first post...her first time in rehab.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
first post...her first time in rehab.
I've been lurking/reading this forum off and on now for months and finally decided to post. I'm still learning all the shorthand terms :P
I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and for all of that time there have been issues with addiction whether she's using or not. I found out shortly after we started living together that she had issues with opiates. I didn't catch on right away, but soon enough. Not only was she high and nodding out a lot, she began to steal pills from me and my mother (who lives in the same home). I found out that she was not in recovery as she'd led me to believe when we first met. In fact she had almost a year sober... but 4 years ago.
She eventually stopped using opiates but switched to alcohol. Its not that she drinks and things get broken but its her compulsion to drink that wreaks havoc. She moved out in Feb to a sober living house, but it wasn't structured enough and after the first 30 days she figured out no one was going to bust her for not going to AA so she quit. I allowed her to move back in although I knew without her working a program, we would end up at square one soon.
Every family trip (I have a 7 year old son) has been affected by her addiction. Our most recent trip to a theme park was sullied b/c she left the park, didn't answer her phone for 2 hours. I found out later she went across the road to a bar. She recently relapsed to pills and stole pills from someone outside the family. She then stole my medications. She knows that I'm about at my wits end with the cycle and she recognizes that she's been "dry drunking" it unsuccessfully. So she enrolled in IOP while on wait list for a 90 day residential program. She started on a Tuesday and was offered a bed the next day. It was quite sudden with no time to prepare; she literally had to pack and go. Since then I have had little contact with her. I don't know what the rules are there, I don't know anything about the program or if I'll be included at all. They're new so the website is "under construction". She called today crying and said she lost her phone time but was allowed to call my son (its a women's program and they're a little more flexible with kids). I wasn't able to really talk with her about family night, why she lost her time or if she was going to get it back.
I'm not sure what the rules are of these types of programs. I've been with other alcoholics/addicts but none that have gone into recovery. I've had a very hard day not knowing if or when I'll be able to speak with her. It was hard to hear her cry and sound so despondent today and I'm a little afraid she might AWOL. I can only hope that the professionals there have seen it a billion times and can guide her through this.
If anyone has made it to the end of this long post, congratulations on your persistence and I appreciate it. While I'm grateful for her opportunity to really focus on her sobriety and I understand the concept of separating the addict so she can do that, everything happened so rapidly I didn't have any opportunity to find out what happens next. I think I will be more at peace if I knew *something* about this process rather than the way I feel now. Thanks again...
I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and for all of that time there have been issues with addiction whether she's using or not. I found out shortly after we started living together that she had issues with opiates. I didn't catch on right away, but soon enough. Not only was she high and nodding out a lot, she began to steal pills from me and my mother (who lives in the same home). I found out that she was not in recovery as she'd led me to believe when we first met. In fact she had almost a year sober... but 4 years ago.
She eventually stopped using opiates but switched to alcohol. Its not that she drinks and things get broken but its her compulsion to drink that wreaks havoc. She moved out in Feb to a sober living house, but it wasn't structured enough and after the first 30 days she figured out no one was going to bust her for not going to AA so she quit. I allowed her to move back in although I knew without her working a program, we would end up at square one soon.
Every family trip (I have a 7 year old son) has been affected by her addiction. Our most recent trip to a theme park was sullied b/c she left the park, didn't answer her phone for 2 hours. I found out later she went across the road to a bar. She recently relapsed to pills and stole pills from someone outside the family. She then stole my medications. She knows that I'm about at my wits end with the cycle and she recognizes that she's been "dry drunking" it unsuccessfully. So she enrolled in IOP while on wait list for a 90 day residential program. She started on a Tuesday and was offered a bed the next day. It was quite sudden with no time to prepare; she literally had to pack and go. Since then I have had little contact with her. I don't know what the rules are there, I don't know anything about the program or if I'll be included at all. They're new so the website is "under construction". She called today crying and said she lost her phone time but was allowed to call my son (its a women's program and they're a little more flexible with kids). I wasn't able to really talk with her about family night, why she lost her time or if she was going to get it back.
I'm not sure what the rules are of these types of programs. I've been with other alcoholics/addicts but none that have gone into recovery. I've had a very hard day not knowing if or when I'll be able to speak with her. It was hard to hear her cry and sound so despondent today and I'm a little afraid she might AWOL. I can only hope that the professionals there have seen it a billion times and can guide her through this.
If anyone has made it to the end of this long post, congratulations on your persistence and I appreciate it. While I'm grateful for her opportunity to really focus on her sobriety and I understand the concept of separating the addict so she can do that, everything happened so rapidly I didn't have any opportunity to find out what happens next. I think I will be more at peace if I knew *something* about this process rather than the way I feel now. Thanks again...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....
You'll get more information about the program as time goes on....so don't worry. If she goes AWOL, there's nothing you can do about it. I do hope your partner stays in the program and I hope that the rehab she's in has a great family program. If they do, I hope you take advantage of it!
If you've been lurking a while, you are already aware that we are very big on self care around here. While you have this time apart, it gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself. Many of us tend to focus all of our energy on the addict and we lose focus on our own needs.
To pass the time while she's in rehab, I might suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie or begin attending Alanon or Naranon meetings. Being able to speak the language of recovery will help you tremendously and it will also help you to understand what your partner is dealing with as well.
gentle hugs
ke
You'll get more information about the program as time goes on....so don't worry. If she goes AWOL, there's nothing you can do about it. I do hope your partner stays in the program and I hope that the rehab she's in has a great family program. If they do, I hope you take advantage of it!
If you've been lurking a while, you are already aware that we are very big on self care around here. While you have this time apart, it gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself. Many of us tend to focus all of our energy on the addict and we lose focus on our own needs.
To pass the time while she's in rehab, I might suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie or begin attending Alanon or Naranon meetings. Being able to speak the language of recovery will help you tremendously and it will also help you to understand what your partner is dealing with as well.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Thanks for the words.. I have read the book though its been awhile and it would be a good re-read. I do think Al Anon is a good idea because I know I need to be on strong footing if she does make that call begging me to pick her up from rehab.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
She probably is emotionally all over the place. Try not to overthink it. I was sort of where you were at about 10 months ago but I just had to learn to live my life as he worked his program.
It is overwhelming and emotionally draining because you don't know but she is in an environment that is full of professionals who know how to handle what she is going through.
As she learns better coping skills, hopefully she will come to you calm and be pleased with her program.
Have faith!
It is overwhelming and emotionally draining because you don't know but she is in an environment that is full of professionals who know how to handle what she is going through.
As she learns better coping skills, hopefully she will come to you calm and be pleased with her program.
Have faith!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
Well, I'm not sure how much help I can be since I'm back in the thick of it, but I think there were a few things I did right 5 years ago when my husband went to rehab.
While I think what you are feeling is natural (any time a loved one is whisked off into the care of doctors we want to know what's going on and what we can do to help and to prepare), I don't think knowing all those details are going to be helpful. Looking back, one of the things I think I did right last time around was to 'love from a distance' and start planning a future that didn't involve him.
I talked to a lawyer about custody issues (just in case), I worked out a budget without his income, I sought support for myself from my family - I had previously kept his problems/our problems secret from them because I didn't want them to hate him. I told them everything, and they gave me perspective. I made life changes that benefited me and my child.
I mentally and emotionally prepared myself to continue my life without him in it. I made myself okay with it, pictured happy times without him. I looked for the things I enjoyed about not having him around. I enjoyed the peace, I enjoyed knowing what I was coming home to everyday, I enjoyed going out and doing things without begging him to join me.
His recovery was something he had to do to get the life he wanted. It was not something I had to make happen in order to get the life I wanted.
While I think what you are feeling is natural (any time a loved one is whisked off into the care of doctors we want to know what's going on and what we can do to help and to prepare), I don't think knowing all those details are going to be helpful. Looking back, one of the things I think I did right last time around was to 'love from a distance' and start planning a future that didn't involve him.
I talked to a lawyer about custody issues (just in case), I worked out a budget without his income, I sought support for myself from my family - I had previously kept his problems/our problems secret from them because I didn't want them to hate him. I told them everything, and they gave me perspective. I made life changes that benefited me and my child.
I mentally and emotionally prepared myself to continue my life without him in it. I made myself okay with it, pictured happy times without him. I looked for the things I enjoyed about not having him around. I enjoyed the peace, I enjoyed knowing what I was coming home to everyday, I enjoyed going out and doing things without begging him to join me.
His recovery was something he had to do to get the life he wanted. It was not something I had to make happen in order to get the life I wanted.
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