovery after I did, and our relationship changed for the better as well. We're both on the same page about owning our own issues, and not contributing to them.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Yjasmene
His court appointed advocate is now asking me to make a decision to deny my son access to my home when his re-hab time is up so the judge can order him into a transitional living facility. My head knows that is probably best buy my heart is bleeding at the thought of turning my back on my only child.
Giving our adult children the gift of experiencing the good and not so good consequences of their choices is what parenting is all about. It's the opposite of turning your back on him.
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
It's his addiction and his recovery. Time for mama to take a back seat.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello YJasmine, Yes, I am also a Mother who lived in Hell. My son went to jail, then had the option of going to rehab after his 90 days in jail for the remainder of his sentencing. We have a no contact order on our home since he stole from us. Let me say, I totally understand how you feel (mine is 21 too) and since my son has gone to rehab, he now is interacting with much older men who have travelled roads I hope my son never will. I have seen him a few times, and the reports from other residents are all glowing, my son is now leading groups and helping other residents by testifying chararacter witness for their trials. All of these wonderful things are happening and I had nothing to do with them! He has a big mountain to climb, but I realized that I cannot be the one to help him. He must find the resources to help himself. I adore my son as I am sure you do as well. Loving and letting go makes room for the miracle.
Hugs,
Teresa
Hugs,
Teresa
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Being the mother of an addict can be hell. I look back at the worst of my own behaviors during the early years of my son's addiction and I just cringe. I'm not sure who the crazy one was--me or him.
Sometimes we become so enmeshed with our children that it's hard to tell where we leave off and they begin. It's an unhealthy attachment. I use to feel like anything he felt, I felt for him times ten. It took me a while to realize that it wasn't healthy....for him or for me.
As hard as it is to watch my adult son screw up his life, it's important to remember that it's his life to screw up.
I'm so sorry your mother's heart is hurting. There is relief to be found if you truly want it.
gentle hugs
ke
Sometimes we become so enmeshed with our children that it's hard to tell where we leave off and they begin. It's an unhealthy attachment. I use to feel like anything he felt, I felt for him times ten. It took me a while to realize that it wasn't healthy....for him or for me.
As hard as it is to watch my adult son screw up his life, it's important to remember that it's his life to screw up.
I'm so sorry your mother's heart is hurting. There is relief to be found if you truly want it.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I am so sorry for your pain. I, too, am the mother of an addict.
You would not be turning your back on him by not allowing him to come home. You will be giving him the GIFT of long term treatment. You are not equipped to help him, staff at a transitional facility are. You would be doing him a huge favor to be able to help facilitate this.
((hugs))
You would not be turning your back on him by not allowing him to come home. You will be giving him the GIFT of long term treatment. You are not equipped to help him, staff at a transitional facility are. You would be doing him a huge favor to be able to help facilitate this.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((YJasmine))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. I'm a recovering addict, I also have loved ones who are addicts, so I'm familiar with both sides of the addiction fence.
I can only tell you my ES&H. I'm way older than your son, but was severely addicted to crack. I went from being an RN to a homeless, streetwalking crackhead. I'm an only child, though I do have a stepmom and step-siblings, but I broke my dad's heart.
It took everyone who loved me allowing me to face the consequences before I would even consider recovery. I dug myself into a really deep hole and was allowed to keep digging until I had had enough, and then I got to (and still am) figure a way out of that hole.
In another month, I'll have 5 years of recovery. As far as I'm concerned, statistics about recovery don't mean much. I am an RA (recovering addict), have known a ton of A's (addicts) and RA's and have yet to meet one person who was included in any statistical data.
I'm back living at home because of the financial consequences of my addiction. However, I work, I'm back in school and I help my dad out with his business whenever possible.
He told me once that whenever he'd see something on the news about someone finding a dead body, he was terrified it was me or my stepsister (also in recovery). My stepmom has told me of all the times he broke down and sobbed with worry and feeling helpless.
However, today? We have an awesome relationship. I will forever be grateful that he and my other loved ones allowed me the dignity to face the consequences.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I can only tell you my ES&H. I'm way older than your son, but was severely addicted to crack. I went from being an RN to a homeless, streetwalking crackhead. I'm an only child, though I do have a stepmom and step-siblings, but I broke my dad's heart.
It took everyone who loved me allowing me to face the consequences before I would even consider recovery. I dug myself into a really deep hole and was allowed to keep digging until I had had enough, and then I got to (and still am) figure a way out of that hole.
In another month, I'll have 5 years of recovery. As far as I'm concerned, statistics about recovery don't mean much. I am an RA (recovering addict), have known a ton of A's (addicts) and RA's and have yet to meet one person who was included in any statistical data.
I'm back living at home because of the financial consequences of my addiction. However, I work, I'm back in school and I help my dad out with his business whenever possible.
He told me once that whenever he'd see something on the news about someone finding a dead body, he was terrified it was me or my stepsister (also in recovery). My stepmom has told me of all the times he broke down and sobbed with worry and feeling helpless.
However, today? We have an awesome relationship. I will forever be grateful that he and my other loved ones allowed me the dignity to face the consequences.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
Yjasmene: Yes, I know. My son is 25, about to turn 26 next month, God willing. I thought I had done everything "right". Read all the books when he was little, communicated, taught him right from wrong, etc. And the short version is, he chose to use drugs, shooting opiates, stealing xanax and eating them by the handful, now he's on methadone and still using opiates and xanax with it..... and the nightmare continues. For me, I had to admit to myself that my son may very well die because of the drugs and that there is nothing I can do to prevent it, try as I might. Seems the more I tried to prevent his use, the more he used. In my heart and mind and soul, in the only way I could fathome, I gave him up to God, after resisting for so many years. It seems that he must suffer before he will heal. My suffering did nothing to help him.
If you allow your son to come back, nothing will change. There is no reason for him to do anything different.
If you allow your son to come back, nothing will change. There is no reason for him to do anything different.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
(((Yjasmene))),
I am also the mother of an adult addict. The pain of seeing my gifted son in jail is indescribable. Also my only son. It is so hard to let them go, we want to protect them.
My son started using drugs at a very early age and is now 33. He did stop for one year and I was so happy, now his life is worse than ever before. I am praying he has hit rock bottom and will begin the climb back up.
It is so very hard and I agree nothing you read, hear, or do makes the pain go away.
Until you start to take care of yourself and let them take care of theirselves. Hard as it is he still needs professional help, they know what they are talking about.
Coming back to the comforts of home may just make it that much easier to relapse. Listen to the advice of the pros.
I am still in the process of detachment, and turning it over to God is not as easy as it sounds.
Blessings to you and yours!
I am also the mother of an adult addict. The pain of seeing my gifted son in jail is indescribable. Also my only son. It is so hard to let them go, we want to protect them.
My son started using drugs at a very early age and is now 33. He did stop for one year and I was so happy, now his life is worse than ever before. I am praying he has hit rock bottom and will begin the climb back up.
It is so very hard and I agree nothing you read, hear, or do makes the pain go away.
Until you start to take care of yourself and let them take care of theirselves. Hard as it is he still needs professional help, they know what they are talking about.
Coming back to the comforts of home may just make it that much easier to relapse. Listen to the advice of the pros.
I am still in the process of detachment, and turning it over to God is not as easy as it sounds.
Blessings to you and yours!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Thanks to those that took the time to post. I'm working on myself, it takes time to let go. I have asked God to give both of us strength, me to let go and for him to finally see what a tragic waste it would be for him to continue on his current path. I have realized that I have nothing left to offer his recovery but it still doesn't make the pain of letting go any easier. I'm just saturated with to many feelings and it is over-whelming right now. It's a fight everyday.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
[QUOTE=helpme33;3272633](((Yjasmene))),
Coming back to the comforts of home may just make it that much easier to relapse. Listen to the advice of the pros.
QUOTE]
Yjasmene:
So true, so true. Take it from a Mom who tried to do this...it not only makes their lives worse, but a living hell for you. I guess being a Mom, it is just too hard for me to detach while living under the same roof. For me, I die a thousand little deaths every day when I see them laying around and wasting their young adult lives away.
Lots of huggs,
Hope
Coming back to the comforts of home may just make it that much easier to relapse. Listen to the advice of the pros.
QUOTE]
Yjasmene:
So true, so true. Take it from a Mom who tried to do this...it not only makes their lives worse, but a living hell for you. I guess being a Mom, it is just too hard for me to detach while living under the same roof. For me, I die a thousand little deaths every day when I see them laying around and wasting their young adult lives away.
Lots of huggs,
Hope
Donna
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Willamette Valley, Oregon
Posts: 48
Hi Yjasmene,
I am the wife of an alcoholic and the stepmom of an addict. I am also a recovering addict (14 years clean). You might say that I have been on both sides of the fence and even straddled it a time or two...
My stepdaughter is currently serving a sentence in prison for her poor life choices. Over the years the phone has rang multiple times for us to "bail her out" and once to pick her up from the ER because she was involved in a drug deal gone bad that resulted in her being ran off the road, ejected from the car and left for dead... Each time we would pick her up, bring her home and within a week she was high again... Once my AH had been sober for almost a year and she brought booze into the house and well, you can imagine the results... He hasn't gone without a drink for more than a week or two since.
The disruption her addiction has caused within our family has been great and to be honest, I don't have the "tools in my toolbox" to hold her accountable for her behavior at home. During our last visit we agreed that she will go to a transistional housing because we have learned that the true definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome.
While I understand the "turning your back on your only child", I hope that you can find peace in your heart to at least think of it as an "opportunity" for your child to have a new beginning.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
I am the wife of an alcoholic and the stepmom of an addict. I am also a recovering addict (14 years clean). You might say that I have been on both sides of the fence and even straddled it a time or two...
My stepdaughter is currently serving a sentence in prison for her poor life choices. Over the years the phone has rang multiple times for us to "bail her out" and once to pick her up from the ER because she was involved in a drug deal gone bad that resulted in her being ran off the road, ejected from the car and left for dead... Each time we would pick her up, bring her home and within a week she was high again... Once my AH had been sober for almost a year and she brought booze into the house and well, you can imagine the results... He hasn't gone without a drink for more than a week or two since.
The disruption her addiction has caused within our family has been great and to be honest, I don't have the "tools in my toolbox" to hold her accountable for her behavior at home. During our last visit we agreed that she will go to a transistional housing because we have learned that the true definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome.
While I understand the "turning your back on your only child", I hope that you can find peace in your heart to at least think of it as an "opportunity" for your child to have a new beginning.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
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