Blogs


Notices

Advice needed for Cocaine Addicted Husband

Old 01-11-2012, 09:53 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 24
Advice needed for Cocaine Addicted Husband

I am a 38 year old mother of an amazing 18 month old... my husband is a cocaine addict and went from using once every 3 months to using once per week. He drinks and smokes pot but says he's not "addicted" to those things. I believe he substitutes. He lies, sneaks, and always finds a way to get access to cash to use for his drugs. He is moody and verbally abusive at times... blames me for "giving him a hard time" which is basically saying nicely "this has to stop" and refusing to give him cash. I don't do any drugs myself and very rarely drink alcohol (like 5 times per year). I don't swear or yell in front of my daughter... when I mention anything to him nicely, he gets mad and swears etc. On the 23rd of December he finally decided to get help. He went to an outpatient program for 5 days. He finally came clean about his addiction, told the truth, and thought he could beat it. He smoked pot while in the program and drank beer and a 18 days later he did cocaine again... he's also back to his old ways already.... calling me names etc. Any advice??? I've asked him to leave on several occasions but of course he refuses. It is an ENDLESS cycle and my goodness life is simply too short to spend with someone like this. Thank You.
cad235 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to cad235 For This Useful Post:
pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 10:38 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
Take care of yourself and your 18 month old baby. There are sticky notes on top of this page that can give you lots of insight. They have helped me.
ctg492 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ctg492 For This Useful Post:
cad235 (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 10:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
Take care of yourself and your 18 month old baby. There are sticky notes on top of this page that can give you lots of insight. They have helped me.
ctg492 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ctg492 For This Useful Post:
cad235 (01-11-2012), Impurrfect (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 10:50 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
So you leave.

It sucks but sometimes it's what you have to do. I'm pushing 30, I left and I'm living out of one bedroom with my 19 month old son at my parents house. Not where I wanted to be at almost 30 years old but that's okay.

I could not have my son in an environment where my husband was using (prescription pills are his drug). Where if he got too high and lost some pills, my son might find and ingest them. Where if DSS was called on us, *I* would lose my son because I allowed him in a house where drugs were present. Where *I* was not a the best mother I could be because I was constantly angry, snooping and fighting with him. Where *I* felt unloved and abandoned for drugs.

So yes, losing the house and possessions were worth leaving for me.

I saw your post in another thread about starting a business for your husband and that is why you can't leave. That is an excuse....I had 900 of them before I got so tired that I couldn't do it anymore and finally did leave.
InnocntBystnder is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to InnocntBystnder For This Useful Post:
autumn1554 (01-16-2012), BBD (01-11-2012), cad235 (01-11-2012), ColetteTocca (01-11-2012), Farfalla (01-11-2012), Freedom1990 (01-12-2012), Impurrfect (01-11-2012), oneday66 (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Sungrl (01-31-2013)
Old 01-11-2012, 11:05 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
cmc
Member
 
cmc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello cad, welcome to SR.
These are two of our sticky threads for you to read. Have you considered going to Naranon or Al-Anon meetings? In addition to coming here to SR, it's a great way to find some face to face support for yourself.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cy-family.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
cmc is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cmc For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 11:08 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Addicts are not competent to parent. Eventually, most are not competent to do much of anything other than protect and sustain their addiction.

I am a huge fan of Plan B cause one never knows....What can you do to financially sustain yourself and your child without him? Can you protect anything you might have of value that could be stolen and hocked? If he won't leave, will you do so at some point?
outtolunch is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to outtolunch For This Useful Post:
Freedom1990 (01-12-2012), Impurrfect (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Vale (01-13-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 11:30 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
If you've asked him to leave, then it seems you are willing to consider divorce or separation. So then if you don't want to do the leaving, why not get a court order to make him leave. File for divorce or separation, ask for custody and possession of the house and for child support. Even if he can't or won't pay it, it will accrue and will give you leverage in custody and other divorce matters. Parents are required to support their children, and if he's unemployed his support will be based on his unemployment check or imputed from minimum wage. It's also how the court gauges a parent's sense of responsibility toward their child.
TiredandSpent is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to TiredandSpent For This Useful Post:
cad235 (01-11-2012), dandj2010 (01-14-2012), Impurrfect (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 11:47 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
wuzzled's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Originally Posted by cad235 View Post
It is an ENDLESS cycle and my goodness life is simply too short to spend with someone like this. Thank You.
This sums it up in a nutshell!
wuzzled is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to wuzzled For This Useful Post:
autumn1554 (01-16-2012), cad235 (01-11-2012), Impurrfect (01-11-2012), outtolunch (01-16-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Vale (01-13-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 12:31 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Farfalla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by InnocntBystnder View Post
So you leave.

It sucks but sometimes it's what you have to do. I'm pushing 30, I left and I'm living out of one bedroom with my 19 month old son at my parents house. Not where I wanted to be at almost 30 years old but that's okay.

I could not have my son in an environment where my husband was using (prescription pills are his drug). Where if he got too high and lost some pills, my son might find and ingest them. Where if DSS was called on us, *I* would lose my son because I allowed him in a house where drugs were present. Where *I* was not a the best mother I could be because I was constantly angry, snooping and fighting with him. Where *I* felt unloved and abandoned for drugs.

So yes, losing the house and possessions were worth leaving for me.

I saw your post in another thread about starting a business for your husband and that is why you can't leave. That is an excuse....I had 900 of them before I got so tired that I couldn't do it anymore and finally did leave.

Thank you for sharing. Your post popped out at me.
Farfalla is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Farfalla For This Useful Post:
cad235 (01-11-2012), Impurrfect (01-11-2012), InnocntBystnder (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 02:46 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 24
Thank You! I'm in the process of getting my finances in order... house is in my name and is up for sale. He really twists things around and puts the blame on me... it is awful. I have spent the last couple of years doing everything possible and catering to him... it is only during the past 6 months or so that his addiction has progressed and I have started speaking up saying I don't want drugs in my life or my daughters life. He threatens me that "playing f hardball won't work and I'll be f sorry"... etc. etc. End of December when he was in rehab for that one week, we really got along great. I got my hopes up and he told me everything I wanted to hear. What a let down for things to revert back so quickly!
cad235 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to cad235 For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (01-11-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Vale (01-13-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 03:53 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,177
(((cad))) - I'm a recovering crack addict and he's just yelling because he is being forced to face consequences for his actions. When we're using, we want people to "be there" for us - give us money, a place to sleep and food to eat, but other than that? We don't want people messing with us getting our high.

I'm glad you're getting your finances in order and are working to have a safe place for you and your daughter. (((Innocnt))) is spot on correct about the risks to you and your daughter. I had a friend who went to prison for child neglect because her bf was an addict and she had her daughter around him.

Whether he chooses recovery, at some point, or not it's on him. I chose it, my XABF didn't and died in a crack house a couple years ago. He hadn't bothered seeing his younger boys in over a decade, only saw the oldest one because he had HIM selling crack.

I recommend getting anything of value out of his reach. I also wouldn't pay much attention to what he says, unless it's "I'm leaving" and I'd change the locks when he walked out. Actions speak way louder than words, and right now his actions show no concern for you or your daughter.

It's not easy, realizing the person you thought you'd spend your life with has become someone else, but there are so many people here who are, or have been, through similar situations and you're not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Impurrfect For This Useful Post:
autumn1554 (01-16-2012), cad235 (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Vale (01-13-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 04:03 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
I don't have any advice on how to get him out, changing the locks seems like the easiest option since the house is in your name, but I would talk to a lawyer especially with how he's been acting because you want to keep you and your little one safe! I'm sure you've done this, but separate all your money and get a lock box and put everything you can into it. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm a single mom now and I can tell you it's a lot easier than being in a two parent household with an addict. Hugs! Just remember to ask others for help when you need it!
verylost is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to verylost For This Useful Post:
autumn1554 (01-16-2012), cad235 (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Sungrl (01-31-2013)
Old 01-11-2012, 06:45 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I would do whatever you can to get him out of your life as fast as you can. Get sole custody of that sweet baby.

Praying for you!
story74 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to story74 For This Useful Post:
cad235 (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Sungrl (01-31-2013)
Old 01-12-2012, 06:55 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 24
I cannot thank everyone enough for responding. I finally feel like I am not alone.

OK ... When my husband was in outpatient rehab for the week, he came clean and told me that he was basically getting money from his worker to get high. He would pay for his worker's food and cigarettes all week and then I (business is in my name) would write out the check, my husband would take the worker to cash his check (worker has no car or even a bank account) and then my husband would have the worker pay him back for the food/cigarettes.... he would get $100 or so and go get high... or he would lie on how many hours he worked etc. He ALWAYS finds a way. SO, while he was in rehab, we agreed on no cash and no cashing checks etc. I would send the employee the check in the mail..... TODAY he flipped out because I mentioned (nicely) about sending his worker's check in the mail. He was swearing yelling, calling me a f retard etc. in front of our daughter. OBVIOUSLY he has plans to take the kid to cash his check and get some cash himself tomorrow. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Should I give him the check?? Should I refuse and listen to him rant and rave???? He has two personalities and is so manipulative...
cad235 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to cad235 For This Useful Post:
pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-12-2012, 07:03 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
Cad----if it is your business you do what you have to do to protect it.

However, it doesn't matter WHAT you do in relation to his addiction, he is going to get high if he wants to get high. You won't stop him. He is verbally abusing you in front of your 18 month old daughter. He is abusive.
InnocntBystnder is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to InnocntBystnder For This Useful Post:
cad235 (01-12-2012), Impurrfect (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-12-2012, 07:17 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cad235 View Post
TODAY he flipped out because I mentioned (nicely) about sending his worker's check in the mail. He was swearing yelling, calling me a f retard etc. in front of our daughter.

Addicts are not competent to parent.


OBVIOUSLY he has plans to take the kid to cash his check and get some cash himself tomorrow. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Should I give him the check?? Should I refuse and listen to him rant and rave???? He has two personalities and is so manipulative...
" No" is a complete sentence. " No because..." opens the door to manipulation and negotiation. You lose.

Your husband's tantrums have an impact on your child. He can't control himself and you can't control him. He could become violent.

How does any of this benefit your child? Your child is learning how to treat and be treated by others. If your adult child were in a similar relationship as you, what would you tell him/her?
outtolunch is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to outtolunch For This Useful Post:
autumn1554 (01-16-2012), cad235 (01-12-2012), dandj2010 (01-14-2012), Impurrfect (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Vale (01-13-2012)
Old 01-12-2012, 07:31 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
m1k3's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
For me, I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. At that point it didn't matter how scary it was I was going to leave.

Your friend,
m1k3 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to m1k3 For This Useful Post:
autumn1554 (01-16-2012), cad235 (01-12-2012), Freedom1990 (01-12-2012), Impurrfect (01-12-2012), itsanewday2011 (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Vale (01-13-2012)
Old 01-12-2012, 04:45 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It's your business, you told him what you were going to do, so do it.

You have to decide if you want to drive the car or sit in the back seat.

No child should be subjected to this toxic lifestyle. Children are affected all in a
negative way when exposed to abuse and addiction. They carry their childhood into
adulthood, your child has already inherited the gene that predisposes them to addiction.
To me, that quite enough to deal with...I know, I am one of those children, both of my parents were alcoholics, my mother is 86 and still slamming them down...my childhood was pure [email protected], I wish that on no innocent child.

Be the responsible one, protect your child.....at all costs.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
cad235 (01-13-2012), itsanewday2011 (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-12-2012, 09:08 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Originally Posted by cad235 View Post
Thank You! I'm in the process of getting my finances in order... house is in my name and is up for sale. He really twists things around and puts the blame on me... it is awful. I have spent the last couple of years doing everything possible and catering to him... it is only during the past 6 months or so that his addiction has progressed and I have started speaking up saying I don't want drugs in my life or my daughters life. He threatens me that "playing f hardball won't work and I'll be f sorry"... etc. etc. End of December when he was in rehab for that one week, we really got along great. I got my hopes up and he told me everything I wanted to hear. What a let down for things to revert back so quickly!
My ex said the same thing to me - threats, etc that I will be sorry and the divorce will be a knock down drag out. Long story short, it was a way to push my buttons. He ended up not fighting anything and asked for our wedding ring for the settlement (he needed it to hock for cash and more drugs). I held the "ring" hostage until he signed the papers and I have the house, full custody of our 3 year old and he didn't get a dime of my savings (he had drained all of his). I wish you the best. This is a rough time but you will get through it.
itsanewday2011 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to itsanewday2011 For This Useful Post:
autumn1554 (01-16-2012), cad235 (01-13-2012), Impurrfect (01-12-2012), pacificsunrise (01-22-2012)
Old 01-13-2012, 07:41 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 24
Yes it is so difficult living with an addict. He has two personalities... he can be so sweet at times... my daughter absolutely adores her daddy! It makes me sick at times... he said to me "I promise you that she'll (our daughter) know the truth about what you did to our marriage." This is mind boggling... does he really honestly think it's my fault??? I NEVER yell or swear at him and simply say "I will not allow drugs in my life or my daughter's." "It it continues we will separate." He twists my words... I have NEVER met such a manipulator.
cad235 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cad235 For This Useful Post:
pacificsunrise (01-22-2012), Vale (01-13-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:09 PM.