Should I stay or should I go now....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: illinois
Posts: 4
Should I stay or should I go now....
Dear recovering addict,
I knew upfront you were recovering from a cocaine addiction had just gone over a year without it. I knew you had given up all your old friends & changed jobs. I knew you hadn't gotten any "professional" help to learn new tools..... I knew you chose to use "avoidance" to cope. I knew this day would eventually come, but even though it has been four years, I am not prepared.
Last night I realized just how over my head I am in, when we went out & after showing zero discipline with alcohol you backed yourself straight into actively seeking a dealer & trying to convince me I wanted some to. That is what enhanced the whole scene.... The part where you tried to push a substance that the sober part of you knew I had not only never done drugs of that magnitude, but had clearly stated they were not for me at all.
Suffering PTSD & severe MST, I am obviously no walk in the park. You have held me when i wake with sweats & tears, hugged n soothed me when i duck & shake from thunder or fireworks etc, & now i feel you need a friend more than ever, & I know Im not qualified. Love doesnt make me the "right" helper.
I feel soo trapped. I want to try & suggest lets seek professional help, but you make yourself unapproachable. I dont want to do it the "wrong way" pushing you towards a relapse at same time if i do nothing at all it is only a matter of time you take yourself there.
If I stay something must be said & acted upon from both of us. It is a team effort, but no matter my desires they are for nothing if I dont know how to talk with you rather than "at" you.
If I leave i feel like I am abandoning you, yet at same time part of me thinks that is whats best for you. A chance to have space & get to know yourself better, but again without a game plan & some new coping tools, I know eventually the path will start veering again
Please, what is it that you want for yourself? It cant work if I want more for you than you do. I need your input here. How do i approach this conversation with you? It is one thing to leave if after we speak on it, & find we cannot be a healthy solution as a team, but i cant bring myself to bail without speaking about it.
Please anyone that can give me a few tips on how to approach my lover with this topic with the least amount of emotional pressure possible I really would appreciate it.
He works 21/30 days a month. 13-14hrs a day for 2 weeks then off one week then 13-14hrs nights for 2weeks with 3-4 months off in winter. I mention his anomoly scheduling to emphasize timing does make a huge difference as when days he works he isnt a talker at all the 1-2 hrs he is awake at home.
Or do i assume he knows the deal & leave in silence for him to find his own way?
I knew upfront you were recovering from a cocaine addiction had just gone over a year without it. I knew you had given up all your old friends & changed jobs. I knew you hadn't gotten any "professional" help to learn new tools..... I knew you chose to use "avoidance" to cope. I knew this day would eventually come, but even though it has been four years, I am not prepared.
Last night I realized just how over my head I am in, when we went out & after showing zero discipline with alcohol you backed yourself straight into actively seeking a dealer & trying to convince me I wanted some to. That is what enhanced the whole scene.... The part where you tried to push a substance that the sober part of you knew I had not only never done drugs of that magnitude, but had clearly stated they were not for me at all.
Suffering PTSD & severe MST, I am obviously no walk in the park. You have held me when i wake with sweats & tears, hugged n soothed me when i duck & shake from thunder or fireworks etc, & now i feel you need a friend more than ever, & I know Im not qualified. Love doesnt make me the "right" helper.
I feel soo trapped. I want to try & suggest lets seek professional help, but you make yourself unapproachable. I dont want to do it the "wrong way" pushing you towards a relapse at same time if i do nothing at all it is only a matter of time you take yourself there.
If I stay something must be said & acted upon from both of us. It is a team effort, but no matter my desires they are for nothing if I dont know how to talk with you rather than "at" you.
If I leave i feel like I am abandoning you, yet at same time part of me thinks that is whats best for you. A chance to have space & get to know yourself better, but again without a game plan & some new coping tools, I know eventually the path will start veering again
Please, what is it that you want for yourself? It cant work if I want more for you than you do. I need your input here. How do i approach this conversation with you? It is one thing to leave if after we speak on it, & find we cannot be a healthy solution as a team, but i cant bring myself to bail without speaking about it.
Please anyone that can give me a few tips on how to approach my lover with this topic with the least amount of emotional pressure possible I really would appreciate it.
He works 21/30 days a month. 13-14hrs a day for 2 weeks then off one week then 13-14hrs nights for 2weeks with 3-4 months off in winter. I mention his anomoly scheduling to emphasize timing does make a huge difference as when days he works he isnt a talker at all the 1-2 hrs he is awake at home.
Or do i assume he knows the deal & leave in silence for him to find his own way?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First let me say WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great site with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.
Please check out the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, do some reading and you will see your are NOT alone.
Now as to your BF. Sweetie he has already relapsed. Just because he was not doing cocaine he was using alcohol, just another drug. He switched addictions.
He is well aware of the situation. Whether you stay or go will not make one iota of difference, until HE DECIDES he wants sobriety more than he wants to drug and drink.
With PTSD and MST I am going to assume that you yourself are in therapy, hopefully with a counselor you trust. I would also suggest that you might want to try at least 6 different meetings of Naranon or Alanon as there you will find face to face support from folks who truly understand what you are going through. I mention Alanon as in many areas there are many more meetings than Naranon and fit one's schedule better.
I don't believe any one of us on here can tell you to stay or go, but we can share what we did for ourselves.
I might suggest that you do a Pro/Con list of staying. Take a full size sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page the long way. On one side write PRO and the other side write CON. Then as you think of a positive or negative put it in the appropriate column. This may take days or weeks to complete. However, I have found that I then have a pretty clear picture in black and white to see what is best for me. It also helps to organize my thoughts and STOP that dang committee in my head.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!
Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes even laugh.
We are here for you.
Again WELCOME to S.R.
Love and hugs,
Please check out the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, do some reading and you will see your are NOT alone.
Now as to your BF. Sweetie he has already relapsed. Just because he was not doing cocaine he was using alcohol, just another drug. He switched addictions.
He is well aware of the situation. Whether you stay or go will not make one iota of difference, until HE DECIDES he wants sobriety more than he wants to drug and drink.
With PTSD and MST I am going to assume that you yourself are in therapy, hopefully with a counselor you trust. I would also suggest that you might want to try at least 6 different meetings of Naranon or Alanon as there you will find face to face support from folks who truly understand what you are going through. I mention Alanon as in many areas there are many more meetings than Naranon and fit one's schedule better.
I don't believe any one of us on here can tell you to stay or go, but we can share what we did for ourselves.
I might suggest that you do a Pro/Con list of staying. Take a full size sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page the long way. On one side write PRO and the other side write CON. Then as you think of a positive or negative put it in the appropriate column. This may take days or weeks to complete. However, I have found that I then have a pretty clear picture in black and white to see what is best for me. It also helps to organize my thoughts and STOP that dang committee in my head.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!
Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes even laugh.
We are here for you.
Again WELCOME to S.R.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: illinois
Posts: 4
TYSM for your prompt & words nice.
Yes, i realize he relapse, well actually his recovery was built on a rickety foundation to begin with, so relapse not really had to come in the form of a drink or actual substance. In 4 yrs this is the 6th time we have had drinks, 4 of those times were "socially appropriate" meaning he limited himself (for whatever reason he had) the last 2 times none at all :/ I knew this day would come alcohol or no alcohol... the loss of a job or loved one or any number of everyday life things had/has the potential for a knock on the ass, but i hadnt realized how truely ill prepared i was going to be
I myself dont have counseling anymore & that i recieved from the army & VA ended up doing me more harm than good, but the lack of grasp on my luggage is the number one reason I am his worse advocate at this juncture....
I have read many of the stickies & posts I just not sure how to approach the subject with him... I tried opening in "lightly" this afternoon, but of course he say simply "I just wont drink anymore..." Which is a good thing BUT you & I know that really isnt actively steering towards growth/coping tools mentally. mmm the expression about talking "recovery not just abstinance".... I dont know is very hard nut to crack because he has never been a talker period. Very quite type. Outside of comments on shows or work he is mmm 1 dimensional :/
For me to physically attend meetings at this point is likely not to happen as not only Im a recluse, Im a cavedweller with zero modes of transportation & maybe 1 hr real life interaction a month. With the exception of those 6 times, I dont leave the house :/ ugggg I really dont want to mess this up by going about it my usual~"direct, blunt, lack of tact" punch in the gut I am truely awful with sprinkling a spoonful of sugar... is why i was seeking a lil advice on approaches.
Yes, i realize he relapse, well actually his recovery was built on a rickety foundation to begin with, so relapse not really had to come in the form of a drink or actual substance. In 4 yrs this is the 6th time we have had drinks, 4 of those times were "socially appropriate" meaning he limited himself (for whatever reason he had) the last 2 times none at all :/ I knew this day would come alcohol or no alcohol... the loss of a job or loved one or any number of everyday life things had/has the potential for a knock on the ass, but i hadnt realized how truely ill prepared i was going to be
I myself dont have counseling anymore & that i recieved from the army & VA ended up doing me more harm than good, but the lack of grasp on my luggage is the number one reason I am his worse advocate at this juncture....
I have read many of the stickies & posts I just not sure how to approach the subject with him... I tried opening in "lightly" this afternoon, but of course he say simply "I just wont drink anymore..." Which is a good thing BUT you & I know that really isnt actively steering towards growth/coping tools mentally. mmm the expression about talking "recovery not just abstinance".... I dont know is very hard nut to crack because he has never been a talker period. Very quite type. Outside of comments on shows or work he is mmm 1 dimensional :/
For me to physically attend meetings at this point is likely not to happen as not only Im a recluse, Im a cavedweller with zero modes of transportation & maybe 1 hr real life interaction a month. With the exception of those 6 times, I dont leave the house :/ ugggg I really dont want to mess this up by going about it my usual~"direct, blunt, lack of tact" punch in the gut
I am truely awful with sprinkling a spoonful of sugar... is why i was seeking a lil advice on approaches.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: illinois
Posts: 4
I am honestly not naive enough to think I have any control over anyones (addict or not) decisions, but I am in a position to influence a direction at the moment. I dont want to throw that rare window of opportunity away by way of my big mouth.... I will stay silent about it, unless he brings it up for these last few days he has off, & try cram as much research i can over next couple of weeks hopefully laced with real life from others... By his next week off I should know should I stay or should i go..... I really cant think of how else to approach it :/ Im very limited due to lifestyle i forced on myself somewhere back there.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
As a recovering A for many years, I can tell you that no one, not loved ones, not doctors, not counselors could 'influence' me until I personally was 'sick and tired of being sick and tired.'
In fact when the above would try, I would 'resent' the chit out of them and pull away.
Even 'interventions' do NOT work, unless the individual is 'ready' to stop living the he!! of addiction.
Over these many years, 30+ years sober and clean and 27+ from my co dependent issues, one of the major things I have learned is the only one I have ANY INFLUENCE over is ME.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
-
In fact when the above would try, I would 'resent' the chit out of them and pull away.
Even 'interventions' do NOT work, unless the individual is 'ready' to stop living the he!! of addiction.
Over these many years, 30+ years sober and clean and 27+ from my co dependent issues, one of the major things I have learned is the only one I have ANY INFLUENCE over is ME.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
-
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....I hope you find some answers here.
This was a pretty honest self assessment. One of the things that we say a lot around here is that self care comes first. Perhaps (and this is just a thought) approaching it from the position of stating your own personal boundary. You've probably seen the saying around here "say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean." Keeping that thought in mind might help you approach the matter.
Good luck. Keep posting. We care.
gentle hugs
ke
I myself dont have counseling anymore & that i recieved from the army & VA ended up doing me more harm than good, but the lack of grasp on my luggage is the number one reason I am his worse advocate at this juncture....
Good luck. Keep posting. We care.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
welcome to sober recovery, itwasntme.
yes, you probably do have some influence. however, my experience is that it just doesn't "stick" if the addict is not in charge of his own recovery: making the decisions, motivated. he has to take ownership. he is probably used to you having "influence". this is not the way to be an accountable adult, however.
in your heart and in your mind you know that things are not going well. what if you took a big step back and allowed him the time and space to work on his recovery? you two can revisit being a couple when his feet are on the ground?
yes, you probably do have some influence. however, my experience is that it just doesn't "stick" if the addict is not in charge of his own recovery: making the decisions, motivated. he has to take ownership. he is probably used to you having "influence". this is not the way to be an accountable adult, however.
in your heart and in your mind you know that things are not going well. what if you took a big step back and allowed him the time and space to work on his recovery? you two can revisit being a couple when his feet are on the ground?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sunny So Ca beach with a breeze
Posts: 75
Welcome!!
That is such a hard junction in the world we pass or approach!
I stayed in my marriage for several years for fear SXAH would OD, be lost go deeper etc. I had every reason why I couldnt leave. Until i realized that no matter what i did, his future was going to be what he choose either way. I could either be around to live it...... or be on the sidelines as I am now.
You just need to be honest with him and yourself. I know with my SXAH i never knew which way he was going to react, to anything. So just be you, have faith and trust in yourself that you are able to handle what you need to for you!!
I had a hard time making meetings and I did find some online. It may be a better option for you than not going?!
keep us posted and keep reading and posting.
That is such a hard junction in the world we pass or approach!
I stayed in my marriage for several years for fear SXAH would OD, be lost go deeper etc. I had every reason why I couldnt leave. Until i realized that no matter what i did, his future was going to be what he choose either way. I could either be around to live it...... or be on the sidelines as I am now.
You just need to be honest with him and yourself. I know with my SXAH i never knew which way he was going to react, to anything. So just be you, have faith and trust in yourself that you are able to handle what you need to for you!!
I had a hard time making meetings and I did find some online. It may be a better option for you than not going?!
keep us posted and keep reading and posting.
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