Ovid

Hi Guys
She came home Wenesday like I new she would.She looks good talks the talk and went to an NA meeting.I only had one question.Are you done?.She said I'm done.That is all I got for today.

lesliej

prayers.
prayers.
prayers.

Ovid

Thanks please pray for me.A long time ago my sponsor told me GOD has 2 plans 1 for each of you at that time I thought he was crazy ,Today I know exactly what he was trying to tell me

hope213

this is her recovery, NOT yours. work your own recovery & let us know how things are going.. remember the 3 c's.. prayers for u both. keep coming back!1

Ovid

Hope
I got it and I'm on it.

Thank you

Ovid

Doing well she is hitting meetings everyday.I'm just taking care of myself and enjoying the results.At the moment life is good thanks everyone for your very valued support

TiredandSpent

I cannot advise. But I too read manipulation. And I read it a couple times to see why I felt that way. Here are my thoughts on it--you paid nothing for them, so that's what they are worth, but anyway:

Sits there ALONE. This to me seems self pitying. Coupled with the word AGAIN it strikes me as being manipulative. She wants you to feel sorry for poor isolated lonely her. But we know she's not alone. She's at rehab surrounded by people. Is she any more alone than you are sitting at home? Is this an AGAIN situation for you?

"You of all people". Yikes. What's she saying here? You are special, stronger, more sensitive, more loving, more dependable? Is she implying that you are letting her down by being normal, having needs and opinions of your own?

This situation is all about her. She's not concerned with anything about you, your loneliness, your needs, maybe even how SHE OF ALL PEOPLE let YOU down.

She has kids, an addiction, failure, and a husband all in pain because of her action, but she is focusing on the dog? I love my dog dearly and she's actually dying of kidney failure right now, but my pain over losing my dog would never supersede my family's pain over how I disappointed them so badly. It seems like she's using the dog in a bid for more pity. And yes, I'm sure she's in pain, but so is everyone else; and she shows NO concern for them. Not even for her own children's pain. Just the dog and herself.

Of course you know the situation better than I so I'm likely way off, but these are the things that make me find this letter manipulative.

Yes, it is a permanent problem SHE must live with the rest of her life. But if you stay with her, it's a permanent problem for YOU as well. She doesn't seem to recognize this. In this life long problem, there's no WE mentioned or thought of.

And it seems that she seems to think that if she hasn't broken this one problem, then somehow you owe her a reward. I'm guessing if you've been going to Al Anon for 10 years and she's in rehab for pill addiction she's got a serious problem and probably has broken dozens and dozens of promises. One kept promise does not wipe out all the others. And I wonder if she can even make such a promise. You know her better than anyone, so ignore me if I'm wrong, but to me it seems like so many of the promises I've heard...."I'll never xxx again..." Sigh, okay, whatever...

"In a relationship like ours..." Again, she seems to be implying that you are throwing something special away, without any understanding that maybe to you it's not so special, that the relationship has caused you incredible amounts of pain.

And her assuming that you'd be her strength--that's just not fair, nor does it seem to me to be all that healthy of her to say, expect or assume that. She's supposed to be in rehab to learn how to be her OWN strength, not to put the responsibility of her staying strong on you. Isn't this the same as her telling you that as long as you perform she will stay clean? No, that's not right. Her sobriety should depend 100% on herself, not on you. It seems that this line alone is enough to demonstrate she's not ready to come home, that she does not understand even the basics of recovery...? Does anyone agree with me?

Here's a challenge coming from her: Prove you are man enough to stand by me, and the implication that if you leave, you are a weak coward running away from a princess in distress. This is terribly manipulative.

She says she understands that she is a burden, but if she understood she would not have written the letter.

I don't know what this refers to, but it seems like an accusation: you aren't performing your part correctly, you aren't reading your script as she's written it, she's telling you you are failing HER, and there's no real acknowledgement that she's failed you and you have justified anger and pain because of it.

I understand that people in addiction cannot see anyone else's point of view because they are in so much pain, fear, denial or whatever; but just the same it again seems to indicate that she's not ready to come home and resume a healthy relationship with you or the children or anyone. I understand it's unreasonable to expect her to. But even if she cannot see your pain and anger and trust issues (if you are struggling with any of those things), YOU are allowed to honor them just the same. They exist anyway, and it's fair for you to respect those feelings and handle them the way you feel most comfortable--even if it inconveniences or hurts or disappoints her.

She's devastated and it's your fault--none of hers even though she claims she understands. She's devastated that you don't want to grow old with her? I wonder if like me dealing with an addict you sometimes feel like you are growing old before your time? And the mean, skeptical part of me wonders if she's not more devastated not to grow old with you because she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life without your enabling? Gosh darn, does this means she's going to have to fend for herself? Maybe she doesn't like that? That's guessing and speculation and projection on my part, but it's what makes me think this is manipulative.

She's loved you with all of her heart? Except for the large part of her heart that she's devoted to loving her pills.

If she knows she will find a solution to her pain and is following God's guidance, then why does she need to lean on you for strength? In a way after telling you that you are special and your relationship is special and it's the fount she counts on to facilitate her healing, she seems to be telling you she doesn't need you anyway, she'll get along just fine without you.

I am confused by this, and wonder if maybe you are too. It might be the martyr thing, the spurned lonely sick woman, fighting valiantly alone with only God on her side. But it might be the beginning of understanding that her recovery is hers, something I'm guessing she hears in counseling, and that's what's confusing.

But that much of the letter is confusing, seems to be a signal that it's not a good idea for her to come back yet. Coming back might confuse her recovery and yours and the lives of the children.

That she didn't MEAN it doesn't signify anything. She has done so and you have legitimate concern that she might do so again. I'm sure she's legitimately sad things have turned out this way, but suspicious me wonders if she doesn't feel that maybe you shouldn't be disappointed in her, and that if you would get over that disappointment, she wouldn't have to feel sad. I wonder if she's disappointed in herself.

It's hard to read if she's sincere here or manipulative--but again, does it matter? If it's confusing maybe it just means it isn't time for her to come back. She should come back when you are are both SURE of yourselves and each other, and that's not the case.

The last sentence about Bella being in peace now and no longer suffering put me on alert. I'm not sure what the situation with Bella was, but I wonder why she put it there. It's out of context and out of the natural flow of the letter and the direction of thoughts--unless it were an implied threat.

Could she be hinting that Bella is now at peace and out of suffering because she's dead and that means she's considering that as a solution for herself? That would make sense in the flow of the letter: guilt, blameshifting, subtle accusation, martyrdom, self absorption, pseudo gallantry (the stuff about God leading her), shallow apology of sorts, then a subtle threat of suicide chased by an I will always love you. This is why I read the letter as being manipulative.

This is just speculation. You of course know her better, and know all the details of the situation, any of one of dozens could put a whole different spin on the letter. If your gut tells youi she's being manipulative, then go with your gut.

Can you discuss the situation with Charlie and see what he has to say about the letter?