My son says I am the problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 24
My son says I am the problem
I posted this in another forum and was directed here. I'm reposting from the other thread.
I'm a mother - here about my 18 year old son. Forgive me for the long story.
I had a boy. He was amazing - bright, cooperative, enthusiastic, athletic. I never had to check on his homework. He always had lots of friends.
But we moved when he was in 9th grade. He made the baseball team and new friends. He got his braces off and became "kind of a big deal" at his new school. He was happy but all of a sudden, he didn't seem grounded?
By 11th grade, his school work had dropped off. His personality had changed - he was rude and disrespectful. We found a couple of clues as to use of pot but he denied it. As his mother, I focused on his falling grades and started nagging him - sometimes yelling at him for not doing his work.
12th grade continued even worse - in the fall he broke up with his girlfriend and seemed depressed. Then a new friend starting hanging around. It seemed obvious they were high together but we couldn't prove it. His group of friends was limited to the same 4 boys including this one boy.
I continued to get after him about his school work and grades which were horrible. As it turned out, he almost didn't graduate. From honor student to barely making it through in two years. He was angry at me for nagging at him.
We found out that the parents of one of his friends were allowing this group of boys to do pot at their home. The father had decided to teach his son responsible use of drugs (d'uh) and when the other boys started showing up he let them all have a place to do drugs so they would be "safe".
In early spring my son got stopped for speeding and an empty plastic bag was laying in plain sight of the officer - who arrested him for possession of marijuana.
He was put into a diversionary program where he had to stay clean for six months and attend two meetings a week and he could have had the whole incident expunged. But he continued to hang around with the same friends. At one point, we caught him in our home drinking with one of his older sister's friends. My husband kicked him out.
After two weeks, I got him to come home so we could help him complete his program. But he lied to us regarding his attendance at meetings and he was still hanging around with the same friends. I continued to nag at him. Constantly lecturing about his future and how a record would affect his ability to get a job, travel, compete in sports etc. I couldn't keep my dislike for his friends to myself - constantly telling him he needed to stay away from them - especially the one friend.
That particular friend appeared to almost infiltrate every aspect of my son's life. He changed colleges to go to the same one as my son - even transferring into one or two of the same classes. He got a summer job at the same place as my son and at one point they tried to get an apartment together. It was an odd situation as that boys father had a lease on an apartment he was trying to get out of and he was encouraging my son to move into the apartment. I talked to the father and told him the situation and said the apartment wouldn't work for my son - or our family financially but he still pushed it. I finally ended up threatening to get the police involved if he didn't back off.
But by then my son had been kicked out of the diversionary program and had to reappear in court. He pleaded guilty to possession but the judge gave him an opportunity to convert that to a probation before judgement plea in 60 days if he basically went back into the program, got clean, attended 4 NA meetings per week.
He was on track for all of two weeks when something must have changed and he started hanging around with that same boy plus he leaves the house sometimes and doesn't come back until 3 or 4 in the morning. Two weeks ago, they got stopped at 3 in the morning and the other boy got busted with a larger amount of pot including pipes and a scale.
The police dropped the intent to sell charge in return for the other boy rolling over on some other person. There are still 4 other charges against him right now. Although our son was not charged with anything, they took his name and driver's license info - and he is on probation.
Again, I continue to nag at him - get upset with him about everything. He's not been in compliance with his probation (number of meetings) yet he still says he's going to appeal for the probation before judgement. I think he's going to jail. He says it's all my fault because I won't leave him alone and I'm constantly on his case. I feel like I tried to support him but every time I back off and he seems to be doing okay - we get blind sided with some other incident or extremely bad decision.
Is it me??? Did I nag my son into hanging out with the losers? I feel that any normal person would have backed off at the first brush with the law - and would have done what they could to get rid of that. But he has continued this into a nightmare that just won't end - and gets worse and worse and worse. On top of it, he continues to defend his friend who I see as a slimy, druggee, loser (and dealer).
My son says I am the problem. I nag at him, don't like his friends etc. I tell him that I didn't nag or yell at him until two years ago when he started not doing his work etc. We had such a great relationship until then but it's like he's developed amnesia and he doesn't remember anything except me nagging at him. I've just been so frustrated. I've told him I don't know who he is but could he please bring "Kyle" back - not the 15 year old Kyle but the honest hardworking enthusiastic person he was. He tells me that Kyle is not coming back - he's changed.
What should I do?
I'm a mother - here about my 18 year old son. Forgive me for the long story.
I had a boy. He was amazing - bright, cooperative, enthusiastic, athletic. I never had to check on his homework. He always had lots of friends.
But we moved when he was in 9th grade. He made the baseball team and new friends. He got his braces off and became "kind of a big deal" at his new school. He was happy but all of a sudden, he didn't seem grounded?
By 11th grade, his school work had dropped off. His personality had changed - he was rude and disrespectful. We found a couple of clues as to use of pot but he denied it. As his mother, I focused on his falling grades and started nagging him - sometimes yelling at him for not doing his work.
12th grade continued even worse - in the fall he broke up with his girlfriend and seemed depressed. Then a new friend starting hanging around. It seemed obvious they were high together but we couldn't prove it. His group of friends was limited to the same 4 boys including this one boy.
I continued to get after him about his school work and grades which were horrible. As it turned out, he almost didn't graduate. From honor student to barely making it through in two years. He was angry at me for nagging at him.
We found out that the parents of one of his friends were allowing this group of boys to do pot at their home. The father had decided to teach his son responsible use of drugs (d'uh) and when the other boys started showing up he let them all have a place to do drugs so they would be "safe".
In early spring my son got stopped for speeding and an empty plastic bag was laying in plain sight of the officer - who arrested him for possession of marijuana.
He was put into a diversionary program where he had to stay clean for six months and attend two meetings a week and he could have had the whole incident expunged. But he continued to hang around with the same friends. At one point, we caught him in our home drinking with one of his older sister's friends. My husband kicked him out.
After two weeks, I got him to come home so we could help him complete his program. But he lied to us regarding his attendance at meetings and he was still hanging around with the same friends. I continued to nag at him. Constantly lecturing about his future and how a record would affect his ability to get a job, travel, compete in sports etc. I couldn't keep my dislike for his friends to myself - constantly telling him he needed to stay away from them - especially the one friend.
That particular friend appeared to almost infiltrate every aspect of my son's life. He changed colleges to go to the same one as my son - even transferring into one or two of the same classes. He got a summer job at the same place as my son and at one point they tried to get an apartment together. It was an odd situation as that boys father had a lease on an apartment he was trying to get out of and he was encouraging my son to move into the apartment. I talked to the father and told him the situation and said the apartment wouldn't work for my son - or our family financially but he still pushed it. I finally ended up threatening to get the police involved if he didn't back off.
But by then my son had been kicked out of the diversionary program and had to reappear in court. He pleaded guilty to possession but the judge gave him an opportunity to convert that to a probation before judgement plea in 60 days if he basically went back into the program, got clean, attended 4 NA meetings per week.
He was on track for all of two weeks when something must have changed and he started hanging around with that same boy plus he leaves the house sometimes and doesn't come back until 3 or 4 in the morning. Two weeks ago, they got stopped at 3 in the morning and the other boy got busted with a larger amount of pot including pipes and a scale.
The police dropped the intent to sell charge in return for the other boy rolling over on some other person. There are still 4 other charges against him right now. Although our son was not charged with anything, they took his name and driver's license info - and he is on probation.
Again, I continue to nag at him - get upset with him about everything. He's not been in compliance with his probation (number of meetings) yet he still says he's going to appeal for the probation before judgement. I think he's going to jail. He says it's all my fault because I won't leave him alone and I'm constantly on his case. I feel like I tried to support him but every time I back off and he seems to be doing okay - we get blind sided with some other incident or extremely bad decision.
Is it me??? Did I nag my son into hanging out with the losers? I feel that any normal person would have backed off at the first brush with the law - and would have done what they could to get rid of that. But he has continued this into a nightmare that just won't end - and gets worse and worse and worse. On top of it, he continues to defend his friend who I see as a slimy, druggee, loser (and dealer).
My son says I am the problem. I nag at him, don't like his friends etc. I tell him that I didn't nag or yell at him until two years ago when he started not doing his work etc. We had such a great relationship until then but it's like he's developed amnesia and he doesn't remember anything except me nagging at him. I've just been so frustrated. I've told him I don't know who he is but could he please bring "Kyle" back - not the 15 year old Kyle but the honest hardworking enthusiastic person he was. He tells me that Kyle is not coming back - he's changed.
What should I do?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Vandawglier: Welcome to SR. You have found a source of great information and support as you go through this journey of your son's drug use.
There's a lot to learn - way more than I can write here. So you really have your homework before you now. I would suggest reading the stickies at the top. If you are a book-reader, there are good books out there on what drugs do to the brain and the ensuing behavior of the drug user - the phrases they use, the arguments they put out there to us, etc. As I said, there's a lot to learn.
You have taken the typical path of 99.9% of us parents. We have helped our children traverse through bumpy areas in their lives, and we have had success at helping them do that. We see glimpses of what they are going to be like as responsible young adult men/women, and we are pleased that we had a hand in that. But drug use is a different ballgame.
Statistics say all kids experiment with drugs. The trouble is, some of those experimenters, because of genetics (not you!) are gripped by the drugs. Their brain changes, and so their behavior changes. This is what has happened to your son.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.
But you can have an influence on this thing that has happened to your son. Unfortunately, the influence that we learn to exert is counterintuitive to our previous responses (before drug use). Fortunately, your husband is strong enough to understand the necessity of your son needing to leave your home now that he is of legal age. But that is not the end of the world, as devastating as you might envision that to be.
You will also hear much advice on here about Alanon and Naranon meetings for the families of drug users. Go to those as much as you can.
Again, welcome to this site. You will find much support and wisdom here because there are many of us who have been where you are at.
There's a lot to learn - way more than I can write here. So you really have your homework before you now. I would suggest reading the stickies at the top. If you are a book-reader, there are good books out there on what drugs do to the brain and the ensuing behavior of the drug user - the phrases they use, the arguments they put out there to us, etc. As I said, there's a lot to learn.
You have taken the typical path of 99.9% of us parents. We have helped our children traverse through bumpy areas in their lives, and we have had success at helping them do that. We see glimpses of what they are going to be like as responsible young adult men/women, and we are pleased that we had a hand in that. But drug use is a different ballgame.
Statistics say all kids experiment with drugs. The trouble is, some of those experimenters, because of genetics (not you!) are gripped by the drugs. Their brain changes, and so their behavior changes. This is what has happened to your son.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.
But you can have an influence on this thing that has happened to your son. Unfortunately, the influence that we learn to exert is counterintuitive to our previous responses (before drug use). Fortunately, your husband is strong enough to understand the necessity of your son needing to leave your home now that he is of legal age. But that is not the end of the world, as devastating as you might envision that to be.
You will also hear much advice on here about Alanon and Naranon meetings for the families of drug users. Go to those as much as you can.
Again, welcome to this site. You will find much support and wisdom here because there are many of us who have been where you are at.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Vandawglier, I am also the mother of an addict and something we moms have in common is that our kids will blame us, tell us we're crazy, and sadly lie and steal from us as the disease progresses.
The alternative would be for them to admit their drug use and have to take responsibility for their own bad choices. Active addicts are unable to do this, it seems.
What helped me get through the dark days was to find live meetings. CoDA, Nar-Anon and Al-anon are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us regain our balance and our sanity. Maybe check your area and try a few meetings near you.
And keep posting here, you will find lots of support as we share our own experience, strength and hope, and this may help you see that you are not to blame, you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it...the 3 C's we call that.
Glad you joined us and hope you find some comfort here.
Hugs
The alternative would be for them to admit their drug use and have to take responsibility for their own bad choices. Active addicts are unable to do this, it seems.
What helped me get through the dark days was to find live meetings. CoDA, Nar-Anon and Al-anon are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us regain our balance and our sanity. Maybe check your area and try a few meetings near you.
And keep posting here, you will find lots of support as we share our own experience, strength and hope, and this may help you see that you are not to blame, you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it...the 3 C's we call that.
Glad you joined us and hope you find some comfort here.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
My son used a lot of diversionary tactics. As long as we were arguing about my attitude or my rules or whatever, we were NOT talking about his drug use. He became an expert at the "re-direct", changing subjects etc, making it emotional and personal so we ended up doing the same dance day after day.
Like Ann, I found help in meetings. I learned from recovery friends that I was robbing my son of the dignity of his own choices and consequences. If I got out of the way, he was more able to learn his own life lessons. It was so hard, yet it was the healthiest thing for both of us.
I remember saying to myself and to others who would ask about him: "D has some really important life lessons to learn right now, and apparently they aren't from me."
It helped. Coming here helps as well, to talk with and listen to other moms who have gone before me.
Hugs from mom to mom.
Like Ann, I found help in meetings. I learned from recovery friends that I was robbing my son of the dignity of his own choices and consequences. If I got out of the way, he was more able to learn his own life lessons. It was so hard, yet it was the healthiest thing for both of us.
I remember saying to myself and to others who would ask about him: "D has some really important life lessons to learn right now, and apparently they aren't from me."
It helped. Coming here helps as well, to talk with and listen to other moms who have gone before me.
Hugs from mom to mom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Welcome to SR! The others have already given you some good insight. I have to say that Naranon meetings saved my life. I was literally ready for a nervous breakdown by the time I walked in the doors of my first meeting. Then there is this site, which is open 24/7.....I needed that in my darkest hours. Read around, keep posting, get to meetings, and please remember you are NOT alone. We understand.
Hugs from another mom,
Chris
Hugs from another mom,
Chris
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Well..you are crazy ..as was I.Addiction is a family disease and we try to control an uncontrollable situation and it actually does make us sick and crazy.Here is what we know for sure...your nagging is not working.I go to alanon where I learned about boundaries, detaching, staying out of the way vs. constantly interfering.I was a nagger and a screamer..doesn't work on addicts. Your son is now an adult and will make his own decision (sounds like he has for a while). What helped me the most was learning about addiction and getting support at alanon. I chose to not let an active addict live in my home for many reasons..my sanity being high up on the list. When you change your reactions, it can really spark alot of change in the situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
One of the first things they told us parents at my daughter's rehab, was to stop 'parenting' our adult addicts, even if they just turned 18. For a legal age addict, parenting equates to enabling.
Another thing I want to share is that a part of your son's brain is not done forming. It's the prefontal cortex and it's where rewards/consequences are stored among other things. It finishes developing by somewhere around 25 years of age.
With your son being legal age and your consequences no longer having an positive effect, legal consequences may be the only thing left that make an impact before more devastating ones are needed.
Your son's emotional development stopped when he began using and won't continue until he stops. His brain hasn't developed adequate coping skills and replaced it with memories of instant gratification.
Please consider a recovery program for yourself. Addiction is not part of the transition period we parents were expecting and even looking forward to. I needed help learning coping skills of my own and letting go of the dreams I had for my daughter.
Another thing I want to share is that a part of your son's brain is not done forming. It's the prefontal cortex and it's where rewards/consequences are stored among other things. It finishes developing by somewhere around 25 years of age.
With your son being legal age and your consequences no longer having an positive effect, legal consequences may be the only thing left that make an impact before more devastating ones are needed.
Your son's emotional development stopped when he began using and won't continue until he stops. His brain hasn't developed adequate coping skills and replaced it with memories of instant gratification.
Please consider a recovery program for yourself. Addiction is not part of the transition period we parents were expecting and even looking forward to. I needed help learning coping skills of my own and letting go of the dreams I had for my daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 24
When I read the part about letting go of the dreams you had for your child, I burst out crying.
My son was an elite athlete - competing in a sport at its highest levels. When I think of what he has thrown away, I just want to sit in a corner and cry.
He's also surrounded by adults (parents of his friends) who have not behaved like any parents I've been involved with before. He's been surrounded by adults of questionable character - older and smarter than him. They've not only influenced him, I believe they've used him and taken advantage of him. So, I'm afraid for him too because of this.
Sounds crazy and maybe it is. Regardless, he still has a problem.
My son was an elite athlete - competing in a sport at its highest levels. When I think of what he has thrown away, I just want to sit in a corner and cry.
He's also surrounded by adults (parents of his friends) who have not behaved like any parents I've been involved with before. He's been surrounded by adults of questionable character - older and smarter than him. They've not only influenced him, I believe they've used him and taken advantage of him. So, I'm afraid for him too because of this.
Sounds crazy and maybe it is. Regardless, he still has a problem.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
We have to grieve..but also remember that they were OUR dreams.They will walk their own path and it often is nothing like the one we had planned . As for the other parents..my daughters abusive addict boyfriends mother gave her heroin for the first time. She took it. She could have said no. The sooner I quit blaming other people for her choices, the quicker I got better.
Many people do not consider marijuana to be especially harmful..these parents may also have known that their child was using it anyways and in an attempt to control it, allowed it in their home.Not a good idea to me, but perhaps they too are desperate to control their childs drug use.
The whole "wrong crowd " thing kinda gets to me because it takes the responsibility off of the individual.At a certain point I had to admit to myself that my child wasn't just hanging with the wrong crowd, she WAS the wrong crowd.
Alanon helped me realize I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it..but also that i can'tConrtibute to it. Takes a while sometimes to see out part in it, but we do have a part in it.Enabling in any way is contributing to the addiction and standing in the way of recovery.
Many people do not consider marijuana to be especially harmful..these parents may also have known that their child was using it anyways and in an attempt to control it, allowed it in their home.Not a good idea to me, but perhaps they too are desperate to control their childs drug use.
The whole "wrong crowd " thing kinda gets to me because it takes the responsibility off of the individual.At a certain point I had to admit to myself that my child wasn't just hanging with the wrong crowd, she WAS the wrong crowd.
Alanon helped me realize I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it..but also that i can'tConrtibute to it. Takes a while sometimes to see out part in it, but we do have a part in it.Enabling in any way is contributing to the addiction and standing in the way of recovery.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
" I had a boy. He was amazing "
You still have an amazing boy. ALWAYS think this.
Your boy is struggling. If you can, no more criticizing. Instead listen and learn.
Help your son get all the help he needs. He may not be willing @ 1st - be patient.
Keep him close and keep learning what is going on with him so you can see
when it is a good time to nudge him into treatment.
When a child seems most unlovable is the very time they need our love the most.
In the meantime, learn all you can about the family disease of addiction
and your role in it. See if there is a parent's alanon group in your area.
On-line directory will specify types of meetings.
Don't reject who your son has become. Under the drug use there is your boy who is struggling.
You're wise enough not to believe lies or be manipulated, which is what his addiction will lead him to do.
You still have an amazing boy. ALWAYS think this.
Your boy is struggling. If you can, no more criticizing. Instead listen and learn.
Help your son get all the help he needs. He may not be willing @ 1st - be patient.
Keep him close and keep learning what is going on with him so you can see
when it is a good time to nudge him into treatment.
When a child seems most unlovable is the very time they need our love the most.
In the meantime, learn all you can about the family disease of addiction
and your role in it. See if there is a parent's alanon group in your area.
On-line directory will specify types of meetings.
Don't reject who your son has become. Under the drug use there is your boy who is struggling.
You're wise enough not to believe lies or be manipulated, which is what his addiction will lead him to do.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
the 3 C's
YOU did not cause this
YOU can not control this
and YOU can not cure it
if you dont remember anything....at least remember those 3 c's....they help out every single day
YOU did not cause this
YOU can not control this
and YOU can not cure it
if you dont remember anything....at least remember those 3 c's....they help out every single day
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey V
Welcome to SR........I hope you find hope and comfort here.
In some ways, your son is right about all of us. We do become a part of the problem but it originates with the behaviors associated with alcohol and drug use. We respond with predictable actions as parents or loved ones.......and thus begins the dance.
We fear for their future. We fear that they will make a terrible mistake that will land them in jail. We fear that they will get into an accident. We fear where their alcohol and drug use will lead them. We fear the people they hang out with. We fear that they could die. We fear.......so much that we can't sleep. We react to them while sleep deprived and afraid. And often we aren't thinking well......at least I can speak for myself.
Stick around. Learn as much as you can. You'll be better prepared to deal with your son if you are armed with knowledge.
Most importantly........take care of yourself. When we take the focus off of them and focus on ourselves, things often get better.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR........I hope you find hope and comfort here.
In some ways, your son is right about all of us. We do become a part of the problem but it originates with the behaviors associated with alcohol and drug use. We respond with predictable actions as parents or loved ones.......and thus begins the dance.
We fear for their future. We fear that they will make a terrible mistake that will land them in jail. We fear that they will get into an accident. We fear where their alcohol and drug use will lead them. We fear the people they hang out with. We fear that they could die. We fear.......so much that we can't sleep. We react to them while sleep deprived and afraid. And often we aren't thinking well......at least I can speak for myself.
Stick around. Learn as much as you can. You'll be better prepared to deal with your son if you are armed with knowledge.
Most importantly........take care of yourself. When we take the focus off of them and focus on ourselves, things often get better.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Yes and no, no and yes...
What came before matters little. What was done before matters even less. What is absolute is that you have a problem and he has a problem. Your problem is yours, his problem is his. You are responsible fully for yours, and your adult son is responsible fully for his.
Here is your possible solution. This is for you, not for your son:
Area24 MarylandDc AFG INc..
Take care,
Cyranoak
Here is your possible solution. This is for you, not for your son:
Area24 MarylandDc AFG INc..
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Vandawglier 
I posted this in another forum and was directed here. I'm reposting from the other thread.
I'm a mother - here about my 18 year old son. Forgive me for the long story.
I had a boy. He was amazing - bright, cooperative, enthusiastic, athletic. I never had to check on his homework. He always had lots of friends.
But we moved when he was in 9th grade. He made the baseball team and new friends. He got his braces off and became "kind of a big deal" at his new school. He was happy but all of a sudden, he didn't seem grounded?
By 11th grade, his school work had dropped off. His personality had changed - he was rude and disrespectful. We found a couple of clues as to use of pot but he denied it. As his mother, I focused on his falling grades and started nagging him - sometimes yelling at him for not doing his work.
12th grade continued even worse - in the fall he broke up with his girlfriend and seemed depressed. Then a new friend starting hanging around. It seemed obvious they were high together but we couldn't prove it. His group of friends was limited to the same 4 boys including this one boy.
I continued to get after him about his school work and grades which were horrible. As it turned out, he almost didn't graduate. From honor student to barely making it through in two years. He was angry at me for nagging at him.
We found out that the parents of one of his friends were allowing this group of boys to do pot at their home. The father had decided to teach his son responsible use of drugs (d'uh) and when the other boys started showing up he let them all have a place to do drugs so they would be "safe".
In early spring my son got stopped for speeding and an empty plastic bag was laying in plain sight of the officer - who arrested him for possession of marijuana.
He was put into a diversionary program where he had to stay clean for six months and attend two meetings a week and he could have had the whole incident expunged. But he continued to hang around with the same friends. At one point, we caught him in our home drinking with one of his older sister's friends. My husband kicked him out.
After two weeks, I got him to come home so we could help him complete his program. But he lied to us regarding his attendance at meetings and he was still hanging around with the same friends. I continued to nag at him. Constantly lecturing about his future and how a record would affect his ability to get a job, travel, compete in sports etc. I couldn't keep my dislike for his friends to myself - constantly telling him he needed to stay away from them - especially the one friend.
That particular friend appeared to almost infiltrate every aspect of my son's life. He changed colleges to go to the same one as my son - even transferring into one or two of the same classes. He got a summer job at the same place as my son and at one point they tried to get an apartment together. It was an odd situation as that boys father had a lease on an apartment he was trying to get out of and he was encouraging my son to move into the apartment. I talked to the father and told him the situation and said the apartment wouldn't work for my son - or our family financially but he still pushed it. I finally ended up threatening to get the police involved if he didn't back off.
But by then my son had been kicked out of the diversionary program and had to reappear in court. He pleaded guilty to possession but the judge gave him an opportunity to convert that to a probation before judgement plea in 60 days if he basically went back into the program, got clean, attended 4 NA meetings per week.
He was on track for all of two weeks when something must have changed and he started hanging around with that same boy plus he leaves the house sometimes and doesn't come back until 3 or 4 in the morning. Two weeks ago, they got stopped at 3 in the morning and the other boy got busted with a larger amount of pot including pipes and a scale.
The police dropped the intent to sell charge in return for the other boy rolling over on some other person. There are still 4 other charges against him right now. Although our son was not charged with anything, they took his name and driver's license info - and he is on probation.
Again, I continue to nag at him - get upset with him about everything. He's not been in compliance with his probation (number of meetings) yet he still says he's going to appeal for the probation before judgement. I think he's going to jail. He says it's all my fault because I won't leave him alone and I'm constantly on his case. I feel like I tried to support him but every time I back off and he seems to be doing okay - we get blind sided with some other incident or extremely bad decision.
Is it me??? Did I nag my son into hanging out with the losers? I feel that any normal person would have backed off at the first brush with the law - and would have done what they could to get rid of that. But he has continued this into a nightmare that just won't end - and gets worse and worse and worse. On top of it, he continues to defend his friend who I see as a slimy, druggee, loser (and dealer).
My son says I am the problem. I nag at him, don't like his friends etc. I tell him that I didn't nag or yell at him until two years ago when he started not doing his work etc. We had such a great relationship until then but it's like he's developed amnesia and he doesn't remember anything except me nagging at him. I've just been so frustrated. I've told him I don't know who he is but could he please bring "Kyle" back - not the 15 year old Kyle but the honest hardworking enthusiastic person he was. He tells me that Kyle is not coming back - he's changed.
What should I do?
I'm a mother - here about my 18 year old son. Forgive me for the long story.
I had a boy. He was amazing - bright, cooperative, enthusiastic, athletic. I never had to check on his homework. He always had lots of friends.
But we moved when he was in 9th grade. He made the baseball team and new friends. He got his braces off and became "kind of a big deal" at his new school. He was happy but all of a sudden, he didn't seem grounded?
By 11th grade, his school work had dropped off. His personality had changed - he was rude and disrespectful. We found a couple of clues as to use of pot but he denied it. As his mother, I focused on his falling grades and started nagging him - sometimes yelling at him for not doing his work.
12th grade continued even worse - in the fall he broke up with his girlfriend and seemed depressed. Then a new friend starting hanging around. It seemed obvious they were high together but we couldn't prove it. His group of friends was limited to the same 4 boys including this one boy.
I continued to get after him about his school work and grades which were horrible. As it turned out, he almost didn't graduate. From honor student to barely making it through in two years. He was angry at me for nagging at him.
We found out that the parents of one of his friends were allowing this group of boys to do pot at their home. The father had decided to teach his son responsible use of drugs (d'uh) and when the other boys started showing up he let them all have a place to do drugs so they would be "safe".
In early spring my son got stopped for speeding and an empty plastic bag was laying in plain sight of the officer - who arrested him for possession of marijuana.
He was put into a diversionary program where he had to stay clean for six months and attend two meetings a week and he could have had the whole incident expunged. But he continued to hang around with the same friends. At one point, we caught him in our home drinking with one of his older sister's friends. My husband kicked him out.
After two weeks, I got him to come home so we could help him complete his program. But he lied to us regarding his attendance at meetings and he was still hanging around with the same friends. I continued to nag at him. Constantly lecturing about his future and how a record would affect his ability to get a job, travel, compete in sports etc. I couldn't keep my dislike for his friends to myself - constantly telling him he needed to stay away from them - especially the one friend.
That particular friend appeared to almost infiltrate every aspect of my son's life. He changed colleges to go to the same one as my son - even transferring into one or two of the same classes. He got a summer job at the same place as my son and at one point they tried to get an apartment together. It was an odd situation as that boys father had a lease on an apartment he was trying to get out of and he was encouraging my son to move into the apartment. I talked to the father and told him the situation and said the apartment wouldn't work for my son - or our family financially but he still pushed it. I finally ended up threatening to get the police involved if he didn't back off.
But by then my son had been kicked out of the diversionary program and had to reappear in court. He pleaded guilty to possession but the judge gave him an opportunity to convert that to a probation before judgement plea in 60 days if he basically went back into the program, got clean, attended 4 NA meetings per week.
He was on track for all of two weeks when something must have changed and he started hanging around with that same boy plus he leaves the house sometimes and doesn't come back until 3 or 4 in the morning. Two weeks ago, they got stopped at 3 in the morning and the other boy got busted with a larger amount of pot including pipes and a scale.
The police dropped the intent to sell charge in return for the other boy rolling over on some other person. There are still 4 other charges against him right now. Although our son was not charged with anything, they took his name and driver's license info - and he is on probation.
Again, I continue to nag at him - get upset with him about everything. He's not been in compliance with his probation (number of meetings) yet he still says he's going to appeal for the probation before judgement. I think he's going to jail. He says it's all my fault because I won't leave him alone and I'm constantly on his case. I feel like I tried to support him but every time I back off and he seems to be doing okay - we get blind sided with some other incident or extremely bad decision.
Is it me??? Did I nag my son into hanging out with the losers? I feel that any normal person would have backed off at the first brush with the law - and would have done what they could to get rid of that. But he has continued this into a nightmare that just won't end - and gets worse and worse and worse. On top of it, he continues to defend his friend who I see as a slimy, druggee, loser (and dealer).
My son says I am the problem. I nag at him, don't like his friends etc. I tell him that I didn't nag or yell at him until two years ago when he started not doing his work etc. We had such a great relationship until then but it's like he's developed amnesia and he doesn't remember anything except me nagging at him. I've just been so frustrated. I've told him I don't know who he is but could he please bring "Kyle" back - not the 15 year old Kyle but the honest hardworking enthusiastic person he was. He tells me that Kyle is not coming back - he's changed.
What should I do?
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
My son started taking drugs somewhere in 10th grade. He was involved in different sports, had great grades at school and then whammo.
This was the time I had split up with his father and his world came crashing down. He started mixing with different kids and skipping school. It all turned into a nightmare from there. Back then I didnt have the internet to help me, and as that caring, loving mother I nagged too, wanting to know what he was doing or not doing. I basically went to hell and back I think with my son, it was horrible, not the son I had raised at all. I didnt even know him. Its so hard to let go - let our children make choices that we dont approve of. I became so very afraid of what might happen to him, sometimes i didnt even know where he was living.
Truth is though, once I stopped giving into him, judging him and being that idiot that was always there (right on time, you know when he needed money etc), things started to turn around slowly.
I remember my son coming over one day, seemingly disturbed and looked a little high. I asked him to go (because I wont have him there high).
He burst into tears, holding his breathe, and trembling. This is what he said to me, 'All I ever wanted, was for you to be proud of me' I will never forget that sentence. I had been so busy putting him down for using and every other thing he had done, that I forgot he was a person, a human being wanting love. I was so busy thinking about what he had done, that I forgot he might actually need help.
I started sending him little notes, made nice little gestures for him to come over for tea more often, told him I loved him heaps and hugged him.
It has taken much time and practice but today, I am extremely proud of him.
Maybe just back off a bit from your son, let him do what he has to do and let him know that you will be there, when he needs someone.
JJ
This was the time I had split up with his father and his world came crashing down. He started mixing with different kids and skipping school. It all turned into a nightmare from there. Back then I didnt have the internet to help me, and as that caring, loving mother I nagged too, wanting to know what he was doing or not doing. I basically went to hell and back I think with my son, it was horrible, not the son I had raised at all. I didnt even know him. Its so hard to let go - let our children make choices that we dont approve of. I became so very afraid of what might happen to him, sometimes i didnt even know where he was living.
Truth is though, once I stopped giving into him, judging him and being that idiot that was always there (right on time, you know when he needed money etc), things started to turn around slowly.
I remember my son coming over one day, seemingly disturbed and looked a little high. I asked him to go (because I wont have him there high).
He burst into tears, holding his breathe, and trembling. This is what he said to me, 'All I ever wanted, was for you to be proud of me' I will never forget that sentence. I had been so busy putting him down for using and every other thing he had done, that I forgot he was a person, a human being wanting love. I was so busy thinking about what he had done, that I forgot he might actually need help.
I started sending him little notes, made nice little gestures for him to come over for tea more often, told him I loved him heaps and hugged him.
It has taken much time and practice but today, I am extremely proud of him.
Maybe just back off a bit from your son, let him do what he has to do and let him know that you will be there, when he needs someone.
JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 24
Well, we had another fight and he told me I mean nothing to him. I could disappear tomorrow and he would be glad because he cares nothing for what I think.
I just don't know how to let go - I'm so afraid (and so angry).
Yes, I do need to go to Alanon or Naranon.
His friend is a drug dealer. Why would I possibly ever accept that person as part of my son's life? He's not welcome in my home - I have a younger daughter. I don't understand the other kids parents - they have younger kids as well. Why are those parents letting our son hang around over there? I just don't get it.
I'm so sick of this.
I just don't know how to let go - I'm so afraid (and so angry).
Yes, I do need to go to Alanon or Naranon.
His friend is a drug dealer. Why would I possibly ever accept that person as part of my son's life? He's not welcome in my home - I have a younger daughter. I don't understand the other kids parents - they have younger kids as well. Why are those parents letting our son hang around over there? I just don't get it.
I'm so sick of this.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
So sorry he said those things to you. Since he is 18, you don't have to put up with him in your home. You do have the right to tell him that if he feels that way, then he doesn't need your home, bed, food or anything else. Go find another place to hang your hat.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Vandawglier, Welcome to this site. Many of us mothers here, have gone through the same problems with our children. It's heartbreaking to say the least. When I realized my son was using drugs, I thought that I could do something to change it. I thought that I could make him realize that drugs are not the answer to anything. However, I was wrong. Nagging, and not accepting what he is doing, or who he was hanging out with doesn't work. Your son will eventually find out for himself. He has to learn on his own. It's his life. Not yours. He was only loaned to you for a short while. As mothers we want to protect. We want the best for our kids. Unfortunately, our kids think that certain drugs, and people are cool. Eventually they do find out that they were wrong. I reccomend Naranon, or Alanon. I only went a couple of times, but I learned so much. Even after they told me things, I still felt that I could change my son and his behavior. I WAS WRONG. The only person in control of your son, is himself. There's nothing you can do. Not allowing his drugs in your home, is a good thing. Letting him feel the consequences of his actions is another. You cannot protect him from jail, or other addicts that want to hang out with him. The only thing you can do, is to learn about drugs, and addiction. Learn what you can do to help yourself and your family without enabling your sons bad behavior. Addiction is a brain disease. The drugs affect the brain, and can take an honor student, and turn him into a criminal and a liar. It took me almost 2 years to accept that there wasn't anything I could do to change my sons actions. But, there was something I could do to help me. And that was to LET GO, or be dragged down by my son's drug use. As a mother I had, and still have a very hard time letting go, but I have backed off. Especially when I realized that what I was doing, wasn't helping at all. Now my son looks for my advice. As soon as I backed off, my son got help. He's been clean for a while now. Look for a Naranon or Alanon near you. They will give you the tools to detach. I remember when they told me to detach, I said Yeah right!!!! But, after another year of not listening to them, I soon learned that they were right. I got sick trying to control my addict son. It just doesn't work. I'm sorry this is a hard lesson for us mothers. Their lives are their own,to do what they want with. We have to live our lives, and they have to live theirs. Back Off, and let your son find another place to live if he is going to bring pot and drugs into your home. Stay firm, and calm. Eventually it will change. I don't know if it will be for better or worse, but it will change. I hope it goes the way you want it to go. Wishing you a blessing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I would not accept drug dealers in my home..that is perfectly reasonable.But focusing so much on why the other family puts up with it is a waste of time..who cares..maybe they are codependant, don't see a problem,maybe they are addicts themselves. going to meetings will help you to focus on what YOU need to do. Keeping your daughter safe and in a healthy environment is a good place to start.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
I feel for you. I am the mother of an active AD.
Please read the sticky at the top of the forum, "A message for new parents of addicts". It is what I encountered with my AD and believe me, it's NOT easy. However, the drugs and drug addictive behavior make it necessary for you to obtain the proper tools in order to remain sane yourself.
You will make it and you are not alone, believe me.
Hugs,
Marteen
Please read the sticky at the top of the forum, "A message for new parents of addicts". It is what I encountered with my AD and believe me, it's NOT easy. However, the drugs and drug addictive behavior make it necessary for you to obtain the proper tools in order to remain sane yourself.
You will make it and you are not alone, believe me.
Hugs,
Marteen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 24
[QUOTE]Your boy is struggling. If you can, no more criticizing. Instead listen and learn.
[QUOTE]
I know he's struggling but it's so hard not to criticize - especially when it seems that he manipulates and takes advantage of us when we do try to step back and let go. When we listen, that's when the BS seems to come.
[QUOTE]
I know he's struggling but it's so hard not to criticize - especially when it seems that he manipulates and takes advantage of us when we do try to step back and let go. When we listen, that's when the BS seems to come.
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