Concerned son of enabling parents
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Welcome to SR. I am the mother of a 23 yr. AS, hes been using 7 years. We were big time enablers. Always picking up his pieces, and wrapped up in his chaotic world. Thinking we could fix him. I am surprised your parents havent had a breakdown.Many times as parent we are blinsided as to what it is doing to the other siblings. Our oldest daughter finally reached a point that she would no longer sit by and watch us complain about AS when it was us that continued to live in his crazy world. She also let us know that she would not be visiting us any longer. She had enough and would not watch him destroy us financially and emtotionally. We have detached from him, not always easy, but peace that we havent had in years.You need to take care of yourself and your family. I would not let my children stay in that home as long as he is in the picture. Glad your here, many knowledgeable people.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 15
Spock,
Thank you for posting here, I'll be keeping an eye on all of your posts. I am hoping things get a little easier for you to deal with. I too am struggling with a drug addicted brother and enabling mother. I have separated myself from them. Started focusing all my energy on work, my college studies, my family, and I just joined a martial arts class 3 nights a week. So things are getting a little easier for me to deal with every single day. I'm sorry that I can't offer you much advice, as I am just learning to deal with this myself. I just keep working at things that are improving my life. That seems to keep me too busy to be able to worry about how my mother and brother are destroying their own lives. That's what's working for me.
I'll be rooting for you
-Hess
Thank you for posting here, I'll be keeping an eye on all of your posts. I am hoping things get a little easier for you to deal with. I too am struggling with a drug addicted brother and enabling mother. I have separated myself from them. Started focusing all my energy on work, my college studies, my family, and I just joined a martial arts class 3 nights a week. So things are getting a little easier for me to deal with every single day. I'm sorry that I can't offer you much advice, as I am just learning to deal with this myself. I just keep working at things that are improving my life. That seems to keep me too busy to be able to worry about how my mother and brother are destroying their own lives. That's what's working for me.
I'll be rooting for you
-Hess
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I found that once I let go of outcomes, I didn't need to give up on anyone. Let go or be dragged is a great one-liner that I used to repeat to myself whenever I started allowing myself to be sucked in to other peoples drama.
"Mom, dad, I love you but I will not ride this crazy train anymore with you or my brother anymore."
Never forget that NO is a complete sentence.
(((hugs)))
"Mom, dad, I love you but I will not ride this crazy train anymore with you or my brother anymore."
Never forget that NO is a complete sentence.
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Great advice folks. Words translated into ideas can be powerful and comforting things. I loved some of the posts here, "Let go or be dragged", etc, and it is reassuring to know that there are other people out there with similar things going on.
As it turns out, my other biological brother (the non addicted one) is getting some of my parent's wraith when it comes to our addicted brother. He has a new family and he is now taking a few steps back where my troubled brother is concerned and he got a bucketful of anger unloaded on him the other day when he decided not to bring his kid over anymore. He phoned me to let me know I have company in the doghouse.
I started a letter to my parents. I'm not sure if they'll ever get it but it was good to get it out. Whatever I send them will be short, explanatory, factual and non-judgmental.
BTW I chose the name Mr Spock because when I'm in a confrontation, or a verbal fight with the citizens of Crazytown, I prefer not to get sucked in and stay calm, choosing my words carefully, never using them to hurt like the people I'm arguing with, and stick to the logical facts. This seems to infuriate my parents. They see it as condescending. I used to get down and dirty and stoop to the same level as I was getting, but that never goes anywhere and I think the other people sometimes enjoy it.
See? According to them I don't even know how to fight right<grin>. How are you supposed to fight?
So Mr Spock it was..
As it turns out, my other biological brother (the non addicted one) is getting some of my parent's wraith when it comes to our addicted brother. He has a new family and he is now taking a few steps back where my troubled brother is concerned and he got a bucketful of anger unloaded on him the other day when he decided not to bring his kid over anymore. He phoned me to let me know I have company in the doghouse.
I started a letter to my parents. I'm not sure if they'll ever get it but it was good to get it out. Whatever I send them will be short, explanatory, factual and non-judgmental.
BTW I chose the name Mr Spock because when I'm in a confrontation, or a verbal fight with the citizens of Crazytown, I prefer not to get sucked in and stay calm, choosing my words carefully, never using them to hurt like the people I'm arguing with, and stick to the logical facts. This seems to infuriate my parents. They see it as condescending. I used to get down and dirty and stoop to the same level as I was getting, but that never goes anywhere and I think the other people sometimes enjoy it.
See? According to them I don't even know how to fight right<grin>. How are you supposed to fight?
So Mr Spock it was..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Mr. Spock))) - I think you're doing great. I used to have the "down and dirty" fights with my niece, too, until what I read here clicked through my thick head, and I just stopped fighting with her. I've told my dad, on certain situations that we need to agree that we disagree and not GO there any more. He'd tried to bring up the same stuff, again, and I said "I've already told you I won't discuss this with you..I've said what I have to say". He'd pout, or get ticked, but he got over it.
Sorry your other brother is getting the wrath of your parents, but glad you have company in the "doghouse"
Maybe, when your parents have to deal with this, all by themselves, they'll actually DO something? I know...no expectations, but I can still pray. Crazyland is just not a good place to be.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Sorry your other brother is getting the wrath of your parents, but glad you have company in the "doghouse"
Maybe, when your parents have to deal with this, all by themselves, they'll actually DO something? I know...no expectations, but I can still pray. Crazyland is just not a good place to be.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Update
Well. I have an update from my "clean" brother about the situation with my addicted brother. Soon after arriving back at my parent's house saying he wanted to get clean and needed their help to get into rehab my brother has left or has been kicked out (not sure which).
He has once again stolen items from my parents to get money and in a sad turn of events has also stolen the same credit card he took in the summer and withdrawn more money. My mother had never gotten around to changing the PIN (I'm amazed he remembered it).
There was some damage control. Apparently my father had taken steps to advise the pawn shops in the neighborhood not to accept items from my brother. He has apparently confronted my brother (probably using the phone they bought for him) and they may get those items back.
From what I was told they are tossing around the word "mental problems" now.
This disappoints me a bit. It sounds like more rationlising of his bad behavoir. It sounds like they are saying that he must be mentally deficient and unable to control it in some way that makes it not his fault. He has been seen by all kinds of medical specialists over the years since he was 6 or 7 and there was never any talk of this.
I'm no specialist but I dunno, It's probably just, uhh the fact that he is an idiot and on DRUGS most of the time? He is an idiot when he is not on drugs and the drugs just seem to heighten the experience for everyone and give him an excuse to be even more idiotic.
I'm waiting and wondering to see if my parents are going to contact me to let us know things are back to normal for the time being. Trouble is, I don't think they ever are as long as they keep buying what he's selling. I question my parent's decisions, or lack thereof where he is concerned and unless they start acting differently, it's the same old same old.
Cutting the caboose on the Crazy Train was the best thing I've done in years.
On a similar note, a friend told me about the Karpman Drama Triangle. It was an interesting read. I've played this game when I should not have. There is so much unfinished business underneath this whole thing, it's no small wonder people get irrational about it.
DRAMA TRIANGLE
Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
He has once again stolen items from my parents to get money and in a sad turn of events has also stolen the same credit card he took in the summer and withdrawn more money. My mother had never gotten around to changing the PIN (I'm amazed he remembered it).
There was some damage control. Apparently my father had taken steps to advise the pawn shops in the neighborhood not to accept items from my brother. He has apparently confronted my brother (probably using the phone they bought for him) and they may get those items back.
From what I was told they are tossing around the word "mental problems" now.
This disappoints me a bit. It sounds like more rationlising of his bad behavoir. It sounds like they are saying that he must be mentally deficient and unable to control it in some way that makes it not his fault. He has been seen by all kinds of medical specialists over the years since he was 6 or 7 and there was never any talk of this.
I'm no specialist but I dunno, It's probably just, uhh the fact that he is an idiot and on DRUGS most of the time? He is an idiot when he is not on drugs and the drugs just seem to heighten the experience for everyone and give him an excuse to be even more idiotic.
I'm waiting and wondering to see if my parents are going to contact me to let us know things are back to normal for the time being. Trouble is, I don't think they ever are as long as they keep buying what he's selling. I question my parent's decisions, or lack thereof where he is concerned and unless they start acting differently, it's the same old same old.
Cutting the caboose on the Crazy Train was the best thing I've done in years.
On a similar note, a friend told me about the Karpman Drama Triangle. It was an interesting read. I've played this game when I should not have. There is so much unfinished business underneath this whole thing, it's no small wonder people get irrational about it.
DRAMA TRIANGLE
Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 52
Dr. Spock,
Thank you for your post. You and your other brother are taking the right action to protect your own families from the insanity. And that's all the advice I have to give you other than to go to al-anon meetings and get support in learning how to live your own life. Your post was good for me. We have a 21 year old AS in rehab right now. We're nowhere near the enablers your parents are, but the craziness they've chosen to live with has provided me with lots of food for thought in my own relationship with our son.
Thank you for your post. You and your other brother are taking the right action to protect your own families from the insanity. And that's all the advice I have to give you other than to go to al-anon meetings and get support in learning how to live your own life. Your post was good for me. We have a 21 year old AS in rehab right now. We're nowhere near the enablers your parents are, but the craziness they've chosen to live with has provided me with lots of food for thought in my own relationship with our son.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Oh yeah..the old..maybe he has mental problems..we went through that with my daughter too..(at the time we didn't know she was using, but knew SOMETHING was horribly wrong) took her to several psychiatrists who diagnosed her with major depression and ODD..turned out to be complete BS..she was a hard core druggie..the second I found out it was drugs I went to ALAnon and did what they told me to do!
This is a real common part of the process..he wouldn't do x y or z unless he was mentally ill..uh yah he would if he's an addict..it mimics bipolar disorder, sociopathy, all kinds of stuff, but it's the drugs.
To be honest with you, your parents are the ones who need to go to rehab..like Betty Ford Family Week.Your brother may get sober, but that won't fix them..it certainly didn't in my families case..SIL sober 13 years..parents still as f-ed up as ever...
This is a real common part of the process..he wouldn't do x y or z unless he was mentally ill..uh yah he would if he's an addict..it mimics bipolar disorder, sociopathy, all kinds of stuff, but it's the drugs.
To be honest with you, your parents are the ones who need to go to rehab..like Betty Ford Family Week.Your brother may get sober, but that won't fix them..it certainly didn't in my families case..SIL sober 13 years..parents still as f-ed up as ever...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
OUCH!, Lying and stealing small stuff is one thing but 6K along with & after bringing home stealing 'strays' and now is being picky about which rehab they want?!?!?!?-W T F. And your remaining calm enough to post here... I commend you and your parents.
I thought I've seen some unwiley sense of entitlement but this darn near takes the cake. Our problem one has been playing the victim card after finally just starting to have to face but not yet deal with the consequences of DECADES of gambling, WAY OVER spending, DRINKING and misc rec drug use along with the maturity level of a frat boy. I'm nervous now because to deal with/evade his problems he too will have to do things like steal 6K and that's low estimate.
I don't think you parents intentionally enabled but thats what they wound up doing. They gave him his chanceS. I'd say there are enough egrecious offenses here that they should feel no guilt in at least giving him ZERO financial support and oppurtunity.
GOOD LUCK
I thought I've seen some unwiley sense of entitlement but this darn near takes the cake. Our problem one has been playing the victim card after finally just starting to have to face but not yet deal with the consequences of DECADES of gambling, WAY OVER spending, DRINKING and misc rec drug use along with the maturity level of a frat boy. I'm nervous now because to deal with/evade his problems he too will have to do things like steal 6K and that's low estimate.
I don't think you parents intentionally enabled but thats what they wound up doing. They gave him his chanceS. I'd say there are enough egrecious offenses here that they should feel no guilt in at least giving him ZERO financial support and oppurtunity.
GOOD LUCK
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
mental problems???
mental problems???
And yet alot of rather planned 'events' or scnerios including the post got me LYING.
After paying much closer attention to this area and even stuff like overweight/out shape people I sometimes think many of these people simply don't have the ability, tools or even motivation to CHANGE-not 'cure' a disease but to CHANGE the way they do things and deal with other people. It's one thing to have a low pain threshold but it's another if you can't even handle a little inconvience to evolve,learn and/or CHANGE.
I see this with problem relatives including a bordline out of shape/less of alkie father. He can't motivate himself to simply take walks on daily basis and yet he will RUN to the pharma for prescription bp meds. It's literally these small steps that one must take to make some CHANGEs and improve their predictament. It's not just a low pain threshold it's a low discomfort and/or learn something new threshold(stubborness). But a 'mental' problems-maybe they don't care but a 'mental' problem-if they can fabricate schemes and excuses their 'mental' capacities are working just fine.
And yet alot of rather planned 'events' or scnerios including the post got me LYING.
After paying much closer attention to this area and even stuff like overweight/out shape people I sometimes think many of these people simply don't have the ability, tools or even motivation to CHANGE-not 'cure' a disease but to CHANGE the way they do things and deal with other people. It's one thing to have a low pain threshold but it's another if you can't even handle a little inconvience to evolve,learn and/or CHANGE.
I see this with problem relatives including a bordline out of shape/less of alkie father. He can't motivate himself to simply take walks on daily basis and yet he will RUN to the pharma for prescription bp meds. It's literally these small steps that one must take to make some CHANGEs and improve their predictament. It's not just a low pain threshold it's a low discomfort and/or learn something new threshold(stubborness). But a 'mental' problems-maybe they don't care but a 'mental' problem-if they can fabricate schemes and excuses their 'mental' capacities are working just fine.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by thequest 
mental problems???
After paying much closer attention to this area and even stuff like overweight/out shape people I sometimes think many of these people simply don't have the ability, tools or even motivation to CHANGE-not 'cure' a disease but to CHANGE the way they do things and deal with other people.
After paying much closer attention to this area and even stuff like overweight/out shape people I sometimes think many of these people simply don't have the ability, tools or even motivation to CHANGE-not 'cure' a disease but to CHANGE the way they do things and deal with other people.
Tough love. What a concept... I think the "tough" part in the name is the part about actually getting around to doing it as an enabling parent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Been awhile. Update, my brother with the drug problem has other problems as well and he went to jail for it last year. 13 months for possession of kiddie porn and being in the company of a minor for the purpose of sex. He's done this his whole life, he has a history of inviting small children to touch his privates, I've cleaned more gay porn off my parent's computer than I care to remember, but when he was 16, he could get away with it. Now that he's in his mid-twenties, it's a different story. So my parent's didn't tell me, I found out by accident and didn't say anything, and it all came out when my father's health took a turn for the worse.
I've let go and don't care much, it's been almost three years since I've seen him, but he's been out of jail for 6 months, clean supposedly, and the holidays are around the corner. My parents want to get the whole family together and pretend like everything is ok. My father is very sick, this may be his last year with us and I feel like this is being used to make me include this guy back in my life when I'm not ready. I don't think I'll ever be.
I see people on the site talk about loved ones, and being there for them, but he ceased being a loved one long ago after the 20th or 25th horrible thing. and he was not on drugs for all of these actions, he's just genetically an ******* I guess.
I'm going to tell my parents I will not be stopping by this time, I wondered if anyone else had negotiated these waters. I'm anticipating resentment on their part, that I may be hurting his recovery. Etc. What's a good way to make them understand?
To top it all off, just last week I was at my parent's place, noticed a mark on my mother's face, and heard she had gotten it on a visit to my brother. Apparently his roommate hit my mother in the face while he was going crazy on bath salts. My brother helped restrain this dude, and of course is lauded as somewhat as a hero in my parent's crazy world.
I'm never going to get used to this...
I've let go and don't care much, it's been almost three years since I've seen him, but he's been out of jail for 6 months, clean supposedly, and the holidays are around the corner. My parents want to get the whole family together and pretend like everything is ok. My father is very sick, this may be his last year with us and I feel like this is being used to make me include this guy back in my life when I'm not ready. I don't think I'll ever be.
I see people on the site talk about loved ones, and being there for them, but he ceased being a loved one long ago after the 20th or 25th horrible thing. and he was not on drugs for all of these actions, he's just genetically an ******* I guess.
I'm going to tell my parents I will not be stopping by this time, I wondered if anyone else had negotiated these waters. I'm anticipating resentment on their part, that I may be hurting his recovery. Etc. What's a good way to make them understand?
To top it all off, just last week I was at my parent's place, noticed a mark on my mother's face, and heard she had gotten it on a visit to my brother. Apparently his roommate hit my mother in the face while he was going crazy on bath salts. My brother helped restrain this dude, and of course is lauded as somewhat as a hero in my parent's crazy world.
I'm never going to get used to this...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
My mom used to enable my brother.
I told her that I had to take a step back because her enabling and the physical and financial toll it was taking on her was eating me up.
She basically said "I understand, but it's who I am."
After that, we did best when we talked about the millions of other things there are to talk about besides my brother.
Last November, on the night before I got the phone call that she had died in her sleep, I had stopped by and we were out on the back porch reminiscing about some of our favorite memories.
I'm so glad I stopped by that night.
I told her that I had to take a step back because her enabling and the physical and financial toll it was taking on her was eating me up.
She basically said "I understand, but it's who I am."
After that, we did best when we talked about the millions of other things there are to talk about besides my brother.
Last November, on the night before I got the phone call that she had died in her sleep, I had stopped by and we were out on the back porch reminiscing about some of our favorite memories.
I'm so glad I stopped by that night.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You don't have to be part of the family day that will include this man. You can have your own very private get together with your father some time when your brother is not around.
You have choices and not all choices will hurt the relationship between your father and you.
I no longer feel obligated to be anywhere that I am uncomfortable or where I know there will be trouble.
Hugs
You have choices and not all choices will hurt the relationship between your father and you.
I no longer feel obligated to be anywhere that I am uncomfortable or where I know there will be trouble.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
I think they will be hurt though, and I think I'll look like the bad guy again for not making the effort to bury all that stuff and just "Be there for Dad". I'm mad that they even asked. I wouldn't know what to do if I did go. Ignore him? Explain to him ('cause it seems like he doesn't know) what an ass he is and how he has ripped apart the family emotionally,physically and financially?
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