I'm at a loss, sad and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: sonoma county, Ca
Posts: 2
I'm at a loss, sad and scared
Hi everyone, I am new to these boards, but I desperately need help.
My boyfriend of five, nearly six, years is addicted to opiates.
It started last year when he broke his arm and started taking Norcos for the pain, at least that's when I think it started. He had been renting a room from a guy, who I now know is a total drug addict himself. So, pretty soon he and his roommate were doing drugs together all the time, and the roommate even paid for it! The roommate is prescribed 3 oxys a day for "back pain", but he snorts them all by mid month and buys them from some drug dealer he knows. He turned my boyfriend on to oxy and heroin, and it was all downhill from there. Last may my boyfriend and I moved into a granny unit above the same house that he was already living in. I had no idea that he was hooked on oc and heroin. I knew something was up, because he was never able to get an erection- sorry if that is too graphic- but I was completely oblivious. I thought it was just from eating norcos. I was upset that he was eating painkillers, but I never thought it would get this bad. If I had known, I never would have agreed to move in here. Well, once we were living together, his drug habit became pretty hard to hide. He was unemployed at the time, so he would hang out with the neighbor all day getting high and then I would come home and he would be nodding in and out, claiming he was tired. He had told me about the neighbors being addicted to drugs before - more than one person on our court does oc and heroin with the old roommate- I just never thought he would go down that path, but eventually I put the pieces together.
after weeks of second guessing myself, and refusing to believe what I already knew, I went through his text messages while he was sleeping and confirmed it for myself. So the next day I asked him upfront and he told me yes, but tried to convince me that it wasn't as bad as it really was. He claimed he hadn't been using that much and I just cried and cried.
I told him I was leaving, I come from a family of substance and alcohol abusers, my father overdosed on cocaine and killed himself, so did his brother, my uncle. my sister has battled substance abuse problems since she was 14 and my mom is a functioning alcoholic. I have very little tolerance for drug abuse and I thought I was leaving that behind when I moved out with my boyfriend. He convinced me not to leave, said he would stop, so I stayed.
We went on a roller coaster for months. He would try to wean off, then get back on, I would get to the end of my rope, he would promise to stop, try to wean off, then start using. I eventually found out he was freebasing oxycontin when I looked through his backpack, and really lost it. I took off and told him I was done. He convinced me not to leave. I stayed.
Thanksgiving day was supposed to be the last time he used. Until today, he had been clean since thanksgiving. He doesn't know that I know that he relapsed. but he posts on a skateboarding message board, and today I looked through his posts and saw that he had posted today "****... relapse is hard to avoid when your neighbor literally pus in under your nose".
I feel awful. I am sad for him, I know he doesn't want this. I feel responsible for not trying harder to move away from this house once he got clean. He would have had a chance if we weren't living right next to a drug user. I feel worn out. I don't know what to do anymore. Last semester, I failed all of my classes because I was so stressed out because of all this. I don't want to leave him, and it wouldn't do me any good anyway, I would still be just as in love with him and just as worried about him. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of being suspicious of him. I hate myself for looking through his texts and reading his posts on his message board, but I just dont want to be blindsided by the drugs again. I dont know where we go from here.
sorry this was so long. I just needed to vent.
My boyfriend of five, nearly six, years is addicted to opiates.
It started last year when he broke his arm and started taking Norcos for the pain, at least that's when I think it started. He had been renting a room from a guy, who I now know is a total drug addict himself. So, pretty soon he and his roommate were doing drugs together all the time, and the roommate even paid for it! The roommate is prescribed 3 oxys a day for "back pain", but he snorts them all by mid month and buys them from some drug dealer he knows. He turned my boyfriend on to oxy and heroin, and it was all downhill from there. Last may my boyfriend and I moved into a granny unit above the same house that he was already living in. I had no idea that he was hooked on oc and heroin. I knew something was up, because he was never able to get an erection- sorry if that is too graphic- but I was completely oblivious. I thought it was just from eating norcos. I was upset that he was eating painkillers, but I never thought it would get this bad. If I had known, I never would have agreed to move in here. Well, once we were living together, his drug habit became pretty hard to hide. He was unemployed at the time, so he would hang out with the neighbor all day getting high and then I would come home and he would be nodding in and out, claiming he was tired. He had told me about the neighbors being addicted to drugs before - more than one person on our court does oc and heroin with the old roommate- I just never thought he would go down that path, but eventually I put the pieces together.
after weeks of second guessing myself, and refusing to believe what I already knew, I went through his text messages while he was sleeping and confirmed it for myself. So the next day I asked him upfront and he told me yes, but tried to convince me that it wasn't as bad as it really was. He claimed he hadn't been using that much and I just cried and cried.
I told him I was leaving, I come from a family of substance and alcohol abusers, my father overdosed on cocaine and killed himself, so did his brother, my uncle. my sister has battled substance abuse problems since she was 14 and my mom is a functioning alcoholic. I have very little tolerance for drug abuse and I thought I was leaving that behind when I moved out with my boyfriend. He convinced me not to leave, said he would stop, so I stayed.
We went on a roller coaster for months. He would try to wean off, then get back on, I would get to the end of my rope, he would promise to stop, try to wean off, then start using. I eventually found out he was freebasing oxycontin when I looked through his backpack, and really lost it. I took off and told him I was done. He convinced me not to leave. I stayed.
Thanksgiving day was supposed to be the last time he used. Until today, he had been clean since thanksgiving. He doesn't know that I know that he relapsed. but he posts on a skateboarding message board, and today I looked through his posts and saw that he had posted today "****... relapse is hard to avoid when your neighbor literally pus in under your nose".
I feel awful. I am sad for him, I know he doesn't want this. I feel responsible for not trying harder to move away from this house once he got clean. He would have had a chance if we weren't living right next to a drug user. I feel worn out. I don't know what to do anymore. Last semester, I failed all of my classes because I was so stressed out because of all this. I don't want to leave him, and it wouldn't do me any good anyway, I would still be just as in love with him and just as worried about him. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of being suspicious of him. I hate myself for looking through his texts and reading his posts on his message board, but I just dont want to be blindsided by the drugs again. I dont know where we go from here.
sorry this was so long. I just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.......I'm glad you found us. There are so many people here who have experienced the addiction of someone they love. I hope you find comfort and answers here.
You are currently caught up in the dance of addiction. It's a crazy-making dance. Everything you have described has been told on SR hundreds of times before. Unfortunately, it all follows a very predictable pattern and we become as sick as the addict. We do everything in our power to help them....to fix them....and if our love could do that....none of us would be here.
We all have choices and can control only one person, ourselves. We can stay with the addict and continue the dance indefinitely and live in misery. We can find help for ourselves and stop our dance regardless of whether the addict is using or not and find serenity. Or we simply remove ourselves from the situation in order to save ourselves.
None of the choices above are right or wrong......they are simply choices.
I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR. Do you like to read?
gentle hugs
You are currently caught up in the dance of addiction. It's a crazy-making dance. Everything you have described has been told on SR hundreds of times before. Unfortunately, it all follows a very predictable pattern and we become as sick as the addict. We do everything in our power to help them....to fix them....and if our love could do that....none of us would be here.
We all have choices and can control only one person, ourselves. We can stay with the addict and continue the dance indefinitely and live in misery. We can find help for ourselves and stop our dance regardless of whether the addict is using or not and find serenity. Or we simply remove ourselves from the situation in order to save ourselves.
None of the choices above are right or wrong......they are simply choices.
I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR. Do you like to read?
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: sonoma county, Ca
Posts: 2
Thanks for the support.
I cant really say I am taking care of myself. I am doing pretty well, eating, sleeping, etc. I feel much better lately. When we were really struggling and I was trying to get him to stop, I was a total crazy person. I was really hard on coworkers and myself. I was so relieved when he was able to get completely off the heroin. I am afraid if he relapses I will go back to that ugly place. This is the first real attempt I have made at reaching out to get help for myself, I have considered therapy but I don't have much time between work and school, or money. I just need help to know what to do, how I can help him, and how I can keep myself from going crazy with suspicion. I am so afraid of being blindsided again that I look for signs that he is using constantly. Its not normal.
I think he relapsed because of the post he put on that message board, but like before, I will try to deny it and avoid confronting him about it until it slaps me in the face. I dont want him to know that I am invading his privacy, especially if he hasnt done anything. I have a home drug test, should I make him take it? is that fair?
I do gauge my day and happiness based on what he is doing. When he got clean, I was alright, when he was using all the time, I was completely depressed and despondent and bitter.
I am isolated. He goes out, but I usually stay home. I see my family about once a week, but I dont hang out with friends. That isnt really a new thing for me though, I don't have many friends.
I do feel like if he loved me he would stop. When he stopped before, he told me that he did it for me. I guess that is why he may have relapsed. I feel the same way about my dad. If he loved our family, he wouldn't have overdosed. He would have chosen us as his priority and gotten sober. In my heart, I feel that my love can change this. I have already lost so much to drugs, I refuse to lose another person I care about. Its not going to happen. I love him too much to lose him. But in my head, I am beginning to realize that it cant change anything. But even if it cant, I still love him. So then what? I cant love him out of it, but I cant change how I feel about him, so what am I supposed to do?
I cant really pick the pick the lies from the truth, I just assume that everything is a lie. I completely stopped trusting him once I found out he was using, and once I found out he was smoking it after he was supposed to have stopped.
I do think that he can get help from others, but we are both afraid of his parents finding out. It would devastate them.
I do like to read
I cant really say I am taking care of myself. I am doing pretty well, eating, sleeping, etc. I feel much better lately. When we were really struggling and I was trying to get him to stop, I was a total crazy person. I was really hard on coworkers and myself. I was so relieved when he was able to get completely off the heroin. I am afraid if he relapses I will go back to that ugly place. This is the first real attempt I have made at reaching out to get help for myself, I have considered therapy but I don't have much time between work and school, or money. I just need help to know what to do, how I can help him, and how I can keep myself from going crazy with suspicion. I am so afraid of being blindsided again that I look for signs that he is using constantly. Its not normal.
I think he relapsed because of the post he put on that message board, but like before, I will try to deny it and avoid confronting him about it until it slaps me in the face. I dont want him to know that I am invading his privacy, especially if he hasnt done anything. I have a home drug test, should I make him take it? is that fair?
I do gauge my day and happiness based on what he is doing. When he got clean, I was alright, when he was using all the time, I was completely depressed and despondent and bitter.
I am isolated. He goes out, but I usually stay home. I see my family about once a week, but I dont hang out with friends. That isnt really a new thing for me though, I don't have many friends.
I do feel like if he loved me he would stop. When he stopped before, he told me that he did it for me. I guess that is why he may have relapsed. I feel the same way about my dad. If he loved our family, he wouldn't have overdosed. He would have chosen us as his priority and gotten sober. In my heart, I feel that my love can change this. I have already lost so much to drugs, I refuse to lose another person I care about. Its not going to happen. I love him too much to lose him. But in my head, I am beginning to realize that it cant change anything. But even if it cant, I still love him. So then what? I cant love him out of it, but I cant change how I feel about him, so what am I supposed to do?
I cant really pick the pick the lies from the truth, I just assume that everything is a lie. I completely stopped trusting him once I found out he was using, and once I found out he was smoking it after he was supposed to have stopped.
I do think that he can get help from others, but we are both afraid of his parents finding out. It would devastate them.
I do like to read
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
First I want to tell you as other had to tell me
You did not CAUSE this
You cannot CONTROL this, and
You cannot CURE this
Next I will tell you that I am married to an A and have two small children with him. His DOC is herion but he will get by on the opiate painkillers if he has too. Currently he is switching his short term taper program of suboxone to a long term maintenance plan. I can tell you I am not happy even with this. Though suboxone is a treatment plan and from his behavior and attitude better than the drugs he is still a little altered. I am detached from him and currently feel like I only have a roommate. I don't like my living situation right now. If I had any understanding of the opiates or herion before I married him I am not sure I would have. I now have two small children that love their father and that makes it most difficult to make the decision to leave or ask him to leave.
I would highly suggest you start reading about addiction specifically the opiates and herion. Please try to get to a meeting and try to get on the meetings and chats here. There are so many people that will give you their experiences. If you want to PM at any time please do I have experienced a lot of what you stated and more. Addiction is very ugly thing and you have to remember to take care of yourself.
Sending my thoughts and prayers out to you
You did not CAUSE this
You cannot CONTROL this, and
You cannot CURE this
Next I will tell you that I am married to an A and have two small children with him. His DOC is herion but he will get by on the opiate painkillers if he has too. Currently he is switching his short term taper program of suboxone to a long term maintenance plan. I can tell you I am not happy even with this. Though suboxone is a treatment plan and from his behavior and attitude better than the drugs he is still a little altered. I am detached from him and currently feel like I only have a roommate. I don't like my living situation right now. If I had any understanding of the opiates or herion before I married him I am not sure I would have. I now have two small children that love their father and that makes it most difficult to make the decision to leave or ask him to leave.
I would highly suggest you start reading about addiction specifically the opiates and herion. Please try to get to a meeting and try to get on the meetings and chats here. There are so many people that will give you their experiences. If you want to PM at any time please do I have experienced a lot of what you stated and more. Addiction is very ugly thing and you have to remember to take care of yourself.
Sending my thoughts and prayers out to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
There are some things you can do for yourself that don't cost too much money and don't take an abundance of time. Since you like to read there are several great books that I would recommend. CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great one to start with.
I would also highly recommend Naranon Meetings. But even if you don't have the time to go to meetings, you can buy the literature from Naranon here:
http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar...22.2010%29.pdf
Of thoses pieces of literature here are some of my favorites:
NarAnon Blue Booklet
A Guide for the Family of the User
Do's and Don'ts
Detachment-The Key to Survival
Naranon SESH (Daily Reader)
All of these wonderful pamphlets and books are chocked full of great information on how to live our lives and take care of ourselves....whether the addict is using or not.
We can't control the addict. They are going to use or they won't. They don't do it to purposefully hurt us. That's the really ugly part of addiction. Although it sure seems like they are choosing drugs over us, they aren't. Addiction is a really baffling disease. Learning as much as you can about addiction and codependence will help you begin to cope with your boyfriends addiction. It will also help you put some of the puzzle pieces of your past together.
The number one suggestion around here is......take care of you.
gentle hugs
I would also highly recommend Naranon Meetings. But even if you don't have the time to go to meetings, you can buy the literature from Naranon here:
http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar...22.2010%29.pdf
Of thoses pieces of literature here are some of my favorites:
NarAnon Blue Booklet
A Guide for the Family of the User
Do's and Don'ts
Detachment-The Key to Survival
Naranon SESH (Daily Reader)
All of these wonderful pamphlets and books are chocked full of great information on how to live our lives and take care of ourselves....whether the addict is using or not.
We can't control the addict. They are going to use or they won't. They don't do it to purposefully hurt us. That's the really ugly part of addiction. Although it sure seems like they are choosing drugs over us, they aren't. Addiction is a really baffling disease. Learning as much as you can about addiction and codependence will help you begin to cope with your boyfriends addiction. It will also help you put some of the puzzle pieces of your past together.
The number one suggestion around here is......take care of you.
gentle hugs
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