Dignity

For the third time in his life my son has relapsed and left behind a family that is devastated. We all thought he was doing so well. He has been running his own company, dating a professional woman and taking pretty good care of himself.After he relapsed he expressed interest in getting into rehab. and was suppose to go this past Monday. He didn't go. We have no idea where he is living but I'm pretty sure he is in harms way. We have done Alanon and I have spent time with a professional Addiction Therapist so it looks like back to Alanon we go. Guess we never should have stopped going. My question for you all is this. My son has a cell phone that I pay for. Should really have had the payment come out of the company but I never switched it over. There is money in the business account that I could use for the phone.....but~~do I shut it off completely or let him keep it and pay through the company. I'm so mad right now that I don't want to make decisions out of bitterness instead of caring. With his last 2 relapses my husband and I were right there to support him with rehab...this time I feel he must make all the decisions and I have not had any communication with him. He has texted my hubby a few times with business stuff but we are stirring clear of telling him what to do..this is so sad, so heartbeating....and to top it off we have a family member that has had a stroke and is in a rehab himself. I'm running in a few directions and sure could use some serenity right now. Thanks!!for being here.

nodaybut2day

I know this may sound heartless, but he is a grown man and can pay for his own cell phone. I'd shut it off.

Dignity

You don't sound heartless~~~~Seeing that I have no contact with him I don't even want to ask about paying for it with company money. I know your right......I just still fester Fear~~thanks

nodaybut2day

*hugs* to you Dignity.

Kindeyes

I've also done the on again off again 12 step program. For me, it didn't work so well.

Turn fear into faith. I love that saying. I repeat it as needed.

gentle hugs

keepinon

I did turn the phone off on my 18 year old addict daughter.Letting them feel the consequences of their actions is what helps people hit bottom.It sounds like he works for you..would you have another actively using employee on staff?

Dignity

keepinon~~He doesn't work for us...He has his own company, his company money etc...right now We have the checkbook to that company and he is fuming. Not so good but my hubby and myself will not give it to him to spend money on drugs. I know...we need alot of help with this one. He is the sole owner and the business has been put on hold for the moment. Its OK cause its winter here and not alot of construction going on. Its his problem to figure out, right??

ZombieWife

You're not being vindictive. He's old enough to pay for his own phone. If he can't afford it because he's using money on drugs, then that's his cross to bear right now.

Dignity

The thing is~~he has no money. He's living with a friend and we have all his money. I won't give him a thing. Its likeI'm waiting it out and hoping he gets to rehab. The business checkbook is here as is the business truck he drove. I'm feeling stroger than I did the last time he relapsed but its just so hard to think he doesn't care about his family atll......tough life those addicts live,

keepinon

It's not that he doesn't care..he does I'm sure..he's sick.You know that , but it feels like a slap in the face when it happens again.Try not to take it personally because it is NOT personal.
I guess I'm confused as to why if he's a business owner you and Dad even have acccess to his checkbook and truck.
One thing I learned in Alanon was not to prevent a crisis, but also not to create one.
What worked for me was stepping back and letting those consequences happen and not jumping in to soften any of it..
When I am in crisis I also double up on my meetings...I'm really sorry this is happening, but take care of yourself..let him worry about his relapse

Dignity

keepinon~~ when the business started we put the truck in my husbands name for cheaper insurance. Title also. We really did have faith that this would work. Believe me, I wish everything could have been in my sons name. These problems wouldn't have arisen again. If my son gets the truck and title in his name we will give it to him...No way would I let an addict have anything in our name and "US" be responsible if something happened. I know all this will get ironed out but for the first time in our lives this no contact with him is just a little unnerving. I told my son when the business started...if you ever do drugs again I will let you go...I have to . He may be in a homeless shelter for all I know but I have to stay strong this time and I need you all right now to help me do that..Thanks~

keepinon

Sticking to what you said is really important..hang in there..My daughter is in recovery, but when using we went up to 8 weeks at a time no contact..you will get thru this..meetings and focusing my attention on the healthy people in my life really helped me...maybe a girls nite, movie with your husband, good work out..keeping busy helps.

wicked

You can do this Dignity. It is horrible when my son goes back out there, but I cannot talk to him and we are clear on that.
Keep on working your recovery.
All you can do right now.
I am sorry for your sorrow.

Beth

ZombieWife

If he wants a phone, he can purchase one himself (with his own funds). Is the phone because he wants it or because you want a way to communicate with him?

Dignity

Zombiewife, I'm not quite sure how to answer that. Well~~I do. I want so badly to turn it off but on the other hand if he wants to reach out for rehab and help I want him tobe able to no matter where he is. My head says turn it off~~my heart says let him keep it. I know~ I sound so confused. My moms 97 year old hubby had a stroke. She;s 87 and I'm trying to keep her above ground, I watch my grandson 3 afternoons a week and I'm concerned about my son. Right now I just want to run away and breath without feeling this pain in my heart.....thanks!

ZombieWife

Well, the choice is yours. But, if he wants rehab that badly, he'll call you collect from a pay phone.

Kindeyes

Dignity
I've been where you are fairly recently (within the last six months). I understand the fear and anguish.

My son still had a bank account with me as co-signer. I closed the account. That was the last thing he still had that we were in any way financially tied to him. I will never (even though he is currently in recovery) co-sign on anything again. Ever. Regardless of how long he is in recovery. Never. My boundary. My choice.

He was living on the streets. Couch surfing. DOC was meth but he was shooting up heroin as well. I was braced to lose him. It was very hard.

Drug addicts are very resourceful. If he needs to contact you, he will. Of that have no doubt. If you have a phone (land line or cell) and he has the number. He will contact you if he wants to.

When they are really spiraling downward, it's very hard to step away and let them fall. It's very hard to maintain compassion without enabling. And only you can decide what you can live with.

Your son is in the hands of his HP. I'll keep you and your beloved son in my prayers.

gentle hugs


PS -- My son is currently in recovery. I live in today and appreciate that he is addressing his addiction and I don't project into the future of "what ifs". I'll cross any bridge if and when I get to it.

devastated

Funny this should come up today because my son is currently in a rehab, court-appointed, for the next 3 months. He has only been there for 5 days so far, and cannot use his cellphone for 30 days. I've been thinking about this cellphone business and know as soon as the 30 days is up, he'll call and ask "Mom, please pay for my cellphone!"

My answer is going to come from my heart. The answer will be NOPE! I'm, sick and tired of him wasting his life and expecting me to TAKE CARE OF HIM AND HIS PROBLEMS.

Come on, he's 48 years old now and still not acting responsibly.

You're doing the right thing, say no!

Hugs, Devastated

ladyhawk69

I watch Dr. Phil and I love him. The last program was about parents and grown children. He said to the daughter (about her phone that mom paid for) "If you can't afford it, you can't have it".

And B, he will continue to do this until he picks himself up by himself. Don't feel bad, turn off the phone. If he wants rehab bad enough, he knows how to get there. Take care of yourself and your mom and her hubby!

Hugs, K

dorton

I too have struggled with the phone thing. It seems like your last link to them and you want to do anything to keep that link. The last time my son left my home due to drugs I did take the phone and you know he found a way to contact me. He did what he had to do, just as your son will. My son has been told, and he believes me, that if he choses to use again he will have no contact with me. When I asked him to repeat what would happen if he used again he said "I will be gone forever" I told him that contact with me would only last until he had proven himself, but that he would never be allowed to live in my home again. funny enough I think taking the phone played a big part in him beliveing that I will not have any contact with him should he use again. But the bottom line is you have to be at peace with what you do. If you aren't then you might as well do nothing, it has the same effect.