Depression in detachment
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
Depression in detachment
Today was my wedding anniversary, and I could barely make it out of bed. I felt so bad for my husband, cuz I totally just ruined our anniversary. I am going thru the beginning stages of detaching from my family of origin. I had a good day yesterday- was really positive and believing that God is working behind the scenes on my family's behalf. But today, I think I was depressed. Even my body felt so heavy.
I have been going thru so many different emotions....ugh. Andi it sux becuz now I know my family really is dysfunctional...so does that make me dysfunctional, too? Is their some kind of personality disorder lying dormant within me just waiting to pop out because of the environment I grew up in?
I cry on and off. I'm having to detach from my whole family of origin. It's just crazy. I hate that this is the only option, but I can't bare to be around them. I feel sick to my stomach just considering it. And my poor mom. Am I really doing this??? Am I really detaching from my mom?
I have been going thru so many different emotions....ugh. Andi it sux becuz now I know my family really is dysfunctional...so does that make me dysfunctional, too? Is their some kind of personality disorder lying dormant within me just waiting to pop out because of the environment I grew up in?
I cry on and off. I'm having to detach from my whole family of origin. It's just crazy. I hate that this is the only option, but I can't bare to be around them. I feel sick to my stomach just considering it. And my poor mom. Am I really doing this??? Am I really detaching from my mom?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
I just keep reminding myself that my husband and I deserve sanity and a home full of peace and wholeness. We don't have kids yet, but I find myself thinking of the future and how when we do have kids I want them brought up in a healthy environment.
I think I still have codepedent traits struggling within me-especially with my mom. I keep wanting to rescue her from the environment. I didn't even realize how much of that was still in me.
I think I still have codepedent traits struggling within me-especially with my mom. I keep wanting to rescue her from the environment. I didn't even realize how much of that was still in me.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The negative consequences of dysfunction and learned codependent behaviors are what eventually lead some people to detach their identities from others. Codependency is not a disorder but it's the gateway to personality and identity disorders.
I'm 47 years old and these life long learned behaviors of mine have been a real PITA to break. Detaching and no contact are two separate things, and many people need NC to detach. Just like how most addicts need to remove themselves from their environment and drug of choice to break the addiction. Just like a recovering addict, many recovering codies will need a lifelong recovery program to stay clean.
I can't remember if you're working a program? If not, please give it strong consideration. Work the program you wish the addict and other codies would. It's a process and it only happens one day at a time. There's light at the end of the tunnel, though I never would have believed it a few years ago
I'm 47 years old and these life long learned behaviors of mine have been a real PITA to break. Detaching and no contact are two separate things, and many people need NC to detach. Just like how most addicts need to remove themselves from their environment and drug of choice to break the addiction. Just like a recovering addict, many recovering codies will need a lifelong recovery program to stay clean.
I can't remember if you're working a program? If not, please give it strong consideration. Work the program you wish the addict and other codies would. It's a process and it only happens one day at a time. There's light at the end of the tunnel, though I never would have believed it a few years ago
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm sorry that your wedding anniversary was overshadowed by the grief you are experiencing due to your dysfunctional family issues. We all have bad days sometimes but often the difference between a bad day and a good day....is just one day.
There is a process of grieving that we go through when we detach. We realize that we are powerless over all of those other people and that we can only control ourselves. We have to let go of the illusion that we are powerful enough to help them. And it's natural to grieve......we just can't let that grief take over our lives.
I find great strength through Alanon/Naranon and the literature and support I find there. I am working the program that I wish my addicted son would work. I can't make him recover from his addiction but I CAN recover from my addiction to my son. I can stop obsessively worrying. I can let go of him and leave him in God's capable hands. I can accept that I cannot tell the future and the future can surprise me.
Focusing on ourselves is a primary concept with detachment and recovery. When we begin to focus on our own lives and the things we need to improve in ourselves, it's a full time job. We no longer have time to worry about or try to change others. We find serenity in accepting those things that we cannot change, we find courage to change those things we can, and we gain wisdom so that we can understand the difference.
gentle hugs
ke
There is a process of grieving that we go through when we detach. We realize that we are powerless over all of those other people and that we can only control ourselves. We have to let go of the illusion that we are powerful enough to help them. And it's natural to grieve......we just can't let that grief take over our lives.
I find great strength through Alanon/Naranon and the literature and support I find there. I am working the program that I wish my addicted son would work. I can't make him recover from his addiction but I CAN recover from my addiction to my son. I can stop obsessively worrying. I can let go of him and leave him in God's capable hands. I can accept that I cannot tell the future and the future can surprise me.
Focusing on ourselves is a primary concept with detachment and recovery. When we begin to focus on our own lives and the things we need to improve in ourselves, it's a full time job. We no longer have time to worry about or try to change others. We find serenity in accepting those things that we cannot change, we find courage to change those things we can, and we gain wisdom so that we can understand the difference.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Lokicat......
As far as ruining your anniversary. It is just a day. The great thing is you realized what you were doing. It can be made up. An acknowledgement to ur H
& planning a special night, lunch etc. It's about communicating with him & letting him know you are working on it & u want to celebrate your love.
As far as the disfunctional person lurking inside you. Maybe, but you are seeing it & you are willing to work on it. You can't change the past only the future. But you do have to acknowledge & change the coping mechanisms you were taught as a child, etc....
I agree with the NC vs detachment. If you can't detach then you have to go NC. My husband just cant deal with his ab. Any contact with him sends him into an emotional tailspin & he finally recognizes that. So for now its NC.
If you can have contact with your mother & any time the "quacking" starts you either say no & hang up/walk away. She will get the message. If she doesn't then you won't be talking to her. If she does get the message then she can have a relationship that is healthy for you & your family.
I love the phrase....You teach people how to treat you. This has been a game changer in my life.
For years I have wondered why people always walk all over me. Why when I say No it doesn't carry any weight. Until I learned this concept.
I have 4 children. My mother died when I was 7. I do not like Mother's day. (I also am not big on Holidays in general, they all seem to contrived 4 ppl to just spend $, instead of just communicating) It was always a huge deal that I was not a part of: from school crafts, to church services, etc... everybody was celebrating something I did not have.
My children now 16-26 have learned that. They barely acknowledge the day. My husband used to buy me things & I just gave a pitiful thanks.
This year at the end of the day, my husband had said Happy mothers day. I didn't even hear from my two older children, they were both busy with friends. My third son handed me a gift & ran out the door to spend the day with his fiance's family. (The gift was really from her). My 4th son came layed down on the bed with me & held my hand while watching TV for 30 min.
As I started to have a pity party about being ignored on Mothers day by my children & spouse, I quickly realized I taught them that. And it was ok. They love me. They tell me almost everyday. We have great relationships. They were just giving me the space that I have asked for. Pity party averted. I was wanting to whine about something I've told them for 26 yrs I don't want.
My reason for this story is when you can't figure out why someone keeps treating you in a certain way. Really look at the situation & see how you react. Are you teaching them that behavior torwards you. If it's not OK change it. If it is really what you want recognize it & own it.
Keep working the program & working on you. That is all you can control!
As far as ruining your anniversary. It is just a day. The great thing is you realized what you were doing. It can be made up. An acknowledgement to ur H
& planning a special night, lunch etc. It's about communicating with him & letting him know you are working on it & u want to celebrate your love.
As far as the disfunctional person lurking inside you. Maybe, but you are seeing it & you are willing to work on it. You can't change the past only the future. But you do have to acknowledge & change the coping mechanisms you were taught as a child, etc....
I agree with the NC vs detachment. If you can't detach then you have to go NC. My husband just cant deal with his ab. Any contact with him sends him into an emotional tailspin & he finally recognizes that. So for now its NC.
If you can have contact with your mother & any time the "quacking" starts you either say no & hang up/walk away. She will get the message. If she doesn't then you won't be talking to her. If she does get the message then she can have a relationship that is healthy for you & your family.
I love the phrase....You teach people how to treat you. This has been a game changer in my life.
For years I have wondered why people always walk all over me. Why when I say No it doesn't carry any weight. Until I learned this concept.
I have 4 children. My mother died when I was 7. I do not like Mother's day. (I also am not big on Holidays in general, they all seem to contrived 4 ppl to just spend $, instead of just communicating) It was always a huge deal that I was not a part of: from school crafts, to church services, etc... everybody was celebrating something I did not have.
My children now 16-26 have learned that. They barely acknowledge the day. My husband used to buy me things & I just gave a pitiful thanks.
This year at the end of the day, my husband had said Happy mothers day. I didn't even hear from my two older children, they were both busy with friends. My third son handed me a gift & ran out the door to spend the day with his fiance's family. (The gift was really from her). My 4th son came layed down on the bed with me & held my hand while watching TV for 30 min.
As I started to have a pity party about being ignored on Mothers day by my children & spouse, I quickly realized I taught them that. And it was ok. They love me. They tell me almost everyday. We have great relationships. They were just giving me the space that I have asked for. Pity party averted. I was wanting to whine about something I've told them for 26 yrs I don't want.
My reason for this story is when you can't figure out why someone keeps treating you in a certain way. Really look at the situation & see how you react. Are you teaching them that behavior torwards you. If it's not OK change it. If it is really what you want recognize it & own it.
Keep working the program & working on you. That is all you can control!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I've started reading Melody Beattie's book Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps. It is very good and I know I will be using it to help me heal from my family of origin issues. I can already see patterns in my life that have been the result of how I was raised and how 'not living to my full potential' needs to be reversed. I need to heal and learn to love and respect myself on a consistent basis.
Good luck Lokicat
Good luck Lokicat
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((LokiCat))))
I'm a little late...I"m glad today was better.
My family of origin is kind of messed up too. I love them all very much but the whole boundary thing that I learned in dealing with my exah works with them too. Its okay to have boundaries. It's okay to detach. It doesn't mean you don't love them. You just have to find ways to connect with them that fall within your comfort zone.
I know its not easy. Sending hugs and i hope tomorrow is a great one...
Mary
I'm a little late...I"m glad today was better.
My family of origin is kind of messed up too. I love them all very much but the whole boundary thing that I learned in dealing with my exah works with them too. Its okay to have boundaries. It's okay to detach. It doesn't mean you don't love them. You just have to find ways to connect with them that fall within your comfort zone.
I know its not easy. Sending hugs and i hope tomorrow is a great one...
Mary
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