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chino and others answered
so i have a little time to write -maybe.
chino-
i hope i wasn't short with my answer. i'll be glad to explain what i see. since i was a kid i have been fascinated wit hurban ruins, which led to ruins in general. there are many reasons. it is like stepping into a time machine. when i get into old factories and steel mills its like stepping into history, but in a creepy way. some places look like they left work on night and the place shut down. there are all kinds of artifacts around. but there is something- excuse me for sounding corny here- but there is siomething to those places being a reflection of me. i've not lived a perfectly clean life and had felt my soul being eaten away due to bad habits and such. i see a beauty though in the ruins that connects with me on a deep deep level. the buildings feel alive. it really is something that is hard to put into words. they are like ghosts. i wish i knew how to post more pics.
anvil-i have always been fascinated by this stuff. i think my first things were going to old real factory outlets as a kid in the 70s and feeling how those places and things still felt like the 1880s - 1940s. i spent time with 2 of my great grandmothers so i was introduced to old stuff ata young age. driving through ghettos with my parents going go the zoo or coming back from somewhere. i saw a life that was different than mine. in high school one of the first places i would drive to after getting my license were bad parts of cities. i would just stare in awe at the old row homes and factories. eventually i got the nerve to get out and take pictures, but that wasn't enough as i found myself being lured to get a closer look and go inside.
i've been in old breweries, theaters, hotels, various factories, mansions, amusment parks, hospitals, schools, barns, farm houses, power plants. anything old and abandoned. why have i not shown this side you asked- been to depressed and caught up in other things.
rose-
don't jump the gun. i'm not there yet, maybe just a little. i still have lots of things i am holding on to and tryingto understand. doies she really love me? did she ever? why hasnt she called? then i have to deal with trying not to be concerned with that stuff.
babyblue-
i had stopped taking my anti-depressants for no good reason. that contributed to all the fighting and my losing it every day- which led to my current guilt for losing it with her. i feel bad for acting out that way on someone who has a serious problem. not that i wanted to get walked on instead, but i just feel bad yelling at someone when they are down. i have NEVER fouhgt with a gf like i did w her the past several weeks. i get this fear that she will hate or resent me for it. i shouldn't care. i know. but i do. i should also realize that people do not hate each other because of so,me fighting especially when it comes from a situation like this. as i said above, i am unsettled because i dont know what is true or not. i started my meds again and feel them helping. i still have the fantasy that things CAN be ok. that she can go thru rehab and therapy that we can be ok. i realize how far off that is and unlikely. i haveto get used to thinking that we are separate now
chino-
i hope i wasn't short with my answer. i'll be glad to explain what i see. since i was a kid i have been fascinated wit hurban ruins, which led to ruins in general. there are many reasons. it is like stepping into a time machine. when i get into old factories and steel mills its like stepping into history, but in a creepy way. some places look like they left work on night and the place shut down. there are all kinds of artifacts around. but there is something- excuse me for sounding corny here- but there is siomething to those places being a reflection of me. i've not lived a perfectly clean life and had felt my soul being eaten away due to bad habits and such. i see a beauty though in the ruins that connects with me on a deep deep level. the buildings feel alive. it really is something that is hard to put into words. they are like ghosts. i wish i knew how to post more pics.
anvil-i have always been fascinated by this stuff. i think my first things were going to old real factory outlets as a kid in the 70s and feeling how those places and things still felt like the 1880s - 1940s. i spent time with 2 of my great grandmothers so i was introduced to old stuff ata young age. driving through ghettos with my parents going go the zoo or coming back from somewhere. i saw a life that was different than mine. in high school one of the first places i would drive to after getting my license were bad parts of cities. i would just stare in awe at the old row homes and factories. eventually i got the nerve to get out and take pictures, but that wasn't enough as i found myself being lured to get a closer look and go inside.
i've been in old breweries, theaters, hotels, various factories, mansions, amusment parks, hospitals, schools, barns, farm houses, power plants. anything old and abandoned. why have i not shown this side you asked- been to depressed and caught up in other things.
rose-
don't jump the gun. i'm not there yet, maybe just a little. i still have lots of things i am holding on to and tryingto understand. doies she really love me? did she ever? why hasnt she called? then i have to deal with trying not to be concerned with that stuff.
babyblue-
i had stopped taking my anti-depressants for no good reason. that contributed to all the fighting and my losing it every day- which led to my current guilt for losing it with her. i feel bad for acting out that way on someone who has a serious problem. not that i wanted to get walked on instead, but i just feel bad yelling at someone when they are down. i have NEVER fouhgt with a gf like i did w her the past several weeks. i get this fear that she will hate or resent me for it. i shouldn't care. i know. but i do. i should also realize that people do not hate each other because of so,me fighting especially when it comes from a situation like this. as i said above, i am unsettled because i dont know what is true or not. i started my meds again and feel them helping. i still have the fantasy that things CAN be ok. that she can go thru rehab and therapy that we can be ok. i realize how far off that is and unlikely. i haveto get used to thinking that we are separate now
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for quit a while all i hoped for was for her to go away to rehab. i thought then i could relax and rebuild my life and after a year or so we could move along with our life plans.
underneath of that placid thought there were ripples starting. i heard too many stories about how the addict goes to rehab and breaks it off with the person who stood by through everything. even though i wanted her to go away, i did not want lose her. i never viewed having her sober as my prize, but just a continuation of how things were supposed to play out.
now everything is upside-down again. she was going to go on methadone and find a job. i still brought up the living situation, so she planned for rehab. she couldn't bring herself to do it. she's now living between a girl she knows inthe hood and guy she met on the streets.
i'll be honest, i do have the fear that she'll start to like this guy. even though just like the last time this happened, it is basically her using someone for a place to stay and money. one of my friends says thats all i was, but im not convinced of that.
i guess the point is that part of us knows that we are better off without the addict and that the addict is better off in a way without us. but it stings to have gone through soooo much only to lose them anyway. we tried to not lose them during the worst of the addiction, even though we really lost them to the drugs, but to have them cut us out, hurts in a different way.
i got what i want. i have her out of my place. i dont get asked for money or rides. there is no negativity, but i really must be a codie or addicted. i miss her nonetheless. she may really be a sociopath or a narcissist, and that may be what overpowers me. i dont know why it is so hard to let her go.
she got hte rest of her stuff today while i was at work- why then? why did she avoid seeing me? is she really done with me? does she not like me at a ll? or is it too hard for her to see me while she's going through this?
i know i am supposed to only worry about me, but i don't know what to think about her. i don't know if i should try to cut all my feelings or just let things unfold from a distance.
underneath of that placid thought there were ripples starting. i heard too many stories about how the addict goes to rehab and breaks it off with the person who stood by through everything. even though i wanted her to go away, i did not want lose her. i never viewed having her sober as my prize, but just a continuation of how things were supposed to play out.
now everything is upside-down again. she was going to go on methadone and find a job. i still brought up the living situation, so she planned for rehab. she couldn't bring herself to do it. she's now living between a girl she knows inthe hood and guy she met on the streets.
i'll be honest, i do have the fear that she'll start to like this guy. even though just like the last time this happened, it is basically her using someone for a place to stay and money. one of my friends says thats all i was, but im not convinced of that.
i guess the point is that part of us knows that we are better off without the addict and that the addict is better off in a way without us. but it stings to have gone through soooo much only to lose them anyway. we tried to not lose them during the worst of the addiction, even though we really lost them to the drugs, but to have them cut us out, hurts in a different way.
i got what i want. i have her out of my place. i dont get asked for money or rides. there is no negativity, but i really must be a codie or addicted. i miss her nonetheless. she may really be a sociopath or a narcissist, and that may be what overpowers me. i dont know why it is so hard to let her go.
she got hte rest of her stuff today while i was at work- why then? why did she avoid seeing me? is she really done with me? does she not like me at a ll? or is it too hard for her to see me while she's going through this?
i know i am supposed to only worry about me, but i don't know what to think about her. i don't know if i should try to cut all my feelings or just let things unfold from a distance.
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kiki-
i realize the possibility of that. it is hard to accept that since we've known each other for years, but i guess it is what it is. i can't try to understand anything while she is in active addiction. a big problem i have is that if she says it, i believe it- even if i dont believe it. sky is green, she says.....hmmm, i guess it is a little greenish. damn i hate this
i realize the possibility of that. it is hard to accept that since we've known each other for years, but i guess it is what it is. i can't try to understand anything while she is in active addiction. a big problem i have is that if she says it, i believe it- even if i dont believe it. sky is green, she says.....hmmm, i guess it is a little greenish. damn i hate this
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Originally Posted by steve1840 
kiki-
i a big problem i have is that if she says it, i believe it- even if i dont believe it. sky is green, she says.....hmmm, i guess it is a little greenish. damn i hate this
i a big problem i have is that if she says it, i believe it- even if i dont believe it. sky is green, she says.....hmmm, i guess it is a little greenish. damn i hate this
When my AD first started to use, I desperately wanted to believe her. I would say, I leaned 99% towards believing her. Mr. Habit and I wanted to think the best of her. But after 15 years of addiction, I lean 99% towards NOT believing her.
I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through.
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But after 15 years of addiction, I lean 99% towards NOT believing her.
this line really struck me and hurt too. 15 years! my cousin has been bad off since she was around 18. she is goiung on 50 now, just got of max security jail after a 3 year stint, and went right back to the life. she and i were close as kids, but of course drifted apart the worse she got. she was like my older sister i never had, but then became the older cousin i really never had. so, it never really hurt me. my ALO has only been at it hard for close to a year. when i read things like 15yrs or think of my cousin at 30+ years, it breaks me up inside. everything is ruined by addicition. nothing will ever be teh same. so many broken families, so much pain and saddness, despair, hope and let down.
i understand that it is addiction. i sometimes understand the pull, but then i get turned upside down- trying to comprehend it all. i did my share of things for years and years, but i am fortunate i guess.
my friend/gf/exgf may be lost forever.
i might be too, but i have to bring myself back.
all the things i wanted to do for myself while she was around seem pointless now, but i haveto have faith that that feeling will change soon. i am goingto take pics this weekend so i at least have that.
this line really struck me and hurt too. 15 years! my cousin has been bad off since she was around 18. she is goiung on 50 now, just got of max security jail after a 3 year stint, and went right back to the life. she and i were close as kids, but of course drifted apart the worse she got. she was like my older sister i never had, but then became the older cousin i really never had. so, it never really hurt me. my ALO has only been at it hard for close to a year. when i read things like 15yrs or think of my cousin at 30+ years, it breaks me up inside. everything is ruined by addicition. nothing will ever be teh same. so many broken families, so much pain and saddness, despair, hope and let down.
i understand that it is addiction. i sometimes understand the pull, but then i get turned upside down- trying to comprehend it all. i did my share of things for years and years, but i am fortunate i guess.
my friend/gf/exgf may be lost forever.
i might be too, but i have to bring myself back.
all the things i wanted to do for myself while she was around seem pointless now, but i haveto have faith that that feeling will change soon. i am goingto take pics this weekend so i at least have that.
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Steve, I saw an abandoned school one time in a rural part of NC. I was driving to the ocean and had to stop, take pics. It was very haunting but not scary, just sad. The building was being reclaimed by nature, grass was growing anywhere it could and vines were crawling out the windows and all over the walls. But I felt like I was watching a movie inside my head, and it was full of children and their voices. Then they just faded away.
When I was a teenager, my oldest dearest friend and I used to explore burned down houses. We would imagine which room was where and who the people were, their dreams, their sorrows. Did the dad sit in a wing back chair in front of the now charred fireplace? Or was it a rocking chair? Where did they all go?
Another friend, an old neighbor I knew since we were kids too, is a professional photographer. His favorite subject, not part of his business, are my favorite photos too -- stairs that go nowhere.
You said something about being corny, but here I am thinking gothic romance. Mystery, horror, extreme emotion. It's always been very intriguing to me and I identify with it to some extent.
When I was a teenager, my oldest dearest friend and I used to explore burned down houses. We would imagine which room was where and who the people were, their dreams, their sorrows. Did the dad sit in a wing back chair in front of the now charred fireplace? Or was it a rocking chair? Where did they all go?
Another friend, an old neighbor I knew since we were kids too, is a professional photographer. His favorite subject, not part of his business, are my favorite photos too -- stairs that go nowhere.
You said something about being corny, but here I am thinking gothic romance. Mystery, horror, extreme emotion. It's always been very intriguing to me and I identify with it to some extent.
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Nothing ever stopped being upside down. This was the story when you were last posting: her promises, your trying to set boundaries, fear of some guy, her living god knows where.
Her addiction is running (and ruining) your emotional life. Yet she keeps doing what she wants without any regard for you, yes that is what hard core addicts do but from everything you say, I have a feeling that even sober your friend will be the same way.
That is who she is.
She is manipulating you due to her addiction AND what makes it worse is that she is doing so because she is a manipulative person. My hope is that you will one day see that. Because this 'relationship' is toxic on many levels extending beyond addiction.
Her addiction is running (and ruining) your emotional life. Yet she keeps doing what she wants without any regard for you, yes that is what hard core addicts do but from everything you say, I have a feeling that even sober your friend will be the same way.
That is who she is.
She is manipulating you due to her addiction AND what makes it worse is that she is doing so because she is a manipulative person. My hope is that you will one day see that. Because this 'relationship' is toxic on many levels extending beyond addiction.
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