crazybabie

I am sorry your son said those hurtful things to you. Mine has done the same usually when he dosen't get his way. He has went as far as to tell me you brought me into this world so it is your fault.

Since you brought me here deal with it. That was one of the most painful things he said among MANY others.

I have two sons who are addicts and they are daylight and dark on how they treat me. I am not quite sure why. My other son has never stolen from me he will not show up high at my house and he dosen't say cruel things. They were both raised the same way so...

He is trying to make you feel guilty and manulipate IMO... that helps him take some blame off him and try and place it on you. I also, think he thought that wou would react a certain way to what he said.

We can not choose our childrens friends no matter how much we wish we could sometimes. Nor, can they choose ours.

I know at 18 at least IMO they are still immature, with that said they still have to make their own mistakes and learn life lessons just like we do.

Sending a hug your way...

Sunshine2

I remember how this dawned on me one day too. My son became the one convincing others to do drugs. He did indeed became the wrong crowd.

My son has said this and many other things to me too. I eventually realised that it wasn't personal. He was/is hurting and he wanted to hurt me too.

He told me it is my responsibility to look after him as I brought him into the world. I asked him why we didn't all move back to my mother with that type of argument. For once he was speechless.

keepinon

Listening and learning is a good idea, BUT when an addict is active what you are hearing is the disease talking and you SHOULDN'T listen to that. That's the manipulative stuff you are getting when you try to back off.Then he pulls out the big guns cuz his usual MO isn't working. I kinda lean more toward the don't listen to the "quackings" of an active addict. The hurtful things he says to you are just part of his addiction right now.He may have what they now call "Oppositional Defiance Disorder " and its real common in addicts of that age.My daughter was diagnosed with it. I believe that they used to just call it a "fu@* you " attitude, but now it's a diagnosible condition. It usually goes away when they quit using!
I would (and did!) keeo backing away, let the chips fall where they may, and let him fully feel the consequences of his addiction.Alanon will make it alot easier for you to do this.You got nothing to lose by going and everything to gain!

Angelic17

I totally agree with keepinon. All of those cruel words, and guilt trips are the drugs talking. When the addict gets clean, (IF) he ever gets clean, he will tell you that he was out of his mind when he said those things. At least that's what my son told me. Stay strong. Hang on to hope. My son is clean for months now, and doing so well. Every day that goes by, he sounds so much more like himself. He's not complaining and whining. He knows that he put himself into the dark hole of addiction. He also knows, that I am a very big part in how he got out of that hole. I never gave up. I never let him manipulate me, once I knew better. In the beginning of his addiction, he got away with it. Naranon helped me to see the difference between helping and enabling. Perfect example, Enabling is doing something for the addict, that he can and should be doing for himself. I learned. It took me time, but once I got tough, and gave tough love. He stopped. It's a miracle that I am so grateful for. I know better than to tell myself that it's over with forever. I just live in the day. And for today, all is well.

Vandawglier

I just found out that my son has dropped most of his classes at college. H'e been lying, saying he was going.

How could this have gone so wrong?

CatsPajamas

It's a progressive disease. I know that my son's decline went in steps. Different friends, problems at schools, lies and then more lies, many excuses, more lies, debates, changing the focus of the attention off of himself and onto anyone or anything else.

Even though his dad and I were no longer married we were able to talk about this and set some similar boundaries so that he couldn't continue to play one of us against the other.

It was a difficult time for all of us. Thankfully I was already active in Al Anon when this started happening.

keepinon

It goes so wrong because it is a cunning and baffling disease. My son pretended to got to school as well..breaks your heart and pisses you off at the same time. You have some power here as I assume you are paying for school. Think carefully about what you are willing to support.I am willing to support someone in active recovery, not active addiction. Hang in there..have you gone to any alanon meetings yet? The book Don't let Your Kids Kill You is really good too.

NeverLetGo23

I'm not sure if anyone else covered this, I'm just replying to your post.

You have to realize, that everything you're saying about his friend, you're saying about HIM. Essentially, in his mind, they're the same right now. Every time you express your discontent with his friend, in reality, he's taking it as a shot to him, since he's in the same boat. The reason he defends his friend so much, is because if he ever wanted to believe in himself, he'd have to know a person just like him could make it too.

Just as well, you can't blame yourself or let him guilt trip you into taking the fall for him. He needs to be mature and responsible with his choices, what you can do, however, is take what I said into consideration. If all you do is point the finger and play the blame game, instead of offering an open hand and forgiveness, you can do a lot of damage and put up a lot of walls.

Just my two cents.

dorton

V, I remember so well the days of wondering what I did that was so wrong. Those days are so painful and I sometimes fall into that trap again but you have to realize he will do and say ANYTHING to protect his addiction and there is nothing you can do to change that. You can't change him you can only change yourself and when he sees that you have changed he will either find his way back or leave alltogether. I remember the last time my son threatened to leave because I was mean to him and I went and held the door open for him and said don't let the door hit you on the way out, he had the most surprised look on his face he couldn't believe I had said that to him. But you know when he figured out I was serious he never threatened that one again. You have to be prepared for him to walk out that door though.
This is a long hard road and you just have to take it one breath at a time. You will make mistakes along the way but as long as you learn from those mistakes it will be ok. This site saved not only my sanity but my son's life as well because the people here gave me the courage to say no to him and that is what he needed more than anything in the world. Because sometimes the word no really means "I love you" Good luck, keep us informed.

Vandawglier

Again, I ask - can it be something more, like clinical depression?

This seemed to start around the time he broke up with his girlfriend. My daughter said he was devastated and cried at night for a long time (I didn't know that or I would have taken him to see someone).

That was the time that his friend started hanging around - when he was down and vulnerable. Since then, he's had an unbelievable personality change going from a kind hearted, conscientious happy kid to this person who is unrecognizable. HOW DO I GET MY SON BACK??

He's laying in bed - stayed out too late. Can't do anything during the day. Totally unmotivated to be productive in anyway or to face and fix any problems in his life.

I can't take this anymore but I'm so afraid that if we tell him to get out, he'll go straight to the gutter and die.

Freedom1990

It isn't uncommon for addiction and mental health issues to co-exist. You can get into the old 'which came first-the chicken or the egg' theory, but in the end, I found that was a moot point.

I had to address my addictions first, then I addressed the mental health issue (clinical depression-which was diagnosed after I had been clean over a year).

There are also those who find that once they are solid in recovery from addictions, that things like depression resolve.

Pardon me if I'm asking a question that has already been asked but are you attending Alanon or Naranon meetings for face-to-face support?

I found having support from others who understood was so very important in dealing with my addicted daughter who is now 32.

NeverLetGo23

It's possible when that moment came, and he was weak and looking for strength, that new friend filled the gap that no one else was filling at the time. Expectantly, he would take on the traits of his new found leader/influence. Anything to deal with the fact that he probably didn't feel good enough as the person he was due to his recent circumstances.

Maybe you should take him to visit some homeless shelters. Sooner or later he has to face reality, whether he likes it or not.

One of the main reasons people don't do anything with their life....is simple.
They don't have too.
Everything he wants is already handed to him. No responsibility, place to sleep, place to eat, place to escape. Why be motivated to do anything, when you don't need anything?

keepinon

i did exactly the same thing..thought my daughter had mental health issues..had 2 psych evals done for about a grand.Neither of them amounted to anything because she was on drugs..she got lots of counseling at her 1st rehab, which was great, but as long as they are using they will have behaviors that mimic mental health issues.They must get sober THEN they can be diagnosed.Any diagnosis you get before that..worthless.Any counseling you get while still being an active addict is pretty pointless. His addiction is what needs to be dealt with first.I learned the expensive, hard way. Using drugs CAUSES depression, so no reputable DR. will diagnose an addict/heavy drug user before 30 days clean.My daughter looked bipolar..she's not.She does have anxiety which she is now able to be treated for. Also, I know your sons DOC is pot, but there may well be other drugs he is using which can really wreak havoc with their mental state.

dorton

I searched for a long time for a reason my son is a drug addict (depression, other mental health issues, etc) but in the end I found that none of that matters. He can be an addict with depression or an addict with any other issue but the bottom line is he is an addict. And no mental health condition is going to cause addiction, it is it's own disease. I don't think I was looking for an answer for him I was looking for an answer so I wouldn't feel so guilty about his addiction. But the longer I looked for the cause the longer I put off dealing with the problem which only prolonged the problem. I know the pain you are in and you are in my prayers.

keepinon

I really think its part of the process...looking for the reason.Being a cunning and baffling disease , it doesn't make sense. My daughter has had trauma, but not evryone whomexperiences trauma becomes an addict.She has told me that even if we could go back in time and have a "do over" things would most likely turn out the same..she is an addict and it would've found her regardless...

Vandawglier

I feel horrible. I feel I let him down - wasn't there to pick him up when he was struggling. Unfortunately, I was fighting cancer last year and was consumed with my own issues.

If you would have told me when he was 16 that by age 18 he would be in this condition, I would not have believed you. I cry every day.

keepinon

You ARE NOT TO BLAME for this..you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it..this is not because you had cancer, or weren't there for him..I would really beg to differ w/ the commentary going on here..this is from someone VERY new to all of this and NOT a parent.We blame ourselves and it is to no avail. These things happen in ther"best' of families. The acceptance of that is key to your recovery..we will never know "why" too many factors come into play..you are latching on to the one comment on this site that suggest that some lacking in your sons upbringing is to blame..it is NOT.

NeverLetGo23

It's easy to fall in to the guilt of feeling responsible. There are spirits in this world, that live for only one reason. To destroy..

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. -John 10:10

We can't be everywhere at every moment. You shouldn't feel responsible. I find myself always questioning choices in the past and wondering what I could have done different. The best thing to do, is take what you learned and try to apply it in the best positive light.

If you truly feel responsible, writing a letter of apology might relieve your stress and calm your heart. If you put it on the line, and let him see you open yourself to responsibility, he might open up, but if he doesn't, you got to be willing to accept that you did.. "what you could.'

The line of tough love is very fine, but necessary in these instances. Deciphering the con-artist and the son is a tough. I hope for the best in your situation.

Vandawglier

total trauma today

His friend came over and said he had left his phone charger. I was trying to be trusting - give the benefit of the doubt. So I let him in. He asked to go wake up my son and i said okay.

They stayed downstairs for a while and I had to leave for a bit. When I came back, my son looked high - blood shot eyes etc.

this evening, I went and bought some home drug test kits. My husband went downstairs and asked our son to take a drug test. He refused saying he has to do that for probation. My husband asked again saying "so you should be okay then". Still refused.

Our son then got really angry and started yelling. My husband told him he was an addict and he needed to face it. My son then yelled that Yes, he did drugs everyday right under our noses. So, my husband got upset and a bit physical (not hitting but pushing him on his bed) and said he was going to a treatment center tonight.

So we went to a treament center. Hardest thing ever because he's on probation and this will kill any chances of him appealing his case.

He willingly checked himself in. They finally came to talk to us to say we could leave - he didn't want for them to see us or to divulge any information with us. The only thing they did tell us that he had told them he had homicidal thoughts - for both of us but primarily me (mother).

We had a son. Amazing, exceptional, athletic, honor roll - a joy. Now in less than two years, we have a drug addict, with a record, who has failed out of college, lost a great job he had as a lifeguard for three years who says he wants to kill himself - or us.

How can this happen?

That family - I intend to put some heat on them because they encouraged him to keep doing what he was doing. But he hates us and thinks they're the greatest - so whatever we do will make him hate us even more (unless we can do it anonymously).

Anyway, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely numb.

The beginning of this story is on the thread is "my son says I'm the problem"

NeverLetGo23

The best thing for him right now would be to get checked in. The fact that he checked himself in is a very good sign. He wants to change. He just isn't at the point yet. Keep your head up and stay positive. Good things are coming.