Not my addict ...
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Not my addict ...
hello everyone. i have been away for a good while and have missed talking to everyone. now i finally have a computer of my own and can post on a more regular basis.
i wanted to give a short update first. 3 weeks ago i had our baby girl. she is healthy and beautiful. i did inform my AH what day i was having her and allowed him to come to the hospital. he did come and ended staying w/ me in the hospital for the rest of the time (2 days). this was also his first time seeing the other 2 kids since March 2011. needless to say, it was very emotional for everyone.
after getting out of the hospital i decided to stay the first week at our home (where he lives now) b/c since he is not working at least he could be helpful in that way is what i was thinking. everything was wonderful as long as no issues were discussed or brought up.
our visit lasted 4 days. i don't know what i was thinking (must be all the meds they gave me in the hospital). from what i saw, there seemed to be no change in anything, things only seemed to have gotten worse. he is still associating with same people and more than likely doing the same things. and here i was thinking that maybe, only maybe we maybe can work on some things.
as soon as we started discussing the issues, his true "addict" behavior showed up. unfortunately, my 4 yr old witnessed some of it and it was absolutely horrible. i realized that not only does he not care about me, but he also has no love or respect for our children. instead of consoling the 4 yr old girl who adores him, he used her for his argument, asking her who does she want to be with and telling her how i'm not right in the head, etc. while she was crying in his arms. i am so upset with myself for allowing that to happen. i ended up calling the police in order to be able to leave w/ kids without any more escalation of the argument.
so much for my hoping. and the whole time deep down and against my better judgment, i was thinking NOT MY ADDICT, he can't be that bad, he is still a good guy, he still cares. what was i thinking?!!
so much for my update. sorry it is so long. just wanted to let you all know and to vent a little bit.
love you all guys. hugs and prayers.
i wanted to give a short update first. 3 weeks ago i had our baby girl. she is healthy and beautiful. i did inform my AH what day i was having her and allowed him to come to the hospital. he did come and ended staying w/ me in the hospital for the rest of the time (2 days). this was also his first time seeing the other 2 kids since March 2011. needless to say, it was very emotional for everyone.
after getting out of the hospital i decided to stay the first week at our home (where he lives now) b/c since he is not working at least he could be helpful in that way is what i was thinking. everything was wonderful as long as no issues were discussed or brought up.
our visit lasted 4 days. i don't know what i was thinking (must be all the meds they gave me in the hospital). from what i saw, there seemed to be no change in anything, things only seemed to have gotten worse. he is still associating with same people and more than likely doing the same things. and here i was thinking that maybe, only maybe we maybe can work on some things.
as soon as we started discussing the issues, his true "addict" behavior showed up. unfortunately, my 4 yr old witnessed some of it and it was absolutely horrible. i realized that not only does he not care about me, but he also has no love or respect for our children. instead of consoling the 4 yr old girl who adores him, he used her for his argument, asking her who does she want to be with and telling her how i'm not right in the head, etc. while she was crying in his arms. i am so upset with myself for allowing that to happen. i ended up calling the police in order to be able to leave w/ kids without any more escalation of the argument.
so much for my hoping. and the whole time deep down and against my better judgment, i was thinking NOT MY ADDICT, he can't be that bad, he is still a good guy, he still cares. what was i thinking?!!
so much for my update. sorry it is so long. just wanted to let you all know and to vent a little bit.
love you all guys. hugs and prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
First, congratulations on the precious new baby. It is sad that you are not feeling the joy associated with bringing a new child into the world but addiction robs us of even that.
As sad as this experience has been for you..and your daughter, perhaps it will bring the closure you may need to move on to new beginnings. Many people I know who separated have gone back briefly only to remember why they left in the first place, and most of these people aren't even dealing with addiction. It's sad when we change and they don't.
Wishing you and your children beautiful days ahead, new beginnings of dreams come true and peaceful days with no tears for anyone.
Hugs
As sad as this experience has been for you..and your daughter, perhaps it will bring the closure you may need to move on to new beginnings. Many people I know who separated have gone back briefly only to remember why they left in the first place, and most of these people aren't even dealing with addiction. It's sad when we change and they don't.
Wishing you and your children beautiful days ahead, new beginnings of dreams come true and peaceful days with no tears for anyone.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((PS))) - congratulations on your beautiful and healthy baby girl! I'm sorry your AH continues to spiral down in his addiction, that he showed his a$$ and used your other daughter in an argument.
However, I'm praying that those feelings of "not MY addict" are finally put to rest, and you can move on with your life, taking care of YOU and the kids. When I GOT that yep, he's doing what addicts do, has no concern for me or anyone else, it hurt, but it was also freeing. All my illusions of "our life" went out the window. He was gonna do what he wanted, and I needed to do what I needed and wanted...without him.
Give the kids an extra smooch and hug from me..just tell them it's from someone who loves them from a distance
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
However, I'm praying that those feelings of "not MY addict" are finally put to rest, and you can move on with your life, taking care of YOU and the kids. When I GOT that yep, he's doing what addicts do, has no concern for me or anyone else, it hurt, but it was also freeing. All my illusions of "our life" went out the window. He was gonna do what he wanted, and I needed to do what I needed and wanted...without him.
Give the kids an extra smooch and hug from me..just tell them it's from someone who loves them from a distance
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
We codependents and addicts have much in common. We tend to play the
"it's not so bad game" and in doing so, sustain denial.
Addiction prevents him from caring about himself or anyone else. It's not personal. Just feels that way. Addiction demands he protect and sustain it at all costs. That's the nature of the beast.
Children have a tendency to believe they are the center of the universe and the source of all good and bad stuff. It's very common for children to feel they are the root cause of family problems which can set them up for serious problems down the road.
That you are protecting your children is evidence that you are a responsible parent.
"it's not so bad game" and in doing so, sustain denial.
Addiction prevents him from caring about himself or anyone else. It's not personal. Just feels that way. Addiction demands he protect and sustain it at all costs. That's the nature of the beast.
Children have a tendency to believe they are the center of the universe and the source of all good and bad stuff. It's very common for children to feel they are the root cause of family problems which can set them up for serious problems down the road.
That you are protecting your children is evidence that you are a responsible parent.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Posts: 339
Ann and Impurrfect,
thank you guys for your kind support and words of encouragement. i am also hoping that this will be enough of a wake up call for me to let go, at least a little bit more.
it is all still so fresh. you are right, i did find things that made me leave in the first place. now he claims to have done a drug test and will mail me results to my parents' house b/c he does not have my address. but at this point (after 8 months of waiting for him to take a drug test on top on over a year before that), i honestly can't even say that i care. he can take it if he wants to, but for me it is almost irrelevant, and that is if he is actually saying the truth, which is highly doubtful. he also had the nerve to tell the child support worker that we are working on reconciliation, knowing what had happened only a week ago.
as of right now, i can't even tell what behaviors come from drug use and what comes from his true personality and it is not that important any more anyways. i'm just hoping that this experience sticks long enough for me to move forward some more and think about him even less.
i really appreciate your guys support. it means a lot to just come here and regain that strength needed to deal with all this mess. i am so grateful that i have found SR to help me out.
thank you all so much. hugs and prayers.
thank you guys for your kind support and words of encouragement. i am also hoping that this will be enough of a wake up call for me to let go, at least a little bit more.
it is all still so fresh. you are right, i did find things that made me leave in the first place. now he claims to have done a drug test and will mail me results to my parents' house b/c he does not have my address. but at this point (after 8 months of waiting for him to take a drug test on top on over a year before that), i honestly can't even say that i care. he can take it if he wants to, but for me it is almost irrelevant, and that is if he is actually saying the truth, which is highly doubtful. he also had the nerve to tell the child support worker that we are working on reconciliation, knowing what had happened only a week ago.
as of right now, i can't even tell what behaviors come from drug use and what comes from his true personality and it is not that important any more anyways. i'm just hoping that this experience sticks long enough for me to move forward some more and think about him even less.
i really appreciate your guys support. it means a lot to just come here and regain that strength needed to deal with all this mess. i am so grateful that i have found SR to help me out.
thank you all so much. hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If by chance the results of said drug test show in the mail, please toss them out with the garbage. Any addict worth his salt can fake a test and not all tests check for all substances. That he may have been clean for 12 hours does not mean he was not loaded in the 13th hour.
Alcohol/substance abuse are symptoms. Take the booze and drugs away and very often what's left is the same jerk that used to be loaded.
Celebrate the birth of your baby with a commitment to keep her safe from the chaos of addiction.
Alcohol/substance abuse are symptoms. Take the booze and drugs away and very often what's left is the same jerk that used to be loaded.
Celebrate the birth of your baby with a commitment to keep her safe from the chaos of addiction.
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outtolunch,
thank you for the encouragement. you are so right about the drug test. also i did tell him while i was still at the house that i'm not interested in a 3 day urine test. what i am or was looking for was a hair folicle test (3 months) that would prove his sincere attempts at getting clean. of course this was before this last incident.
i am not holding my breath for this test any more anyways. i had more peace of mind while i was away struggling with my own emotions than for one moment that i was back at our house.
thank you for keeping up with me and for your constant support. hugs and prayers to you.
thank you for the encouragement. you are so right about the drug test. also i did tell him while i was still at the house that i'm not interested in a 3 day urine test. what i am or was looking for was a hair folicle test (3 months) that would prove his sincere attempts at getting clean. of course this was before this last incident.
i am not holding my breath for this test any more anyways. i had more peace of mind while i was away struggling with my own emotions than for one moment that i was back at our house.
thank you for keeping up with me and for your constant support. hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby!
I am so sorry for what you went through. Even though you gave it a shot, thankfully you have your head on straight and got out of there at the first big blow up. He sounds so much like my husband. The saddest thing is that even the lure and pull of their kids is not enough to just say, I've had enough and I need help. Instead you get a promise of a drug test. Ugh...
Hang in there and keep working on yourself. Enjoy your precious children. Take care.
I am so sorry for what you went through. Even though you gave it a shot, thankfully you have your head on straight and got out of there at the first big blow up. He sounds so much like my husband. The saddest thing is that even the lure and pull of their kids is not enough to just say, I've had enough and I need help. Instead you get a promise of a drug test. Ugh...
Hang in there and keep working on yourself. Enjoy your precious children. Take care.
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newnormal4me,
thank you for your reply. it is sad for everyone that the addiction is so powerful that it robs us and him of our time together. the positive is that i do know where i stand and have yet another re-affirmation that he has not hit his bottom yet.
either way, life goes on. thanks again for your support. hugs and prayers to your family.
thank you for your reply. it is sad for everyone that the addiction is so powerful that it robs us and him of our time together. the positive is that i do know where i stand and have yet another re-affirmation that he has not hit his bottom yet.
either way, life goes on. thanks again for your support. hugs and prayers to your family.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
i had more peace of mind while i was away struggling with my own emotions than for one moment that i was back at our house.
Healthy people don't need hair follicles for testing, and one day soon neither will you.
Big hugs for being so brave.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Yeah - a beautiful healthy baby! Congratulations to YOU!!
and Congratulations to you for taking the steps to protect you, this precious baby and your other children - It is a tough and painful path to walk - but you and those wonderful children are worth it ~ each of you deserve the respect, love and dignity you are allow yourselves to have!
What a beautiful gift you have given each of you!
Keep taking such great care of yourself and those wonderful gifts!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
and Congratulations to you for taking the steps to protect you, this precious baby and your other children - It is a tough and painful path to walk - but you and those wonderful children are worth it ~ each of you deserve the respect, love and dignity you are allow yourselves to have!
What a beautiful gift you have given each of you!
Keep taking such great care of yourself and those wonderful gifts!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Congratulations on your new baby. I am sorry that in this joyous event, you have to deal with such pain too. My kids father is also an addict (we split 4 months ago). He never calls to talk to the kids or see the kids. The pain that I have been through is no match to the pain of watching my children hurt and suffer because of their father's actions. I am just glad their is a place like soberrecovery to come and be supported and guided by people who have walked in our shoes. Prayers and hugs for you and your children.
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ann,
thank you for the reminder. i felt depressed as soon as i walked back in the house. it was so weird. i didn't feel like doing anything. i had no plan and no purpose. all i could think about was the fact that i thought that he was still no drugs even though he said he wasn't. and then after a few days of being there, i started searching through the house for the evidence of his using. i found some burnt spots on the plastic around the computer chair or something minor like that, but the fact was that i was back at the madness of his world and in such a short period of time. either way, i was and still am convinced that he is using. i am glad to be back at my own apartment with my kids where i can relax and focus on our lives getting better.
thank you for all your support. hugs and prayers to you.
thank you for the reminder. i felt depressed as soon as i walked back in the house. it was so weird. i didn't feel like doing anything. i had no plan and no purpose. all i could think about was the fact that i thought that he was still no drugs even though he said he wasn't. and then after a few days of being there, i started searching through the house for the evidence of his using. i found some burnt spots on the plastic around the computer chair or something minor like that, but the fact was that i was back at the madness of his world and in such a short period of time. either way, i was and still am convinced that he is using. i am glad to be back at my own apartment with my kids where i can relax and focus on our lives getting better.
thank you for all your support. hugs and prayers to you.
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MsPINKAcres,
thank you for the support and encouragement. thank you for understanding how difficult it is either way, to leave or to stay. the last incident with my AH and my daughter is a big deterrent in me even considering working things out w/ him. does he really not realize how his behavior affects those around him? i wonder sometimes. i know that he has to protect his addiction, but i wonder if he is really even remotely aware that his behavior was completely unacceptable?
on my part, i don't ever want my kids or myself exposed to such treatment. you are right. we do deserve better and i will do my part to ensure it.
i have given "Codependent No More" another chance and am reading it again. i think that i was not quite ready for it the first time around. now i have a better understanding of what Beattie's message is. Can't you tell? lol
hugs and prayers and thanks again.
thank you for the support and encouragement. thank you for understanding how difficult it is either way, to leave or to stay. the last incident with my AH and my daughter is a big deterrent in me even considering working things out w/ him. does he really not realize how his behavior affects those around him? i wonder sometimes. i know that he has to protect his addiction, but i wonder if he is really even remotely aware that his behavior was completely unacceptable?
on my part, i don't ever want my kids or myself exposed to such treatment. you are right. we do deserve better and i will do my part to ensure it.
i have given "Codependent No More" another chance and am reading it again. i think that i was not quite ready for it the first time around. now i have a better understanding of what Beattie's message is. Can't you tell? lol
hugs and prayers and thanks again.
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hopeful0323,
thank you for responding to my thread and for your encouragement. my husband used to call all the time and request that he talks to the kids and i wouldn't put them on the phone for him. in a way i wish that he didn't even bother. a couple of times when he did talk to them, it seemed to only bring up the pain and missing him in my 4 yr old girl even more. how old are your children? mine are 4, almost 2, and a newborn. the most issues are w/ the 4 yr old b/c she adores him and has had the most time to spend w/ him. she actually knows and misses him. my boy was only 16 months when we left. he doesn't call as much any more and i am grateful for that (i had'n been answering his calls anyways).
you are right. it is hard to see our kids not happy. it hurts me to see my girl cry sometimes b/c she "misses her daddy". however, then i try and remind myself that despite her pain now, the long term consequences of staying would have been so much more devastating. thinking of it that way helps take off the edge of the pain and makes it easier for me deal with it.
once again, thank you for your kind words. my hugs and prayers go out to you and your family. stay strong.
thank you for responding to my thread and for your encouragement. my husband used to call all the time and request that he talks to the kids and i wouldn't put them on the phone for him. in a way i wish that he didn't even bother. a couple of times when he did talk to them, it seemed to only bring up the pain and missing him in my 4 yr old girl even more. how old are your children? mine are 4, almost 2, and a newborn. the most issues are w/ the 4 yr old b/c she adores him and has had the most time to spend w/ him. she actually knows and misses him. my boy was only 16 months when we left. he doesn't call as much any more and i am grateful for that (i had'n been answering his calls anyways).
you are right. it is hard to see our kids not happy. it hurts me to see my girl cry sometimes b/c she "misses her daddy". however, then i try and remind myself that despite her pain now, the long term consequences of staying would have been so much more devastating. thinking of it that way helps take off the edge of the pain and makes it easier for me deal with it.
once again, thank you for your kind words. my hugs and prayers go out to you and your family. stay strong.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Pacifiicsunrise,
My oldest daughter is 6, the younger is 19 months. My 6 year old is extremely affected by this situation. On the rare chance he does come to see her, she cries after he leaves. She asks here and there when she is going to see him again and I have to tell her I don't know, because that's the truth. Her behavior is getting better but we went through a real rough patch of her acting out. As for the baby, even as young as she is, I think she feels abandoned also. When she sees her dad, she cries for awhile when he has to leave. She is getting be very attached to me. If I leave the room she cries. It breaks my heart to think that she may be thinking: "Daddy left, so is mommy going to leave too?". I am in a good place right now, without the chaos that my ex creates. But it breaks my heart when my kids are hurting. I know I have made the right decision for all of us by not staying with him, and I pray to my HP every day to take some of my girls' pain.
My oldest daughter is 6, the younger is 19 months. My 6 year old is extremely affected by this situation. On the rare chance he does come to see her, she cries after he leaves. She asks here and there when she is going to see him again and I have to tell her I don't know, because that's the truth. Her behavior is getting better but we went through a real rough patch of her acting out. As for the baby, even as young as she is, I think she feels abandoned also. When she sees her dad, she cries for awhile when he has to leave. She is getting be very attached to me. If I leave the room she cries. It breaks my heart to think that she may be thinking: "Daddy left, so is mommy going to leave too?". I am in a good place right now, without the chaos that my ex creates. But it breaks my heart when my kids are hurting. I know I have made the right decision for all of us by not staying with him, and I pray to my HP every day to take some of my girls' pain.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Praying for all single parents and their children who are in the tornado of addiction. I also am praying for the addicts. Dear God, please help our world...please keep us strong and give us the courage to be there for our children. Please lighten our hearts with the act of forgiveness...even if we can't do it right now...we know it can be done. Please help us take care of these children today...please let us be present to their needs and not the tug of the addict. Thank you God for taking the burden that we begrudgingly hand over to you...as we know this will bring us peace. For we can not do it alone.
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hopeful0323,
so sad to hear about your girls. good job on taking such good care of them, you know that you are doing what is best for them to shield them from the addiction. it is so hard though. my 4 yr old is also having a hard time with listening and attention (the coming of the baby only made it worse b/c now i even have less time for her). i am not sure if i just need more patience with her and i am trying, but it is tough b/c she is the oldest and often gets the least attention. she brings up her dad on a daily basis several times and most of the time i try to not make a big deal out of it.
we have been gone from our house since March and only went back for 4 days after the baby was born (3 wks ago). that was the only time in 7 months that the kids have spent w/ him. his efforts of seeing the children consist of asking me to see them, but not doing anything legally and i have requested through my lawyer that he needs to pass a drug test first. well he never bothered to see my lawyer or to take the drug test and that was it.
i no longer accept the responsibility for me having to make arrangements w/ him about the kids. he just needs to go through my lawyer which by now is probably not going to happen any time soon. at least it is up to him to make an effort to spend time w/ them.
i appreciate you taking the time to respond. hugs and prayers to you and your little ones. take care.
so sad to hear about your girls. good job on taking such good care of them, you know that you are doing what is best for them to shield them from the addiction. it is so hard though. my 4 yr old is also having a hard time with listening and attention (the coming of the baby only made it worse b/c now i even have less time for her). i am not sure if i just need more patience with her and i am trying, but it is tough b/c she is the oldest and often gets the least attention. she brings up her dad on a daily basis several times and most of the time i try to not make a big deal out of it.
we have been gone from our house since March and only went back for 4 days after the baby was born (3 wks ago). that was the only time in 7 months that the kids have spent w/ him. his efforts of seeing the children consist of asking me to see them, but not doing anything legally and i have requested through my lawyer that he needs to pass a drug test first. well he never bothered to see my lawyer or to take the drug test and that was it.
i no longer accept the responsibility for me having to make arrangements w/ him about the kids. he just needs to go through my lawyer which by now is probably not going to happen any time soon. at least it is up to him to make an effort to spend time w/ them.
i appreciate you taking the time to respond. hugs and prayers to you and your little ones. take care.
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Windblown,
thank you so much for your prayer. it was very needed as always. so sad for everyone involved, even the addicts, what we all have to go through b/c of the disease of addiction.
hugs and prayers to you and all that have to struggle w/ this evil. stay strong.
thank you so much for your prayer. it was very needed as always. so sad for everyone involved, even the addicts, what we all have to go through b/c of the disease of addiction.
hugs and prayers to you and all that have to struggle w/ this evil. stay strong.
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