NotSoSmart

My AGF is in a 90 day program (day 18). We had the first family visit and it went well. She looked good, sounded good, seemed to be embracing the program.

During the visit she told me that she reconnected with her friend/oxy supplier and was using consistently (not daily and not the level she had before when she was nodding out). Another secret out. I handled it pretty well... it bothered me that she carried on this secret life but I didn't blow a gasket like I would have before.

She called me at 1:45p today (during her therapy time), which is the once weekly phone call that we get. She stated that she had something she needed to tell me and it was "bad and good" and she would call me at 8:30pm to discuss it further. So I sat in the anxiety for about 6 hours.

The call came, and she dropped another bomb on me: she had been using my son's ADHD pills "(stimulant). She made it sound like it was right before she left for rehab and she said she was out of control. She told me that I should've locked them up with the others (stinky thinking) and I reminded her that she said it wasn't necessary b/c she'd never stoop to stealing meds from the boy. Never trust an addict...

She said she needed to tell me b/c the guilt and shame was eating her up and she felt like it was blocking her from sharing/opening up in her groups. I wish she would've said "I thought I should tell you since you've been giving your son half doses of his meds".

At any rate I counted the pills and there are 23 whole pills, 31 that are half doses and 4 empty capsules. My son has been acting strange lately, so I looked up Vyvanse withdrawl and a lot of what he's been doing is in there. I guess its plausible she downed the equivalent of 19 30mg caps in one night, but I can't help but wonder if this has been going on longer (I think so) and if my son's moody behavior has been due to not getting his meds properly.

I feel angry. I feel stupid. Part of me wants to believe that she's getting help now and things can be better between us. But she stole meds from my boy. Now I am faced with the choice of calling the doctor to tell her what happened and hope she doesn't think i'm the addict, or alternate full doses and half ones so he doesn't get all edgy.

She asked if she could call me later this week to talk more about my feelings, since i was not in a good frame of mind. I'm not sure I want to do this. Part of me feels like calling her therapist tomorrow and telling her that I'd like for AGF not to call me and I'll call her if/when I feel like it. Let her figure out how she'll get shampoo, cigarettes and other necessities w/o me. Is that vindictive? Maybe.

I should sleep on it but I don't feel like that is going to happen anytime soon. I do plan to go to a meeting, tomorrow after work if I can.

I know some will say "dump her" but I dont know if that is what I want. Then I feel like an idiot b/c who would let someone do this to their kid and still stick it out. I've been through a lot already. I'm having a hard time letting go of the hope that she's getting proper treatment and things could be better. Like I said, stop the merry go round, I feel sick.

How do you deal with the "before I went to rehab I did <insert drug fueled behavior here>" information bombshells?

Ann

First I would call the boy's doctor and tell her exactly what happened and get your son's medication back on track. Please don't try to figure out how to cover for her by trying to regulate whatever medication he has left. His doctor needs to decide what to do next.

I am glad for you that you are going to a meeting, that will help you regain your balance here and make decisions that are best for you and your boy.

Rehabs are about her getting herself clean, facing her demons and learning how to live a healthier way. There is a difference between becoming honest with you, and dumping/blaming/shaming just to get it off her conscience. She is very early in recovery and hopefully will settle in soon. Family counseling may be a better environment to face these issues and move on...with our without each other.

This may be a good time to use the space and absence of her drama to get the help you need and help for your boy.

Time and her actions will let you know if this is the life you want to live. It's entirely up to you, but please don't let her mess with your head.

Hugs

kmangel

My son just left rehab in July and the truth of the past four years came with his coming home. I imagine that your AGF has a lot more to share with you. When my son came home, I found a counselor to help my husband and I deal with all the revelations that were (and still are) to come. I knew that it would be a difficult road for us.

Fortunately for us, our son didn't live with us the past four years (we live in another state so we didn't see him very often). His drug usage wasn't right under our noses so we didn't experience the fallout (that is until right before rehab when his whole world began to fall apart). His girl friend, though, decided to call it quits and move on.

Freedom1990

There is nothing wrong with taking this option for now and dealing with your understandable anger.

As a long-term recovering addict, I can tell you no one was bringing me cigarettes, shampoo, not a darned thing because I had used everyone up and they were angry. It did me good to feel the sting of what I had done to my loved ones. I am grateful for that experience today.

Please be honest with your son's doctor and get his medications straightened out.

Personally I would be livid over that.

Take good care of yourself, and leave her to her treatment for the time being. You don't have to cater to her or participate in anything right now if you need the time to yourself.

Sending you hugs of support!

NotSoSmart

Thank you all for your words... and not simply saying "dump the loser".
I forgot to mention what the "good" part was... she said that there was nothing else.. no other big secrets lurking. It didn't make me feel better

In retrospect I wasn't comfortable with things she said - when I got upset she immediately went into addict defensive mode and said that I should've put the pills away ("I told you they were a trigger for me"). I would've put them away had she not said to leave them out. But when the chips are down, she tried to blame me. I don't expect her to be perfect b/c she's early in treatment, but I got a flashback to the way things had been.

Also, in one of our talks on Sunday we discussed the importance of being honest from this point forward. So that kind of got thrown in my face like I asked for it. Being honest doesn't give you a free pass from consequences of behavior.

As far as the cigs and shampoo... I had made a decision i would support her recovery, so i didn't mind bringing her those things. She hadn't burned her bridge with me. The difference between then and now is that then I wasn't feeling resentful about it. Right now to be asked to bring something will only generate resentment b/c I'm still angry about what she did and the mess I have to clean up. I have bigger things to worry about right now than whether she has toothpaste or not.

Incidentally, Freedom, how did you get your personal items if you were on your own? I funded her with $20 which can't be used for cigs but can the staff make purchases for her? Surely not every woman in that place has a someone.

I agree that it is not wise to play pharmacist with my boy's meds. However, I had a situation happen after my C-Section with him where my partner (different addict) used all my Percosets. She then asked me to call the OBGYN and ask for more, which being a good codie I did. I got flagged for being "med seeking". So I am very leery about going through this again, knowing that the doc could opt not to treat my son anymore and this is one of the best ADHD clinics in my area. I wish she was the one having to make this call, not me. I *am* feeling resentment about that.

I think that I need to find a sponsor, but I've no idea how to do that. I'm very shy in the bigger meetings and haven't found a home group yet. Any Nar or Al Anon-ers have a suggestion?

outtolunch

You previously said :

Alcoholism/addiction runs in your family,
You have had prior relationships with alcoholics/addicts,
Your live in mom has issues with alcohol,
Your GF is a long time addict/alcoholic and
Your mom, you and your child all have medications
Your focus seems to be AGF, including her blasted personal items.

And somewhere in all of this drama and chaos is a 7 year boy learning what's important and how to cope with and react to people and situations.

Freedom1990

My rehab was in the wing of a hospital, and I used the standard toothpaste, toothbrush, shampoo, etc that any other patient there got from the hospital. As for cigarettes, I did have my own money and my counselor went to the store for me (we weren't allowed outside of the facility except for meetings, and eventually a a day pass for the park there).

NotSoSmart

So all day long I've been feeling like Crappy Parent of the Year. Really beating myself up.

I did call the doctor's office but she is out on vacation. I would rather talk to his regular provider than someone we've never seen, so I will call her next week. In effort to ensure my boy is safe, I called the pharmacy and told them what happened. Fortunately (though it doesn't make it OK), there is no risk of harm to him other than not getting full benefit of his meds.

I am feeling angry that she doesn't have to have some accountability in this... she can dump and run. I wish she had to call the doctor.

I wondered when I was going to have my arse handed to me by OutToLunch... you are hard core but speak truth. I have to remember though that I've been to SIX meetings, 4 of which have been in the past 2 weeks. I am coming to terms with the extend of all the addiction around me and beginning to work on myself, but I'm by no means at the level a lot of others on here are.

Thanks for the feedback.

Kindeyes

Other than doing their best to make amends today and tomorrow for their yesterdays, the addict can't do much about changing the past.

Once you knew what happened, you are dealing with the matter without covering up what the addict did. If you are angry, be angry......it's ok! Taking a child's medications is simply not ok.

You're handling the situation admirably.

gentle hugs
ke

NotSoSmart

Thank you for the kind words. I didn't get to go to a meeting tonight b/c my mom was "too hot" to watch my son for an hour. I hope to go to NarAnon tomorrow straight after work so I don't need to worry about anyone being too overheated