I am in full-blown codie mood today.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I am in full-blown codie mood today.
My AS came to visit for a coupe of hours yesterday. It was great.
I did not mention drugs or addiction.
I did not once tell him what I thought he should do.
I did not question him on anything in his life. What he didn't volunteer, was left unsaid.
I discussed superficial things and the visit went really well. He was also not high, which helped a lot. The only thing I did say when we discussed his younger brother, is that I have realised that as a mother I sometimes have to step back and let my children find their own way.
When I asked him to leave last March, he went to live with his girlfriend. They broke up and he is living with friends now. I am happy about the break up as I always felt she took up the enabling when he left here.
What is driving me absolutely insane today, is the way he looks. His clothes looks awful on his thin body. He obviously has no shoes left as he was wearing flimsy sandals with socks. His hair has not been cut for months. He was thin when he left home, but he is much thinner now. He looks like a homeless person already, which I suspect he may be soon.
When he left I wanted to pack him some fruit to take with, but he declined. I can see his pride is still there or he is still too angry with me to take anything from me. He didn't want any lunch either.
Today I all I want to do is to call him and offer to buy him shoes as a belated Christmas present. I want to rush over there and pick him up and bring him home and make everything ok for him. Except that I know I can't. He can never live here again. I have to remind myself that he has chosen this life for himself. That he is truly in God's hands and that all I can do is to trust.
My heart is broken all over again as I look on this once beautiful child of mine and I know I can't do anything.
I did not mention drugs or addiction.
I did not once tell him what I thought he should do.
I did not question him on anything in his life. What he didn't volunteer, was left unsaid.
I discussed superficial things and the visit went really well. He was also not high, which helped a lot. The only thing I did say when we discussed his younger brother, is that I have realised that as a mother I sometimes have to step back and let my children find their own way.
When I asked him to leave last March, he went to live with his girlfriend. They broke up and he is living with friends now. I am happy about the break up as I always felt she took up the enabling when he left here.
What is driving me absolutely insane today, is the way he looks. His clothes looks awful on his thin body. He obviously has no shoes left as he was wearing flimsy sandals with socks. His hair has not been cut for months. He was thin when he left home, but he is much thinner now. He looks like a homeless person already, which I suspect he may be soon.
When he left I wanted to pack him some fruit to take with, but he declined. I can see his pride is still there or he is still too angry with me to take anything from me. He didn't want any lunch either.
Today I all I want to do is to call him and offer to buy him shoes as a belated Christmas present. I want to rush over there and pick him up and bring him home and make everything ok for him. Except that I know I can't. He can never live here again. I have to remind myself that he has chosen this life for himself. That he is truly in God's hands and that all I can do is to trust.
My heart is broken all over again as I look on this once beautiful child of mine and I know I can't do anything.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Hello Where:
Know where you are at. My AS came home to "visit" 2 nights ago. His face was all bruised, like someone beat on him. He asked to stay the night, and all I could do was cry and tell him he couldn't. He is also thin and thinks the that all that is happening is someone else's fault. I don't know if the drugs are doing this to him or he is clean, but the drugs have mentally affected him for good. He also said I would not see him again and this has always been my greatest fear. He was with his sister who is also a full blown drug addict and she cannot let him stay with her
.
I share your pain of looking at your adult child and your heart breaking when you must release the dreams of what could have been. It is extremely difficult to keep the focus on me. But I keep thinking that I cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results (letting them stay with me and trying to help them).
I give all of my adult children to my HP and although I want to take them back, I keep telling myself I am in no shape or form able to cope with their problems. This has kept me sane as I work through my own recovery.
Thoughts, prayers and huggs to you
Know where you are at. My AS came home to "visit" 2 nights ago. His face was all bruised, like someone beat on him. He asked to stay the night, and all I could do was cry and tell him he couldn't. He is also thin and thinks the that all that is happening is someone else's fault. I don't know if the drugs are doing this to him or he is clean, but the drugs have mentally affected him for good. He also said I would not see him again and this has always been my greatest fear. He was with his sister who is also a full blown drug addict and she cannot let him stay with her
.
I share your pain of looking at your adult child and your heart breaking when you must release the dreams of what could have been. It is extremely difficult to keep the focus on me. But I keep thinking that I cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results (letting them stay with me and trying to help them).
I give all of my adult children to my HP and although I want to take them back, I keep telling myself I am in no shape or form able to cope with their problems. This has kept me sane as I work through my own recovery.
Thoughts, prayers and huggs to you
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Hope2be, do you have 2 addicted children? I cannot begin to imagine how hard that must be. I can see my son still thinks everyone else is to blame too. I have learnt from here that until he starts taking responsibility for his own actions, he is simply not ready.
I think that is what keeps me from ever taking him in again. I know that in the 9 years he stayed here, he only got worse.
If only the love that floods my heart when I look at him could save him, but I know it can not. I am hoping to keep on having limited contact with him like this. It must be the first time in many years that our interaction was without fights and loving.
I think that is what keeps me from ever taking him in again. I know that in the 9 years he stayed here, he only got worse.
If only the love that floods my heart when I look at him could save him, but I know it can not. I am hoping to keep on having limited contact with him like this. It must be the first time in many years that our interaction was without fights and loving.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Where: I have 4 adult children, 2 who I know are abusing drugs and possibly a third. Their ages range from 24 - 31. Their father (also a drug abuser) died when they were in their teens. Things went downhill from then on. I was already up to my neck in codependency when my AH died and I didn't think one could take it further, but I did.
I tried so hard to keep everyone from hurting, that I lost myself completely. My whole identity for the past year consisted of saving all of my AC.
SR has definitely saved me when I was drowning. I am beginning to see the light, albeit dim.
I thank you for posting because I know I am not alone when I read stories such as yours.
I tried so hard to keep everyone from hurting, that I lost myself completely. My whole identity for the past year consisted of saving all of my AC.
SR has definitely saved me when I was drowning. I am beginning to see the light, albeit dim.
I thank you for posting because I know I am not alone when I read stories such as yours.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Hope2be, I am so glad to hear that you are starting to look after yourself. I think that if we don't, the drugs get the opportunity to destroy even more lives.
Only once my son moved out, did I realise the huge impact his addiction had on his younger brother. It made me realise that it was time for all of us to stop paying the price for the choices of my eldest son.
Only once my son moved out, did I realise the huge impact his addiction had on his younger brother. It made me realise that it was time for all of us to stop paying the price for the choices of my eldest son.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My heart goes out to all of you. Accepting we are powerless over our adult children ( and anyone else for that matter) and letting go of our dreams for them is humbling stuff.
Giving our children the dignity to own their own lives is the greatest gift of all.
Giving our children the dignity to own their own lives is the greatest gift of all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the river and thru the woods
Posts: 69
Oh my! I feel for you as I too just saw my AS a few days ago. He came to my workplace looking pale, skinny, etc. Then asked if he could move back home. Better yet... begging to move back. Thanks to SR and Alanon, I was so strong and told him that in order to move back he must attend rehab and be sober for more than a year. Of course I am mean and its all OUR fault. Hugs to all that our A's see the light soon.
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