Police Come to the Door
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Personally, T&S, I think you are handling this rather well. It may sound a bit "mean" to some who haven't been in your shoes, but I have been in your shoes, and I applaud you for your strength, boundaries, and no-nonsense way of dealing with this. Yes, your son is sick, but it is a self-induced sickness that can be treated and put into remission. Some of it probably isn't even the drugs/alcohol, it is teenaged angst and a sense of entitlement along with a bit of laziness.
In any case, unless someone has lived in your home and seen first hand what you have been living with, they really have no right to criticize how you choose to deal with this. No matter how much you post or try to explain what has been going on, there is still A LOT more that we readers don't and never will know. You don't have to post any pictures or explain yourself to anyone. If someone has a hard time with it, there are plenty of other threads here for them to focus on.
Stay strong, and I think you are being more than fair to your son. Would he really have taken his clothes covered in urine and vomit? You were kind enough to wash them and then attempt to deliver them, which I think is very kind, considering. In any case, I support your efforts at trying to maintain some semblance of peace and tranquility in your home in spite of what you have been dealing with.
In any case, unless someone has lived in your home and seen first hand what you have been living with, they really have no right to criticize how you choose to deal with this. No matter how much you post or try to explain what has been going on, there is still A LOT more that we readers don't and never will know. You don't have to post any pictures or explain yourself to anyone. If someone has a hard time with it, there are plenty of other threads here for them to focus on.
Stay strong, and I think you are being more than fair to your son. Would he really have taken his clothes covered in urine and vomit? You were kind enough to wash them and then attempt to deliver them, which I think is very kind, considering. In any case, I support your efforts at trying to maintain some semblance of peace and tranquility in your home in spite of what you have been dealing with.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Greetings Tired and Spent,
I am responding to you with an olive branch for past post struggles and I hope you receive my reply with the spirit it is sent...a wish to share some E, S, & H...maybe to just share a little and in that way share your burden.
I walked around the lake today as is my daily meditation. I have many ah ha moments in the time i spend reflecting. I often walk with my sponsor, I have that great gift through the recovery process. I also have a therapist and siblings in a recovery program, fellowship and a LOT of spiritual practice. I need all of these things, I need the help and support because my life has had a lot of dysfunction and addiction/alcoholism. It takes a village to detangle my perspective on life. And addiction/alcoholism/codependency IS a disease of perception.
I think that is one of the reasons I like SR so much, in face to face meetings there is not usually any "cross talk or advice giving" so you never here the gamut of perspectives on your situation the way you do here. This is kind of like group therapy in a way. People make their calls...and if there is openness and acceptance then you can really get a VERY wide perspective on your situation. This in NO way implies that you have to believe someone else's perspective or accept it or feel like they are "right" about your situation. However, it is a gift of this sight to receive the attention and perspective, and hopefully we who post do so with honor and a desire to help, even if sometimes emotions start to escalate. Still, getting so many angles on a situation helps us to see it in different ways. If I am in a difficult emotional state (crisis, anger, resentment, fear, grief, etc) I especially need help with perspective.
I think that is why you get such varied perspectives. All we see is what you post. And in your posts it is apparent that you have a lot of anger. We are posting to you, in your situation, about your life. We are responding to your posts which seem to have been about your pain and anger in this situation. We have all experienced anger, and sometimes it has been healthy and other times it has been exacerbated by other issues.
As I walked around the lake today I had an ah ha moment about my ex. My reaction to his using again (which includes all the symptoms of crack use:lying, hiding, spending and disappearing) was anger. Of Course! I asked him to leave. Now he is in a sober house and that is his story...
My story continued as I spiraled through anger, grief, and a deep sense of confusion and shame. These emotions braided together and each escalated the other. Great pain! Because I have worked so hard in recovery and I KNOW that I need others perspectives and insight in order to get a better view, I have reached out in the biggest way. My ah ha came today...after so many people have tried to help me sort out my pain, confusion and anger...that my reaction to my ex is tied to old old histories of my past. Including my biggest pain and shame which involved incest. Horrible.
BUT the ah ha came because I realized that my psyche/spirit had been bound by that, that I tied my heartache and shame to the current reaction with my ex. We, as human beings, and especially as human beings tie these things together in our life, because it IS our life. However...what my ex did is not as horrifically awful as all of the heartache and other strains of my life that look like it. How many times I have suffered in my love connections. Abandonment, fear, unworthiness, shame...I just was so incredibly hurt and deeply shamed to once again be being "abandoned" that I couldn't handle it.
But that is not the truth of my ex and I. He has a disease that is awful, it is totally destructive. And so does your son. Some old schoolers may think weed is a walk in the park when compared to something like oxys, meth or crack. But weed is way intense these days. One of the principle signs of its use is total apathy...pipe dreams, lack of motivation...it destroys lives too. Why was he not prepared to leave your house...why didn't he have his sh!t together?? Weed. The party zone, the ruination of your home due to the party is a common "symptom", which is why it is stereotypically portrayed in films. The urination on your couch...disgusting, completely and totally awful. I am so sorry that you have had to clean up after a total stoners disrespectful mess. And I am glad for you that he is out of your home.
But...another part of my ah ha moment had to do with you. Yes, I have been thinking about you and praying for your serenity. I thought, maybe T&S has been reliving all of the other awful addiction related relationships in her life, and this one looks like, smells like, feels like the others...all wrapped up together, braided together like a steely cord...and now she has finally just HAD IT. As you said DONE DONE DONE. Maybe your son even looks like, acts like, one of the older perpetrators.
It is good, very good, that your anger in dealing with this has got you standing up and saying "I'm not going to take it anymore!". I think that we who respond around your anger toward your son are doing so only out of respect to you...so that your anger, coming to a head after all of your experiences...starts to subside into a place of more peace. It must feel the ultimate betrayal to have suffered the addiction of others and then to have it show up, yet again, in the painful behaviors of your son. But do try, maybe, in the stillness of your heart somewhere, to see if there is any "unbraiding" to do. This is what 4th and 5th steps in recovery include. We see how all of our connections relate to us, and how we can untangle them to find more peace in our lives. I pray that you might find more space eventually for forgiveness for your son. That forgiveness is something he may never know about, but it will affect you, your spirit, your life in a profound way. One of the steps toward that may be to look quietly at your anger and see if it is wrapped with the past, and gently peel some of that away from the anger you feel toward your son. You know how they say that three pieces of straw are weak, but when braided together they are strong? Usually that metaphor is used in a positive sense...but the same is true for our more painful emotions. Is the story of your life...the connection with your son...braided together with other painful relationships?
Please know T&S that this is not meant in any way as an excuse for your son. This is meant to maybe give some outside perspective that in some way may ease your anger. It sounds like you are doing well, maintaining your boundaries. But inbetween the lines on your posts is the pain and anger...that is why there are some responses dealing specifically with that. And I really don't think they have been about protecting your son. I think they have been about pointing out a possibility of a place in your heart to open...safely, quietly, with secure boundaries, but probably some grief...which is different than anger, and more healing for you.
Peace.
I am responding to you with an olive branch for past post struggles and I hope you receive my reply with the spirit it is sent...a wish to share some E, S, & H...maybe to just share a little and in that way share your burden.
I walked around the lake today as is my daily meditation. I have many ah ha moments in the time i spend reflecting. I often walk with my sponsor, I have that great gift through the recovery process. I also have a therapist and siblings in a recovery program, fellowship and a LOT of spiritual practice. I need all of these things, I need the help and support because my life has had a lot of dysfunction and addiction/alcoholism. It takes a village to detangle my perspective on life. And addiction/alcoholism/codependency IS a disease of perception.
I think that is one of the reasons I like SR so much, in face to face meetings there is not usually any "cross talk or advice giving" so you never here the gamut of perspectives on your situation the way you do here. This is kind of like group therapy in a way. People make their calls...and if there is openness and acceptance then you can really get a VERY wide perspective on your situation. This in NO way implies that you have to believe someone else's perspective or accept it or feel like they are "right" about your situation. However, it is a gift of this sight to receive the attention and perspective, and hopefully we who post do so with honor and a desire to help, even if sometimes emotions start to escalate. Still, getting so many angles on a situation helps us to see it in different ways. If I am in a difficult emotional state (crisis, anger, resentment, fear, grief, etc) I especially need help with perspective.
I think that is why you get such varied perspectives. All we see is what you post. And in your posts it is apparent that you have a lot of anger. We are posting to you, in your situation, about your life. We are responding to your posts which seem to have been about your pain and anger in this situation. We have all experienced anger, and sometimes it has been healthy and other times it has been exacerbated by other issues.
As I walked around the lake today I had an ah ha moment about my ex. My reaction to his using again (which includes all the symptoms of crack use:lying, hiding, spending and disappearing) was anger. Of Course! I asked him to leave. Now he is in a sober house and that is his story...
My story continued as I spiraled through anger, grief, and a deep sense of confusion and shame. These emotions braided together and each escalated the other. Great pain! Because I have worked so hard in recovery and I KNOW that I need others perspectives and insight in order to get a better view, I have reached out in the biggest way. My ah ha came today...after so many people have tried to help me sort out my pain, confusion and anger...that my reaction to my ex is tied to old old histories of my past. Including my biggest pain and shame which involved incest. Horrible.
BUT the ah ha came because I realized that my psyche/spirit had been bound by that, that I tied my heartache and shame to the current reaction with my ex. We, as human beings, and especially as human beings tie these things together in our life, because it IS our life. However...what my ex did is not as horrifically awful as all of the heartache and other strains of my life that look like it. How many times I have suffered in my love connections. Abandonment, fear, unworthiness, shame...I just was so incredibly hurt and deeply shamed to once again be being "abandoned" that I couldn't handle it.
But that is not the truth of my ex and I. He has a disease that is awful, it is totally destructive. And so does your son. Some old schoolers may think weed is a walk in the park when compared to something like oxys, meth or crack. But weed is way intense these days. One of the principle signs of its use is total apathy...pipe dreams, lack of motivation...it destroys lives too. Why was he not prepared to leave your house...why didn't he have his sh!t together?? Weed. The party zone, the ruination of your home due to the party is a common "symptom", which is why it is stereotypically portrayed in films. The urination on your couch...disgusting, completely and totally awful. I am so sorry that you have had to clean up after a total stoners disrespectful mess. And I am glad for you that he is out of your home.
But...another part of my ah ha moment had to do with you. Yes, I have been thinking about you and praying for your serenity. I thought, maybe T&S has been reliving all of the other awful addiction related relationships in her life, and this one looks like, smells like, feels like the others...all wrapped up together, braided together like a steely cord...and now she has finally just HAD IT. As you said DONE DONE DONE. Maybe your son even looks like, acts like, one of the older perpetrators.
It is good, very good, that your anger in dealing with this has got you standing up and saying "I'm not going to take it anymore!". I think that we who respond around your anger toward your son are doing so only out of respect to you...so that your anger, coming to a head after all of your experiences...starts to subside into a place of more peace. It must feel the ultimate betrayal to have suffered the addiction of others and then to have it show up, yet again, in the painful behaviors of your son. But do try, maybe, in the stillness of your heart somewhere, to see if there is any "unbraiding" to do. This is what 4th and 5th steps in recovery include. We see how all of our connections relate to us, and how we can untangle them to find more peace in our lives. I pray that you might find more space eventually for forgiveness for your son. That forgiveness is something he may never know about, but it will affect you, your spirit, your life in a profound way. One of the steps toward that may be to look quietly at your anger and see if it is wrapped with the past, and gently peel some of that away from the anger you feel toward your son. You know how they say that three pieces of straw are weak, but when braided together they are strong? Usually that metaphor is used in a positive sense...but the same is true for our more painful emotions. Is the story of your life...the connection with your son...braided together with other painful relationships?
Please know T&S that this is not meant in any way as an excuse for your son. This is meant to maybe give some outside perspective that in some way may ease your anger. It sounds like you are doing well, maintaining your boundaries. But inbetween the lines on your posts is the pain and anger...that is why there are some responses dealing specifically with that. And I really don't think they have been about protecting your son. I think they have been about pointing out a possibility of a place in your heart to open...safely, quietly, with secure boundaries, but probably some grief...which is different than anger, and more healing for you.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by TiredandSpent 
Did you not see above that he was given a bag of clothes LAST WEEK, and thus BECAUSE HE GOT A BAG OF CLOTHES LAST WEEK I was surprised he was wearing exactly what he wore the day he left? It made me question whether the people at work passed on THE CLOTHES WE DROPPED OFF LAST WEEK. I mentioned it in a prior thread and also earlier in this thread:
This man is not shivering naked out in the cold.
You know what I was doing when the cop knocked on the door? I was rolling out dough making sausage mustard tapanadas for a party I'm going to this afternoon. Life goes on, you know. Am I supposed to drop everything and scurry around because it's convenient for AS? Nope, he CHOSE to leave it to me, so he CHOSE to allow me to do it on my time schedule. And for all that ultimately it resulted in just 4 bags of clothes (one given to him LAST WEEK), it was a lot of work--combined with all the other work he left behind him when he CHOSE to trash my house and leave the mess for me (it looked like something out of Hoarders, and I took pictures of the mess which I can post if it's necessary, although I don't see why I should have to).
I get up at 5:15 am to go to work and have been getting home at 7 pm because of the wall-to-wall audit. I'm tired. I have 3 other children, I have to eat and shower and launder and go to meetings/counseling and shop for us/myself and I like to be in bed at 10; it just doesn't interest me to spend the 3 hours I have free running filling AS's needs. The first week he was gone I concentrated on the garbage and dishes and securing the house and putting things away and wiping things down and washing the bedding.
Last weekend we used a roach defogger on his room and moved all the furniture (he loved to throw food wrappers and cans under the couches) and bleached down everything and got a carpet/upholstery shampooer and hauled the couch cushions out to air in the sun (somebody urinated on them). And LAST WEEKEND we (mostly my middle son) put together a BAG OF CLOTHES and dropped them off for AS. He had a respectable amount to get his through the week.
He wants more, fine, but I don't see why I should hop to on his schedule. He had plenty of opportunity to make these arrangements himself and CHOSE not to. He chose to party instead. Just as he gets choices, so do I and I choose to make my home liveable and comfortable for myself and my other children before I choose to make life comfortable for AS. I choose to sleep 8 hours a night. I choose to attend a party this weekend and contribute a platter of food. Not unreasonable on my part at all.
People really, REALLY don't like it when former doormats stand up and say, no more, I come first, not you. They think it's (insert whiny voice) meeeeeen. But AS is not a priority any more in my life; I'm a priority, the other kids are a priority, my home, my job, my friends are priorities ahead of him. He's still on the list, but nowhere near the top. I'm certainly not a priority in AS's life, so it should work well. At least for me. When you are a professional mooch, it's kind of inconvenient and anger-provoking when your doormat stands up and says no more. However, I suspect he's got another doormat in place, so he's going to be fine for a while. Probably not as comfortable as he was here, but not too badly off for someone who only wants to work 10 hours a week, do nothing for himself and spend what little he earns on pot, alcohol and who knows what else.
I'll work him and his needs in as I have time. I'm surprised anyone beside AS would have a problem with that.
This man is not shivering naked out in the cold.
You know what I was doing when the cop knocked on the door? I was rolling out dough making sausage mustard tapanadas for a party I'm going to this afternoon. Life goes on, you know. Am I supposed to drop everything and scurry around because it's convenient for AS? Nope, he CHOSE to leave it to me, so he CHOSE to allow me to do it on my time schedule. And for all that ultimately it resulted in just 4 bags of clothes (one given to him LAST WEEK), it was a lot of work--combined with all the other work he left behind him when he CHOSE to trash my house and leave the mess for me (it looked like something out of Hoarders, and I took pictures of the mess which I can post if it's necessary, although I don't see why I should have to).
I get up at 5:15 am to go to work and have been getting home at 7 pm because of the wall-to-wall audit. I'm tired. I have 3 other children, I have to eat and shower and launder and go to meetings/counseling and shop for us/myself and I like to be in bed at 10; it just doesn't interest me to spend the 3 hours I have free running filling AS's needs. The first week he was gone I concentrated on the garbage and dishes and securing the house and putting things away and wiping things down and washing the bedding.
Last weekend we used a roach defogger on his room and moved all the furniture (he loved to throw food wrappers and cans under the couches) and bleached down everything and got a carpet/upholstery shampooer and hauled the couch cushions out to air in the sun (somebody urinated on them). And LAST WEEKEND we (mostly my middle son) put together a BAG OF CLOTHES and dropped them off for AS. He had a respectable amount to get his through the week.
He wants more, fine, but I don't see why I should hop to on his schedule. He had plenty of opportunity to make these arrangements himself and CHOSE not to. He chose to party instead. Just as he gets choices, so do I and I choose to make my home liveable and comfortable for myself and my other children before I choose to make life comfortable for AS. I choose to sleep 8 hours a night. I choose to attend a party this weekend and contribute a platter of food. Not unreasonable on my part at all.
People really, REALLY don't like it when former doormats stand up and say, no more, I come first, not you. They think it's (insert whiny voice) meeeeeen. But AS is not a priority any more in my life; I'm a priority, the other kids are a priority, my home, my job, my friends are priorities ahead of him. He's still on the list, but nowhere near the top. I'm certainly not a priority in AS's life, so it should work well. At least for me. When you are a professional mooch, it's kind of inconvenient and anger-provoking when your doormat stands up and says no more. However, I suspect he's got another doormat in place, so he's going to be fine for a while. Probably not as comfortable as he was here, but not too badly off for someone who only wants to work 10 hours a week, do nothing for himself and spend what little he earns on pot, alcohol and who knows what else.
I'll work him and his needs in as I have time. I'm surprised anyone beside AS would have a problem with that.
I am sorry Tired. I did not mean to sound like I see your son as the victim. I have been and am often in the same shoes, with my son. I know the pain, anger, and depression it has caused me. I nearly destroyed myself with anger, and let it go, for my own sanity. Anger can be good or bad, depending on how much it controls your thoughts, I feel.
I never meant to insult you, only to help. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by TiredandSpent
Well, I'm DONE with addicts and substance abuse and alcoholics and dry drunks and wet drunks and highs and hoping and recovery (except mine) and figuring things out and making hard decisions about impossible situations. I'm DONE.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
I am sorry for your pain, I know very well how that hurts I've been through it several time and it never gets any easier.
I want you to know you did the right thing! Really you did. Also want you know that the police can not tell you what or whom may be in your house. Thus that is why he left with your son. Now he has to find him some help. Te A is good at surviving and getting by but in time they must face reality. In time he will see that the drugs are the problem.
I am here to support you, I know what you are feeling and thinking. You just did the best thing for your son you could have. We must let go and let God. For he is Gods son also and He cant do his job with us in the way. Your son has the right to live his life the way he chooses, but he must also live with the consequences of his choices. Until they hit there bottom they wont seek help.
Sending you strength and prayer, and prayers your son sees the light.
I want you to know you did the right thing! Really you did. Also want you know that the police can not tell you what or whom may be in your house. Thus that is why he left with your son. Now he has to find him some help. Te A is good at surviving and getting by but in time they must face reality. In time he will see that the drugs are the problem.
I am here to support you, I know what you are feeling and thinking. You just did the best thing for your son you could have. We must let go and let God. For he is Gods son also and He cant do his job with us in the way. Your son has the right to live his life the way he chooses, but he must also live with the consequences of his choices. Until they hit there bottom they wont seek help.
Sending you strength and prayer, and prayers your son sees the light.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Perhaps this is not a good time to say this, and I am sorry in advance if it is not well received, but although your anger is completely justified and appropriate for the situation, I do have one thing to say. As a recovering addict myself who is probably of similar age to your AS (I'm 20) and with a mother who hates my guts... Don't forget to make it a priority to love your AS. This is not to say that you're not allowed to be angry, but don't be hateful. Don't make it a priority to be in his life, interact with him, or be caught in his bs obviously, but don't forget to let him know you still love him if there ever comes a time and place to say it. If there isn't ever a time and place then so be it, but I know from experience with my angry mother (sometimes justified, sometimes not at all justified) if she had told me she loved me instead of saying that I was worthless and no good all the time, it would have made a difference in how I feel about myself now. Addicts do hate themselves and what they're doing to everybody around them, whether you believe it or not.
I highly doubt you have ever said any of those types of things to your son, but I guess I just want you to be aware for some reason. Sorry if I offended you in any way...
Oh, and I do have a qualifier to be on the F&F forum, my dad was a heroin addict, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way and think I'm just some random addict sticking up for you son. That is not my aim.
I highly doubt you have ever said any of those types of things to your son, but I guess I just want you to be aware for some reason. Sorry if I offended you in any way...
Oh, and I do have a qualifier to be on the F&F forum, my dad was a heroin addict, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way and think I'm just some random addict sticking up for you son. That is not my aim.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
this story sounds like my alcoholic and drug addicted husband... he's 40. He had a childhood with abuse and alcoholic parents. I wish he had gotten help and long-term therapy when he was young. (he went for a bit in his teens) He told me the other day that he hated himself, that he was worthless (things his dad used to tell him)... I guess the main difference is that Tired and Spent drew lines while her son was relatively young.
My husband started smoking pot and drinking in his early teens. Became a functioning working alcoholic in his 20's. Would go through periods of unemployment etc that were cushioned by checks (thousands) from his parents who lived in another state... when he crashed and burned 8 yrs ago, they spent another tens of thousands on rehab, etc. He got out and seemed fine in his 30's... working (I suspect they still sent $$) but slowly started again with the alcohol, pot.. and on and on... Now he's forty, still immature, narcissistic, entitled, in massive denial..unemployed... with a severe crack addiction...
His mother has FINALLY cut him off. Tired and Spent.. you and your son and other children are in my prayers.
My husband started smoking pot and drinking in his early teens. Became a functioning working alcoholic in his 20's. Would go through periods of unemployment etc that were cushioned by checks (thousands) from his parents who lived in another state... when he crashed and burned 8 yrs ago, they spent another tens of thousands on rehab, etc. He got out and seemed fine in his 30's... working (I suspect they still sent $$) but slowly started again with the alcohol, pot.. and on and on... Now he's forty, still immature, narcissistic, entitled, in massive denial..unemployed... with a severe crack addiction...
His mother has FINALLY cut him off. Tired and Spent.. you and your son and other children are in my prayers.
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