jackthedog

Lawyer said to talk to AH that I have been separated from for 8 months now to see if he will get rid of the marijuana plants in his backyard, quit smoking, drinking and go to counseling with me. Right, like that is going to happen! WE have a 13 year old son who has visitations with his father now half of the time. The lawyer said it is a felony and that AH would, if police came to his home, he would be charged, probably get a good lawyer and be on probation. He also said if AH was driving while under the influence of MJ, and our son was in the car, then I could be charged with child endangering. If AH, after talking to him does not agree to stop using, drinking, getting help, etc., then I need to file for a divorce and have the courts issue AH to get tested for MJ or any other drugs before he can have visitation rights with our son.

Now my question is, when I talk to AH do I tell him I know about the MJ? How do I word it? I am not good at this, or I am just not thinking straight, just looking for some input?

Thumper

I'm no lawyer, and don't know the laws in your state etc. but I'm not really 100% reassured by the lawyers recommendations. If it were me, I might get a second opinion on all that. Of course, you had the full conversation with him etc so you can ignore that thought too

As painful as it is I've really been trying for the direct approach to sticky issues. In the end it is better then my previous approach of skirting, worry, manipulation (ie trying to figure out what to share, when to share, how to share).

So for this issue I might say "AH, I saw MJ in your backyard. I have an issue with our son being around MJ."

Depending on how the conversation goes you could actually stop right there.

Or add "If you don't keep it away from him by not using when you are with him and not having it on the premises at all, my views on our visitation agreement will change in order to protect him."

You don't really have to follow up with what exactly that means. Maybe you don't know. You can say "I don't know."

Short, sweet, to the point. You are not telling him what to do, but what your expectations are.

Is the visitation agreement a verbal agreement between you and ah or a legal agreement through the courts?

jackthedog

Everything has been a verbal agreement thus far. I really appreciate your way of presenting it to him! It sets a boundary. I don't want to tell him what to do, I want to feel empowered and confident when I speak to him and this is perfect! While I am changing I still revert back to my wimpy enabling ways.

cogito

I"m not sure I see how it's your responsibility to talk to AH about this? AH is an adult, and has every resource available to him that you have. Does he not know MJ is a felony in his location? Or that driving under the influence is endangering your son? Is there anything you are going to say to him that he either doesn't already know or is able to find out for himself? Or does the lawyer want you to say approach the topic with him for specific legal reasons? I feel like I'm missing something here.

That said, if you are going to talk to him about it, I wouldn't mention MJ if AH doesn't know you know already. I would just throw in a reminder that it's not a good idea to be doing anything illegal, that you hope that he decides to seek help and get permanently clean, and that driving under the influence with his child in the car is child endangerment and is punishable. I don't see the need to get specific.

Hopefully some more experienced people here will have more help!
Good Luck!

HopeAwaits

I am so sorry you are going through this. In our world the right and wrong and what we do is a hard thing to decifer.

This is a similar situation I was in before. I wasnt sure what todo, knew I didnt want daughter to go with SXAH (active Meth user at the time) but had nothing other than me to stop him Unfortanitly I had to get a Temp RO and that sovled the problem for the moment. There was a RO for both of us. and then final orders were supervised. I would just go to courts for custody orders. you can do this without filling for divorce etc.

You have to do what is right for your son, HE is at an age he will take all this in and he needs positive. He needs you!!!

Gentle hugs!!! and keep us posted!

jackthedog

I wouldn't mention MJ if AH doesn't know you know already. WHY NOT? I am not arguing about this, just wanted to know your thoughts.

It was my understanding that the lawyer wanted me to see if AH would be willing to reconcile and seek help first, then if not, file for divorce and let the courts take care of it. When I said to attorney that I didn't think he would reconcile and seek help, the attorney agreed.

HopeAwaits

YOU need to first ask if you want to reconcile. Remember not to short yourself on your life. and what would happen if you were all in the home if or when Police show up?

butterflyflight

Depending where your at theres all kind of problems. What if he's busted or caught with something while your son is there? And you know?
I think, just my opinion, you either talk to him completely open and tell him consequences and what you have to do as a parent, or you just file and do it.

Another side, I have a 13 year old son. He currently has ditched ALL of his school friends, they all smoke MJ. He wont play basket ball at the courts across our street because the guys there are usually smoking, and all these kids are 12 to 14. Where do you think they got it?

jackthedog

I was unaware I could just go to court with custody orders, do I do this on my own, with the marijuana info? The attorney is $200 an hour with a $2000 retainer fee.....way out of my budget...thanks so much for the support and hugs!

butterflyflight

Google family forms and state your in, or go to your county clerk website. All states are different. In Florida, theres a child support without dissolution petition, you file that and attach a shared parenting plan indicating you want supervised visits as you believe there is drug use. The only other way Im aware of is dissolution or an injunction, and there has to be violence for the injunction.

Jazzman

I think your lawyer gave you good info on the laws. Kinda spells it right out if you ask me. You could be held accountable for turning a blind eye if things go south. Some one has to be the parent here and it sounds like your H stepped on his wee wee in that area.

cogito

I agree with this. I'm certain he knows why you are currently separated and what he would have to do if he wanted to even begin to reconcile. If he wants to keep his family he can take action, then you can decide whether you want to reconcile or not.
As for not mentioning the MJ, I was just saying I wouldn't do it. I don't think it likely matters really, it just seems pointless. He would either deny it and tell you whoever told you about it is lying, or he will admit it and talk about how harmless it is.
I might worry that he can later bring it up "Oh she knew I was growing it and she didn't mind. She still came over to the house and let me have unsupervised visitation with our son." But that's probably an irrational paranoia on my part! Your lawyer would know about that than I do.

coffeedrinker

I would think that doing something overtly that is unlawful is cause for pulling the kid.

A boundary could be:
"Joey will not be permitted to come to your home where weed is growing, and being smoked. You're welcome to do your visitation elsewhere, or remove the MJ."

Where is Anvil when we need her?

jackthedog

Yes, that is my thought too! pull my boy! If I truly with all my heart believe he is danger then I should act and not wait around. AH is not going to just get rid of the plants, I have no control over his actions, but I do over my actions. I would just tell my son the truth and say it is illegal and I have to protect him from harm.

Freedom1990

I wouldn't hesitate to stop visitation for your son.

jackthedog

It would put all of the work on my AH then, he would have to file for custody, he would have to explain to his family why he doesn't have Zach anymore, he would have to confront his son about his actions.

Can I legally do this?

LexieCat

If you have a visitation order in place, you must get it changed, or else YOU can be held in contempt of court. In an emergency, you would have an excuse, but I'm not so sure this would qualify.

I'd run it by your lawyer first.

jackthedog

We have not had any legal document written up for visitation, it has all been just between the two of us, via email, and by phone.

HopeAwaits

I am in CA, and I was told without orders, sad to say but possesion is 9/10ths of the law. My daughter was very young and would not be able to say she wanted to stay or go. And when XAH called the police to my house at 9pm when we seperated to see daughter, the officer told me to go get RO for immediate actions because if he picked her up first at school I could not stop him or take her back because we didnt have orders!!

Your son can say he doesnt want to go and with no orders you dont have to force him.

here you can file for custody. there should be a local family center or womens resource. I would look at local courts online to see. I did divorce and custody on my own without a lawyer. With help from family court services at court house.

jackthedog

So what you are saying is I should not keep my son at my house without court orders and a restraining order? I plan to go to family court this morning and see what I should file for. My son spent the night at a friend's last night and will be dropped off at my house at noon. Son told me his dad is getting off work early today. Tomorrow is son's birthday, I may wait until Sunday to talk to him and tell him. I think I need a couple more days to think this all through and be sure I get all the right paperwork.

Thanks for your help!