enablingwife

Hello all. it's been a while since I've posted...been doin a little soul searching here. My AH (oxy's) is still taking the non-prescribed suboxone and basically mute about this whole relapse. I dont' think he has a CLUE that I've already been touring apartments and found the PERFECT one for me an my girls! LOVE IT! I can't believe I'm actually excited about this, but I can already feel the ball and chain being sawed off!
HERE'S THE PROBLEM:
I don't know how to deliver!! I've avoided any REAL conversations with my addict for so long that I still get overwhelmingly ANXIOUS when I think of broaching this subject with him! He's going to FREAK!
I told hime during his his last relapse last September that this was it. I told his entire family (who was super supportive of me) what was going on, and what my boundaries were....I WILL NOT TOLERATE ACTIVE ADDICTION IN MY HOME!! My children and I can't handle it!
He's a master manipulator, so I feel that a letter would be best....he can't interrupt me or turn things around that way. He says my letters are a second grade level of communication....I explained it's the ONLY way he'll shut up and listen without getting me confused as to what we were talking about in the first place!
ANY SUGGESTIONS as to how to tell him that the kids and I are leaving would be greatly apprecitated! I've come to far to chicken-sh*t out now!

P.S.....is it normal to feel so excited about something so sad?! I no longer care about how he'll deal....he'll just have to! I have for 10 YEARS!

nerdygirl

I'm not sure how long you've been married, but is a letter really the way you want to end your marriage? Is there any way you can ask him to hear you out before he interrupts or interjects? If he's an active addict, the answer is probably no. Are you worried he will physically harm you or become abusive? If you feel a letter is best, then that's the way to go, but I personally would want to SAY the words. Not only for closure for him but for yourself as well. It's empowering to TELL someone you're leaving. Maybe you could have a friend or family member present for support?

Yes, it is very normal to feel excited! It's exciting that you've regained some of the power you gave up over the years of his addiction. It's exciting to think about a future that's all about you and your children. It's exciting to think about how stressfree your life will be once he is out of it. Very normal and extremely exciting! Congratulations and good luck!

Freedom1990

I completely understand the letter idea. It's more than frustrating when you have someone twisting your words around, getting you confused, etc. My mother will do that to me, so I keep conversations to a minimum with her.

cc88

after everything it sounds like you and your kids have been through, I wouldn't worry about giving him enough consideration to have a face-to-face... Why open the door to more manipulation? Do what you think is right for YOU. That's the whole point, right?

Focus on whats right for you and your kids. Id say keep him away from them completely; at least for a while. But that's for you to decide.

good luck! and I'm sure everyone here is happy to hear you're moving on.

dollydo

A goodbye letter is written to conclude an episode in life, so it may be the way to go with your husband.

Do it the way you are most comfortable with, you have endured enough!

Can't speak for anyone else....however....I too, am excited for you and your children.

Life is a song worth singing...sing it!

TMZ

I think you are doing the right thing for you and your girls. A letter is the way to leave it. That way your words are in black and white, and he can reread as may times as he needs for it to sink in. It will also keep him from putting a spin on it.

You should feel happy! You are freeing yourself and family. I am happy for you too.

Sending you strength and prayers.

Kindeyes

Communicating with someone in active addiction can be the most frustrating experience in the world. I understand your desire to communicate in writing.

Do it the way that you feel the most comfortable and the SAFEST way to communicate that you are leaving him.

As far as being excited.....the way I described it when I did it was that I felt pain lifting. Leaving him was less painful than the thought of staying with him. When you've been in pain for so long, less pain can be quite euphoric.

gentle hugs
ke

enablingwife

Wow, thanks so much to you all! It's such a strange combination of excitement, anxiety, fear, and sometimes panic....just fear of the unknown. I've endured this guy for 10 years now, thought I could change him (ha!), thought the children would be what did it (HA! again), and I've finally accepted that HE and only HE can change his life.
As the old quote says: "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing each time and expecting a different result".....I MUST do this one thing I've never done. I can already feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders...literally.

Sure, it's going to be hell with a 4 year old and a 5 year old who worship him...but they are strong, and I'm getting stronger by the minute! They'll be much worse off with an addicted father and a mother in a psychiatric ward. If I stay... I WILL lose my mind!

I truly hope other spouses of addicts can find the will and stregnth to realize they can do bad all by themselves! Life is too precious to spend it in misery. How can you live life to the fullest when on the verge of panic attacks at all times, walking on eggshells in your own home? YOU CAN'T!

It's because of THIS SITE that I 've found the stregnth necessary to do this....I applied for my apartment TODAY! One step closer to being FREE!

whyme123

Congratulations on finding your strength!! I'm not quite over the fear of the unknown yet to be able to offer you an encouraging success story, but what I can tell you is it does gets better. If everyday is just a little better than the last, then your writing your success story!

nerdygirl

Congratulations! And, I say this from experience, kids are very resilient. My first husband and I separated when my daughter was 3 years old. No drugs or alcohol involved so we were able to maintain a friendship and raise our daughter as partners. I talked to her constantly, asked questions about how she felt and we got through it with flying colors. Your kids will be fine. They look to you to see how to respond to crisis and change. If you handle it well and look at it as an adventure and an opportunity to a new happy life, they will too!