Want to help friend don't know how.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Want to help friend don't know how.
Hello everyone,
I stumbled across this site researching Xanax. I believe my best friend is addicted to it. Actually I know she is, but judging by her behavior I don't think she is ready to admit that. She has two young children and my heart goes out to ALL of her family. I believe she is painting pictures "setting the stage" for people to believe what she needs them to believe and not actually what is going on. I don't like accusing anyone of anything unless I know it's fact, but I cannot help to feel I am right in this case. I have grown up all my life around users/abusers so I do have some idea of tendancies. The problem I am having is I'm not sure if her parents understand or if they truely believe her "Stories" She has a lot of other health issues too and it almost seems like they blame those for any of her problems (which as of late are a lot of the side effects the same as a lot of drug addictions specially Xanax). My family tells me to completely stay out of it period. The thing is it's breaking my heart. She texts me I NEED YOU and I can't help but to feel I'm abandoning her when I don't answer back. My family is in fear that she may start causing problems or even hurting one of us. I don't know what I think anymore. I know that if I had a problem I wouldn't want everyone to completely shut me out, but I don't know? Is that what she needs??? I also don't want to lose or hurt my family in trying to help her either.
I stumbled across this site researching Xanax. I believe my best friend is addicted to it. Actually I know she is, but judging by her behavior I don't think she is ready to admit that. She has two young children and my heart goes out to ALL of her family. I believe she is painting pictures "setting the stage" for people to believe what she needs them to believe and not actually what is going on. I don't like accusing anyone of anything unless I know it's fact, but I cannot help to feel I am right in this case. I have grown up all my life around users/abusers so I do have some idea of tendancies. The problem I am having is I'm not sure if her parents understand or if they truely believe her "Stories" She has a lot of other health issues too and it almost seems like they blame those for any of her problems (which as of late are a lot of the side effects the same as a lot of drug addictions specially Xanax). My family tells me to completely stay out of it period. The thing is it's breaking my heart. She texts me I NEED YOU and I can't help but to feel I'm abandoning her when I don't answer back. My family is in fear that she may start causing problems or even hurting one of us. I don't know what I think anymore. I know that if I had a problem I wouldn't want everyone to completely shut me out, but I don't know? Is that what she needs??? I also don't want to lose or hurt my family in trying to help her either.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Addaris, and welcome to SR.
I have a 32-year-old addicted daughter whose current drug of choice is Xanax.
I learned the hard way to let go and turn her over to God.
She has two children also, and my 15-year-old granddaughter now lives with her. Her son lives with his father.
She knows there is help available because she grew up around the rooms of recovery. I am an alcoholic/addict in long-term recovery, and I got clean/sober the first time around when she was 8 years old.
I would suggest Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself. Get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
The sticky topics at the top of this forum contain a lot of great information.
You didn't cause her addiction.
You can't control her addiction.
You can't cure her addiction.
Please keep posting, and know you are among friends.
I have a 32-year-old addicted daughter whose current drug of choice is Xanax.
I learned the hard way to let go and turn her over to God.
She has two children also, and my 15-year-old granddaughter now lives with her. Her son lives with his father.
She knows there is help available because she grew up around the rooms of recovery. I am an alcoholic/addict in long-term recovery, and I got clean/sober the first time around when she was 8 years old.
I would suggest Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself. Get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
The sticky topics at the top of this forum contain a lot of great information.
You didn't cause her addiction.
You can't control her addiction.
You can't cure her addiction.
Please keep posting, and know you are among friends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
Chino your blog is very heart wrenching as I sit here and relate to it, but also very encouraging. Thank you for your strength.
Freedom thank you for you kind words and sharing your own experiences. If I get noticabely involved I will only start issues with my husband. I am so lucky to have him and we've had enough chaos recently with health and financial issues in our own family. I grew up being ripped from disfunctional home to the next disfunctional home and finally have a nice stable loving one for the last 8 yrs. I cannot and will not jeapordize that. For that I thank you for suggesting the book. I can atleast read without causing any static. The hardest part of all of this is that we were becoming good friends before she got addicted to illegal drugs. Those took her away from me and out of my life completely. I didn't want anything to do with that situation and we hadn't been friends long so it wasn't extremly difficult to cut the ties. I just felt like we had a connection and I finally had a best friend and poof she was gone. This go around she had everything going for her it seemed. She was level headed and seemed in control of her life. Little did I know in the background she was still fighting the addiction. I believe the Xanax was prescribed to control her anxiety from the withdrawals of the illegal drugs, but I don't know that for fact. Anyways, her significant other told me that she takes one and thinks it's suppose to kick in immediately and it doesn't so she takes another and is out cold for HOURS....Sometimes when you talk to her you would swear she is drunk and she swears she just hasn't had any sleep, but you can definately tell the difference.
Anyways, I have gotten close to her again I feel like if she kicked the bigger drug and was on the right path she can kick this. I keep feeling that overwhelming need to step in and say something. She doesn't even know I know all of this which makes it even harder.
Thanks again for the ears and advice
Freedom thank you for you kind words and sharing your own experiences. If I get noticabely involved I will only start issues with my husband. I am so lucky to have him and we've had enough chaos recently with health and financial issues in our own family. I grew up being ripped from disfunctional home to the next disfunctional home and finally have a nice stable loving one for the last 8 yrs. I cannot and will not jeapordize that. For that I thank you for suggesting the book. I can atleast read without causing any static. The hardest part of all of this is that we were becoming good friends before she got addicted to illegal drugs. Those took her away from me and out of my life completely. I didn't want anything to do with that situation and we hadn't been friends long so it wasn't extremly difficult to cut the ties. I just felt like we had a connection and I finally had a best friend and poof she was gone. This go around she had everything going for her it seemed. She was level headed and seemed in control of her life. Little did I know in the background she was still fighting the addiction. I believe the Xanax was prescribed to control her anxiety from the withdrawals of the illegal drugs, but I don't know that for fact. Anyways, her significant other told me that she takes one and thinks it's suppose to kick in immediately and it doesn't so she takes another and is out cold for HOURS....Sometimes when you talk to her you would swear she is drunk and she swears she just hasn't had any sleep, but you can definately tell the difference.
Anyways, I have gotten close to her again I feel like if she kicked the bigger drug and was on the right path she can kick this. I keep feeling that overwhelming need to step in and say something. She doesn't even know I know all of this which makes it even harder.
Thanks again for the ears and advice
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Addaris 
Sometimes when you talk to her you would swear she is drunk and she swears she just hasn't had any sleep, but you can definately tell the difference.
I am glad you have found stability in your life. I came from a dysfunctional home too, and am grateful for where I am at today.
Please feel free to post any time!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
Thank you Freedom I am very happy for you as well. I only hope your daughter will find the same peace inside herself as well and sooner than later for your sake as well as hers. I'm sure you have done a lot of research on Xanax so you may already know this, but if she does come to you for help or wants to get off of it I've been reading that it should not be done cold turkey as it causes seizures, coma, and sometimes death, (I pray that she or anyone else with a loved one addicted doesn't experience any of that!) and that it should only be done with Dr. Supervision.
Also, for the member that PM'd me I am very sorry, but the forum would not let me respond because I am too new to it still. I sent you an email with the links and I hope that went through. If not for you and anyone else wanting to research Xanax and it's effects I found more in depth information researching the word benzo or benzodiazepines as that is the type of drug Xanax is.
I am very happy for you as well. I only hope your daughter will find the same peace inside herself as well and sooner than later for your sake as well as hers. I'm sure you have done a lot of research on Xanax so you may already know this, but if she does come to you for help or wants to get off of it I've been reading that it should not be done cold turkey as it causes seizures, coma, and sometimes death, (I pray that she or anyone else with a loved one addicted doesn't experience any of that!) and that it should only be done with Dr. Supervision. Also, for the member that PM'd me I am very sorry, but the forum would not let me respond because I am too new to it still. I sent you an email with the links and I hope that went through. If not for you and anyone else wanting to research Xanax and it's effects I found more in depth information researching the word benzo or benzodiazepines as that is the type of drug Xanax is.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Thank you Addaris. She knows it would take a medically supervised detox.
She has no inclination whatsoever to change her life.
She's been active in addictions since age 15.
My life is full and reasonably happy despite the fact she remains in active addiction.
She has no inclination whatsoever to change her life.
She's been active in addictions since age 15.
My life is full and reasonably happy despite the fact she remains in active addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
You truely are an amazing person Freedom! I have children myself and It is hard enough having someone you care about with an addiction. I could never imagine one of my children being an addict. I only hope that if one day I do have to face that I will be as strong as you. I also hope that despite her not having any inclination of changing right now that she finds your strength encouraging and inspiring at some point.
Can anyone give me their experienced opinion if its ok to let my friend know I'm thinking about her? I don't want to do more damage and I feel so horrible that her last words were I need you and I have not responded. Of course her previous words were lies about why she didn't show... followed by her wrecking her car. Again she has no idea I know about her addiction or even why she disappeared the first time. Should I pretend like I know nothing and try to avoid contact, let her know that I know and I'm here if she wants help (although I don't know that my husband would allow that as he keeps saying her family will do as they see fit), or pretend like I know nothing and continue to talk to her as if nothing is wrong?????
UGH........I'm going to get that book asap.
Can anyone give me their experienced opinion if its ok to let my friend know I'm thinking about her? I don't want to do more damage and I feel so horrible that her last words were I need you and I have not responded. Of course her previous words were lies about why she didn't show... followed by her wrecking her car. Again she has no idea I know about her addiction or even why she disappeared the first time. Should I pretend like I know nothing and try to avoid contact, let her know that I know and I'm here if she wants help (although I don't know that my husband would allow that as he keeps saying her family will do as they see fit), or pretend like I know nothing and continue to talk to her as if nothing is wrong?????
UGH........I'm going to get that book asap.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I strongly suggest living in the moment right in front of you.
Get that book and read.
Then decide if you want to contact her.
I will say that I would not contact my 32-year-old daughter at all except for the fact that my granddaughter now lives with her, and it's important for me to have a continuing relationship with my granddaughter.
Get that book and read.
Then decide if you want to contact her.
I will say that I would not contact my 32-year-old daughter at all except for the fact that my granddaughter now lives with her, and it's important for me to have a continuing relationship with my granddaughter.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
Wow................what an eye opener! I had no idea I had a "problem" too. I always thought of myself as strong and I knew I had faults, but I never thought for a moment there was label for me LOL. I read some of the sticky notes as suggested and came across the one that someone posted from the book you suggested. I had no clue Codependency existed and I surely didn't think I fit the picture. I have never been NOT able to control my feelings or behaviors and this one has had me in tears without any resonable explanation in my head for once. Sure I always try to help people, but never have I been so emotional that I couldn't hold back a few tears. I thought I was being silly after all it is my friend and not my family. I kept trying to rationalize and couldn't. I definately have done damage in the past and to think that I thought I was helping! This is a harsh but needed lesson. I will definately be reading the book.
A friend asked me today if I was ok. I gave a tad of info knowing that he is always trying to lend a helping hand and his quote was "What is your address? You know what my wife always tells me. Do you know your address? That is what you have to worry about." He is right in so many ways, but I thought he was just another person trying to protect me and not caring for this person that desperately needs help. Which goes back to you cannot help someone that does not want it and is not commited to helping themselves.
Thank you soooo much Freedom! I have learned sooooo much in just a few hours and a few posts.
A friend asked me today if I was ok. I gave a tad of info knowing that he is always trying to lend a helping hand and his quote was "What is your address? You know what my wife always tells me. Do you know your address? That is what you have to worry about." He is right in so many ways, but I thought he was just another person trying to protect me and not caring for this person that desperately needs help. Which goes back to you cannot help someone that does not want it and is not commited to helping themselves.
Thank you soooo much Freedom! I have learned sooooo much in just a few hours and a few posts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hey, it was a relief to finally recognize my codependency, and start to address it.
We do the best we can with what we have at the time.
You're on a wonderful journey into self-discovery, I promise.
We do the best we can with what we have at the time.
You're on a wonderful journey into self-discovery, I promise.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Addaris
Welcome to SR.....I'm a little late in welcoming you and it's nice to see that you have already received some support from others.
Your friend is so lucky to have a friend like you.
By researching and understanding addiction and co-dependency you are helping yourself and that's so important. We can't help others unless we help ourselves first.
It sounds like you're on the right track with a little help from Freedom and others. I hope you stick around and find comfort here.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR.....I'm a little late in welcoming you and it's nice to see that you have already received some support from others.
Your friend is so lucky to have a friend like you.
By researching and understanding addiction and co-dependency you are helping yourself and that's so important. We can't help others unless we help ourselves first.
It sounds like you're on the right track with a little help from Freedom and others. I hope you stick around and find comfort here.
gentle hugs
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