Confused, lost

Old 01-23-2012, 03:43 PM
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Confused, lost

On thursday, my husband came to me and said he had a problem with pain pills. I had no idea. He said he had been trying to quit and was unable to. We spent the day trying to get him into rehab. He left Friday morning, on my birthday. We have a six month old daughter that was born premature and has a few health issue requiring many doctors visits. Of course she gets sick during this, which is something that is cause for alarm. Today I found out the daycare she attends, which is a special medical one, will no longer be covered by our insurance effective tomorrow. I feel like it just keeps pouring down on me.
I had no idea about my husband. We have been happily married for 7 years. HE was having back problems and was given pain pills. THe doctor stopped prescribing but he said he continued to get them from friends.
I feel like I never knew him. He said this has been going on for a year but the doctor only stopped his prescriptions in the last few months and he moved on to stronger pills. I have all these confused feelings, like how could he do this to his daughter, how could he not want to be a good person for her. I want to stand by him as he wants to be better and wants help, but Im scared. Im not sure what has been the truth and what has been lies.
He checked into rehab so quick I never got to discuss anything with him. We get two 10 minute calls a day, but that doesn't solve much. I called and left a message for his personal counseler today, but he called back and said that he doesn't do private family sessions or discuss treatment with me. THey have family night on Wednesdays, that I can come to that for information. That didn't help. I am planning to go on Wednesday, after I figure out work and a sitter for the baby. I would 60+ hours a week at a job that is not time off friendly this time of year. My goal was to find a new job in the spring. With my husband in rehab, and only my income, I can't lose my job.
I just feel so lost as how to approach everything, what to say to him, what to think, and where to begin to handle this. I would really appreciate any advice.
Thank you if you made it this far, this is the first time I've started to talk about everything and I guess I got a little winded.
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Old 01-23-2012, 04:04 PM
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Hi. I'm new to the board, too.

The rehab facility sounds pretty draconian to me. The behavioral health units I'm familiar with usually have a social worker/psychiatrist team for each patient. The SW is responsible for interfacing with family and loved ones, provided the patient wants that.

Right now, you're overloaded, and for good reason. So take it easy. Wednesday's not here yet. Take care of yourself and your baby. Make an effort to read the posts here, and make an effort to get through this moment by moment, if you have to. I'll be praying for you tonight.

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Old 01-23-2012, 05:04 PM
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Rehab will focus on him, on getting him detoxed and teaching him how to cope with life on life's terms. There may be some joint family counseling, but this really is his recovery program.

I know you must be in shock and feel very off balance. Something that helped many of us was meetings. They helped us find our own recovery and how to keep our balance regardless of how our addicted loved ones are doing.

I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you will find support and help for yourself soon. You are no longer alone, we're all walking with you.

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Old 01-23-2012, 06:48 PM
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Welcome, sorry for your pain. The good thing is he realizes it is a problem and is seeking help. Besides here I recommend you seek help through Nar-anon.

Give him his time in treatment, allow him to work on his problem. You have to take care of you and your daughter for now.

Keep posting and reading.
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:27 PM
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It sounds like he is trying to be a good person for your daughter. He is admitting his addiction and that is a HUGE step for addicts. As hard as it is, now is the time for you to let him focus on himself and you fully turn the focus onto you and your daughter and how to take care of you. Rehab is not a cure and although it "sounds" like he is trying to do the right thing, addicts can always relapse. you need to prepare yourself to be in a position that you can take care of you and your child without your husband.

Acceptance is so hard when it comes to addiction because you have to accept that part of the person too. The good with the bad....the hard with the easy. It is up to you to decide if the addict part of your husband is acceptable to you.

HUGS...I've been there. I know it is devastating, heartbreaking and infuriating all in one big fat ball.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:06 PM
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So sorry, dear. Many years ago, I became a single parent with an 18 month old baby and no other source of support and I know how lost you must feel.

I did find a wonderful babysitter. She was a blessing in our life for years. She was only 23 when she walked through that door, but she was heaven sent.

I pray that you find someone like her, who will learn how to attend to your baby's needs at home, with conscientious care.

That is your first priority.

Keep your job to pay your bills.

And leave him to his consequences and recovery.

God bless.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:57 PM
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****{Hugs}}} When I first discovered my husband was using drugs, my almost 3 month old was facing open heart surgery. I couldn't deal with all of it, there was no way, so I ignored the drug problem basically. I am so sorry you are having to deal with things on your own, and I just can't imagine that. Keep your focus on putting one foot in front of the other - get through however you can.

If there is any good news, it is that your husband confessed on his own and asked for help...within a year of this mess starting. He has a long road ahead of him, so as others suggested, you need to educate yourself to understand things better. There is a lot of literature out there, this site helps, and meetings of course. Personal counseling is not a bad idea either.

Take care.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:32 PM
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It is always a shock when we find out these things about our loved ones. I have helped in a rehab program for men and taught family recovery. One good thing about this is he did come to you on his own to let you know how he needed help. It is also good that he put himself in treatment. I am not sure where you are spiritually but my experience with myself and others I talked to is take a day at a time. Don't try to figure things out and it will be hard to trust and it will take time but give it all to God and allow Him to provide and give you the strength to get through what is going on in your life with the new baby and all the sudden changes. I have seen many families that the wife made it through these difficult times. It is a painful time and he loves you and the baby. In with my experience with these issues he is sorry for what he's done but it is wise to be careful and concerned. Learn what you can about addiction and understand it is almost like a sickness. Take care of yourself and your baby and believe God will get you through this.
It is good that you have a place here to express your feeling and share.
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