BeingStill

There are many posts about trusting your gut. If your gut says your ALO is using, he or she probably is. That kind of thing. But sometimes that feeling is paranoia and fear. I confronted my RAS the other week because his eyes didn't look "quite right" and he seemed "too happy" and I got scared that he relapsed. I told him I thought he had used. He was upset at first, but then told me I had every right to be suspicious of him for a good long time. He told me he hadn't and wanted to prove it because he knew I couldn't trust him. He immediately called his rehab center (because he knew they were open and would see him) and asked for a blood test. I drove him there within the hour.

His results came back clean for everything. At first I got scared that my "gut" couldn't be trusted. That I was wrong and had broken relapse radar. I read all these posts about listening to your gut and I felt kind of betrayed in some way.

But then I realized that I still need time to heal before my radar will work properly. I've been emotionally beaten up by addiction for quite a long time. When all I saw for years was an altered son, it's going to take some time for
me to NOT see him that way. To NOT be staring at his pupils for the tiniest hint. To NOT question his happiness when all I remember is him living in chaos and depression.

The important thing is that I was able to have a calm discussion with my son about my concerns without being judgmental or angry. And I was willing to hear him instead of insisting on being right. Recovery takes time. I have scars. And it's understandable that my inclination right now is to be a little paranoid.

In the past I would have buried my gut feelings. This time I didn't. But even though I was wrong, confronting an issue is miles ahead of ignoring it.