DontBurnThePig

After dealing with my boyfriend's addiction and other issues over the past few years, I know that I still love him, but I wonder...can that spark ever come back into our relationship?

I can't stand for him to touch me, I can't even think about having sex with him, I guess I just don't think of him as a man anymore because of all he's put me through, as well as all he's done to himself.

And I guess I should preface this in saying, it's not just the drugs although I'm sure somehow everything else relates to his drug addiction. I hate that he doesn't have a good job. I hate that he is gone from the crack of dawn until the time we do bedtime for the kids every day to be making money that won't even pay his bills every month. I hate the fact that I can't go out on a "date" with him without footing the bill myself. I hate how selfish he is, and how he complains about our situation, but does little to make any changes while I'm doing everything I an to keep our family afloat.

I just want to know, has anyone else ever been in this situation and gotten the spark back, or am I either going to have to break it off or be destined to a life of unhappiness in our relationship?

TheReader

I am still married to my only husband - 31 years now - and 25 of those were spent with his beer-binging alcoholic behavior. He has been sober for the last 6 years but the damage was done many years ago. I don't know why I stayed - all types of excuses: child, my parents, fear of him caring for child alone while drunk, finances . . on and on. Looking back, maybe I should have made the break really early. Interestingly, the spark left many years ago, but in the past 5 years, we have become closer in a different way. Of course, I am 57 and he is 67. I can tell you the spark died when I was about 30, after 4 years of marriage and living in the hell of his drunk behavior. No physical abuse; just emotional pain; he would drive drunk, leave during the night and I would worry for hours, be passed out on the floor when guests would visit. It was not pretty and this was all very alien to me. I thought I could save him, hide it; but just began to hate his behavior so much, there was no spark.
On the good side all those years, he did work as a professional, made good money, I managed all the money, as far I was knew he was faithful and he could stay clean for major events for vacations and special events. When he drank he could not have one beer, it had to be 18 to 24.
I don't think it is easy to the spark back. We are all different and I did not miss much in my youth, having some long-term loving relationships and fun with friends. Probably why I could stay in this situation, but we are all different. This is terrible to say now, but back in those early years, I thought my "release" would be that he would probably be killed driving drunk and did get several DUIs. I feel your pain.

steve1840

i wish i could be writing something positive about this, but unfortunately my experience has been negative. and maybe there is something positive in that!

i have been dealing with an addicted friend/gf for 7 months. up until recently, my love remained, but somethnig has shifted inside me that i really don't think i can get back. if she gets clean, i see the same situation i hear so much about- hardly working and being unreliable. i do not feel any romantic love as a result of what has occured over time.

i blamed everything on the addiction. every inconsiderate or selfish act. but i have come to believe that addiction is only part of it. i think she would be little better if clean. there are too many examples, but they all add up. i see it like this- if i got very sick and needed to get right to the hospital, she'd wait to get her 'stuff' first or do a hit. if i got out ofhte hospital and she had to drive me home, i'd seeher walking ahead to get inside and do a hit. there is only consideration and compassion onthe surface.

i'm not saying it can't happen. there are people here onthe board who have been ableto save their relationship. no one can say if it will happen for you. but after a couple years, it seems this may be the person you have, this is who he is. there's nothing more unsettling then trying to remian ina dead relationship. and i know having kids changes everythnig and makes decisions much harder. just at some point it becomes pointless trying to hammer a tringular per into a small circular hole.

tam

personally for me no. Been married 26 years and to be honest I lost the spark years ago due to his addiction. it doesnt mean I dont love him, I do as a once best friend but not as a husband.
there is too much damage and like the other replies we too have lost alot in our relationship from the addiction. we used to share finances and chores, that all was ruined from the addiction, there was barely anything left between us before he left.
however, as a human being I love him. I remember all the good times we had, how he protected me, how we shared the same interests. I think the reason I stayed was because of the fear of the unknown and also because of comfort. although it wasnt comfortable living with addiction, I felt comfortable. I seriously was afraid (and still am at times) of moving on without him and although I know its for the best for me, I still wonder what if and why and what is going to happen..but guess everyone can say that with their lives maybe its more pronounced for us.

sunshine321

Well for me no but that's not to say it wouldn't be different for you. We have a child together. I was in the program for over a year before he made the decision to get sober or lose his daughter. He chose rehab. Unfortunately, I had too much anger and resentment (still do) and could not find enough compassion or love to stay. I stayed 1 1/2 more years while he was in recovery. He really wasn't all that different except he didn't stay out all night anymore. The fighting was the same, the selfishness and self-centeredness was the same. The abuse was the same. However, I do realize that a lot of recovered addicts/alcoholics stay in the crazy behavior for at least the first 5 years of sobriety. We were also in couples counseling and it didn't help at all. I had to go. I couldn't do it anymore. But that's just me. That doesn't mean it will be the same for you. Remember you have to do what's best for you because no one else lives your life.

Jen

lostx

I think your last sentenced had your answer in it. I am married and have a 3yr with my addict. I could have wrote your post myself because that's the way I feel too. I know the answer but doing something about it is another thing. If I did not have a child, I would let go and give myself a chance to be happy. If I am not happy, I am sure my husband is not either. Me personally, I am scared to break my family up. I believe we meet and experience different relationships in life to help us grow and learn. There is a time when there is no more learning or growth left in a relationship. You deserve to be happy. There is a lot of life left to live. You need to ask yourself, where do you think you will be in 5-10 years and, will you regret what you may have lost.

I am sorry your hurting

cassandra2

For me the spark came back AFTER I started working on MY issues. When I was able to release the resentment and anger and allow forgiveness to fill me. My RAB wasnt the only one with issues. Once my issues were addressed and I started looking at my own stuff I was able to live a more carefree happy life. It took me a LONG time to see that.

Also maybe you could ponder the thought that maybe just maybe the person he is today really is who he is. Just quitting doesnt change the BEHAVIOR that accompanies addiction.

If your bf isnt doing basic things like working and helping out maybe it isnt drugs that are the problem.

barb dwyer

My answer is no.

But ... there may be a chance ... for a new one.

But what was - can never be...again.

that's against nature.

We as humans have the choice to create a new one.
based on what has happened
and what is right now.

I've never managed to do it, but I refuse to believe it can't be done.

justtired

I think the answer to this is going to be different for everyone. I can completely relate though. I don't want my abf of 11 years anywhere near me. I pull away if he comes close and I really want nothing to do with him. My abf is still in denial, so I do wonder if he would come clean and find recovery if things could get better. Problem is, I've realized a lot about him and about myself while I was learning about his addiction and I can't unlearn that. And sometimes I think we put too much attention on the addiction. In reality a lot of your concerns are with his job and maybe motivation level. Things might improve, and if he's in recovery, then maybe you guys just need to do a lot of communicating because things have been shaken up and things are different for both of you.

outtolunch

Is it possible that back when, when their was a spark, it was fueled by your own hopeful fantasies?

It sounds like he isn't the person you wanted him to be an this has nothing to do with drugs.

Generally speaking, you can accept him as is/where is or move on. I seem to recall there was a domestic violence situation going on here, too. That would be a huge deal breaker for many women/mothers.

Sticking around with the hopeful fantasy that he is going to somethow by magic turn into the man you wanted and then resenting him when he is not, is all about you and your expectations. This does not sound healthy for either of you or your children. He may, after all, be doing the best he can from a financial standpoint. Sure beats laying on the couch all day, with his hand in his pants.

I am fond of the concept of women taking responsiblity for themselves and developing the characteristics and earning power of the man they want, instead of allowing themselves to be entrapped in situations because of financial reasons.

ZombieWife

I know exactly how you feel. It's taken a long, long time for the "spark" to come back. We're still a work in progress. It took some sober time under his belt before I could even begin to think of him as a sexual person anymore, and not some kind of "child."

We're not there, even after 2 years. I'm about 60% there.