weekend
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Steve, for what it's worth-- (which probably isn't going to penetrate through your inablity to 'see' the whole situation), this is what I hear through your words:
"MISSED CALL EVERYONE! SEE-- I TOLD YOU, she DOES love me, she's simply a wreck... that's all. I was doing something 'normal', and actually SLEEPING at that hour, and well... woops, I MISSED my opportunity... to talk to this woman that you all are telling me dosen't care..... BUT YOU ALL ARE WRONG-- SHE CALLED!"
Steve. Come on. Here is love:
Calling at 6:00 to see if chinese sounds good tonight.
Bringing something to the table other than drama.
Holding a job- and a reasonable conversation...
Having respect for self- and YOU.
Supporting you, and encouraging your growth as a person.
Living life, with family- friends- embracing the moment together.
Making plans- rather than breaking them.
Laughing- not crying.
Having differences- not destruction.
Sharing goals- not mending broken dreams.
Perhaps you need to redefine what a 'relationship' is. It's not impressive- or attractive- that a drug addict female called you. It's not anything to get affirmation from. This does not mean you are loved. Frankly this speaks VOLUMES of what you have reduced yourself to.... nothing more than a man willing to settle for a crumb of a moldy piece of bread. It's only indicitive of how desperate you are; it's been said when someone is starving (literally) they will hallucinate and believe that there is water in a desert-- I wonder if you have the ablity to decifer the difference between reality and fantasy anymore.
Perhaps a dose of reality will make you awaken from this state-of-mind. Having a woman call you dosen't prove a thing.... other than how utterly desperate you are for any kind of attention.
Steve. You have to do some serious thinking here. YOU are telling everyone that this is all you are worth. YOU are setting the bar-- and frankly your aspirations right now, are lower than the prostitution you've worried about her engaging in.... at least she'd be paid!
Lastly. Trust me when I tell you, we have all had our lows with an addict in our lives. But many of us LIVE with our addicts, have 'relationships' with our addicts. Have CHILDREN that we gave birth to, that are addicts. Have children with our addicts. THESE are examples of 'relationships' with addicts... that come here for help with how to manage our lives-- when someone we love is sick. YOU don't need to manage your life w/an addict-- this is crazy. There is no relationship here-- and a MISSED CALL dosen't constitue one.
Please get some help for yourself. I am almost remiss to even post this- but I feel bad that you don't see how much you have spiraled out-of-control. SO-- I'm writing to you as a SR buddy- but NOT as someone who sees you as needing help with how to cope with an addicted loved one.
Cess
"MISSED CALL EVERYONE! SEE-- I TOLD YOU, she DOES love me, she's simply a wreck... that's all. I was doing something 'normal', and actually SLEEPING at that hour, and well... woops, I MISSED my opportunity... to talk to this woman that you all are telling me dosen't care..... BUT YOU ALL ARE WRONG-- SHE CALLED!"
Steve. Come on. Here is love:
Calling at 6:00 to see if chinese sounds good tonight.
Bringing something to the table other than drama.
Holding a job- and a reasonable conversation...
Having respect for self- and YOU.
Supporting you, and encouraging your growth as a person.
Living life, with family- friends- embracing the moment together.
Making plans- rather than breaking them.
Laughing- not crying.
Having differences- not destruction.
Sharing goals- not mending broken dreams.
Perhaps you need to redefine what a 'relationship' is. It's not impressive- or attractive- that a drug addict female called you. It's not anything to get affirmation from. This does not mean you are loved. Frankly this speaks VOLUMES of what you have reduced yourself to.... nothing more than a man willing to settle for a crumb of a moldy piece of bread. It's only indicitive of how desperate you are; it's been said when someone is starving (literally) they will hallucinate and believe that there is water in a desert-- I wonder if you have the ablity to decifer the difference between reality and fantasy anymore.
Perhaps a dose of reality will make you awaken from this state-of-mind. Having a woman call you dosen't prove a thing.... other than how utterly desperate you are for any kind of attention.
Steve. You have to do some serious thinking here. YOU are telling everyone that this is all you are worth. YOU are setting the bar-- and frankly your aspirations right now, are lower than the prostitution you've worried about her engaging in.... at least she'd be paid!
Lastly. Trust me when I tell you, we have all had our lows with an addict in our lives. But many of us LIVE with our addicts, have 'relationships' with our addicts. Have CHILDREN that we gave birth to, that are addicts. Have children with our addicts. THESE are examples of 'relationships' with addicts... that come here for help with how to manage our lives-- when someone we love is sick. YOU don't need to manage your life w/an addict-- this is crazy. There is no relationship here-- and a MISSED CALL dosen't constitue one.
Please get some help for yourself. I am almost remiss to even post this- but I feel bad that you don't see how much you have spiraled out-of-control. SO-- I'm writing to you as a SR buddy- but NOT as someone who sees you as needing help with how to cope with an addicted loved one.
Cess
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'll admit, Steve's post did stir me up as well. But then I thought about it and he asked many of the same questions I did initially. That was my way of trying to understand addiction.
I soon discovered the spectrum of addictions stories shared here: some very heartwrenching and traumatic experiences. Personally, I always get quite a bit of information even if the story is different than my experience with the addict bf.
But maybe it should be kept in mind that some of us haven't gone through as much heartache and with the benefit of places like SR and other's experiences shared, will be able to handle it if it happens.
I guess what I'm trying to convey here is why some of us come here, to share knowledge and give one another support and to learn from that knowledge both more about addiction and ourselves.
Support and empathy for each other (those who have addicts in our lives) is really the ultimate goal isn't it? Food for thought is all. We are all kind of in this crazy world with addicts together after all.
bb
I soon discovered the spectrum of addictions stories shared here: some very heartwrenching and traumatic experiences. Personally, I always get quite a bit of information even if the story is different than my experience with the addict bf.
But maybe it should be kept in mind that some of us haven't gone through as much heartache and with the benefit of places like SR and other's experiences shared, will be able to handle it if it happens.
I guess what I'm trying to convey here is why some of us come here, to share knowledge and give one another support and to learn from that knowledge both more about addiction and ourselves.
Support and empathy for each other (those who have addicts in our lives) is really the ultimate goal isn't it? Food for thought is all. We are all kind of in this crazy world with addicts together after all.
bb
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
When I first came into recovery from alcohol and drugs those WONDERFUL people did not 'baby' me. The saying goes:
"If we baby you, we bury you." and "I will risk your friendship to save your life."
They said many things I did NOT want to hear, but never the less they did finally get through to me.
Then three years later when I started recovery for my codependence, my obsessive addictive behavior about my then A, again they said many things I did NOT want to hear, and I had a lot of 'yeah buts' coming out of my mouth, but they persisted and finally I started to hear.
Again, in the rooms, different rooms, but still the same in many ways the common thread was:
"If we baby you, we will bury you." and "I will risk your friendship to save your life."
Tough love? Maybe. Reality? FOR SURE!!!!!
(((((Babyblue))))) if you will go back and read ALL of Steve's posts, you will see that the same folks are saying the same things OVER and OVER trying to get through his obsession. Why? Because we have been there, we do understand his confusion, his return to the 'familiar', his underlying fear of 'what will replace this in my life?, etc
All we can share is our own ES&H, and in most cases, especially on this board, until we changed our own Actions and Reactions, nothing changed, we stayed on that Roller Coaster.
(((((Steve))))) please go back and read ALL of the threads you have started, read the replys .......................are you seeing a pattern yet?????
J M H O
Love and hugs,
"If we baby you, we bury you." and "I will risk your friendship to save your life."
They said many things I did NOT want to hear, but never the less they did finally get through to me.
Then three years later when I started recovery for my codependence, my obsessive addictive behavior about my then A, again they said many things I did NOT want to hear, and I had a lot of 'yeah buts' coming out of my mouth, but they persisted and finally I started to hear.
Again, in the rooms, different rooms, but still the same in many ways the common thread was:
"If we baby you, we will bury you." and "I will risk your friendship to save your life."
Tough love? Maybe. Reality? FOR SURE!!!!!
(((((Babyblue))))) if you will go back and read ALL of Steve's posts, you will see that the same folks are saying the same things OVER and OVER trying to get through his obsession. Why? Because we have been there, we do understand his confusion, his return to the 'familiar', his underlying fear of 'what will replace this in my life?, etc
All we can share is our own ES&H, and in most cases, especially on this board, until we changed our own Actions and Reactions, nothing changed, we stayed on that Roller Coaster.
(((((Steve))))) please go back and read ALL of the threads you have started, read the replys .......................are you seeing a pattern yet?????
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
I feel I have to get my two cents in! You have had good advice here. I seems you are just no ready to accept that she is a lost soul. You can in NO WAY help her. LET GO!!!! and get on with your life! You are making yourself crazy and torturing yourself.
Once you manage to let go, life does get better. Eventually, the sun shines and the world is a good place to be. Find interest in things you used to enjoy. Get out and do SOMETHING!!!!! Life does go on without the addict in our lives-and believe me it does get better.
Once you manage to let go, life does get better. Eventually, the sun shines and the world is a good place to be. Find interest in things you used to enjoy. Get out and do SOMETHING!!!!! Life does go on without the addict in our lives-and believe me it does get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i don't get it
i'm kind of ok today. i talked to a couple people i know, they have seen her recently and said she seems ok, didn't seem to be living on the streets at the moment and hasn't been working the streets much. so where is the money coming from, i guess thats not important. they relayed the message that i was looking for her- so i know now she knows i care.
what i still can't comprehend is the totality of it all. how at some point you dont take a minute to call someone. thats me thinking normal, i know. but therer has to be some moment she thinks of what she left behind or one moment she feels some memory of being with me, i cannot be totally erased from her mind.
what i still can't comprehend is the totality of it all. how at some point you dont take a minute to call someone. thats me thinking normal, i know. but therer has to be some moment she thinks of what she left behind or one moment she feels some memory of being with me, i cannot be totally erased from her mind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
wow, what to say....i may ramble so forgive me.
i guess i can start with moms rainbow- and this may sum it up, i am not ready to accept she is a lost soul, even though i know that may be the case.
yes, i have been asking hte same things over and over, maybe hoping for a different answer or to find a shred of hope. i don't mind the tough love. its good for me, but i do respond well to gentle too. i can tell you that in NO WAY did i post this to say see, she cares or to say i was right about anything.
i still consider myself new here. i started a long time ago when the issue first came to surface and returned when i became serious for sure. i don't purport to be doing anything right, but i cannot head the advice that tells me to run far away from someone i care about. so i did not run at the first signs. it is easier to tell someone to run after one has been through all the phases of this.
i come here with lots of exposure to drugs, but with no experience with a full blown addict. i'll ask things over and over to try to understand. i am too empathetic, i have been told that many times.
message boards to not include the nuances of speech, the inflections of tone, and the expressions on the face. i did not post this as a victory flag. i posted this because i was anxious about having missed a chance to talk to her. i am sure many people can say they have felt that way before.
i started posting while she was still living with me, as i began to understand some of the things you were saying. i saw that this was a serious problem. she has only been gone two weeks. i am sorry but i cannot just switch my brain and emotions over to detachment mode that easily. i mean, with a regular break up, there is a lengthy healing process. i've only been to 3 therapy sessions, we havent even begun to touch on anything. i increased my meds and that has helped.
we had a relationship before this. we had dreams of marriage, we had our song, we planned to honeymoon along the appalachian trail, we had names for kids. she used to smile and act silly. she used to cook dinner or i would cook for her. we hada fairly normal relationship at one point. that was in the past, but i am saying that because we shared something. the relationship was not perfect and we had time apart, but started talking again about things. then this happened. i was naive and thought is was ok to talk about these things again. maybe that would help her to have incentive to get clean. she sure liked to talk about it and seemed at times inspired.
i know everyone here has gone through the pain of having someone slip away because of addiction. i cannot even begin to imagine hte pain of being a parent of an addict. the idea of my niece taking this road kills me inside and i am so proud of her being a non user. we werent married for 5 years, we dont have kids, but htat does not make it any easier to the person in the situation. everybody's worst thing is the worst thing to them. this is the worst thing to me. i have seen other friends come dangerously close to taking htat last step in, but there was somethnig about them, their friends and family etc that made it seem that they'd be ok, and they were. a couple got lost for a while but found their way back. with her, i am afraid of her being a lost soul.
i have always been there for her and was with her through some tough stuff, but now she is on her own and i cant help but be scared. scared about od-ing, scared about he people she surrounds herself with, scared about the emotional damage, scared about losing her even as a friend forever, scared about her dying alone.
so before i can allow myself to heal, before i can let go of that grip i so desperately hold on to, i have to know deep deep down inside, i have to feel deep down inside that i am ready to do it.
when i think, there is a chance, however small that she is not totally lost yet, i jump on it. when i think that the more time doing what she is doing makes it harder to recover i want to intercede. when i said i want to ensure she sees another sunrise, i know i dont have that power. i said that meaning i would do anything in my power to help her.
i understand or am trying t understand how much this addiction takes them over. i saw the sadness in her the last week or so we were together. i know she made this choice, even if it is with a convoluted mind, but i dont stop seeing the tears she shed. i dont stop feeling the pain she felt. i know she isnt thinking about it herself or about my pain, i dont care. i dont expect her to be able to. i am fighting against what so many tell me here, that she is lost. i feel like there has to be a way in or that maybe she hasnt been out long enough to be totally lost. i still want to do anything to keep it from getting worse. i know she is the one that has to want that. it is so hard to live normally knowing what is going on. it is hard to accept that i am powerless. absolutely powerless. i cant see her, call her, talk to her, leave her a note, nothing. and if i could it would do nothing right now.
i have not been this type of addict. i cannot yet comprehend what it entails. i project. i assume that there is a great void in her and a great sadness that she stuffs down, and fills with more drugs. i assume that she doesnt feel worthy of anyone good, or of receiving love and friendship. and i assume that it is good to reinforce that in her.
so its been two weeks since she left. about 5 months since she has been using again. i am not much better than before, but i only have just begun toi even think about myself let alone work on me. her leaving set me back right to the beginning with the desperate attempts to find her. but this time the edge is lessened and i am starting to prepare to detach for real.
i know i will make it, i pray she will
i guess i can start with moms rainbow- and this may sum it up, i am not ready to accept she is a lost soul, even though i know that may be the case.
yes, i have been asking hte same things over and over, maybe hoping for a different answer or to find a shred of hope. i don't mind the tough love. its good for me, but i do respond well to gentle too. i can tell you that in NO WAY did i post this to say see, she cares or to say i was right about anything.
i still consider myself new here. i started a long time ago when the issue first came to surface and returned when i became serious for sure. i don't purport to be doing anything right, but i cannot head the advice that tells me to run far away from someone i care about. so i did not run at the first signs. it is easier to tell someone to run after one has been through all the phases of this.
i come here with lots of exposure to drugs, but with no experience with a full blown addict. i'll ask things over and over to try to understand. i am too empathetic, i have been told that many times.
message boards to not include the nuances of speech, the inflections of tone, and the expressions on the face. i did not post this as a victory flag. i posted this because i was anxious about having missed a chance to talk to her. i am sure many people can say they have felt that way before.
i started posting while she was still living with me, as i began to understand some of the things you were saying. i saw that this was a serious problem. she has only been gone two weeks. i am sorry but i cannot just switch my brain and emotions over to detachment mode that easily. i mean, with a regular break up, there is a lengthy healing process. i've only been to 3 therapy sessions, we havent even begun to touch on anything. i increased my meds and that has helped.
we had a relationship before this. we had dreams of marriage, we had our song, we planned to honeymoon along the appalachian trail, we had names for kids. she used to smile and act silly. she used to cook dinner or i would cook for her. we hada fairly normal relationship at one point. that was in the past, but i am saying that because we shared something. the relationship was not perfect and we had time apart, but started talking again about things. then this happened. i was naive and thought is was ok to talk about these things again. maybe that would help her to have incentive to get clean. she sure liked to talk about it and seemed at times inspired.
i know everyone here has gone through the pain of having someone slip away because of addiction. i cannot even begin to imagine hte pain of being a parent of an addict. the idea of my niece taking this road kills me inside and i am so proud of her being a non user. we werent married for 5 years, we dont have kids, but htat does not make it any easier to the person in the situation. everybody's worst thing is the worst thing to them. this is the worst thing to me. i have seen other friends come dangerously close to taking htat last step in, but there was somethnig about them, their friends and family etc that made it seem that they'd be ok, and they were. a couple got lost for a while but found their way back. with her, i am afraid of her being a lost soul.
i have always been there for her and was with her through some tough stuff, but now she is on her own and i cant help but be scared. scared about od-ing, scared about he people she surrounds herself with, scared about the emotional damage, scared about losing her even as a friend forever, scared about her dying alone.
so before i can allow myself to heal, before i can let go of that grip i so desperately hold on to, i have to know deep deep down inside, i have to feel deep down inside that i am ready to do it.
when i think, there is a chance, however small that she is not totally lost yet, i jump on it. when i think that the more time doing what she is doing makes it harder to recover i want to intercede. when i said i want to ensure she sees another sunrise, i know i dont have that power. i said that meaning i would do anything in my power to help her.
i understand or am trying t understand how much this addiction takes them over. i saw the sadness in her the last week or so we were together. i know she made this choice, even if it is with a convoluted mind, but i dont stop seeing the tears she shed. i dont stop feeling the pain she felt. i know she isnt thinking about it herself or about my pain, i dont care. i dont expect her to be able to. i am fighting against what so many tell me here, that she is lost. i feel like there has to be a way in or that maybe she hasnt been out long enough to be totally lost. i still want to do anything to keep it from getting worse. i know she is the one that has to want that. it is so hard to live normally knowing what is going on. it is hard to accept that i am powerless. absolutely powerless. i cant see her, call her, talk to her, leave her a note, nothing. and if i could it would do nothing right now.
i have not been this type of addict. i cannot yet comprehend what it entails. i project. i assume that there is a great void in her and a great sadness that she stuffs down, and fills with more drugs. i assume that she doesnt feel worthy of anyone good, or of receiving love and friendship. and i assume that it is good to reinforce that in her.
so its been two weeks since she left. about 5 months since she has been using again. i am not much better than before, but i only have just begun toi even think about myself let alone work on me. her leaving set me back right to the beginning with the desperate attempts to find her. but this time the edge is lessened and i am starting to prepare to detach for real.
i know i will make it, i pray she will
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by steve1840 
i'm kind of ok today. i talked to a couple people i know, they have seen her recently and said she seems ok, didn't seem to be living on the streets at the moment and hasn't been working the streets much. so where is the money coming from, i guess thats not important. they relayed the message that i was looking for her- so i know now she knows i care.
what i still can't comprehend is the totality of it all. how at some point you dont take a minute to call someone. thats me thinking normal, i know. but therer has to be some moment she thinks of what she left behind or one moment she feels some memory of being with me, i cannot be totally erased from her mind.
what i still can't comprehend is the totality of it all. how at some point you dont take a minute to call someone. thats me thinking normal, i know. but therer has to be some moment she thinks of what she left behind or one moment she feels some memory of being with me, i cannot be totally erased from her mind.
Reality is, sometimes, very hard to face. But it is reality. We all need to accept the world as it is and not tilt at windmills trying to get everyone and everything around us to change according to what WE think is right.
So she knows now that you care, and yet she has done nothing. Her actions speak volumes. I'm sure what you want to do is try to come up with explanations in your mind about why she has not contacted you.....work out excuses for her. You notice that she is not offering explanations or excuses to you.
Take care of yourself, Steve. Keep mind and body busy.....
Hugs, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
yes hydro, i do want to know why she hasn't. listening to others here i should not take it personally and that her only focus is getting high. i can accept that.
it is very difficult for me to think of it that she doesnt care at all. i do feel a little at ease accepting that it is not really her. i dont quite know what else to think.
it is very difficult for me to think of it that she doesnt care at all. i do feel a little at ease accepting that it is not really her. i dont quite know what else to think.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Sometimes the fantasy of who we'd like the person to be is not actually who the person really is (whether they use or not). She sounds like a very troubled person and just doesn't have the capacity to care like we do or to show it. There is nothing you can do about that.
You don't know what is going on with her other than she is an addict. The truth is, this may have nothing to do with her addiction but maybe for whatever reason she has moved on from you Steve.. maybe even as a friend at this point. Better to accept that then try to find out 'why'. You will never know. She uses, she is troubled, and she isn't in your life right now. I'm sorry Steve. That is why stepping back is so important. You are taking this all so personally.
If I had a friend treat me like that, after what I've done or how I supported them, addict or not, I'd write them off.
You don't know what is going on with her other than she is an addict. The truth is, this may have nothing to do with her addiction but maybe for whatever reason she has moved on from you Steve.. maybe even as a friend at this point. Better to accept that then try to find out 'why'. You will never know. She uses, she is troubled, and she isn't in your life right now. I'm sorry Steve. That is why stepping back is so important. You are taking this all so personally.
If I had a friend treat me like that, after what I've done or how I supported them, addict or not, I'd write them off.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
know i will make it, i pray she will
I hope you're right. It's not looking good though Steve. believe me SR has ripped me up and down AND supported me both ways. You gotta fend for yourself. I NEVER thought my xah was 'THIS' bad. Ever, but he turned out to be the worst of the worst. Let her go. Quit with the daily posts and focus on a goal. The daily posts get you sidetracked and roped back in with minimal things. I've missed a MILLION missed calls that left me frantic. It's the territory of addiction. It's up and down, up an down. Check yourself instead of relying on SR to check you. THAT is why you are getting the 'frustrated posts' to you. Pick a destination and get there.
I hope you're right. It's not looking good though Steve. believe me SR has ripped me up and down AND supported me both ways. You gotta fend for yourself. I NEVER thought my xah was 'THIS' bad. Ever, but he turned out to be the worst of the worst. Let her go. Quit with the daily posts and focus on a goal. The daily posts get you sidetracked and roped back in with minimal things. I've missed a MILLION missed calls that left me frantic. It's the territory of addiction. It's up and down, up an down. Check yourself instead of relying on SR to check you. THAT is why you are getting the 'frustrated posts' to you. Pick a destination and get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
new chapter- new news- long story- hope
ok. as babyblue put in another thread, she isa troubled person. has been. i lose reality when i am with her and believe in the fantasy of who i want her to be, because that is what i want. i want to be with the woman who is my best friend and all. someone like me. aside from all the stuff you know about me from here, i am a pretty cool guy, but i dont fit inside the mainstream box. i have always found it hard to find an eclectic kind of girl who can be a folky rockabilly outside the mainstream box companion to me. so on and off over the past years i find myself back with her. it starts off great then the distance would come. i could see what troubled her, i could see the pain in her. i could see that she was having troubles, but it was not in my character to confront her or force her. so, i just kind of let things be and settled for scraps. but thats all i got growing up. i thought that since i was damaged but had a great capacity to love, that we could be a good fit.
i'd lose myself every time. it never was healthy, but i still had/have a string attraction to her. physically, i have never been more attracted to a woman i was with. i am not a dog though so dont think its about that. mentally, we were petty much on par, spiritually, on and off, but there was always a gap and i ascribed qualities to her that werent there, but so much wanted.
so to the news- she called. she told me she is ok and going on methadone and is involved with a new guy, a guy who she met working. she mentioned him before as being on of the few who didnt want physical stuff but just companionship. i'll take it at face value but dont necessarily believe it, just like i cant believe that she'd never be with someone she met that way.
the big picture is that she said she's done 'working' and is going to go on methadone and try to get her life back in order. she apologized for everything and thanked me for everything.
now i feel i am left broken. my self esteem is shot. now i switch from dealing with the addiction to dealing with a break up- i know there wasnt really a relationship anymore, but i was holding on to any thread i could. why? because i dont want to be alone right now. i have had long periods of that and right now i dont want that. i feel slighted in that i have to deal with all of this alone and she gets to have the support and comfort of a new relationship- he doesnt use by the way.
you said it and i knew it could happen that i wont fix myself and she will and so on. she sounded high, but hasnt yet switched to the methadone. somewhere inside me i have this sense of being the tragic character that is stuck and that everyone else grows and moves on.
i am afraid that i will switch addictions. i have never really been without one crutch that gave me comfortin someway, mostly pot at night. i dont want to go back into that world, but now i feel there is no world left. i abandoned my life for her, went into depression, and i'm alone with nothing. i'm still certain i'll get back on my feet, but i put soooo much emotion, energy, and everything into her and she goes off with someone else.
i should have listened to the part of me that said- dude, keep your distance, dont get romantically involved with an addict even if you know her.
i have been living my life for her and through her. it is so much easier than living my life for me. i gave up so much i dont remember how to live my life for me. she became my life. saturday night, we'd get take out and watch a movie. i want that, but i can't seem to find the strength to realize that i want that wit ha healthy person. now here is the kicker- i dont feel i will find that person, i dont feel lovable, i dont feel attractive, all the low-self esteem stuff just hammers me. i know its not true. i have had healthy relationships, but because i have always lived outside the box in some ways i feel it is so hard to find someone else.
maybe its a blessing in disguise. i dont have to havethe guilt of leaving her.
i am not religious, but spiritual. i see god in nature. i have never found a connection to organized religion, but spent a lot of time on reservations with native americans and found my faith there, but my addictions caused me to lose that. just this past week i was seeking something, but i wanted it to be in my culture, so i turned to st. jude patron of lost causes. i prayed with an open mind for answers or signs and the understanding i might not get what i want from it. i even was given a st jude charm to wear and i prayed. this week stuff has happened and i got answers. i now need to take them for what they are.
i have to get my life back. i have to cut my addiction to her, i have to not go back to my addictions, i need to grow to become the person i was meant to be, just like i wanted her to do. it is easy to sit back and see what others need to do, but hard to do it myself. i never have. i lived my entire life with this underlying pain and secret life. all i want out of life is to be happy with someone. i am not someone who needs another to be happy, like i said, i spent many years on and off alone and happy. i have to seize this time to grow or i may not ever do it. i am 43, but still 18 in some ways. some good, some not good.
i feel like something was released from me just now, like a cage was opened and i can fly, but i also fear leaving the cage a little. i go around and around in my thoughts. i can live and maybe find someone to be happy with-i am alone and have nothing. but there is a chance to grow and be happy-whats the use i never took the opportunity before.
i dont get it. before i was back with her, i was merrily doing my garden and being me, happy to be alone, just happy to be. now i feel that fear of facing the world alone again- only to an extent, but that i miss the hand holding, the togetherness. you know what i want-- i want to have someone to have a weekend with, i nice drive to nowhere with a bunch of music and, well, basically i want a happy relationship. all this pain and struggling and obsessing only happens when i am with her, but i cannot blame her. ahh- the thoguht came back- why not me? why wouldn't she want to get better and be with me? how can she say she doesnt feel that passion? ok breathe- she is not healthy for me.
i am a person who will give up my happiness for someone else to be. i need to just accept that her and i dont work together that way. i feel that my addictions have held me back for a long long time and that i wasted much time. i really feel i have so much to give someone, i dont even need much in return. i mean that in a healthy way. my entire life i have felt that i was filled with love to give. i have had a few good relationships, but i want the real thing. i want ot get better to getthe real thing. despite always wanting it, i always told myself i dont need it. that was justification for staying alone and not having to escape my addiction.
well i guess thats a wrap. who do i pay for this session?
i'd lose myself every time. it never was healthy, but i still had/have a string attraction to her. physically, i have never been more attracted to a woman i was with. i am not a dog though so dont think its about that. mentally, we were petty much on par, spiritually, on and off, but there was always a gap and i ascribed qualities to her that werent there, but so much wanted.
so to the news- she called. she told me she is ok and going on methadone and is involved with a new guy, a guy who she met working. she mentioned him before as being on of the few who didnt want physical stuff but just companionship. i'll take it at face value but dont necessarily believe it, just like i cant believe that she'd never be with someone she met that way.
the big picture is that she said she's done 'working' and is going to go on methadone and try to get her life back in order. she apologized for everything and thanked me for everything.
now i feel i am left broken. my self esteem is shot. now i switch from dealing with the addiction to dealing with a break up- i know there wasnt really a relationship anymore, but i was holding on to any thread i could. why? because i dont want to be alone right now. i have had long periods of that and right now i dont want that. i feel slighted in that i have to deal with all of this alone and she gets to have the support and comfort of a new relationship- he doesnt use by the way.
you said it and i knew it could happen that i wont fix myself and she will and so on. she sounded high, but hasnt yet switched to the methadone. somewhere inside me i have this sense of being the tragic character that is stuck and that everyone else grows and moves on.
i am afraid that i will switch addictions. i have never really been without one crutch that gave me comfortin someway, mostly pot at night. i dont want to go back into that world, but now i feel there is no world left. i abandoned my life for her, went into depression, and i'm alone with nothing. i'm still certain i'll get back on my feet, but i put soooo much emotion, energy, and everything into her and she goes off with someone else.
i should have listened to the part of me that said- dude, keep your distance, dont get romantically involved with an addict even if you know her.
i have been living my life for her and through her. it is so much easier than living my life for me. i gave up so much i dont remember how to live my life for me. she became my life. saturday night, we'd get take out and watch a movie. i want that, but i can't seem to find the strength to realize that i want that wit ha healthy person. now here is the kicker- i dont feel i will find that person, i dont feel lovable, i dont feel attractive, all the low-self esteem stuff just hammers me. i know its not true. i have had healthy relationships, but because i have always lived outside the box in some ways i feel it is so hard to find someone else.
maybe its a blessing in disguise. i dont have to havethe guilt of leaving her.
i am not religious, but spiritual. i see god in nature. i have never found a connection to organized religion, but spent a lot of time on reservations with native americans and found my faith there, but my addictions caused me to lose that. just this past week i was seeking something, but i wanted it to be in my culture, so i turned to st. jude patron of lost causes. i prayed with an open mind for answers or signs and the understanding i might not get what i want from it. i even was given a st jude charm to wear and i prayed. this week stuff has happened and i got answers. i now need to take them for what they are.
i have to get my life back. i have to cut my addiction to her, i have to not go back to my addictions, i need to grow to become the person i was meant to be, just like i wanted her to do. it is easy to sit back and see what others need to do, but hard to do it myself. i never have. i lived my entire life with this underlying pain and secret life. all i want out of life is to be happy with someone. i am not someone who needs another to be happy, like i said, i spent many years on and off alone and happy. i have to seize this time to grow or i may not ever do it. i am 43, but still 18 in some ways. some good, some not good.
i feel like something was released from me just now, like a cage was opened and i can fly, but i also fear leaving the cage a little. i go around and around in my thoughts. i can live and maybe find someone to be happy with-i am alone and have nothing. but there is a chance to grow and be happy-whats the use i never took the opportunity before.
i dont get it. before i was back with her, i was merrily doing my garden and being me, happy to be alone, just happy to be. now i feel that fear of facing the world alone again- only to an extent, but that i miss the hand holding, the togetherness. you know what i want-- i want to have someone to have a weekend with, i nice drive to nowhere with a bunch of music and, well, basically i want a happy relationship. all this pain and struggling and obsessing only happens when i am with her, but i cannot blame her. ahh- the thoguht came back- why not me? why wouldn't she want to get better and be with me? how can she say she doesnt feel that passion? ok breathe- she is not healthy for me.
i am a person who will give up my happiness for someone else to be. i need to just accept that her and i dont work together that way. i feel that my addictions have held me back for a long long time and that i wasted much time. i really feel i have so much to give someone, i dont even need much in return. i mean that in a healthy way. my entire life i have felt that i was filled with love to give. i have had a few good relationships, but i want the real thing. i want ot get better to getthe real thing. despite always wanting it, i always told myself i dont need it. that was justification for staying alone and not having to escape my addiction.
well i guess thats a wrap. who do i pay for this session?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by steve1840
yes hydro, i do want to know why she hasn't. listening to others here i should not take it personally and that her only focus is getting high. i can accept that.
it is very difficult for me to think of it that she doesnt care at all. i do feel a little at ease accepting that it is not really her. i dont quite know what else to think.
it is very difficult for me to think of it that she doesnt care at all. i do feel a little at ease accepting that it is not really her. i dont quite know what else to think.
Slowly, eventually, you will accept and then grieve the loss of that relationship....of that dream you hold dear. Grief is perfectly natural and healthy, and we all have to go through it sometimes for a variety of reasons.
I hope that someday you will change your dream, Steve, to something that is grounded in reality and is healthy for you. I hope that you get some healing sleep tonight.
Hugs and prayers, HG
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by steve1840
amy-
when you put it that way, i see it. i do want a fix.
do you necessarily believe that all she wants to do is to know she's got me where she wants? i mean it's only been a short while, cant she still have some true feelings left?
when you put it that way, i see it. i do want a fix.
do you necessarily believe that all she wants to do is to know she's got me where she wants? i mean it's only been a short while, cant she still have some true feelings left?
I am going to share some examples of my experience with you.
AH, was told by one of our adult children that I had been out somewhere one night, he called me the next day talking about wanting to come home but said he guess he couldn't since I was "dating" silly me told him where I had went and once he got the info he wanted I didn't hear from him for a week.
He keeps making excuses why he can't get my house key and car key too me, as well as why I can't meet him and get them, Why??? To keep his foot in the door of course.
IMO, I do think they feel when not using but still use us as tools.
Today has been extremely hard on me I am not sure why, I even texted him so just like you I am playing into the GAME.
I will keep praying for you we both have a long way to go.
Hugs,
Angie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
thanks
thank you all for being here for me. i know i have been a tough one and caused some frustration. some warranted, some i think from the limitations of messaging.
i feel a weight lifted. i am not goingto dwell on the loss of hte relationship but focus on a healthy me. when can i officially say i am on the other side?
i am a little scared though that i am taking it so well. i hope the rubber band doesnt pull me back.
i want to be on the side of bright colors and not in the blackness.
i have so many memories of this summer good and bad. i think i have ptsd. i think the healthiest thing for me to do is not try to relive the feelings of hte summer. i need to distance myself from the hood, from the drugs, from all of that. i could see if i dont that i could end up out there addicted and she'll be clean and not do a thing for me.
l am goingto stay with therapy, what is good is that i can make it about me and not her now.
i feel like you are my war buddies
i feel a weight lifted. i am not goingto dwell on the loss of hte relationship but focus on a healthy me. when can i officially say i am on the other side?
i am a little scared though that i am taking it so well. i hope the rubber band doesnt pull me back.
i want to be on the side of bright colors and not in the blackness.
i have so many memories of this summer good and bad. i think i have ptsd. i think the healthiest thing for me to do is not try to relive the feelings of hte summer. i need to distance myself from the hood, from the drugs, from all of that. i could see if i dont that i could end up out there addicted and she'll be clean and not do a thing for me.
l am goingto stay with therapy, what is good is that i can make it about me and not her now.
i feel like you are my war buddies
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I think counseling is a good idea, Steve. I hope it goes really well for you, that you can learn more and more about yourself and what will make you happy.
Someone here on the boards once wrote that her own counselor was speaking to her about her low self esteem because her BF had broken up with her. The exchange with the counselor went something like this:
Counselor: So, do you like lima beans?
Patient: What? No, I don't like lima beans.
Counselor: Is there anything wrong with lima beans?
Patient: No, there's nothing wrong with them. I just don't happen to like them.
Sometimes relationships don't work out, some folks just don't like limas.
I'll say it again....be good to yourself, get some rest, good luck with counseling!!!! There's nothing wrong with you that can't get better, Steve.
Best,
HG
Someone here on the boards once wrote that her own counselor was speaking to her about her low self esteem because her BF had broken up with her. The exchange with the counselor went something like this:
Counselor: So, do you like lima beans?
Patient: What? No, I don't like lima beans.
Counselor: Is there anything wrong with lima beans?
Patient: No, there's nothing wrong with them. I just don't happen to like them.
Sometimes relationships don't work out, some folks just don't like limas.
I'll say it again....be good to yourself, get some rest, good luck with counseling!!!! There's nothing wrong with you that can't get better, Steve.
Best,
HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
unimportant question
this question is not of great importance as it is not something for me to dwell on and i am not wanting things to be different. but...i wonder if i messed up. if i did everything wrong. that all the help i gave all the enabling showed me as weak rather than strong. by everything i've ever posted you have no reason to see me as anything other than weak. if i told her i want no part from the beginning, would that have made a difference? its ok. i dont think we would have really worked anyway. i wanted it to be more than it was. so i guess it really doesnt matter. maybe it just is what it is. i could only do what was built to do at that time. did i do anything wrong? did i make anything worse? or should i just let it go and not give it another thought?
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