worried & frustrated AS old patterns back
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Justfor1..thank you. Prison will not be the answer for my son. he is already hardened enough from doing county time. He is still young and if he can get it together and complete this program the way he should he will get his case dismissed.
As for the programs you know about that don't permit work/school...are they outpatient?
The fact that there has to be legal consequences if I was to talk to his counselors in many ways interferes with his progress. I'm trying to encourage him to seek help on his own. Problem is, if he admits to what he's doing to his counselors, they'll just send him back to jail. I don't know what to so.
thanks for your response.
As for the programs you know about that don't permit work/school...are they outpatient?
The fact that there has to be legal consequences if I was to talk to his counselors in many ways interferes with his progress. I'm trying to encourage him to seek help on his own. Problem is, if he admits to what he's doing to his counselors, they'll just send him back to jail. I don't know what to so.
thanks for your response.
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Tbeit....thanks. I appreciate what you're saying. I know this site is apparently to help the parents and family members of addicts. I guess I still want to know what I can do to help my son. I know he has to choose not to use. Just, so many here have advised that the only thing to do is tell him to leave and render him homeless. I don't believe that really helps. It just makes people use more and continue the cycle.
I'm a little gun shy of alanon is their take is to just tell me to throw him out too.
I know, deep down, there is little I can do. I can give him less money for bus fare and make him walk, maybe next month a bus pass. the fact is, that he'll just wind up panhandling and dealing to get money, especially since they won't let him work. I'm mad the program doesn't even address the issue of money management with him and help him with that. It's all on me to address the issues.
I'm a little gun shy of alanon is their take is to just tell me to throw him out too.
I know, deep down, there is little I can do. I can give him less money for bus fare and make him walk, maybe next month a bus pass. the fact is, that he'll just wind up panhandling and dealing to get money, especially since they won't let him work. I'm mad the program doesn't even address the issue of money management with him and help him with that. It's all on me to address the issues.
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Originally Posted by vaya 
out to lunch...do you have children, and particularly addict children?
I nearly bankrupted myself financially, physically and emotionally trying to control her addiction.
Accepting I was powerless over her and her choices was the most humbling experience of my life.
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What does it mean to not stand in the way of natural consequences??
I think my son needs re-conditioning and to learn a new way of thinking. He hasn't gotten that yet and still falls back on his old habits and 'stinkin thinkin'.
He's pretty close to wanting to use heroin again and I would like to think there's something I can do to help him from crossing that threshold. Isn't there?
I think my son needs re-conditioning and to learn a new way of thinking. He hasn't gotten that yet and still falls back on his old habits and 'stinkin thinkin'.
He's pretty close to wanting to use heroin again and I would like to think there's something I can do to help him from crossing that threshold. Isn't there?
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Originally Posted by vaya
Justfor1..thank you. Prison will not be the answer for my son. he is already hardened enough from doing county time. He is still young and if he can get it together and complete this program the way he should he will get his case dismissed.
That's his choice.
The fact that there has to be legal consequences if I was to talk to his counselors in many ways interferes with his progress.
Actually, it's his lousy choices that interferes with his progress.
I'm trying to ........
That's his choice.
The fact that there has to be legal consequences if I was to talk to his counselors in many ways interferes with his progress.
Actually, it's his lousy choices that interferes with his progress.
I'm trying to ........
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Originally Posted by vaya
He's pretty close to wanting to use heroin again and I would like to think there's something I can do to help him from crossing that threshold. Isn't there?
Actually, no.
There is nothing you can do to prevent or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
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Originally Posted by vaya
It's all on me to address the issues.
We moms of dope addicts take the "Helicopter Mom" thing to new levels.
He's responsible for his recovery. We can't do it for them.
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thank you OTL..what you say makes sense about accepting your powerlessness. Just, I don't know what to do to get through today. Hoped he'd go to his girlfriends for the night like he usually does, which would buy me a day and a half and then maybe we could figure something out on Monday. Unfortunately, he chose not to go see her. I think he used the money I gave him to get there to seek out more stuff instead.
I'm not sure he's willing to take an honest look at what he's doing. I think the addict in him is still calling all the shots. It's especially hard since we all (3 of us) live in one room now and there's nowhere I or he can go.
Now he wants to go see his girlfriend, but he blew the bus fare, plus, I already gave him. he's asking me for $1.50 to get there, but I told him I don't have it. I already gave him $12 and a bus token to get there and back and have some money for cigarettes, but he chose to go elsewhere to get more stuff. What do I do?
I'm not sure he's willing to take an honest look at what he's doing. I think the addict in him is still calling all the shots. It's especially hard since we all (3 of us) live in one room now and there's nowhere I or he can go.
Now he wants to go see his girlfriend, but he blew the bus fare, plus, I already gave him. he's asking me for $1.50 to get there, but I told him I don't have it. I already gave him $12 and a bus token to get there and back and have some money for cigarettes, but he chose to go elsewhere to get more stuff. What do I do?
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I really am grateful to all of you for your responses and for the fact that this site exists so I can post my concerns. This is frustrating because no one at the drug program or court has told me what the options are if this doesn't work out. I want to see if inpatient is still an option, but now it's harder to get him to commit to it.
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I'd be willing to bet that inpatient is still an option. I don't know his legal troubles but if his record isn't really bad his counselors could recommend that. Look your dealing with heroin addiction it's susceptible to relapse that's sometimes part of recovery.
The thing is you can't be that warm safe place as long as he is relapsing he needs to be a big boy. Pay for hisvown cigs and bus fair. If you do that for him why would he change.
Your a mom and sounds like a good one to me this is just bigger than that. I know it's hard and goes against all your momdom but he needs a little tough love. I'm not saying you can't love him and when you start making rules and consequences he may try to make you feel like you don't that will be the addiction talking.
If he can get over this hump and get real sobriety for a little while he will be thankful. It might be hell till then. That's why I always say alanon. The people there might seem a little commando but they have been through the ringer with their addict. Remember take what you need and leave the rest.
Good luck your getting there. Be kind to yourself today you deserve it
The thing is you can't be that warm safe place as long as he is relapsing he needs to be a big boy. Pay for hisvown cigs and bus fair. If you do that for him why would he change.
Your a mom and sounds like a good one to me this is just bigger than that. I know it's hard and goes against all your momdom but he needs a little tough love. I'm not saying you can't love him and when you start making rules and consequences he may try to make you feel like you don't that will be the addiction talking.
If he can get over this hump and get real sobriety for a little while he will be thankful. It might be hell till then. That's why I always say alanon. The people there might seem a little commando but they have been through the ringer with their addict. Remember take what you need and leave the rest.
Good luck your getting there. Be kind to yourself today you deserve it
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Hi Vaya,
I totally understand where you are at and where you are coming from. My son went through drug court, county rehab, jail, outpatient... His addiction was to prescription meds. He struggled with his addiction for 6 years. It's been the toughest 6 years of my life...and his. I went through so many emotions...I was angry, sad, concerned, frustrated, scared, just plain sick. He lived with me on and off. I have to say, in hindsight, all in all, all these things (rehab, outpatient, drug court, even jail) did help somewhat. It was gradual, but as a mom, I could see the little changes happening slowly. As much as my son hated all these things and said they weren't helping, it was obvious that some of it sunk into his head because I started noticing that he was not messed up every day like he was a few years ago. It was less and less. He was clean for several months before he started relapsing early this year. I noticed maybe 1 or 2 days out of the month he was using...not falling down messed up like the past, but slightly messed up nonetheless. He was really trying to improve his life though, in many ways. Unfortunately, in March, my son passed away. We believe from overdose, but will not be sure until we receive the toxicology report. All I know for sure is that he took Nyquil that night. Whatever else he may have had in his system is yet to be determined. However, methadone was found in his drawer. Methadone helps withdrawal symptoms without making you high. He may have had them to help himself get better. However, according to the ER doctor, Nyquil is very dangerous on it's own and especially when taken with any other type of meds.
Anyway, my point is that I know this is very difficult, and yes you have to do whatever you can do to keep yourself healthy and sane. Meditate, talk to people, do whatever to calm yourself so you don't get sick. But, I personally have never been one to disown my son or break off communication with him. I feel that everyone needs to know that they have at least one person in this world that loves them unconditionally and that they can talk to without being made to feel like they are a piece of crap. By "unconditionally" I do not mean accepting any bad behavior. To me it meant not breaking off communication, no matter what he did. I know others have different opinions about this. But I am very thankful that I did not detach from my son...you just have to try to detach mentally from the craziness that takes a toll on your health and sanity. You do what you can but it is true that it is ultimately up to them. If I would have cut my son out of my life or thrown him out to the streets, and he died, I don't think I would have been able to live with that. My son died here in my home, not out on the streets.
I know I'm kind of rambling here...sorry about that. But I guess I'm just trying to let you know that I know it is hard with your son living with you and all that you are going through. But I understand your concern and wanting to help. Everything you say I felt the same. The counselors and everyone involved...they don't care...not personally anyway. Not like you care. He's your son. Let him know, every day, that you love him and you are tough on him because you love him and want him to get better. After my son died a few people told me that he was trying so hard to get better and to improve his life, because he really wanted his mom to see him make it. A little love in their hearts gives them some hope, I think. I did lose my son in the end. But I know that he was finally really, really trying to get better. Good luck to you and your son. I will be praying for you.
Claudia
I totally understand where you are at and where you are coming from. My son went through drug court, county rehab, jail, outpatient... His addiction was to prescription meds. He struggled with his addiction for 6 years. It's been the toughest 6 years of my life...and his. I went through so many emotions...I was angry, sad, concerned, frustrated, scared, just plain sick. He lived with me on and off. I have to say, in hindsight, all in all, all these things (rehab, outpatient, drug court, even jail) did help somewhat. It was gradual, but as a mom, I could see the little changes happening slowly. As much as my son hated all these things and said they weren't helping, it was obvious that some of it sunk into his head because I started noticing that he was not messed up every day like he was a few years ago. It was less and less. He was clean for several months before he started relapsing early this year. I noticed maybe 1 or 2 days out of the month he was using...not falling down messed up like the past, but slightly messed up nonetheless. He was really trying to improve his life though, in many ways. Unfortunately, in March, my son passed away. We believe from overdose, but will not be sure until we receive the toxicology report. All I know for sure is that he took Nyquil that night. Whatever else he may have had in his system is yet to be determined. However, methadone was found in his drawer. Methadone helps withdrawal symptoms without making you high. He may have had them to help himself get better. However, according to the ER doctor, Nyquil is very dangerous on it's own and especially when taken with any other type of meds.
Anyway, my point is that I know this is very difficult, and yes you have to do whatever you can do to keep yourself healthy and sane. Meditate, talk to people, do whatever to calm yourself so you don't get sick. But, I personally have never been one to disown my son or break off communication with him. I feel that everyone needs to know that they have at least one person in this world that loves them unconditionally and that they can talk to without being made to feel like they are a piece of crap. By "unconditionally" I do not mean accepting any bad behavior. To me it meant not breaking off communication, no matter what he did. I know others have different opinions about this. But I am very thankful that I did not detach from my son...you just have to try to detach mentally from the craziness that takes a toll on your health and sanity. You do what you can but it is true that it is ultimately up to them. If I would have cut my son out of my life or thrown him out to the streets, and he died, I don't think I would have been able to live with that. My son died here in my home, not out on the streets.
I know I'm kind of rambling here...sorry about that. But I guess I'm just trying to let you know that I know it is hard with your son living with you and all that you are going through. But I understand your concern and wanting to help. Everything you say I felt the same. The counselors and everyone involved...they don't care...not personally anyway. Not like you care. He's your son. Let him know, every day, that you love him and you are tough on him because you love him and want him to get better. After my son died a few people told me that he was trying so hard to get better and to improve his life, because he really wanted his mom to see him make it. A little love in their hearts gives them some hope, I think. I did lose my son in the end. But I know that he was finally really, really trying to get better. Good luck to you and your son. I will be praying for you.
Claudia
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tbeit...I agree he should pay for his own bus fare and cigs, but the program won't let him work. He did get General Assistance to help, but blew it all in 6 days. Before that I was helping him with transportation and cigs. The program doesnt really address how he'll mangage in outpatient without a job. Guess they just assume family will help. That's why I encouraged him to get the GR. Now he's blown it and still has to show up to test, group, and meetings every day, and sometimes more, without any money. I'll probably make him walk there in the beginning, but it is about 2 miles away.He says he can get tokens from the rehab place, so we'll have to see. I don't want him trying to get money illegally either. I may wind up getting him a limited bus pass and let him figure out what to do about the rest. He doesn't see that he's created the same situation for himself as he did with heroin. It's like that's all he knows. I know I can't control his using, but if I can intervene to prevent him from going back to heroin and maybe seeing if inpatient is an option, I will.
I hear what you're saying and see your point. I'm just so frustrated with the rehab program for being so uncommunicative. At least his last rehab place still sends me ads for upcoming events and opportunities to make donations to them. This place has never even sent anything or even called to verify that he is in fact staying here. That's why I need to get some straight answers from them and see what the options are and how it works.
Thank you for your feedback.
I hear what you're saying and see your point. I'm just so frustrated with the rehab program for being so uncommunicative. At least his last rehab place still sends me ads for upcoming events and opportunities to make donations to them. This place has never even sent anything or even called to verify that he is in fact staying here. That's why I need to get some straight answers from them and see what the options are and how it works.
Thank you for your feedback.
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Sunrise....I am so sorry about your son and my prayers go out for you and him. I really do appreciate your opinion about things. I too believe that my son needs to know I am there for him and love him. However, I try to balance that with not enabling him and being the voice of reality. I don't feel throwing him into the streets is really the answer. he's been through that before with his dad and last time he was with me he had to go elsewhere, and was fortunate to stay with his girlfriend for a while. If an addict hasn't gotten it yet after living in the streets and being in jail I don't know that sending him out would help any. It just seems to reinforce his notion that he's no good and isn't loved and perpetuates his using.
There is no easy answer and we all have to find our way and figure out what we're comfortable with. it is a bummer that I can't just tell his counselors what's going on, nor can he, without fearing the consequence that he'll go back to jail, and possibly to prison as originally sentenced. If he can't confide in his counselor without fear of imprisonment, than who can he talk to? I have encouraged him to go to meetings and share and find a sponsor to talk to. At least he won't have to worry about going back to jail if he's willing to be honest about things.
I am glad you shared what you did and I am so glad you were with your son when he passed and continued to let him know he was loved. I am so very sorry for your loss.
There is no easy answer and we all have to find our way and figure out what we're comfortable with. it is a bummer that I can't just tell his counselors what's going on, nor can he, without fearing the consequence that he'll go back to jail, and possibly to prison as originally sentenced. If he can't confide in his counselor without fear of imprisonment, than who can he talk to? I have encouraged him to go to meetings and share and find a sponsor to talk to. At least he won't have to worry about going back to jail if he's willing to be honest about things.
I am glad you shared what you did and I am so glad you were with your son when he passed and continued to let him know he was loved. I am so very sorry for your loss.
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Vaya, I also tried for so many years to save my son and believed that I would succeed if only he could know just how much he is loved. I had no contact with other parents of addicts at the time. Some friends would tell me that they thought a 24-year old man should be able to make his own living, rather than living with and off me. I ignored them and just thought they didn't know what it was like to have an AS.
I used to think with enough time and love he would "find himself" and come right. I always thought that by the time he was 25, he would miraculously have found his way back to normality. Well 25 came and he was worse than ever. At the back of my mind there was the worry of having a 30-year old son living with me. And a 40-year old son. And a 50-year old son, as addicted and worse than ever.
I believed my HP finally gave me a number of rude awakenings within a 2-week period. It changed my thinking totally and I suddenly knew with certainty what a disfavour I have done him by allowing him to continue his lifestyle under my roof. I asked him to leave and he agreed. Within 2 hours he came begging to stay again and it was very difficult but I stood my ground.
Nothing anyone said to me before would have made me change my mind. I had to find my own rock bottom to have the clarity to see that I was not helping my son AT ALL. My only regret today is that I enabled him for so very long.
He went to live with his girlfriend for almost a year. Even though I knew she took over the enabling, part of me was grateful that he had a roof over his head. When they broke up, I knew that he would finally have to face the reality of his life and start to take responsibility. I have a sense that there may be hope for him for the first time in many years. I may of course be wrong about that.
We think we can protect our children by keeping them under our roof. Read the archives and see how untrue that is.
We think we can save our children by loving them enough so we can fill the hole in their hearts in stead of their drugs. I now know that it is impossible and that my son knows how much I love him anyway.
We think that if only we can blame some external person or situation, we can fix that and in the process fix our children. Unfortunately there is no one out there to blame, just like we cannot blame ourselves.
Addiction is an ugly disease and unless the addict decides to fight it with everything they have, they will remain addicts. I pray for all our children to reach this stage, sooner rather than later.
I used to think with enough time and love he would "find himself" and come right. I always thought that by the time he was 25, he would miraculously have found his way back to normality. Well 25 came and he was worse than ever. At the back of my mind there was the worry of having a 30-year old son living with me. And a 40-year old son. And a 50-year old son, as addicted and worse than ever.
I believed my HP finally gave me a number of rude awakenings within a 2-week period. It changed my thinking totally and I suddenly knew with certainty what a disfavour I have done him by allowing him to continue his lifestyle under my roof. I asked him to leave and he agreed. Within 2 hours he came begging to stay again and it was very difficult but I stood my ground.
Nothing anyone said to me before would have made me change my mind. I had to find my own rock bottom to have the clarity to see that I was not helping my son AT ALL. My only regret today is that I enabled him for so very long.
He went to live with his girlfriend for almost a year. Even though I knew she took over the enabling, part of me was grateful that he had a roof over his head. When they broke up, I knew that he would finally have to face the reality of his life and start to take responsibility. I have a sense that there may be hope for him for the first time in many years. I may of course be wrong about that.
We think we can protect our children by keeping them under our roof. Read the archives and see how untrue that is.
We think we can save our children by loving them enough so we can fill the hole in their hearts in stead of their drugs. I now know that it is impossible and that my son knows how much I love him anyway.
We think that if only we can blame some external person or situation, we can fix that and in the process fix our children. Unfortunately there is no one out there to blame, just like we cannot blame ourselves.
Addiction is an ugly disease and unless the addict decides to fight it with everything they have, they will remain addicts. I pray for all our children to reach this stage, sooner rather than later.
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