getting through final (I hope) grief stages
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
getting through final (I hope) grief stages
So how long do you get sad moments?
2 days ago I was sure STBXAH was trying to break in my home.
Find out it was kids, he'd relapsed again and is now back in NC with his dad. The injunction Judge has sent an Notice to appear for civil contempt for not completing drug eval to Henderson NC sheriff.
(He wont appear.-I asked court administrator why they were paying to serve him that far and they said cause Judge was unhappy and planned on locking him up till he got eval.) Funny NC ordered eval 10 years ago, never done.
I should be thrilled. He's leaving me alone, I dont have to be afraid. He may actually work and send me $ again (well send to state now....but still)
So why do I feel like he gave up on us, even though I had MIl make it clear, I saw no substantive changes, gave up on his son....
He hates his dad, the controlling, manipulative abuse came from him, nothings changed, hes there cause he felt no where to run.
So today, as much as Ive wanted this over sooo long, why do I cry?
Ok partly maybe the $65 to have out of state divorce served....but naa thats not it.
I cry, I think cause the reality hits, I cry for our son (my now deceased dad was a mile down the road and never around-so I cry for my inner child).
At the same time I am relieved....I so do not get the mixed emotions after so long. We havent just been separated since September, but it went like this:
July 26 2009 to Sept 09 in jail, after 2 weeks I made him leave. He was in NC Sept 09 to Jan 10- he came unannounced in January, I pushed him away till Feb 1, 2010, filed first restraining order/injunction Feb 17, 2010, got back together June 2010 and apart Sept 2010 to present with no plans of return, so after barely being together in almost 2 years, why am I crying today?
I dont want it any differently, except, my last name and marital status.
2 days ago I was sure STBXAH was trying to break in my home.
Find out it was kids, he'd relapsed again and is now back in NC with his dad. The injunction Judge has sent an Notice to appear for civil contempt for not completing drug eval to Henderson NC sheriff.
(He wont appear.-I asked court administrator why they were paying to serve him that far and they said cause Judge was unhappy and planned on locking him up till he got eval.) Funny NC ordered eval 10 years ago, never done.
I should be thrilled. He's leaving me alone, I dont have to be afraid. He may actually work and send me $ again (well send to state now....but still)
So why do I feel like he gave up on us, even though I had MIl make it clear, I saw no substantive changes, gave up on his son....
He hates his dad, the controlling, manipulative abuse came from him, nothings changed, hes there cause he felt no where to run.
So today, as much as Ive wanted this over sooo long, why do I cry?
Ok partly maybe the $65 to have out of state divorce served....but naa thats not it.
I cry, I think cause the reality hits, I cry for our son (my now deceased dad was a mile down the road and never around-so I cry for my inner child).
At the same time I am relieved....I so do not get the mixed emotions after so long. We havent just been separated since September, but it went like this:
July 26 2009 to Sept 09 in jail, after 2 weeks I made him leave. He was in NC Sept 09 to Jan 10- he came unannounced in January, I pushed him away till Feb 1, 2010, filed first restraining order/injunction Feb 17, 2010, got back together June 2010 and apart Sept 2010 to present with no plans of return, so after barely being together in almost 2 years, why am I crying today?
I dont want it any differently, except, my last name and marital status.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Often the pain from more recent wounds opens up pain from old wounds. You talked about crying for your inner child, yes?
Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body.
Sending you gentle hugs of support.
Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body.
Sending you gentle hugs of support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
Thank you, Today Im feeling better. Youre right the difference between a good day and a bad day is often a day.
My little guy said today "I miss daddy", then laughed and recalled playing in pool at their last visit. I encouraged him to remember the fun times. (He doesnt konw hes not in town anymore and seeing him when he sees his grandma on 1st is not likely) I encouraged him to maybe write him a letter or draw a picture, he said, I dont like to. I said ok. He then said, "well I do want to draw a picture of me and him" I got him out paper and supplies and he hasnt yet. But I made a decision, called MIL (who informed me she doesnt speak to him but could get a message to him) I left message, D misses him, he can call evenings between 6 and 8 and block number if he wants, Ill have D answer. (Thats exactly what the parenting plan in divorce papers says anyway, they just dont know it yet.)
Im prepared to be strong with my boundaries, not talk to him, but monitor calls as necessary.
I know AH he wont call his son if hes messed up.
The injunction allows him to speak to D, but he'd be with his family or theyd text and ask we call a certain number when convenient. They think I dont know where hes at, so I figured this left it open for him to have at least a phone relationship, if he chooses, without waiting for his mom to have D.
Today Im remembering, its gonna hurt. I still love him but Im strong enough to follow my head and do whats the best for us all, and thats me to follow through with divorce and not drop the injunction. He repeatedly asked for help, the courts are trying to give it to him, if he chooses to turn it into criminal charges that's his choice, Im not fixing it, or changing it.(Certainly wouldn't be in my sons or my interests to do so)
My little guy said today "I miss daddy", then laughed and recalled playing in pool at their last visit. I encouraged him to remember the fun times. (He doesnt konw hes not in town anymore and seeing him when he sees his grandma on 1st is not likely) I encouraged him to maybe write him a letter or draw a picture, he said, I dont like to. I said ok. He then said, "well I do want to draw a picture of me and him" I got him out paper and supplies and he hasnt yet. But I made a decision, called MIL (who informed me she doesnt speak to him but could get a message to him) I left message, D misses him, he can call evenings between 6 and 8 and block number if he wants, Ill have D answer. (Thats exactly what the parenting plan in divorce papers says anyway, they just dont know it yet.)
Im prepared to be strong with my boundaries, not talk to him, but monitor calls as necessary.
I know AH he wont call his son if hes messed up.
The injunction allows him to speak to D, but he'd be with his family or theyd text and ask we call a certain number when convenient. They think I dont know where hes at, so I figured this left it open for him to have at least a phone relationship, if he chooses, without waiting for his mom to have D.
Today Im remembering, its gonna hurt. I still love him but Im strong enough to follow my head and do whats the best for us all, and thats me to follow through with divorce and not drop the injunction. He repeatedly asked for help, the courts are trying to give it to him, if he chooses to turn it into criminal charges that's his choice, Im not fixing it, or changing it.(Certainly wouldn't be in my sons or my interests to do so)
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Butterfly,
I think that it's just tough going for awhile. The way I look at it is that at least it is progress. It was always tough dealing with him and this is tough too. However, the difference is that now there really is a chance for things to get better for us.
I know it helps me a lot to know that I can post here anytime. There are people that understand and it helps me so much.
Thinking about you - Donna
I think that it's just tough going for awhile. The way I look at it is that at least it is progress. It was always tough dealing with him and this is tough too. However, the difference is that now there really is a chance for things to get better for us.
I know it helps me a lot to know that I can post here anytime. There are people that understand and it helps me so much.
Thinking about you - Donna
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by butterflyflight 
Thanks lightseeker. Thats the thing, I think its important I vent about it, otherwise I bottle up, and people who havent been through it dont understand.
I was sad for a long time after I left my EXAH, even though he was abusive. I still had my wedding rings on a year after I had gotten out of rehab, and we were separated 6 months before I even went to rehab!
It takes time and then one day you will realize that sadness doesn't permeate your life anymore!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I just wanted to say that so much strength comes through your story and posts.
Hope you feel better soon.
Yesterday I saw a diagram about how recovery is a jagged road up, not a straight line.
There are gonna be bumps but its ok to be sad. Perfectly ok.
Hope you feel better soon.
Yesterday I saw a diagram about how recovery is a jagged road up, not a straight line.
There are gonna be bumps but its ok to be sad. Perfectly ok.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Butterfly,
just checking in with you today. Hope that you are doing okay and it's been one of the good days. Freedom......it helped me to hear someone else that stuggled with being sad even with an abusive husband. It doesn't make sense - but it is a real feeling of sadness for sure. It really helps to hear that it passes as well.
Hugs....
just checking in with you today. Hope that you are doing okay and it's been one of the good days. Freedom......it helped me to hear someone else that stuggled with being sad even with an abusive husband. It doesn't make sense - but it is a real feeling of sadness for sure. It really helps to hear that it passes as well.
Hugs....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
lightseeker and freedom, I heard once that sometimes the sadness is stronger and longer when there abuse, emotional and/or physical, because of the control factor, for all the time.
I remember once in DV group, it was those who'd been out the longest,(all under a year, but 5 to 8 months) that were having the hardest time. It was because the adrenilyn was gone, and then were finally grieving the relationship. The counselor said it was part of the healing (cant always remember this)
Yes day has been better, hope week will be. There will be sadness when lil man (7 this week) goes to visit his dads family, first week of August, but its just a feeling I get every time.
I remember once in DV group, it was those who'd been out the longest,(all under a year, but 5 to 8 months) that were having the hardest time. It was because the adrenilyn was gone, and then were finally grieving the relationship. The counselor said it was part of the healing (cant always remember this)
Yes day has been better, hope week will be. There will be sadness when lil man (7 this week) goes to visit his dads family, first week of August, but its just a feeling I get every time.
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