pacificsunrise

it comes a point in time when we all have to realize that for our addicts we no longer matter. for me, it took a while, but after reading a lot about addiction and trying to educate myself about it more, i realized that neither me nor our kids really matter or make a difference for my AH.

it was a sad realization, but also a liberating one. it kind of freed me from feeling responsible for trying to fix things. it made me feel better about leaving 6 months ago, because i realized that my staying wouldn't have made anything better and in the long run it would have just made it worse for me and the kids.

i'm not sure if anyone else feels the same, but even though i haven't given up hope, i try not to get too wrapped up in my husbands decisions about his life. it takes some practice, and some setbacks, but i do see some progress.

just though i would share my realization for today. hope everyone is having a good sunday and appreciate all your input.

hugs and prayers.

Impurrfect

(((PS))) - I'm glad to hear that you've come so far. Sad? Yes. Liberating - absolutely. When we stop worrying so much about them, spending so much energy on "are they EVER gonna get it" and start focusing on us, it's pretty cool.

Giving someone else the dignity to live their life as they choose is a gift. I know it may not FEEL that way, but it truly is. It also gives YOU more time to live your life as you want it.

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy

TMZ

Thanks for sharing with us.
Keep the faith and hope, is all we can do for now.


Be well,

pacificsunrise

Impurrfect,

i was so glad to see your post. it has been awhile since i have been posting on a regular basis and i miss it and all the input. i still don't have a computer at home, so sorry for not being consistent w/ my responses.

thank you so much for the encouragement and keeping up w/ me. your posts always make me feel better.

hugs and prayers to you.

pacificsunrise

TMZ,

thank you for your kind words. and yes, you are right, we can only do so much and the sooner we realize it, the better.

hugs and prayers.

Farfalla

Pacificsunrise,
I wish I was at the place you are right now. I am having a very difficult time detaching. He is very manipulative and always deflects. Hugs and prayers you say on your path.

outtolunch

Addiction is progressive and eventually precludes caring about anything/anyone else. In other words, it's not personal. Just feels that way.

artist83

I'm not sure that I don't matter to my ABF, but I am sure that I'm not what matters most in his life right now. It took me a long time to come to this realization, but after I finally admitted to myself that I was fighting a battle that I couldn't win, I began to get myself back. I'm no longer lost in his addiction. Does that make sense?

I'm okay, most days, but sometimes the reality of it hits me pretty hard. For example, when my heart failed last year, my cardiologist told me that I should get my tubes tied because if I got pregnant, neither me nor the baby would survive. Before then, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a child, but when she told me I couldn't have one, I freaked out. I was only 27 years old, how could that be? No children? No family? After 7 months or so, my condition improved and now the team of cardiologists I see at Ochsner think I have a good chance of getting pregnant and carrying the baby full term (of course something may go wrong, but there's no way to know for sure). I don't know if it was the fear of not being able to have a child, or it's because I'm just at that point in my life when that "motherly" instinct is kicking in, but I want a child more than anything now.

I would give anything to have a baby, but if my ABF continues to abuse pain meds, it may never happen. I may never get the chance to get pregnant, feel my child moving inside of me, and give birth to a beautiful little person that I created. Regardless of how much I detach from his addiction, I can't block out the pain that I feel when I imagine life without a child of my own. It hurts beyond belief to know that I may never get the chance because those pills matter more than I do. So, as I said before, I'm okay, most days.

I can't harp on these feelings or I will drive myself crazy, so the only thing I can do to keep myself in a healthy place is to detach from his addiction. Until he chooses to get off of the pills and get his life back, there is nothing that I can say or do that will make him stop.

outtolunch

Oh Artist. This is so sad. "This" is your attaching your desire for a child and your own future happiness on his getting off pills, for good.

ThatLittleGirl

it takes some practice, and some setbacks, but i do see some progress. - I found I didn't fall back as far and as often, the more I started to focus on me and less on exah. Today, my instincts rarely allow me to get sucked back into his drama and his chaos.

I used to believe that I didn't matter...that his daughters didn't matter enough to make him quit. But had I not left, we'd still be married. The attachment we had, whatever one could call it, wasn't love though. And, if I ever find myself romanticizing about anything in our relationship, I remind myself of the reality of my life with exah. Usually, that's all it takes to pull me back from pretty little world I was creating in my mind. I'll say to myself, "I deserve to be truly loved. And my daughters deserve to be truly loved. And we deserve a normal life without the chaos and drama from the past. We DESERVE nothing less." That gives me peace and makes me happy. I am worthy to be loved; and I am by my children...as I love them. Perhaps someday I will have a romantic relationship with someone. Until then, I am content to work on myself and be 100% love by my kids!

artist83

Outtolunch,

I have read so many books and heard so many people say that I need to let go of it all, try to focus only on today and not worry about the future, and for the most part I have. But when it comes down to the topic of having a child, I just can't let it go. Before my heart failed, I wouldn't have given it a second thought - I was happy with my life the way it was. But having a near-death experience and being told that I may not be able to have a child really opened my eyes. I didn't realize how badly I wanted a child until that very moment - it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Many of my friends have young children or are pregnant, and although I hate to admit it, I'm jealous of them. My 21-year-old cousin and his 20-year-old girlfriend (used to be my best friend before they started dating, but that's another story) are expecting a baby in December, and for the first time in my life, I'm actually bitter. I've never been bitter about anything before and trust me when I say I hate feeling this way, but I can't control how I feel.

My cousin's parents bailed on him when they separated - they just went their separate ways and left him with nothing, so my Dad took him under his wing, gave him a job and let him live in his rental house. He never had a son, so I was happy he had the opportunity to have my cousin in his life. But when his girlfriend got pregnant, I felt like she had replaced me. I am the first born child and I am supposed to give them their first grandchild (maybe their only grandchild because my sister is mildly mentally ******** and probably won't have children). In a way, I feel that I have been robbed of one of the most meaningful experiences in life, and the worst part is that I don't know who to blame. My boyfriend, because his addiction is putting our future on hold? My cousin and his girlfriend, because they purposely got pregnant before they were ready and are now relying on my parents for support? Myself, because I'm in control of my own life and choices, including the choice to be with someone who is not capable of having a child at this moment in time?

Regardless of which way I look at it or who I blame, it hurts. We found out that my boyfriend's newly married brother and sister-in-law are expecting a child, and the first thing I felt was bitterness. I thought, "it should be me', and it actually sickens me because I feel this way. I love both of them like they are my own siblings, and I should be happy for them. Deep down inside I am happy for them, but there is still this part of me that wishes it would have been me instead.

But I guess there is some good in all of this - at least I am feeling my feelings and not hiding from them anymore. One thing I have learned throughout this journey is that I am human and I am not, and never will be, perfect. I'm allowed to feel angry, hurt, bitter, sad, as long as I recognize why I am feeling this way and do something about it. I'm allowed to make mistakes as long as I learn from them and don't repeat them. I've finally accepted who I am and how I feel, and that's a start, right?

Thanks for listening,

ThatLittleGirl

I can't control how I feel. - Artist, that is true but it's not. It is vitally important for you to feel your emotions. Get them out, experience them, but most importantly, resolve them within yourself...don't hang on to them as souvenirs of a life not well lived. For so long I sat in my dark house looking out at the world wondering,"Why me? Why is my life like this? I'm not a bad person. What did I do to deserve this." On one hand, yes, my life sucked royally! But on the other hand, I made every single choice which landed me right where I was at. I could choose to stay there or I could choose to leave. I chose to leave...eventually. It was not easy and I had many bad, bad days...but once I made the decision to leave exah, I NEVER regretted it. Not once.

But, let me back you up six years before I left exah and filed for divorce. I was 31 years old...I had finally learned of exah's addiction a year or so before...but I wanted children. I didn't think I could start over again for a myriad of reasons...and so, I decided to stay with exah and have children with him. So we did...twins as a matter of fact. Please hear me when I tell you I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are the only joy I have in my life many, many days. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I feel a tremendous guilt in having given them a father who is an addict. A father, whose capacity to love them is minimal. A father who is unable to be a consistent presence in their lives. A father who may or may not show up for their recitals and games. A father who cannot be there for them to meet their needs day-in and day-out! He just cannot do it, and this is the penance my children carry. It is the legacy I chose to give them when I chose to get pregnant by exah knowing beforehand he was an addict. Imagine your life with your addict...that is the life you are bequeathing to your children if you have them with him. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but I pray I am giving you something to think about. Had I understood all the ramifications of my decision, I might have chosen differently. I'd like to think I would have...

If you choose to stay or go, just remember it's your choice and you can only look at yourself in five or ten years if things don't look the way you wanted them to. As bittersweet as my situation is...it's mine to own & I do!

I wish you the best!