Slipping

Old 05-12-2011, 06:50 AM
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Slipping

I think I am slipping. I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to detach with love. I want my old life back. I hurt so bad from the things AH did to me personally while he was using. I hurt because I do not believe he is working his recovery the way he needs to. He appears to just be doing it half-assed, as though refraining from using drugs is the only issue here. I felt better for a few days and now the last few days have been terrible. I don't feel like I am doing anything right and I have so much despair about my future. I don't deserve this. I want to be angry again because when I am angry then it is easier to move on.

I keep holding on to this hope, like when I told AH he had to find another job if he ever wanted me to trust him again because there is no way for me to trust him there. And the next day he went to the job fair in our
City. Wow, I thought. Maybe he really does want to make things better. And the fact that when I talked with him about me not being ready
To work on us and why. I expected excuses and blame being
Thrown at me. But all he said was that he knew it was all his fault. I thought, geez, that is a good sign right? He is coming around. I just don't know why I can't let go. I dont feel like I am doing well right now at all.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by meggie122 View Post
I don't want to detach with love.
The alternative is to remain codependent and dysfunctional.

Detachment is separation of identities, not lives.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:32 AM
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Meggie

First Breath.......I know what you are feeling. My ah is working his program. Not the way I think it should be worked, but that's not my decision. I just make suggestions. And as they don't work, he learns another lesson & moves closer to what I think he should be doing in recovery.

Unless you are in danger, work your program. Take care of yourself. Take your time. Let this wave of confusion & despair wash over you & don't do anything drastic. Its day by day & lot's of rollercoaster emotions.

I can only speak for myself. I have mourned the life we used to have. Even if he gets in full recovery, it will be different. But I am keeping hope that this new life will be better or just as good. Just different. It has to be. We have changed & have been through a lot.

I know that the counseling we have already had makes us communicate more. That I am realizing I have to be able to be happy with or with out him.
All that is good.

Wishing I could give you a hug.
But don't fight your feelings, but don't let them take over either.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:48 AM
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I have been trying to start working a program. Counseling. Reading codependent no more. naranon meets on Monday's and I plan to get a sponsor. I mourned my life and relationship once I realized everything he has done to hurt me personally the last year and a half. I felt better for a few days. Now I feel so weak. I don't know how to detach just my emotions. I would think marriage is about trust and closeness.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:01 AM
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>>I felt better for a few days. Now I feel so weak.<<

I think you may be expecting detachment to happen quickly. It doesn't. It takes different times for different people. But it almost never happens just because you want it. That's a rational or intelligent decision. But the heart isn't troubled by rationale. And the heart is part of the decision.

Give it time. Be patient with yourself.

Hugs.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by meggie122 View Post
I don't know how to detach just my emotions. I would think marriage is about trust and closeness.
Detachment is about identity. The emotional roller coaster we feel is from replacing our own identity, thoughts and emotions, with others. When we begin to reclaim our own identities, many experience emotional upheaval again because they no longer know who they are, how they feel, what they want.

I told Callie one time that if it doesn't hurt, she wasn't doing it right. It's supposed to feel like hell when we're breaking a deeply ingrained bad habit.

I'm married, going on 27 years. My identity is separate from my husbands. My personal identity and emotional well being does not depend or revolve around how he is doing, and the same goes for him regarding me. He is not the center of my universe nor am I his.

However, before detaching my identity from my RAD's, she was the center of my universe. How I was doing depended on how she was doing. That is the epitome of dysfunction and codependency.

My Higher Power is the center of my universe these days

meggie, I'm sharing a link with you about boundaries. The first section is about healthy ones. For me, healthy boundaries and detachment go hand in hand

http://www.health.msstate.edu/scs/pd...boundaries.pdf
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:17 AM
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Chino- Thanks for the link. That better defines what boundaries are and how to set mine. Thanks everyone. I feel uplifted. I will keep working on me.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:24 AM
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Have you tried writing down a list of your personal values and boundaries (the things that you will and will not accept in your life)? And then take those values, and write a list of how those values and boundaries will guide your actions. It's about what we will and will not compromise.

For example you said that marriage is about trust. That is a value.

I value TRUST in a relationship.

That can translate into a boundary. Which would have a consequence if it is violated.

For example:

I value HONESTY AND TRUST. I will not lie to others, even if the truth is difficult, and I will not accept lies from the people who are suppose to love me and whom I love in return. I will distance myself from them physically and spend my time with people who are honest.

When I did the exercise of writing down my personal values, boundaries and consequences, it was amazing to me the extent to which the way I was living was violating everything that was important to me. It was no wonder that I was miserable. I wasn't being true to the things that really mattered to me in life. I was living in a fantasy world. And the reality of who I was really hurt.
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Old 05-13-2011, 05:08 PM
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I want my old life back. - That was the hardest part for me...letting go of the fairytale. I had to let go of all the dreams and ambitions I had for me and my exah. It was so difficult to do...and truth be told, over a year later, still is. Because although we are no longer married, we have twin daughters together. And sometimes I'll see him and wonder if he's sober now...and if we can pick up where we left off. But thanks to working on my own recovery, I quickly wipe those thoughts from my mind. Because regardless of whether he is sober or not, we could never pick up where we left off...its not possible. I don't even let myself think of a someday with him...I'm not healthy yet...but I'm working on it. So I just enjoy being at peace with myself finally...that's the new life I'm giving myself.

I wish you the best!!!
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Old 05-13-2011, 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
.

I'm married, going on 27 years. My identity is separate from my husbands. My personal identity and emotional well being does not depend or revolve around how he is doing, and the same goes for him regarding me. He is not the center of my universe nor am I his.

However, before detaching my identity from my RAD's, she was the center of my universe. How I was doing depended on how she was doing. That is the epitome of dysfunction and codependency.
This was me. I continue to read/post here so I don't fall back into old patterns.
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