cogito

I just joined this forum because I'm hoping to get some perspective on recent events.


Currently:
About a month ago I started having some horrible (extreme) pain and was prescribed first vicodin and then percocet. I scheduled surgery for as soon as possible but I was on narcotics for about 20 days. Pretty much the day I came home with pain meds my husband told me he was having terrible headaches (for weeks?) and asked if he could have a pill. I told him no, and to see his doctor. Later I found that I was missing pills. I believe he stole approx 15 pills from me. After the surgery I had some left still, and I returned them to my doctor's office - which my husband was upset about. He has in fact gone to see his doctor regarding his constant headaches and has had an MRI (normal) and now is supposed to do a sleep study (he says he forgets to schedule it) and follow up with a neurologist. There are no more narcotics in the house. I have no idea if he is getting some elsewhere. Should I expect that he is? Was this a one-time type thing or has he slid down that slippery slope?

Background:
My husband an I have been together over 10 years and have two small children. In the first year of our relationship he had an addiction to oxycontin (crush and snort, and purchased on the street). I watched him detox and he seemed to clean himself up and stay clean from it for many years. He still smoked pot. He still drank. I hate him doing either - but his decision.

About 5 years into our relationship we had some big life changes. He had a unexpected surgery (which he says was traumatic to him) and ensuing family battles, and we were expecting our first child.

Shortly after our daughter was born I found out he was smoking crack (disappearing for days, skipping out on work, missing money, etc.) and had started in the weeks just prior to me delivering our daughter. With the help of his family we had him dragged to rehab (unwillingly). I covered for him with his job, but otherwise I cut my connections with him. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life.

He came out of rehab clean and willing to do anything to get his family back. I gave him a chance. Rebuilding has been difficult and truly counseling is still needed. I still hold a lot of hostility and bitterness about the whole thing, especially missing out on spending time with our first child together.

In the 5 years since that time, it's like he keeps resetting his limits. First it was no pot, no alcohol. Then it was, well, a little pot is okay. Then beer is okay and not liquor. He quit going to meetings citing he doesn't like the religion aspect of it (he is Christian). It's a source of arguments in our house still. I would not call him an alcoholic nor do I think he is physically dependent on any particular substance, but personally I feel he seems to need some sort of substance. If he has no pot he drinks, otherwise he doesn't. He can seem to trade one for the other. I would call him an addict. He disagrees.

Chino

I'd call him an addict too.

Are you active in Alanon or any of the 12 step programs?

Freedom1990

He sounds a lot like I was early in my addictions, a buffet addict. I'd do whatever was available including alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, by the way.

Addiction is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, never better if left untreated.

I know for me, Alanon has been a lifesaver. I now have a 33-year-old daughter active in addictions.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read. She has a whole series of books on codependency.

I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you continue to post!

cogito

Thanks so much for your replies. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks he is an addict - not that I'm complaining, but it does make it harder to point your finger and call addict when they aren't high beyond functioning all day everyday. He claims he needs it to relax (which I don't doubt, but as I've said to him - find a healthier way to relax!) I think I am having trouble with this exactly because it isn't so clear-cut as it was when he was doing crack. He maintains his job, he comes home everyday, he isn't spending gobs of money, he plays with the kids and on weekends he cooks breakfast.

I have not done Alanon - it's hard to get away from the kids. In fact.. I had not left them in my husband's care until February of this year (they are 5 and 3). He loves our kids and would never intentionally harm them - I just worry what would happen if there were some emergency and he was high. I don't have any family that lives nearby and I've also never used a babysitter. I might be a bit of a helicopter parent! lol I do like to read though so I will look for "Codependent No More." I never thought of myself as codependent, but I have to say I am wondering considering how I'm still with my husband despite all the hurdles.

So what can I do at this point? I would like for him to start attending meetings again or at least address this in some way. When I talked to him about this a few days ago he said "sure" - but nothing has come of it. Am I over-reacting to him taking a few pills? (leaving me in pain btw since I ran out of my first bottle early and didn't want my doctor to think I was abusing them by asking for an early refill). Should I just drop it and try to continue on like nothing happened? I've been asking myself if this is the type of behavior I want in my marriage and it's not - but I'm not sure it's really at the point where I would put divorce on the table. I'd like to give him a chance to take the reigns and get on the right track (without me nagging him)... but how much time do I give him? Do I set some imaginary timeline in my head? 6 months? a year? Do I tell him? I don't think I can wait for it to reach the smoking crack point again... that was... hell.

Thanks guys!

kmangel

I attended a Celebrate Recovery group and they offered child care, so that is an option for you.

newnormal4me

I used to be the queen of "am I over reacting". All it did for me was to stay in the game with my AH until he became completely out of control and so was I. As you try and "rationalize" things, they keep getting bigger, then you start to try and "rationalize" bigger things until you wake up one day and can't believe what has become of your life. I wish so bad I would have not allowed myself to be in denial for as long as I was and that I would have made a very hard stand against things early on. I know it's easier said than done.

Your husband has shown that he is capable of being a complete addict (crack) and if he was following a plan of recovery he wouldn't be touching anything, including alcohol or pot. My opinion anyway.

My AH was functional for years, but he is not now, although if you ask him, he's fine. I feel for you because I lived in that gray area for way too long. It is very hard to think of taking a hard stand when things seem so gray. Please read as much as you can about addiction...get yourself educated and then you will likely start to see things more clearly. It seems that you are very uncomfortable with the way things are. What do you want in a relationship? What do you want in your family life?

Chino

Establish personal boundaries for yourself and ways to protect them. You mentioned this situation not being what you want in a marriage but it's not enough to divorce right now. What is enough? Where do you draw the line? What do you want in not only a marriage, but all your interpersonal relationships?

cogito

newnormal - I agree that he should not be touching alcohol and pot. And yes - the gray makes taking a stand difficult- when it was all "Jerry Springer" type craziness, making a stand was heart-wrenching but glaringly obvious. Right now, my own direction is not so clear to me.

I'm not sure of all the things I want in a relationship - I think one of the big fear-driven wants is stability and dependability. With my recent medical issues, I had this horrible image in my head that if I became incapable of taking care of myself that he'd be off in a corner taking my meds while he neglected the kids and left me to wallow in sickness uncared-for. As it happened the surgery went great and I'm back on my feet (whew!)

Chino - as for boundaries.. I don't know. I feel like I am willing to see this through as long as I see him taking quantifiable steps to get treatment - meetings, counseling, and/or (if the case is self-medicating) legitimate medical care for his psychological issues. I think that is where I have trouble setting a hard line and what would be the consequences? If you don't go to a meeting this week I am filing for divorce? Divorce to me is such a last resort. At this particular point in time, when weighing the fallout of divorce against the current situation, it doesn't seem to be the better option. But then you get me wondering - do I want to wait until things get so awful that divorce looks like a hot fudge cake with ice cream?

I have looked up some meetings for me in my area.. and I'm going to try to go this week. More than anything I think outside perspective is so important to me right now.

JMFburns

One of the AlAnon meetings I attended had excellent child care and it was amazing the bond those kids had with each other. Every where from 8-15 years old, they grew up together! Many times the parents would say it was the kids wanting to go they got them up and to the meeting!!!

outtolunch

It sort of sounds like this guy has been into substances for most of the past ten years. Addiction is progressive and pot or alcohol usually leads back to the hard core.

Stealing pills is what addicts do. I would be very surprised if this was a one off.

Nothing you do or say will get or keep him clean or cause him to go deeper into his addiction. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Addicts tend to be careless. Misplacing a pill, nodding out with a lit cig, driving under the influence, mood changes and more can create dangerous situations for your children. They deserve a safe enviornment.

When the going gets tougher, remember you can get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride anytime you want to do so and protect the children.

eaglette

I doubt this is an isolated incident. My ABF came out of rehab and sounds a lot like your AH...first it was completely cold turkey, meetings, and counseling. Then pot now and then, still with meetings and counseling. Then pot now and then and alcohol now and then, still with meetings but fewer and farther between, plus counseling. Then pot every day and alcohol now and then, dropped the meetings but still went to counseling, then pot every day, alcohol now and then, snorting scripts once in a while & dropped the counseling too--finally, back to stealing painkillers and trying that new bath salt stuff and binging on everything available for 4 days. Supposedly he is going back to rehab soon, but he is putting it off. Unfortunately, your situation sounds all too familiar. He will say it's an isolated incident, but go with what your gut and his actions tell you.

cogito

sigh.. yup. Little update. His doctor (who knows his drug past) referred him to a neurologist for his headaches. The neurologist (presumably not knowing his history) prescribed him something called Butalbital. I looked it up and it's a highly addictive barbituate. From the web:
He filled the prescription of 30 pills tonight at 7:17PM. The label says take 1 every 4hrs. I counted the pills at 7:54PM and there are 27. He's obviously popped 3 right off the bat.

I guess this solidifies my fears, so in that way is helpful...

cogito

He really doesn't seem to mix his drugs and will just stick with one at a time. He seems to be a fairly opportunistic addict, and not have a single DOC - so if he is doing pills he won't drink or smoke pot. He actually won't even smoke pot and drink together - it's always one or the other.

I have not thought of my next steps. My mind is a bit of a jumble right now.. looking up meetings (soonest one seems to be Monday), thinking about taking the kids and staying with family (though I have some things I need to handle in town first - like registering my 5yr old for school and submitting my financial info to the hospital where I just had surgery. I don't have insurance so.. have to work out some payment plan).
I am a stay-at-home mom so.. money is a worry, though really I have a very supportive family and I know I would not have to live on the street or starve.

I have not even mentioned anything to him yet. We haven't even talked about this topic for about two weeks or so. I had already started sending out resumes a couple of weeks ago, and will likely step up efforts on that. I used to make great money, but lost my job during his last addiction/recovery and when he came back clean and we stayed together, I just stayed home. It was also much easier to make these tough decisions when I was financially independent. I feel a need to get that back regardless of what happens next or what other decisions I make.

NotSoSmart

I can relate to what you're saying... I convinced myself that since my experience with my addict partner wasn't as disruptive as the stories I heard, it "wasn't that bad". I had to take a long step back and look at all the cumulative things that have happened as a consequence of her using/drinking - the whole picture wasn't so pretty.

I've also seen my partner rationalize any behavior. She did the "at least I'm not using Oxy" line when I complained about the drinking. She stopped going to meetings b/c she didn't like how people came in late or texted during meetings: she quit bc they were "disrespectful" and not taking it seriously (makes a lot of sense...not). I expressed concern about the possibility of having pain pills in the house if had knee surgery; her response was to lock them in the box, never mind how someone recovering from surgery is supposed manage finding and re-hiding keys. I have hidden the key so many places that I've forgotten where I put it. I learned an addict will always protect/defend what they're doing, even if they know its wrong. Denial and rationalization keep them from reality.