Is this enabling?

Old 05-10-2011, 08:28 AM
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Is this enabling?

I moved out two weeks ago because it was financially cheaper for me and our son to stay with my parents. at first I didn't expect it to be long-term separation, but realize now I am not ready to jump back into anything, even though he is staying clean so far. Anyway, bills were already tight due in part to his spending habits, motorcycle insurance, mortgage, etc. He is paying $350/ month for his methadone clinic and I am paying $200/month for counseling. His insurance won't kick in until he reaches $1000 deductibe, then just 50%. He tried to get a forebearance on his student loans but he makes too much money to qualify. He gets paid salary, but is trying to do extra things like clean the office for additional money. But we just don't have enough to make ends meet. Should i pull away financially from him? I just don't know if that is necessary or not. Like I said, he is making an effort at getting clean. It is just an effort and only time will tell if he does the real hard work at recovery. He is supposed to go to rehab when he is ready to taper off the methadone and that too will cost thousands of dollars since his insurance will only pay 50% of it. I just don't know what to do or if I am enabling him. We have always paid everything together and as far as our relationship I have just left it at he has to get better and work towards building trust and proving to me that I can trust him before we can continue our relationship. It is just too early to tell how hard he is working at getting better.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:47 AM
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So sorry to hear you are going through this. I think the answer to your question depends on where your relationship is. If you are separated or divorced, you don't owe him a thing. If you are married, what you owe depends on what you want out of the relationship (as well as state law if you seek divorce).
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:53 AM
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We are married, i just moved out so i could deal with things better and so that he could get his stuff together. I am not really wanting to go through any legal separation or divorce at this time, so really if I pulled away financially everything could still fall on me (mortgage, car loan, everything except his student loans).
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:38 PM
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It sounds like everything falls on you anyway... sounds like he's got it made. All he has to do is make an effort at recovery and you are willing to take responsibility for all his expenses... but the crux of recovery is that recovery means we start taking responsibility for ourselves.

Tough choices you are facing. Have you written down any of your personal boundaries? One of mine is that I will not financially support someone who is physically capable and old enough to take care of his own needs. Another of mine is that I value hard work, therefore I will not enable someone to be irresponsible by supporting them. (Not saying your husband is capable or uncapable of doing more to support himself and his family... only you can decide where your boundaries lie.)
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Old 05-10-2011, 07:06 PM
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it's tricky. but i think you pay for what you and your children need -- food, shelter, etc. and let his chips fall where they may. he can clean the office, get a second real job, a payment plan, or whatever he decides he needs to do. it's his mess to clean up, not yours. i think anyway...
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:31 PM
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I reached a similar point long before I legally separated from my husband. We had always shared financial responsibilities, joint accts, etc. But I was paying the emotional stress price of bills being behind and couldn't do it anymore. Because almost all of our accounts were legally binding to me, as well as him, I chose to strategically separate our bills - i.e. I took anything that would affect credit, or had my name on it and gave him all the other stuff, with one exception...my car payment, which we only had about 6 more months to pay. This worked for me. It took the stress edge off cause I always knew I could cover my share easily, and it made him accountable for his part. If the electric was cut off, that was his issue to deal with...and it happened! If the phone or satellite cut off, so be it...they were all in his name.

Now we are legally separated and I am so thankful that I took that step because I saved my credit in the process! Not that I care really, as I have no money to buy anything at the moment. But if/when the time comes for me to sell our house and move elsewhere, I at least have credit to do so.

Good luck deciding what to do. None of it is easy.
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