PrisonWife

So my husband is in prison on a violation for using after he just completed a drug rehab program. He was doing so well, and I learned SO much at the rehab.

Currently he has 2 months left on his prison time, then 6 months back at the program. I am sure he is currently using in prison. I have financially cut him off, and I am debating on what I should do about visiting and phone calls.

I hesitate to stop going to visiting because it is difficult on our 2 year old to suddenly not see daddy. However, we have an agreement we made when we were clean that he would not be around our son loaded. I have not actually seen him loaded in visiting but because of his selfish behaviors and asking me to do things he never usually would (clean) I know for sure he is using. Any suggestions/advice etc is welcome, what would you do?

Impurrfect

(((Prisonwife))) - welcome to SR!

I always go with my gut, on whether someone is using or not. Of course, it helps that, in addiction to being a recovering codependent, I'm a recovering addict.

I think your son is young enough that it wouldn't be that big a deal for him not to see daddy. There are several threads about how people have dealt with their children and their A (addict), but you may want to read through some of "HelloKitty"'s threads...her son is a bit older than yours, now, but she had to deal with the same issues when he was younger. She's always told him something like "daddy loves you, he's sick and can't see you, right now, but mommy will always be here for you".

I, personally, would want to see some good amount of recovery time, before I let him see my son, but that's just me. I have a niece, who I'm very close to. Her mama died when she was 1 (in a car wreck), and her dad has been an A forever, in and out of jails. The courts insisted on letting him see her, until they realized how much it was affecting her, in a bad way. I now have a 17-year-old, who I love dearly, but she is following in her daddy's footsteps, and that really hurts. She went through MY addiction, but doesn't realize she has a problem (she's been raised by my stepmom(her grandmother) and my dad, but I've been in her life since day 1, except when I was using)

So, this is why I have strong feelings about young children being subjected to addicts. You will do what you feel best, but you've come to a great place, with a lot of people who have been through similar situations, and I'm glad you're here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

outtolunch

Maybe it's just me here....I think there is something a tad inappropriate about bringing children into a prison for a visit.

wicked

Yes, I am uncomfortable with it too.
When my ex was in jail, he asked me to bring the kids, and I asked him if he was crazy.
"You are not at a Sunday brunch at church, you are in jail, so NO."
Especially since you know he is using again.


Beth

hello-kitty

i would certainly take a wait and see approach. 2 months is not that long for a child to go without seeing his father - especially if he is in prison and using drugs - and prone to relaspe when he gets out. It's much easier for a 2 year old to deal with the loss of a father than to wait until he is 5 or 7 or 10 and then deal with it.

All you need to say is this: Your daddy loves you, but he is sick. he will see you when he can. I love you and I will ALWAYS take care of you. (tickle tickle, would you like to play trains??)

wicked

Ah, the underlined part takes great skill and only you can do it, Prisonwife.

Beth

PrisonWife

I know... if I do say so myself my son is very lucky. He is my pride and joy and he saved my life from my own addiction. I am lucky to have him and he is lucky to have me.

I have tried the, "daddy is sick" he tells me "no no daddy not sick, daddy all better. Daddy see doctor and daddy all better" LOL

I don't know because my father was always there, so I don't have a good grasp on it being better to NEVER know your father. I have considered this, but it seems like it leaves a large hole in a child's heart and confusion about who they are and where they come from. I really don't know. I just do what seems best at the time.

hello-kitty

LOL

My son does that too. Hugs and kisses are a wonderful answer to that question. A quick tickle, glass of milk, a cookie and they won't remember what you were talking about. But it will create a lasting impression in their mind. Eventually, the child will remember that daddy is sick and that his absense has nothing to do with him. It's not ideal. but I think it's the best that can be done in this situation. And it's age appropriate. And, never forget... his father IS sick. He's mentally ill. It's called addiction.

Most people will tell you that it's better not to know your father when your father is flakey, irresponsible, unreliable, a bad example of how a parent should behave, not to mention mentally ill with active addiction. That type of influences hurts children even more than not having a relationship with their father.

You should certainly talk to a mental health counselor if you have questions or concerns about what type of behavior is the least damaging for your child to be exposed to.

hello-kitty

Actually just this morning I was talking to my 5 year old about his daddy. he brought it up. He was asking questions about his grandparents...

What was my daddy's dad's name? Patrick

Is he alive? No he is in heaven.

Maybe that's why my daddy is sick mama. Maybe he's sad because his daddy died.

Maybe honey. Some parents aren't able to make good choices when it comes to taking care of their children because they are sick. Your daddy loves you but he is not a healthy parent right now and he can't be here. I will always be here for you. I bet when you are older and you are a daddy, you will always be there for your kids.

MsPINKAcres

I have a daughter who's biological father was in and out of her life all the time she was growing up - It has deeply affected her!!! He would see her for about 6 months then disappear for a couple of years, come back and repeat the same cycle - I should have never let him see her at all.

For many many years - she blamed ME that he wouldn't stay in touch with her - especially when she was a teenager.

Today, she says - "Mom I know it was all him, I just don't why the other kids (her 1/2 brother and sisters) got to see him more than I did - why were they better than me."

Slowly she is finding out he did some of the same things to them too.

Sometimes in protecting our children - we find out we have to protect them from their unhealthy parent(s).

PINK HUGS to you!