Wife coming home Help!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Wife coming home Help!!!
My wife called me from rehab and says she completed a Medical detox and a 10 day after care.Oh **** she has a pill addiction.I told her I didn't want her to come home and her response was WHY?.I told her I would like her to ask them permission if they think she is ready.She responded that she would find another place to live.I'm going to share a letter with you guys.Bella is the dog we put down in that letter Charlie is the counselor please advise
Dear Ovid,
I sit here alone again thinking that or thought that you of all people would be on my side to support me in this difficult time with Bella first but also with my pain situation. Like I said at Charlie's this is a temporary solution for a permanent problem that I must live with for the rest of my life. I have not broken my promise to you that I would never be who I was at one time in my life. In a relationship especially one like ours, I guess I assumed you would be able to be by my side, my strength to keep me going. Maybe it's to much for you to stand by me, more of a burden, I can understand that. You said I can't say I'm sorry, when I have said it. I am the one who always said I wanted to "grow old with you", me I was the one and I am devastated that you do not feel the same way. I have loved you with all my heart and never stopped. I'm sorry you no longer feel that way. In time I will find a solution to my pain and god will guide me forward. In closing it saddens me to know how very disappointed you are in me and I never meant to cause you such turmoil in your life. Bella is in peace and no longer suffering...
I will love you always
Dear Ovid,
I sit here alone again thinking that or thought that you of all people would be on my side to support me in this difficult time with Bella first but also with my pain situation. Like I said at Charlie's this is a temporary solution for a permanent problem that I must live with for the rest of my life. I have not broken my promise to you that I would never be who I was at one time in my life. In a relationship especially one like ours, I guess I assumed you would be able to be by my side, my strength to keep me going. Maybe it's to much for you to stand by me, more of a burden, I can understand that. You said I can't say I'm sorry, when I have said it. I am the one who always said I wanted to "grow old with you", me I was the one and I am devastated that you do not feel the same way. I have loved you with all my heart and never stopped. I'm sorry you no longer feel that way. In time I will find a solution to my pain and god will guide me forward. In closing it saddens me to know how very disappointed you are in me and I never meant to cause you such turmoil in your life. Bella is in peace and no longer suffering...
I will love you always
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ovid, that letter must bring you a lot of pain. It's hard when we have to hold our ground, but we need to protect ourselves.
I don't know what is right for you, but whatever you choose to do, please know that we are here walking with you.
Hugs
I don't know what is right for you, but whatever you choose to do, please know that we are here walking with you.
Hugs
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I realize that you are in pain. But if you could, read it with a 'stranger's eyes'.
What I see in that letter and what I believe others will see is the MANIPULATION of an active Addict.
I suspect that she is wanting out of where she is at. I really know of no Rehabs that release a client after detox and only 10 days.
It would be best for her if she chose to go to a Sober Living House, but that is her choice.
I would like to ask what you are doing for you? Have you looked into Naranon and/or Alanon if there are no Naranon meetings in your area? Or looked into finding some counseling for yourself with a counselor that specializes in addictions?
What happens now is really up to you. You will have to decide what yur 'boundaries' are and be committed to stick with them.
I know that this is far from easy and in reality is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do.
As Ann said above, just know we are walking with you in spirit, and you can come here 24/7 to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh at some of the ridiculous things our A's do and/or say.
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Love and hugs,
What I see in that letter and what I believe others will see is the MANIPULATION of an active Addict.
I suspect that she is wanting out of where she is at. I really know of no Rehabs that release a client after detox and only 10 days.
It would be best for her if she chose to go to a Sober Living House, but that is her choice.
I would like to ask what you are doing for you? Have you looked into Naranon and/or Alanon if there are no Naranon meetings in your area? Or looked into finding some counseling for yourself with a counselor that specializes in addictions?
What happens now is really up to you. You will have to decide what yur 'boundaries' are and be committed to stick with them.
I know that this is far from easy and in reality is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do.
As Ann said above, just know we are walking with you in spirit, and you can come here 24/7 to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh at some of the ridiculous things our A's do and/or say.
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
I realize that you are in pain. But if you could, read it with a 'stranger's eyes'.
What I see in that letter and what I believe others will see is the MANIPULATION of an active Addict.
I suspect that she is wanting out of where she is at. I really know of no Rehabs that release a client after detox and only 10 days.
It would be best for her if she chose to go to a Sober Living House, but that is her choice.
I would like to ask what you are doing for you? Have you looked into Naranon and/or Alanon if there are no Naranon meetings in your area? Or looked into finding some counseling for yourself with a counselor that specializes in addictions?
What happens now is really up to you. You will have to decide what yur 'boundaries' are and be committed to stick with them.
I know that this is far from easy and in reality is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do.
As Ann said above, just know we are walking with you in spirit, and you can come here 24/7 to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh at some of the ridiculous things our A's do and/or say.
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Love and hugs,
What I see in that letter and what I believe others will see is the MANIPULATION of an active Addict.
I suspect that she is wanting out of where she is at. I really know of no Rehabs that release a client after detox and only 10 days.
It would be best for her if she chose to go to a Sober Living House, but that is her choice.
I would like to ask what you are doing for you? Have you looked into Naranon and/or Alanon if there are no Naranon meetings in your area? Or looked into finding some counseling for yourself with a counselor that specializes in addictions?
What happens now is really up to you. You will have to decide what yur 'boundaries' are and be committed to stick with them.
I know that this is far from easy and in reality is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do.
As Ann said above, just know we are walking with you in spirit, and you can come here 24/7 to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh at some of the ridiculous things our A's do and/or say.
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Love and hugs,
Yes I see manipulation in the letter as well and my alarm bells are going off.Maybe you guys can help with a list of boundries.She can move some where else or stay in rehab ,But she can leave anytime she wants and show up at home.My kids are upset that I didn't want her to come home.I've tried to explain it might be better she stays in rehab without trying to control the whole ordeal.But thats what I end up sounding like.I go to 2 Alanon meetings a week I have been going for 10 years.However the attitude is a little softer there.If I bring it up at alanon or to my sponsor they are more inclined Live and let live and pray like a devil.I found I like the site and some of the responses that are given because they can have extremes.I have the counselor he is onboard but he doesn't live in the house
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ovid))) - I read manipulation into it, as well. I don't know the "right" thing, either, but seriously doubt she has totally changed in less than 2 weeks. I know for me, though I didn't go to rehab, I was pretty much on an emotional roller-coaster at 2 weeks, and longer, and I don't blame you for not wanting yourself or your kids around that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i read the manipulation in it also. i know u hurt. i know u still love her. this letter is trying to make u feel guilty. do not take the bait. she will say anything to get you to do what she wants. talk to her, tell her u need space & want her to have space while you both work your recovery. do whatever u think is right for YOU. we will b here reguardless. hope & prayers,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Ovid, I received a letter from our son when he was incarcerated with some of the same kind of languaging. I am walking this journey in the present. I do believe that there is regret in the letter as well as the addict speaking. I cannot even tell you how hard it was to read that letter from my son. He said in the end he wanted us to cut him out of all of our wills, out of his Grandmothers will (who has terminal cancer) and to not let him talk to his brother or sister. I saw the letter as his first time facing the demons that made him do the things that he did. He did speak in his letter about reflecting on how the heroin overtook his life and why he thinks he continued to do it, being very unhappy with his choices. All I can say is, I responded with a letter to him saying we would always love him, he is our son and that would never change. I let him know that the rehab option is the best option he has, and he needs to walk that path by himself. So far, so good. We will see. Hugs and prayers to you in this very difficult time.
TT
TT
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Years and years and years ago, there was an actress of the stage and a bit in early movies named Sarah Bernhardt:
Sarah Bernhardt - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
She was really superb at emoting on the stage. Could cry, wail, laugh, on cue very convincingly.
The letters that are being described here from rehab and/or jail used to be called:
"Pulling a Bernhardt."
Jailhouse remoirse, rehab remorse, hang dog looks, oh yes, we A's in practicing our addictions and into recovery are the world's best manipulators and con artists.
That is why I had to learn for both my sides, my addiction side and my codie side, that I HAD TO KEEP MY SIDE OF THE STREET CLEAN, and ONLY MY SIDE.
I very rarely listen to an A's words any more, I WATCH THEIR ACTIONS.
Helps me KEEP my side of the street clean, lol
Love and hugs,
Sarah Bernhardt - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
She was really superb at emoting on the stage. Could cry, wail, laugh, on cue very convincingly.
The letters that are being described here from rehab and/or jail used to be called:
"Pulling a Bernhardt."
Jailhouse remoirse, rehab remorse, hang dog looks, oh yes, we A's in practicing our addictions and into recovery are the world's best manipulators and con artists.
That is why I had to learn for both my sides, my addiction side and my codie side, that I HAD TO KEEP MY SIDE OF THE STREET CLEAN, and ONLY MY SIDE.
I very rarely listen to an A's words any more, I WATCH THEIR ACTIONS.
Helps me KEEP my side of the street clean, lol
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Hey Ovid, why does your post title say she's coming home? is she? from the tone of your posts you are so not ready for that. why does she write a letter as though a momentous decision has been made? has it? She is being manipulative because we all are...we all say and do things to get what we want in life. Addicts, however, do so to an extreme. In order for them to continue having relationships with people that they lie to and check out on they have to cover up with "sad remorseful" responses that beg for yet more support, understanding, etc etc.
I'm guessing she was full on using long before dear Bella died. She's using the lovely pet as a trigger to both bring up sorrow and bond you two together. How can she talk about your pet dying in the same paragraph long letter about the dissolve of your relationship. Its all more than a little twisted.
She doesn't want to give you space and time you need to recover because A. she wants your "support" and B. she's probably afraid that with some clarity you'll full on see what she gives you in return.
I'm guessing she was full on using long before dear Bella died. She's using the lovely pet as a trigger to both bring up sorrow and bond you two together. How can she talk about your pet dying in the same paragraph long letter about the dissolve of your relationship. Its all more than a little twisted.
She doesn't want to give you space and time you need to recover because A. she wants your "support" and B. she's probably afraid that with some clarity you'll full on see what she gives you in return.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
10 years in alanon says that she has been putting you through the wringer for quite some time. What I don't see in the note is a desire to do everything possibly to get clean and stay clean so maybe you could be together someday. It is all about today and being accepted back into the fold. This is what I have dealt with, with my AH. He will say all the sweet nothings that he has known work with me...in lieau of committing to actions, that albeit hard and painful, would show a desire to do something meaningful to change his life! It is crazy making. Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by lesliej
Hey Ovid, why does your post title say she's coming home? is she? from the tone of your posts you are so not ready for that. why does she write a letter as though a momentous decision has been made? has it? She is being manipulative because we all are...we all say and do things to get what we want in life. Addicts, however, do so to an extreme. In order for them to continue having relationships with people that they lie to and check out on they have to cover up with "sad remorseful" responses that beg for yet more support, understanding, etc etc.
I'm guessing she was full on using long before dear Bella died. She's using the lovely pet as a trigger to both bring up sorrow and bond you two together. How can she talk about your pet dying in the same paragraph long letter about the dissolve of your relationship. Its all more than a little twisted.
She doesn't want to give you space and time you need to recover because A. she wants your "support" and B. she's probably afraid that with some clarity you'll full on see what she gives you in return.
I'm guessing she was full on using long before dear Bella died. She's using the lovely pet as a trigger to both bring up sorrow and bond you two together. How can she talk about your pet dying in the same paragraph long letter about the dissolve of your relationship. Its all more than a little twisted.
She doesn't want to give you space and time you need to recover because A. she wants your "support" and B. she's probably afraid that with some clarity you'll full on see what she gives you in return.
Your on it.That letter is a day before she went to detox.I didn't respond to her letter.Currently I stood that ground on her coming home.But who knows she can just show up.She is playing the victim card with our kids and her family.When I dropped her at detox I left her a checkbook so she could do anything she wants.Explain a little more on(A. she wants your "support" and B. she's probably afraid that with some clarity you'll full on see what she gives you in return)?.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I don't know what you should do but dang, LOTS of manipulation in that letter. It's got "feel sorry for me" and "feel guilty" written all over it.
You've been together for 10 years and she's been an active addict the entire time?
If so, I would say your "support" is more lilke enabling than true support. I don't mean that as a putdown either. I'm a master enabler. Just trying to give you something to think about.
If you feel in your gut your not ready or don't want her home for good, do it ..... I know I used to lead with my heart and it generally got me into situations I had a difficult time getting out of.
Good luck to you!
You've been together for 10 years and she's been an active addict the entire time?
If so, I would say your "support" is more lilke enabling than true support. I don't mean that as a putdown either. I'm a master enabler. Just trying to give you something to think about.
If you feel in your gut your not ready or don't want her home for good, do it ..... I know I used to lead with my heart and it generally got me into situations I had a difficult time getting out of.
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
Hi ovid-
i probably cannot say anything more than what has been said, but as i read the letter, i could hear my alo's voice in it and just hearing that made me think of manipulation. it has taken me a while to see it int he letters i get, but sometimes it is easier to see that possibility as an outsider. i don't know if it is pure manipulation or just as surge of emotion at the time or fear or something, but it does ring of having something off about it.
as i was reading it, it also seemed to be like a reply to a farewell letter, like you had just said you were leaving forever and that was your final answer.
i wish i knew what to say. i hope things go ok for you
i probably cannot say anything more than what has been said, but as i read the letter, i could hear my alo's voice in it and just hearing that made me think of manipulation. it has taken me a while to see it int he letters i get, but sometimes it is easier to see that possibility as an outsider. i don't know if it is pure manipulation or just as surge of emotion at the time or fear or something, but it does ring of having something off about it.
as i was reading it, it also seemed to be like a reply to a farewell letter, like you had just said you were leaving forever and that was your final answer.
i wish i knew what to say. i hope things go ok for you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Ever since I said she cannot come home.She hasn't contacted me or the kids 20/24 years old .I do thank you guys for your support.I look forward to checking in on your thoughts.If she stays it would benefit her.It would be so easy to just surrender,I will never completely understand the dynamics of active addiction and the demons that run around in their heads not to give up.Oh Well
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
re: the "support" and clarity mentioned before...
my exABF was so aware of recovery circles and how to "survive and control his use" (twenty years using the system for "support" as in lodge retreat treatments and emergency housing in sober living) he knew the who's who of Minneapolis...knew the treatments, the protocols, the lengths of stay, the ways to get in, the costs, the curfews, the nearest place to buy crack by any of them.
when I started going to al anon I swear it was like a golden ticket for him. he would get my "support" without the controlling, nagging or freak outs. I was now supposed to own my part, take care of my sh** and leave him alone. I guess he had an abbreviated understanding of al anon.
he always wanted me to help support him, have empathy, understanding and a shoulder. He wanted me to see all the sad pathetic "reasons" (excuses) that he "relapsed" again and again. but if I wanted support I was "needy" or if I was concerned about how he was doing I was projecting or it was "my sh**".
where was MY support? not from him. he always wanted but couldn't give it back...at least not in the relationship vs. crack realm. I am in recovery as well. I have six years sober...but I was expected to be perfect in my recovery and work al anon perfectly so that he could receive perfect support.
the more distance I have the more clarity I have. I have clarity about the reasons that I love/d him...and I have clarity about how out of balance the support was. I was doing the recovery work of 1.75 people while he was doing .25.
support...clarity, she won't want to lose your empathy, caring, understanding, worry, attention, soothing concern, etc etc. your support is a comfort and when clarity shows that it's been getting used up by an addict she knows the soft pillowy part won't be so soft. clarity may just equal some tough love but I bet she won't accept that as "support" she wants to tell YOU how you should support HER...what is she going to do for her part of the relationship? give you a little space to heal, support you in your decision to do so, or blame and guilt you right out of your own self care?
my exABF was so aware of recovery circles and how to "survive and control his use" (twenty years using the system for "support" as in lodge retreat treatments and emergency housing in sober living) he knew the who's who of Minneapolis...knew the treatments, the protocols, the lengths of stay, the ways to get in, the costs, the curfews, the nearest place to buy crack by any of them.
when I started going to al anon I swear it was like a golden ticket for him. he would get my "support" without the controlling, nagging or freak outs. I was now supposed to own my part, take care of my sh** and leave him alone. I guess he had an abbreviated understanding of al anon.
he always wanted me to help support him, have empathy, understanding and a shoulder. He wanted me to see all the sad pathetic "reasons" (excuses) that he "relapsed" again and again. but if I wanted support I was "needy" or if I was concerned about how he was doing I was projecting or it was "my sh**".
where was MY support? not from him. he always wanted but couldn't give it back...at least not in the relationship vs. crack realm. I am in recovery as well. I have six years sober...but I was expected to be perfect in my recovery and work al anon perfectly so that he could receive perfect support.
the more distance I have the more clarity I have. I have clarity about the reasons that I love/d him...and I have clarity about how out of balance the support was. I was doing the recovery work of 1.75 people while he was doing .25.
support...clarity, she won't want to lose your empathy, caring, understanding, worry, attention, soothing concern, etc etc. your support is a comfort and when clarity shows that it's been getting used up by an addict she knows the soft pillowy part won't be so soft. clarity may just equal some tough love but I bet she won't accept that as "support" she wants to tell YOU how you should support HER...what is she going to do for her part of the relationship? give you a little space to heal, support you in your decision to do so, or blame and guilt you right out of your own self care?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by lesliej
re: the "support" and clarity mentioned before...
my exABF was so aware of recovery circles and how to "survive and control his use" (twenty years using the system for "support" as in lodge retreat treatments and emergency housing in sober living) he knew the who's who of Minneapolis...knew the treatments, the protocols, the lengths of stay, the ways to get in, the costs, the curfews, the nearest place to buy crack by any of them.
when I started going to al anon I swear it was like a golden ticket for him. he would get my "support" without the controlling, nagging or freak outs. I was now supposed to own my part, take care of my sh** and leave him alone. I guess he had an abbreviated understanding of al anon.
he always wanted me to help support him, have empathy, understanding and a shoulder. He wanted me to see all the sad pathetic "reasons" (excuses) that he "relapsed" again and again. but if I wanted support I was "needy" or if I was concerned about how he was doing I was projecting or it was "my sh**".
where was MY support? not from him. he always wanted but couldn't give it back...at least not in the relationship vs. crack realm. I am in recovery as well. I have six years sober...but I was expected to be perfect in my recovery and work al anon perfectly so that he could receive perfect support.
the more distance I have the more clarity I have. I have clarity about the reasons that I love/d him...and I have clarity about how out of balance the support was. I was doing the recovery work of 1.75 people while he was doing .25.
support...clarity, she won't want to lose your empathy, caring, understanding, worry, attention, soothing concern, etc etc. your support is a comfort and when clarity shows that it's been getting used up by an addict she knows the soft pillowy part won't be so soft. clarity may just equal some tough love but I bet she won't accept that as "support" she wants to tell YOU how you should support HER...what is she going to do for her part of the relationship? give you a little space to heal, support you in your decision to do so, or blame and guilt you right out of your own self care?
my exABF was so aware of recovery circles and how to "survive and control his use" (twenty years using the system for "support" as in lodge retreat treatments and emergency housing in sober living) he knew the who's who of Minneapolis...knew the treatments, the protocols, the lengths of stay, the ways to get in, the costs, the curfews, the nearest place to buy crack by any of them.
when I started going to al anon I swear it was like a golden ticket for him. he would get my "support" without the controlling, nagging or freak outs. I was now supposed to own my part, take care of my sh** and leave him alone. I guess he had an abbreviated understanding of al anon.
he always wanted me to help support him, have empathy, understanding and a shoulder. He wanted me to see all the sad pathetic "reasons" (excuses) that he "relapsed" again and again. but if I wanted support I was "needy" or if I was concerned about how he was doing I was projecting or it was "my sh**".
where was MY support? not from him. he always wanted but couldn't give it back...at least not in the relationship vs. crack realm. I am in recovery as well. I have six years sober...but I was expected to be perfect in my recovery and work al anon perfectly so that he could receive perfect support.
the more distance I have the more clarity I have. I have clarity about the reasons that I love/d him...and I have clarity about how out of balance the support was. I was doing the recovery work of 1.75 people while he was doing .25.
support...clarity, she won't want to lose your empathy, caring, understanding, worry, attention, soothing concern, etc etc. your support is a comfort and when clarity shows that it's been getting used up by an addict she knows the soft pillowy part won't be so soft. clarity may just equal some tough love but I bet she won't accept that as "support" she wants to tell YOU how you should support HER...what is she going to do for her part of the relationship? give you a little space to heal, support you in your decision to do so, or blame and guilt you right out of your own self care?
That was very well said.I have an equal situation.She knows the program very,very well.Always dismisses any fault or plays some wierd games.Turns the relastionship on and off like a remote.Man I'm sounding like Blah,Blah,Blah I just want a happy ******* place on earth . Pull up a chair and
Get the popcorn out
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((ovid))
Hate so much you are going thru this difficult time and the disease is attempting to steal the joy and serenity from your life
Please remember it is ok to make decisions on what is healthiest for YOU! Healthy Relationships are suppose to be mutual beneficial.
I finally came to a place where I had to tell others it's the healthiest thing for me to make my decisions based on actions rather than intentions.
Wishing you a day filled with peace, joy, laughter & sanity!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Hate so much you are going thru this difficult time and the disease is attempting to steal the joy and serenity from your life
Please remember it is ok to make decisions on what is healthiest for YOU! Healthy Relationships are suppose to be mutual beneficial.
I finally came to a place where I had to tell others it's the healthiest thing for me to make my decisions based on actions rather than intentions.
Wishing you a day filled with peace, joy, laughter & sanity!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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