Saying Goodbye
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Atlanta,GA
Posts: 38
Saying Goodbye
I know there are good days and then there are bad days...but for the past few weeks it seems like everyday has been bad. Dealing with the death of a friend (had a heart-attack brought on by alcohol and cigarettes) and trying to figure out how to deal with my break up from addict ex-bf. I'm trying to make this a good year but that hasn't been happening.
My ex has been calling me to see how I am, and at first I was ok with that. But when I realized what had happened to my close friend dying from his addictions, I had to tell him everything I'd been thinking. How scared I am for his life and how I just want him to get help and how much everything has been s**t for me, etc., etc. The same thing. I told him that although I love and care about him, I knew I had to tell him that he should call me once he reaches his 9th step. He was shocked and saddened, as am I, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I need help staying strong and be reassured that what I did was the right thing. Saying goodbye is hard and I hope and pray I can do this.
-Panda
My ex has been calling me to see how I am, and at first I was ok with that. But when I realized what had happened to my close friend dying from his addictions, I had to tell him everything I'd been thinking. How scared I am for his life and how I just want him to get help and how much everything has been s**t for me, etc., etc. The same thing. I told him that although I love and care about him, I knew I had to tell him that he should call me once he reaches his 9th step. He was shocked and saddened, as am I, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I need help staying strong and be reassured that what I did was the right thing. Saying goodbye is hard and I hope and pray I can do this.
-Panda
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Some passages from the Al-Anon brochure entitled "Alcoholism, A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial":
"[Those most closely involved with the alcoholic] must learn how people affect each other in this illness and then learn the most difficult part--that of acting in an entirely different fashion."
"[The actors in an alcoholic's life] keep asking the alcoholic why he does not stop drinking and yet it is what they do or fail to do that helps the alcoholic to try again and again to solve his basic human problems by drinking. It is not true that an alcoholic cannot be helped unless he wants help. It is true that there is almost no chance that the alcoholic will stop drinking as long as other people remove all the painful consequences for him. The people [in the alcoholic's life] will find it difficult to change. It is much easier and far less painful for them to say that the alcoholic cannot be helped, than to go through the agony of learning to play a new role."
"If the [partner] of the alcoholic absorbs injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises....and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility toward her....This crushes her; she needs information and counseling, not because she caused her [partner's] illness, but because she is being destroyed by it. This, in turn, hurts the alcoholic and greatly reduces the chance of recovery."
This brochure I carry with me everywhere. Most Al-Anon meetings offer it freely and also I believe it is in one of the sticky's on this site.
Another passage:
" [The partner of the alcoholic] starting [her own] recovery program may cause greater suffering, conflict, and confusion, but in the long run this is far less painful than helping the alcoholic continue to drink by remaining a member of the supporting cast....which keeps the Merry-Go-Round [of alcoholism] turning."
Panda, there are consequences for alcoholics and drug addicts, and one of these is that they will never know the sweet joy of intimacy, commitment, faithfulness, and mutual loving protection with another as long as they are lost in the disease, active or dry.
You are no longer an enabler. This is the most painful and most loving act you will ever perform for his sake.
Stay strong. God bless.
"[Those most closely involved with the alcoholic] must learn how people affect each other in this illness and then learn the most difficult part--that of acting in an entirely different fashion."
"[The actors in an alcoholic's life] keep asking the alcoholic why he does not stop drinking and yet it is what they do or fail to do that helps the alcoholic to try again and again to solve his basic human problems by drinking. It is not true that an alcoholic cannot be helped unless he wants help. It is true that there is almost no chance that the alcoholic will stop drinking as long as other people remove all the painful consequences for him. The people [in the alcoholic's life] will find it difficult to change. It is much easier and far less painful for them to say that the alcoholic cannot be helped, than to go through the agony of learning to play a new role."
"If the [partner] of the alcoholic absorbs injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises....and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility toward her....This crushes her; she needs information and counseling, not because she caused her [partner's] illness, but because she is being destroyed by it. This, in turn, hurts the alcoholic and greatly reduces the chance of recovery."
This brochure I carry with me everywhere. Most Al-Anon meetings offer it freely and also I believe it is in one of the sticky's on this site.
Another passage:
" [The partner of the alcoholic] starting [her own] recovery program may cause greater suffering, conflict, and confusion, but in the long run this is far less painful than helping the alcoholic continue to drink by remaining a member of the supporting cast....which keeps the Merry-Go-Round [of alcoholism] turning."
Panda, there are consequences for alcoholics and drug addicts, and one of these is that they will never know the sweet joy of intimacy, commitment, faithfulness, and mutual loving protection with another as long as they are lost in the disease, active or dry.
You are no longer an enabler. This is the most painful and most loving act you will ever perform for his sake.
Stay strong. God bless.
Last edited by EnglishGarden; 01-10-2012 at 10:35 PM. Reason: punctuation
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
Panda- I'm right there with you. I left my husband of 7 years (our anniversary is this month) and the father of my 19 month old son. It hurts and it sucks and it feels like life is never going to get better. But, I know it will. I know I will survive and if he gets clean, great! If he doesn't.....I'll be okay.
I also LOVE the pamphlet that EnglishGarden is quoting from. The first time I read it, I was like, this IS my life, I am the Provoker! It is an awesome pamphlet. I replace alcoholic with addict and that is in my life.
I also LOVE the pamphlet that EnglishGarden is quoting from. The first time I read it, I was like, this IS my life, I am the Provoker! It is an awesome pamphlet. I replace alcoholic with addict and that is in my life.
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