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I just don't know what the next step is...

Old 02-04-2012, 02:17 PM
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I just don't know what the next step is...

So I am stuck and I am hoping others might have a bit of advice.

I am worried my younger bro is on drugs but I don't have any outright evidence.

____
Rundown on the situation:

He has been mentally and physically down for a number of years. We have some mental issues that run in the family, and it tends to lead to some health problems. I have dealt with them, so I sympathize (chronic muscle pain, fatigue, depression..).

He has always been pretty distant from the family, I am probably the only one who keeps in sorta regular contact. He hasn't spoken to my dad for a few yrs, relationship with mom is superficial. I have fallen into the older sis mother hen role. The fam wants to be in my brothers life, but they cannot get past his negativity and distance, no one seems to make a giant effort on either side.

(Also, I should mention this as it probably impacts my mental state, another younger brother of mine committed suicide 6 yrs ago at age 21. I believe he had underlying alcohol issues and bipolar problems, the suicide was a total surprise.)

For the last few years he has struggled with money, in the last 3 months the bottom fell out. Part of it is he is self employed and dealing with health problems....but now I am starting to wonder how far back possible drug issues go.

3 months ago he contacted me asking for rent help, this was the first thing he has asked for from any family. I met to give him cash and immediately alarm bells went off. He was antsy, pacing, and rambling. Keep in mind, we have manic problems in the fam, so my first thought was that he was losing control on the mental issues. (Although, I stopped giving him any money after that)

I started going over our handful of interactions for the last year and considering drugs (canceled meetings, acting weird saying his stomach was hurting and leaving shortly afterwards, not letting us come see him on his birthday, slurring on the phone at 10 am....). I had always chalked it up to his tendency towards mania and health issues.

Over the last three months my normally very self sufficient and organized 32 yr old brother has:
-gotten evicted
-lost two phones
-had a disaster mess of a house and truck
-totaled his truck (no one else in the accident)
-slept through half of Christmas day at my sisters
-panhandled for gas
-pawned most of his work tools
-blah blah blah

I have managed to snoop around (which makes ME feel guilty, boy that seems dumb), and found what looks to be evidence of him injecting something. I haven't found needles or spoons, but there is really no reason for someone to carry a butane torch for plumbing and a cloth wrapped bungee cord in his backpack that goes everywhere with him (and a padlocked waterproof camera case).

Here is the other kicker. With all his health problems/allergies he has a sensitive stomach, cannot even drink coffee or take an ibuprofen. Yet when he wrecked his truck he was quick to get a ride to pick up prescription pain killers. I have also found out he has a ton of medical bills when he absolutely hates doctors. I suspect he has been jumping docs to try and get meds. I have access to his emails (he gave it to me), and found back a year ago begging his ex GF to bring back any extra percs or vicadin she took on moving out to help his pain. For years he has always told me he hates pain killers and would never go down that path for his health issues and couldn't stomach them anyways......guess he found a way around the stomach problems.

I spent Nov-Jan helping him move, run a few errands when he lost his vehicle, etc. In that time, I went from being in denial to accepting this is likely drugs. You start to see the patterns, like after 3 or 4 hours he starts complaining about pain, getting antsy, and then eventually needing to return home to use the 'bathroom' and he dashes inside with his trusty backpack. He blames these 'pains' on having a car accident, his longterm health problems, etc. Previously you couldn't see the pattern because he wasn't around enough.
_____

So now I am stuck. I feel like I am falling into an enabling role....giving him advice and running errands, helping him pay bills since he cannot have a checking account (with his OWN money from his truck payment), and so on. I haven't given him ANY money since November, but I feel like my help is still an enabling tactic.

I want to confront him, but between my thoughts of suicide risk and the fact I have no serious proof outside of speculation based on snooping. Talk about a guilt trip. I am also in the very angry stage, and I don't know if I can control what I say right now. The rest of the fam wants to confront him as well, but since no one has really been around him other then me, he will know its my doing it and lord if I am wrong.....

I know none of his friends or contacts, his living situation is temporary, he is not really talking to anyone in the fam, so if he stops talking to me he will disappear. Oh yea, mother hen is in full force.

AHHH...what do I do? I get the feeling he isn't ready for 'help' yet, its almost an air of smugness that he can pull over these lies on all of us. He guilt trips everyone into feeling sorry for his situation, all the 'bad luck' he has suffered, and I have to stand there biting my lip.

I want to let him know that we know whats going on, and we are there to help when he is ready. What is the best way to do this?
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Old 02-04-2012, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by meadowsis View Post
Over the last three months my normally very self sufficient and organized 32 yr old brother has:
-gotten evicted
-lost two phones
-had a disaster mess of a house and truck
-totaled his truck (no one else in the accident)
-slept through half of Christmas day at my sisters
-panhandled for gas
-pawned most of his work tools
-blah blah blah

I want to let him know that we know whats going on, and we are there to help when he is ready. What is the best way to do this?
If this were my 26 year old son, who is responsible, dependable and self sufficient, I'd say something like this:

"Son, I can't help but notice that over the last three months things are out of character with you. If you need help getting your life back on track, we might be able to help you, but you'll have to let us know what's going on, what has changed."
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Old 02-05-2012, 05:53 AM
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TMZ
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Your doing it with this post (seeking help and answers). I would also recommend you and your family attend some Nar-anon meetings.

As Chino said; let hem know you know, and you will be there for him when he needs the help. You can't force it, they have to hit bottom before they seek help.

Keep reading and posting and through time you will gain the knowledge to handle the disease. It not only affects him but the whole family.
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