WMaxwell

Everything I'm reading on here says to focus on myself and let my AH do what he's gonna do. I want to do that.

I have a friend whose ex-husband was an Alcoholic. He was in recovery when she met him, and he was still in recovery when she left him. I confide in her sometimes about my husband because she seems to understand the emotional roller coaster I am on.

My problem today is that I am seeing the distinct patterns of a relapse in my AH. My AH is engaging in addictive behaviors, and I am positive that it's only a matter of time before he gets high. I tried to point out these (obvious) signs to him, but he refused to acknowledge them and instead pretty much told me to mind my own business.

My friend suggested that I call his sponsor and just let him know that I am seeing the blaring warning signs, and ask his sponsor to get in touch with AH. The old me would do that in a heart beat, but today I am uncomfortable with that.

This site makes me think that I should just focus on me and let AH fall and figure it out on his own. I do not know how much I should involve myself in his recovery (if at all).

My friend thinks if his sponsor was better informed, his sponsor could get through to him.

I don't know what to do. I feel very strongly that even if inform his sponsor, that it would just PROLONG the relapse rather than prevent it.

What is the proper thing to do?

InnocntBystnder

No you shouldn't. Quit trying to control your husband and that is what you are still doing.

It is up to your husband to recognize his signs of relapse and go to his sponsor. Let him work his own recovery.

WMaxwell

OK. That is what I thought.

TiredandSpent

His sponsor is as helpless as everyone else in the world to fix your husband. He's the go-to person if your husband wants help. He's not the probation officer. If your husband does not choose to go to his sponsor and ask for help, what can the sponsor do? He doesn't have magic fairy dust to sprinkle over your husband to make him behave. All he can do is wait for your husband to reach out to him.

Not only is your husband's addiction and recovery not your business, but it's not his sponsor's business. However, the after effects of your husband's relapse are your business. The loss of income, the property damage, the absentism in your marriage, the abuse, if any...

So if you see a binge coming on, you certainly should take steps to protect yourself and your child.

MsPINKAcres

WOW ~ how healthy your mind and thought process is working ~ I agree with you - probably notifying his sponsor that YOU THINK he MIGHT be headed toward a relapse ~ probably isn't the best thing ~ great recovery for YOU!!

Just from my experience, sponsors probably won't believe you ~ we tend to sound like a tattletail wife

the potential relapsing A will usually justify his/her actions because their mean ole spouse is just picking on them!

It's really a no win situation - another reminder of how powerless we are over this disease . . .

Please do remember when our loved ones are at their worst, we need to be at our best - so double dose up on your recovery ~ Take good care of YOU and hopefully your A will do the Next Right Thing and take care of his recovery too.

PINK HUGS,
Rita

WMaxwell

Thank you all for your support. I do not think his sponsor can cure him, but I think my AH listens to his sponsor and other addicts. He doesn't listen to me. He dismisses me. In his eyes I am an idiot who does not understand.

Well, I've been with him for five years and I know the signs. I know what is coming. I used to turn a blind eye to them (and lie to myself) but I'm not that naive. So it's coming. I will just let it happen.

Meanwhile, I will stash some money in my desk drawer at work so when he steals my debit card and wipes out my account I will have some gas money to fall back on.

The problem I have is when he cleans us out, he expects me to take money out of my savings account to pay our bills and buy him gas and cigarettes and groceries. This money is being saved for a surgery that I need to get in a year. I have cleaned out this account multiple times. I cannot afford to do it again.

Maybe after he has another relapse I will just move out until he figures out the money stuff and then I'll move back in. I don't know how to say, "No" when it's OUR bills that are not getting paid :-/

laurie6781

Change the pin number.

Open a new account for 'household bills'. Keep the checkbook and the debit card at your work, with a pin number he does not have. Transfer to that account monthly by monthly what is needed from the joint account.

When he says he needs/wants money 'from your savings' you have the RIGHT to say NO.

BTW "NO" is a complete sentence.

There are women and men that do stay with their A's, however, they do set boundaries for themselves, they stick to those boundaries, and they DEFINITELY SEPARATE FINANCES, or one of their boundaries is that the A contributes XXXXX amount per paycheck to household expenses.

The non A spouse and/or SO many times will continue to pay the household bills from what they get from A and their own contribution, not as enabling, but just to try and keep their own credit in shape.

As to talking to his sponsor, if his sponsor is any kind of sponsor at all he will not talk to you without the A present.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

MsPINKAcres

another suggestion ~ lock your purse in your car and sleep with your keys in your hand or under your pillow. . .

I did this for almost 3 yrs after my now ex ah relapsed ~ we were married for 10 yrs, he got sober & in recovery for almost 2, relapsed and then I stayed thinking he might go back to recovery . . .

Then one day it hit me - WHY was I trying to sleep with my keys and cell phone in my hand, putting my keys & phone right by the shower every morning, living on edge in my own home. . . and still my now exah was finding a way to steal, deal and use regardless of what i did ~ i moved out ~ i finally figured out I deserved better!

PINK HUGS to you!
Rita

dollydo

Please listen to Laurie, change your pin number....now. Protect yourself, don't give him any money or comingle funds.

Freedom1990

If he's got a sponsor worth his weight in gold, his sponsor knows already.

My sponsor knew where I was headed before I relapsed, and I told him he was dead wrong. My sponsor had no more control over me than the man in the moon.

Guess what? He was right and I was wrong. I had to learn that the hard way.

lyssabee

Along with changing your pin number, also make sure there is no way anyone could know the answers to your secret questions except for you. Make up fake answers that only you know. Took me a long time to figure out I didn’t have to use TRUTHFUL answers. The bank doesn’t know my first pet wasn’t named “StayOutOfMyAccount” – and because he didn’t know my (fake) answer there was no way my husband could call or go online, change my PIN, and get my dough.

That was one expensive AHA, believe me!

ETA: Four years later (still married, RAH now sober) we still have completely separate bank accounts and my pin numbers & secret questions are not known to him. Furthermore at my bank I can (and do) also have a password that I have to give whenever I call for any reason.