mentally preparing
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
mentally preparing
My RAsister is coming home tomorrow night for a court date on Wednesday. Quick background, she wend to detox in Jan of this year, then to rehab, then into sober living (all after 10 years of severe heroin/pill addiction). Was doing great - sponser, working the steps, stable job, etc. She came home for court in October and stayed 10 days. While home she relapsed -- used once -- she was cleaning out her old bedroom at my mom's house and found pills. She threw them away, but later went through the trash and took them. She told her sponser and my mom right away, went straight back to a several day detox and back to the (more strict part) of her sober living. She has continued doing great - working, meetings daily, IOP, etc.
Though I had done a lot of work on myself years ago, and was in a good place with myself/my sister, this really messed with my head. I realized that I had found a healthy means of taking care of myself with an Asister, but I did not know how to cope (and in many ways regressed!) when she began her own recovery. That is when I found this site, which I have been so grateful for, picked up old literature, and sought out meetings again. It was a reminder that the work on myself can't ever stop!
So, my sister is coming back again late tomorrow and I am just trying to mentally prepare. It has only been 6 weeks since she used while home last time, but she couldn't get court postponed. She feels okay about coming back, has already planned her schedule for the whole time she is here (including meetings). I keep telling myself HER RECOVERY IS HER RECOVERY. All I can do is be her sister -- give her a ride to meetings if she wants to go, give her a place to stay -- no more, no less. I just don't want my old tendencies to creep up -- looking over her shoulder, obsessing about what she is doing/who she is with/her possibly using, etc. That "me" feels like so long ago, and yet last month made me realize that it is so easy to fall back into that place. Her recovery gave me hope for the first time in so long, it was hard not to get wrapped up in it. While she is here I want her to feel supported and I want to feel healthy and not fixated on her . . . awfulizing and catastrophizing! But after last month I know it will be so hard not to fall into that . . .
I am picking her up from the airport tomorrow night. We have talked some about how she is feeling about coming home again (nervous, but okay) and I have been honest and told her I feel the same
I guess she and I will both just have to take it one day at a time . . .
Guess I just wanted to "talk" out what I have been thinking about. And of course ask for any suggestion/experience as to how to avoid falling into old patterns, or how I can best support her while supporting myself. Thanks for reading . . .as usual, I have a hard time keeping it brief!
Though I had done a lot of work on myself years ago, and was in a good place with myself/my sister, this really messed with my head. I realized that I had found a healthy means of taking care of myself with an Asister, but I did not know how to cope (and in many ways regressed!) when she began her own recovery. That is when I found this site, which I have been so grateful for, picked up old literature, and sought out meetings again. It was a reminder that the work on myself can't ever stop!
So, my sister is coming back again late tomorrow and I am just trying to mentally prepare. It has only been 6 weeks since she used while home last time, but she couldn't get court postponed. She feels okay about coming back, has already planned her schedule for the whole time she is here (including meetings). I keep telling myself HER RECOVERY IS HER RECOVERY. All I can do is be her sister -- give her a ride to meetings if she wants to go, give her a place to stay -- no more, no less. I just don't want my old tendencies to creep up -- looking over her shoulder, obsessing about what she is doing/who she is with/her possibly using, etc. That "me" feels like so long ago, and yet last month made me realize that it is so easy to fall back into that place. Her recovery gave me hope for the first time in so long, it was hard not to get wrapped up in it. While she is here I want her to feel supported and I want to feel healthy and not fixated on her . . . awfulizing and catastrophizing! But after last month I know it will be so hard not to fall into that . . .
I am picking her up from the airport tomorrow night. We have talked some about how she is feeling about coming home again (nervous, but okay) and I have been honest and told her I feel the same
I guess she and I will both just have to take it one day at a time . . . Guess I just wanted to "talk" out what I have been thinking about. And of course ask for any suggestion/experience as to how to avoid falling into old patterns, or how I can best support her while supporting myself. Thanks for reading . . .as usual, I have a hard time keeping it brief!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Sounds like your thinking is right on. I find it best not to bring the addiction up, But if the addict brings up the topic we talk about it. Try not to make it the elephant in the room so to speak. It is more important to make life and the relationship the main focus.
Good luck with the visit hope all goes well,
Be well,
Good luck with the visit hope all goes well,
Be well,
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey there-
I am actually in a similar situation with my sister who is the A. I at one time thought I was going to be able to manage her recovery. This is a lie because the only person who can make my sister stop using is her.
I feel that my sister creates drama so she can stage herself to use. She thinks everything i say is an attack. she has all kinds of health problems and addictions and blows her top a lot. Yuck i can live without that so I do.
I stay away from my sister. My sister is 13 years younger than I am so our age differences may come into play especially when my sister likes to revert back to being about 14 years old. While I am in my 50s all the time these days and she is in her 40's. I find I have to just not be around her. I see her on holidays.
I cannot fight my sister's demons for her. I have tried boy they kicked my butt. I know they are kicking her's too. As far as I can tell there is not a whole lot i can do about it.
i hope you can get to a better place with your sister. I know my sister loves me and i love her. What I have learned is she has a sickness and a pain that I can not heal. Only God can heal my sister. I give my sister over to God.
believe me I have tried minding my sisters business before many times. She has been forced into rehab several times. She is clean of illegal drugs right now as far as I know if she relapses it is really not my business.
I am actually in a similar situation with my sister who is the A. I at one time thought I was going to be able to manage her recovery. This is a lie because the only person who can make my sister stop using is her.
I feel that my sister creates drama so she can stage herself to use. She thinks everything i say is an attack. she has all kinds of health problems and addictions and blows her top a lot. Yuck i can live without that so I do.
I stay away from my sister. My sister is 13 years younger than I am so our age differences may come into play especially when my sister likes to revert back to being about 14 years old. While I am in my 50s all the time these days and she is in her 40's. I find I have to just not be around her. I see her on holidays.
I cannot fight my sister's demons for her. I have tried boy they kicked my butt. I know they are kicking her's too. As far as I can tell there is not a whole lot i can do about it.
i hope you can get to a better place with your sister. I know my sister loves me and i love her. What I have learned is she has a sickness and a pain that I can not heal. Only God can heal my sister. I give my sister over to God.
believe me I have tried minding my sisters business before many times. She has been forced into rehab several times. She is clean of illegal drugs right now as far as I know if she relapses it is really not my business.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
thanks guys! quick update-- my sister left this morning. her visit was great and, for the most part, i kept my obsessing in check she stayed at my moms a couple nights (which is where she lived/relapsed last time) and it did make me nervous, but i just kept reminding myself i have no control over her recovery. i just need to continue reminding myself to appreciate the days i have with her clean and in recovery, and not worry about what is to come. i did my best with that this time around, i feel like i did pretty well!
there was only one really sore spot of the visit. my sister's AXBF is in jail (went to jail before my sis got clean) and my mom keeps in contact with him. my sister went no contact with him very early in her recovery, and has asked my mom to do the same. ever the codie/enabler my mom has continued to take calls from him and send him cards in jail because she "feels bad for him". we had a very heated family conversation about it last night, in which my mom continued to defend staying in touch with him despite my sister again explaining that "everyone" (she, her sponser, therapist, NA support, etc) all agree that for my sister's recovery it would be best for my mom to go no contact with him too, b/c if not when he is released it will increase the likelihood that he will seek out my mom any my sister again for support (my mom enabled him along with my sister for years, even after sister's previous bf died of an OD in my mom's house). even with my sister living in another state and having no contact with him, i would not be even a little surprised if he asked my mom if he could move in with her after release!
i have stayed out of most issues regarding my mom enabling my sister for a long time, but this got me wrapped into it all over again
it is so much harder to stay out of it when my sister is asking (begging really!) my mom to do this and my mom is still saying no because of her own issues. she kept saying that she wants my sister to get in touch with her ex's sister/other family and ask them to start writing to him in jail so he "won't be isolated" and "will have support when he gets out". if his family were supporting him, then my mom thinks she would feel ok not contacting him anymore. it make me want to shake her!! i spoke my piece about it, because i just couldn't keep my mouth shut. but i kept reasonably cool about it -- just supporting my sister, telling my mom she cannot continue feeling responsible for him, especially when my sister is telling my mom that she needs no contact for her own recovery.
out of the whole visit, this was only about 15 or 20 minutes of conflict, so all in all that didn't seem too bad. my mom has always been the kind of person who simply cannot say no, who helps anyone who asks, and who becomes deeply connected to people. she also is in total denial about the extent to which my sister and her ex negatively impacted one another. my mom has not been willing to address any of her codie issues ever, so i don't expect she will start now. i know i just need to be content that my sister (and i) said what we could to encourage her and we have no control over what my mom does from here . . . but it just drives me crazy!!!
as usual, thanks for the support and for reading my ramblings!
she stayed at my moms a couple nights (which is where she lived/relapsed last time) and it did make me nervous, but i just kept reminding myself i have no control over her recovery. i just need to continue reminding myself to appreciate the days i have with her clean and in recovery, and not worry about what is to come. i did my best with that this time around, i feel like i did pretty well!there was only one really sore spot of the visit. my sister's AXBF is in jail (went to jail before my sis got clean) and my mom keeps in contact with him. my sister went no contact with him very early in her recovery, and has asked my mom to do the same. ever the codie/enabler my mom has continued to take calls from him and send him cards in jail because she "feels bad for him". we had a very heated family conversation about it last night, in which my mom continued to defend staying in touch with him despite my sister again explaining that "everyone" (she, her sponser, therapist, NA support, etc) all agree that for my sister's recovery it would be best for my mom to go no contact with him too, b/c if not when he is released it will increase the likelihood that he will seek out my mom any my sister again for support (my mom enabled him along with my sister for years, even after sister's previous bf died of an OD in my mom's house). even with my sister living in another state and having no contact with him, i would not be even a little surprised if he asked my mom if he could move in with her after release!
i have stayed out of most issues regarding my mom enabling my sister for a long time, but this got me wrapped into it all over again
it is so much harder to stay out of it when my sister is asking (begging really!) my mom to do this and my mom is still saying no because of her own issues. she kept saying that she wants my sister to get in touch with her ex's sister/other family and ask them to start writing to him in jail so he "won't be isolated" and "will have support when he gets out". if his family were supporting him, then my mom thinks she would feel ok not contacting him anymore. it make me want to shake her!! i spoke my piece about it, because i just couldn't keep my mouth shut. but i kept reasonably cool about it -- just supporting my sister, telling my mom she cannot continue feeling responsible for him, especially when my sister is telling my mom that she needs no contact for her own recovery. out of the whole visit, this was only about 15 or 20 minutes of conflict, so all in all that didn't seem too bad. my mom has always been the kind of person who simply cannot say no, who helps anyone who asks, and who becomes deeply connected to people. she also is in total denial about the extent to which my sister and her ex negatively impacted one another. my mom has not been willing to address any of her codie issues ever, so i don't expect she will start now. i know i just need to be content that my sister (and i) said what we could to encourage her and we have no control over what my mom does from here . . . but it just drives me crazy!!!
as usual, thanks for the support and for reading my ramblings!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
I have a codie Mom too....but she has been great support to me. I just adore her. She can't set boundaries in her own life but she is always there for me. Glad your visit went well. Obsession is something I'm trying to overcome myself. Here's what I did today. Everytime I obsessed...I gently reminded myself that I was thinking about my addict and I immediately became aware of what I was doing in the present...like hey...I'm driving my car down Buffalo Rd. and looking at someone's sparkly Christmas lights...and wow...I never noticed that enormously beautiful pine tree on the corner. I am trying to turn negative thoughts into positive ones by just re-thinking from a different angle. It is work...but it's worth it because I feel more joy today!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Just like a heroin addict on Methadone/subs is prone to changing their doc, we codies easily shift from trying to control the choices/behaviors of one person to another. You and your sister can't change mom. You can develop and enforce boundaries and refuse to listen to any talk about the sis' ex.
Nip it in the bud. Zero tolerance. Leave the room. Hang up the phone. Whatever it takes.
Nip it in the bud. Zero tolerance. Leave the room. Hang up the phone. Whatever it takes.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I hope and pray your sister finds a way to say something like this:
"Mom, your contact with X is compromising my sobriety and serenity. If you won't stop, I can't hear/know about it, and will protect my sobriety and serenity at all costs."
One of the first things my RAD learned to do at rehab was to identify and say "this is compromising my sobriety and serenity," then remove herself from whatever situation. She said she felt like Willy Wonka's Charlie, when he found the Golden Ticket.
"Mom, your contact with X is compromising my sobriety and serenity. If you won't stop, I can't hear/know about it, and will protect my sobriety and serenity at all costs."
One of the first things my RAD learned to do at rehab was to identify and say "this is compromising my sobriety and serenity," then remove herself from whatever situation. She said she felt like Willy Wonka's Charlie, when he found the Golden Ticket.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
outtolunch, thanks for that analogy, because it absolutely makes sense. and i am going to have to go zero tolerance when she mentions it - you are right. and chino, those words are perfect. it is very much what my sister has been *trying* to say to my mom (not as concisely!) and that my mom is having such a hard time hearing . . . ugh, so frustrating. thanks for the thoughts and for listening to me vent. everyone i know (friends and other family) thinks my mom is the nicest person ever (because she is! she is truly a wonderful person) but it makes it hard for them to understand why this is such a problem. they just say things like, "oh, but it is just because your mom is so nice, of course she is doing that, it is so nice" etc etc. it is comforting to have people here who understand that, though my mom is truly a wonderful, caring, loving person, some of these behaviors, when it comes to my sister's addiction/recovery, are problem. most people seem to think i am crazy that i am trying to discourage my mom from being "nice".
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