Lost and not sure what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 2
Lost and not sure what to do
I just want to say that I think it is great that this forum exists. I have been searching for a family support group in my area with no luck.
This is my first post and I am hoping to get some feedback. Sorry that it is so long!
My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He has had addiction problems for as long as I can remember. When we started dating in high school, we were both partying. After graduation, I stopped and focused on college....he has stopped off and on.
For the past two years, I believe my husband has been relatively clean. We moved away from our home up north about two years ago to get away from the bad crowd. I know over the past two years he has used a few times...especially when going to parties. Recently, my husband found out that his dad is dying of cancer and might have 4-6 months if he is lucky. Since then, everything has gone down hill.
I am constantly catching him lying to me, never having money, always having super tiny pupils, sweating, etc. I know pain pills has always been his choice of drugs and those are the symptoms. All month he has been spending long periods of time in the bathroom with the fan on. Last night I went in there after he had been in there and found tiny pieces of crushed pain pills all over the sink.
So I confronted him about and of course he went nuts. First he completely lied and told me that I was crazy. Then I told him that the proof was still on the sink. So he said that his back was really bothering him and he needed to relieve the pain - he does have major spinal problems but I can't help but think it is just an excuse. Then he went on to tell me that his dad was dying and he was sorry he didn't know how to deal with it. Apparently I am acting like his mother and he isn't addicted to pain pills because "he has never stolen money to get them or doesn't use them everyday". It hit me that he had lost it when I was walking away and he said "thanks for ruining my high - now I will be in pain all night".
I know normal people don't crush and snort pain pills. I am really worried about him and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go down this path again but I am really afraid to not be there for him while he is going through something so difficult. I know he is hurting and that losing his dad will be the hardest thing he has ever done....I just don't think I can just look the other way this time. He gets so mad and so short with me. I am tired of fighting and I don't want my little boys living around this situation.
Part of me just is fed up but the other part of me wants to help him get through losing his dad. I can't just let him fail...I don't want my boys to miss out on having them in his life because I know who he can be when he doesn't use.
This morning he told me that he was thinking about going to live with his dad for the next few months until he passes and wondered if I could take care of the boys - do I let him I go...what do I do? I am so lost.
Sorry again for the long post.
This is my first post and I am hoping to get some feedback. Sorry that it is so long!
My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He has had addiction problems for as long as I can remember. When we started dating in high school, we were both partying. After graduation, I stopped and focused on college....he has stopped off and on.
For the past two years, I believe my husband has been relatively clean. We moved away from our home up north about two years ago to get away from the bad crowd. I know over the past two years he has used a few times...especially when going to parties. Recently, my husband found out that his dad is dying of cancer and might have 4-6 months if he is lucky. Since then, everything has gone down hill.
I am constantly catching him lying to me, never having money, always having super tiny pupils, sweating, etc. I know pain pills has always been his choice of drugs and those are the symptoms. All month he has been spending long periods of time in the bathroom with the fan on. Last night I went in there after he had been in there and found tiny pieces of crushed pain pills all over the sink.
So I confronted him about and of course he went nuts. First he completely lied and told me that I was crazy. Then I told him that the proof was still on the sink. So he said that his back was really bothering him and he needed to relieve the pain - he does have major spinal problems but I can't help but think it is just an excuse. Then he went on to tell me that his dad was dying and he was sorry he didn't know how to deal with it. Apparently I am acting like his mother and he isn't addicted to pain pills because "he has never stolen money to get them or doesn't use them everyday". It hit me that he had lost it when I was walking away and he said "thanks for ruining my high - now I will be in pain all night".
I know normal people don't crush and snort pain pills. I am really worried about him and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go down this path again but I am really afraid to not be there for him while he is going through something so difficult. I know he is hurting and that losing his dad will be the hardest thing he has ever done....I just don't think I can just look the other way this time. He gets so mad and so short with me. I am tired of fighting and I don't want my little boys living around this situation.
Part of me just is fed up but the other part of me wants to help him get through losing his dad. I can't just let him fail...I don't want my boys to miss out on having them in his life because I know who he can be when he doesn't use.
This morning he told me that he was thinking about going to live with his dad for the next few months until he passes and wondered if I could take care of the boys - do I let him I go...what do I do? I am so lost.
Sorry again for the long post.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,892
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Please read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this...I know how frustrating it can be. You can't really tell him what he can and cannot do. If he wants to go be with his dad, he has that right. You also have the right to decide what you will and will not live with. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. You have the right to decide what your children will be exposed to. Your husband is an adult and can take care of himself. If he wants to stop using, he'll do that whether you are there or not. If he doesn't want to, he won't, whether you are there or not.
Hope you'll stick around and read and post often. We're here to support you.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this...I know how frustrating it can be. You can't really tell him what he can and cannot do. If he wants to go be with his dad, he has that right. You also have the right to decide what you will and will not live with. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. You have the right to decide what your children will be exposed to. Your husband is an adult and can take care of himself. If he wants to stop using, he'll do that whether you are there or not. If he doesn't want to, he won't, whether you are there or not.
Hope you'll stick around and read and post often. We're here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Unfortunately, his drug use will likely progress. Stress or no stress, fights or no fights, good days or bad, back pain or not, if he wants to use, he will. You can't control him. Even if you did find a way to smother him and chaperone his every move, if he wants to use, he will. All you can do it allow him to be his own person - active user or recovering addict. You have to think about you. If he chooses to leave, then you have to let him go and have faith that if he wants to be a husband and a father, he will return, clean and sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by tiredoflies 
I
For the past two years, I believe my husband has been relatively clean. We moved away from our home up north about two years ago to get away from the bad crowd. I know over the past two years he has used a few times...especially when going to parties.
Geographical cures do not work. The problem is within him.
Recently, my husband found out that his dad is dying of cancer and might have 4-6 months if he is lucky. Since then, everything has gone down hill.
I know normal people don't crush and snort pain pills. I am really worried about him and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go down this path again .....
So, don't. This is something you control.
but I am really afraid to not be there for him while he is going through something so difficult. I know he is hurting and that losing his dad will be the hardest thing he has ever done....I just don't think I can just look the other way this time. He gets so mad and so short with me. I am tired of fighting and I don't want my little boys living around this situation.
He's snorting pills in your family home.
How is this acceptable to you?
What happens if one of the kids comes across the crap he leaves behind?
Your children are learning how to cope with life, treat people and allow others to treat them from both of you.
Part of me just is fed up but the other part of me wants to help him get through losing his dad. I can't just let him fail...
Most people lose their parents. It's the natural order of life. Many find it hard to cope. Many take responsibility for their feelings and seek grief counseling to acquire the coping skills.
Instead your guy uses it as an excuse to do what addicts do.
I don't want my boys to miss out on having them in his life because I know who he can be when he doesn't use.
Who he can be is not who he is, right now.
This morning he told me that he was thinking about going to live with his dad for the next few months until he passes and wondered if I could take care of the boys - do I let him I go...what do I do? I am so lost.
Assuming dad is up north, this sounds like he will not be working. How does that impact the family from a financial standpoint?
Sounds more like he just wants to check out and do what addicts do.
For the past two years, I believe my husband has been relatively clean. We moved away from our home up north about two years ago to get away from the bad crowd. I know over the past two years he has used a few times...especially when going to parties.
Geographical cures do not work. The problem is within him.
Recently, my husband found out that his dad is dying of cancer and might have 4-6 months if he is lucky. Since then, everything has gone down hill.
I know normal people don't crush and snort pain pills. I am really worried about him and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go down this path again .....
So, don't. This is something you control.
but I am really afraid to not be there for him while he is going through something so difficult. I know he is hurting and that losing his dad will be the hardest thing he has ever done....I just don't think I can just look the other way this time. He gets so mad and so short with me. I am tired of fighting and I don't want my little boys living around this situation.
He's snorting pills in your family home.
How is this acceptable to you?
What happens if one of the kids comes across the crap he leaves behind?
Your children are learning how to cope with life, treat people and allow others to treat them from both of you.
Part of me just is fed up but the other part of me wants to help him get through losing his dad. I can't just let him fail...
Most people lose their parents. It's the natural order of life. Many find it hard to cope. Many take responsibility for their feelings and seek grief counseling to acquire the coping skills.
Instead your guy uses it as an excuse to do what addicts do.
I don't want my boys to miss out on having them in his life because I know who he can be when he doesn't use.
Who he can be is not who he is, right now.
This morning he told me that he was thinking about going to live with his dad for the next few months until he passes and wondered if I could take care of the boys - do I let him I go...what do I do? I am so lost.
Assuming dad is up north, this sounds like he will not be working. How does that impact the family from a financial standpoint?
Sounds more like he just wants to check out and do what addicts do.
The children come first. Dad is an addict not capable of putting his children first. That means it's up to you.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
You can protect your children from their dad and his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
His dad may need some protection near the end, from your AH. Terminal patients are often put on narcotics for pain control, and having an active addict near a terminally ill patient is formula for pain medicine theft, at the patient's most vulnerable time.
Just sayin'
CLMI
Just sayin'
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 2
Thanks for all the responses.
Wow...so hard to believe that you guys can break down my words so quickly and make me realize I have a problem too...it is like I am addicted to helping him because I don't want to see him fail. I understand I can't control him no matter how much I want to. It is just so hard to walk away.
As for the financial situation, I am the breadwinner so it will not be an issue as I can support our bills by myself. My mom and siblings just moved to the area so I have a lot of help with the kids. My husband works from home so he can do his work from his dad's house. We have separate accounts so I don't have to worry about my money going missing.
Outtolunch: You were blunt but I really think it is what I needed to hear. I can't help but read what you wrote over and over. Everything you said is so right...I just hope I can find the strength to do everything I need to do - not even sure what that might be at this time.
Cynical one: I had already thought about the same thing. The last thing I want to do is be the one to prewarn his dad that he had to worry about his pills being taken.
Wow...so hard to believe that you guys can break down my words so quickly and make me realize I have a problem too...it is like I am addicted to helping him because I don't want to see him fail. I understand I can't control him no matter how much I want to. It is just so hard to walk away.
As for the financial situation, I am the breadwinner so it will not be an issue as I can support our bills by myself. My mom and siblings just moved to the area so I have a lot of help with the kids. My husband works from home so he can do his work from his dad's house. We have separate accounts so I don't have to worry about my money going missing.
Outtolunch: You were blunt but I really think it is what I needed to hear. I can't help but read what you wrote over and over. Everything you said is so right...I just hope I can find the strength to do everything I need to do - not even sure what that might be at this time.
Cynical one: I had already thought about the same thing. The last thing I want to do is be the one to prewarn his dad that he had to worry about his pills being taken.
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