humnbird

Hi Everyone,

I've got over 7 years sober, and have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. When we were together for 3 months he relapsed, which ended in a long year of getting back together and breaking up, small periods of sobriety, but lots and lots of lies. I frequented alanon and reached out to women there.. it helped a little. We split for a short time, and finally he got sober, got a year, I mean it really was a miracle...

I stay out of his steps and his program, I don't want him in mine so I don't infringe on his. Although he had been in and out for years this was his first time ACTUALLY working the steps... He isn't quite a pillar, but has made lots of steps forward. Then it happened... the time and place came where it was just him and that bottle, he had no conscious contact (in my opinion). Which happened to be painkillers, and he took them. He came to me with the truth 2 days later, and then fessed up to his sponsor, friend, work, etc.

I didn't react at first, I was relieved at his honestly and desire to get back on the wagon. So far his behavior has been consistent, 2 meetings a day, mostly mens stags. But I can't get rid of my beast, the fear and disappointment. I used to be able to see our future together, now I can't see anything. I love him so deeply, words can't express how special he is to me and committed I am to him. But I can't get over this... I'm ashamed to be with a chronic relapser, and I don't want this to be the rest of my life with him. We live together, which I feel is a major problem. I want his recovery to be away from me, yet I'm slapped in the face with it constantly. What he is or isnt doing. Then there's the question of whether he's really sober... I have a 0 tolerance policy for using. Use, get out, unless you get sober again.

What I'm lacking is EXPERIENCE strength and hope. I feel like NO ONE I know has gone through this and Once again i'm being judged for not leaving him...

Thank you for reading

cc88

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I try not to judge anyone, and I think 98% of the people here won't judge the person looking for help and support. what they do judge are facts as someone presents them. I don't think anyone on here will read your post and be like "wow what a horrible person" or "how could she be so stupid". The judgement they DO make is "Is this a girl in a really hard situation that I wouldn't want to be in? yes." or "according to what we know about addiction and what we see happen 99.9% of the time, is this girl chained to a beast with the key to the lock while consciously deciding every day not to unlock herself? yes" no one can decide for you, and i'm sure the people who read this are nothing if not sympathetic. But if emotion and feelings by you and for you could change the nature of the disease none of us would be here at all.

This question is posed honestly with no sarcasm, attitude, or anything negative, I swear;

even if he's relapsed more than once, do you think you and your boyfriend are that .01% of people where serious relationships during recovery will work and you'l both stay sober?

Again. Sorry to read your story, I hope you both find the help you need. What do the people in your naranon / alanon meetings have to say about it?

* whatever %s i threw out there are just making a point. Im not claiming to know any real statistics.

humnbird

Thank you! No offense taken at all, the chances regardless of your percentages are slim.... I just never hear about it or see it... I see rehab romances gone wrong, but few long term relationship or marriages in this situation.

I haven't been to alanon since it happened (last week). The last time this happened I compeltely stopped my AA program and dove into alanon, only to find myself wanting to drink after 6 months! My AA also lacked due to judgment at meetings...

Going to balance AA and alanon this time...

hello-kitty

Are you willing to put up with chronic relapses the rest of your life? Because that's what you are doing now...

humnbird

No... The rational reason I haven't kicked him to the curb is because he had a slip any of us could have, came clean, and is doing everything he can to stay on track...

I mean does that year+ mean nothing?

But I am losing hope a little..

Impurrfect

(((hmnbird))) - double winner here. I truly loved my last XABF (had 3 - seriously sick codie) but it finally hit me one day. Even if he had 3 years clean, I would still worry that he was going to relapse...that I'd come home and everything I owned would be gone (our DOC was crack, and that's what happened with XABF#2).

In my situation, he never worked recovery...TALKED about it, but didn't DO anything about it. I know that sounds odd, as I wouldn't want anyone thinking the same about ME, because I was an addict...I work my recovery every day, to the point it's just how I live my life.

Through my recovery, trust has become very important. I want someone to compliment my life, not someone I have to worry about "the other shoe dropping". I'm not saying I'd never trust another RA, there are a LOT whom I trust. However, if I can't trust someone? No matter how much I love them, it's not gonna work (MY feelings only).

It would be the same if addiction wasn't involved...no trust, no relationship. I lived, for more than 25 years, waiting for the other shoe to drop, "trusting a man to give me reason to not trust him" and that's just not a good place to be.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

humnbird

Thank you!!

Yeah, I had finally gotten to the place where if he was acting weird I wouldn't even assume he relapsed. Back to square one kinda. The "other shoe dropping" is so in my head now. Amy, I don't want to be that person who wishes she had listened here before the marriage and the kids... But I don't really regret anything bc those experiences make us who we are. So what the ultimate solution? Go date a normie? Tried that when had 1 year, then 3 and 5...

Impurrfect

(((humnbird))) - can't really tell you - I don't feel confident in MYSELF enough to make a good judgement. It's like if there was a room full of 100 "good men" and one "bad guy", I'd pick the bad guy. I've heard it called "bad-guy syndrome" I'm taking my time, working on me and what I want from life before including some man into it, but that's just me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

humnbird

Its pretty strained... It makes me crazy living with a newcomer. I listen for him in meetings instead of myself when his sobriety is in crisis. I'm on my amends (again) and of course I let this derail me.

I suppose these are alanon issues instead. Heading to a nar anon meeting tonight finally.

hello-kitty

So how many relapses is your limit then? Whatvare you personal boundaries surroundingbthe ammount of drug use you are willing to accept in a relationship? You get to choose. No one can decide that for you.

lesliej

I am writing this while I have my relapsing crack addict boyfriend of 2 years packing his things. I am sober almost six years and the cunning baffling addiction and codependency has many layers of denial to be worked through. Reading these posts helps me to hold onto my resolve. My sadness and lost dreams of possible partnership make me weak. I need to let go and move on. I agree that the only future I can now see is a long view of waiting for the shoe to drop. He has been attempting recovery for 20 years. I pretty much think he uses all the good people and resources in the phat minneapolis recovery community to manage his disease! My new bottom is now my freedom. Over the last two years he has relapsed over seven times. It has been a HUGE amount of double winner work for me and I am now ready to break free. What a beautiful man shadowed by the beast...but I have watched him NOT do what it takes and therefor invite the beast in. Most def more attached to the beast than to me. Can't cure it with my beautiful heart and soul. Peace.

hello-kitty

Oh leslie... Welcome to the site. And you too humnbird. I'm afraid I may not have welcomed you properly.

Your stories sounds similar to mine. I got clean. My crack addict boyfriend didn't. I tried and tried to make things work out for the sake of our son, but there is no "working things out" with a crackhead. He wanted to smoke crack more than he wanted to stay clean. It's that simple. His actions spoke volumes. His mouth spoke lies.

My son hasn't seen his dad in two years, and that's a good thing. Time heals.

lesliej

denial is so intense! i keep having to shake it off. his sweetness, his poetry...whoops, see? his using, his lies. I think there is a splittedness which makes it difficult. he's kind of jekyll and hyde (hide!) plus I have never see him use or high...he just intermittently disappears. Another level of denial is kind of embarrassing to admit...prideful I guess. but we're both "educated" and I feel like we connect on all these levels that are crazy making because it is exactly how I would dream a relationship to be...when he stays clean. Even the other night we sat and drank tea and played a game of chess for the first time, and even there our skill level was a dead match. we write poetry together! crazy. I guess I think somehow because I've got a good grounding in recovery, good friendships and family relations, a nice house, a good directions in building my own career, "a masters degree"...that this shouldn't be happening to me. thats ego I guess...addiction happens everywhere. it makes me angry that his mr hyde side lies to me, uses, manipulates. so now it has come to this. because I can't live with the side that lies and uses, and because his living here isn't good for him either (too comfortable/enabling/lifestyle denial) I now have to lose the man I love.

Impurrfect

(((leslie))) - I'm not nearly as educated as you (I wish!) but I understand. I was an RN, I thought I was smart enough to not get addicted (wrong), to not fall in love with someone who was in love with another substance (wrong). I beat myself up, pretty good, for "how could I have been so STUPID?!?!" but that serves no purpose.

We are simply human. We may make bad decisions, we may give our hearts to someone incapable of appreciating it. However, we learn and we move forward. It's not easy, sometimes it hurts like he!!, but it does get better.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

steve1840

humnbird-

i relate to the stuff about waiting for the other shoe to drop. its like i know if i end up with my alo, that i will always be waiting for that, unless she did some serious long therapy. and i know that i would have a hard time with trust. yet, i am still pulled to her for all these reasons that dont really exist right now.

and i know what you mean about a normie. i had the same experience. when i split from my gf a few years ago, i dated a woman i'd say was a normie. it wasnt just that i was still addicted to the drama from being in a chaotic relationship, but i think there was a certain level of experiences and personalities due to experiences that just didnt sync up. i kept thinking i needed a girl with an edge, or who had a dark side, or who had certain understandings through experiences, but it doesnt have to be so black and white. doesnt have to be normie or recovered. i realize that when i am putting qualifiers on like i want this or that or cant be with this or that, that that may be a sign i am not ready for anything.

steve1840

leslie-
the jekyll and hyde thing sucks as does the denial that keeps us stuck in those dreams. i feel connected on many level with my alo that i dont find in have with others. some of it may be superficial, but we used to love driving through the country getting lost, listening to old hillbilly and bluegrass music. at nights we'd listen to other stuff and talk, there was justa real nice connection on cultural stuff, spiritual stuff, humor, lots of stuff. but hyde has taken all that away. good luck moving ahead and i also hope this helps him too.

humnbird

Thank you for sharing your courageous story. There is definitely "no working things out" with someone actively using...

Update: I asked him to leave the house i was staying at go back to our apartment... I just couldn't stand the anxiety. His best friend called me today with his issues, to which I had almost nothing to say. Living with active addiction is not a option for me again, due to the horror i've under gone. Now we play the guessing game.. Is he sober or isnt he? I was a sneaky addict once but but I can't see it the way I used to...