weekend
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Brother, read some of my old posts, the folks here will confirm it, I know this 'life' inside out, none of it's real.
It's a fantasy. Problem is, there are real consequences for you.
Not sure what else I can tell you.
It's a fantasy. Problem is, there are real consequences for you.
Not sure what else I can tell you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi (((Steve)))), sorry you still insist on torturing yourself.....
So, let's play this tape through. What if you had found her last night. What would you have said to her?
What do you think she would have said to you?
What, in your mind, would have happened during this encounter?
I can assure you that what would have happened is NOT what your mind is picturing.
Best to you, Steve. You will have enough when you've had enough.
Hugs, HG
So, let's play this tape through. What if you had found her last night. What would you have said to her?
What do you think she would have said to you?
What, in your mind, would have happened during this encounter?
I can assure you that what would have happened is NOT what your mind is picturing.
Best to you, Steve. You will have enough when you've had enough.
Hugs, HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
thanks.
i did tell her a couple weeks ago i had enough and i am fairly sure that is why she left. maybe there is some guilt attached to that. i guess i want to insure that she knows that despite that, that i love and care for her.
BIG fear is losing her by detaching. i know its not the case. i know she knows i love her with all my heart and i know she loves me too. but the nagging thought is that by not seeing her to tell her that, that she thinks i stopped and that she'll continue along feeling there is no one who does.
i dont want to be there to cushion every blow, to be a door mat, to be used.
i do want to be there to love and support and be a friend.
i did tell her a couple weeks ago i had enough and i am fairly sure that is why she left. maybe there is some guilt attached to that. i guess i want to insure that she knows that despite that, that i love and care for her.
BIG fear is losing her by detaching. i know its not the case. i know she knows i love her with all my heart and i know she loves me too. but the nagging thought is that by not seeing her to tell her that, that she thinks i stopped and that she'll continue along feeling there is no one who does.
i dont want to be there to cushion every blow, to be a door mat, to be used.
i do want to be there to love and support and be a friend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by steve1840 
tbut the nagging thought is that by not seeing her to tell her that, that she thinks i stopped and that she'll continue along feeling there is no one who does.
Then keep looking for her Steve. Devote every hour that you possibly can to find her and tell her. Do it right, keep looking and looking and looking for her until you succeed.
She's dead from the neck down. I speak as a recovering addict.
It won't make a whit's bit of difference what you say to her, but give it your best shot.
I wish you nothing but the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
john- what do you mean by none of it is real?
hydro- i guess in my mind, i see her and ask how she is, tell her i've been thinking about her, tell her i love her and am there to support her if/when she needs it for recovery, and just say that no matter what i will never judge you or hate you, i only care about. i know you are doing what you have to do, just please be careful, andlet me know you are ok from time to time, i love you no matter what.
i guess thats the jist of it
hydro- i guess in my mind, i see her and ask how she is, tell her i've been thinking about her, tell her i love her and am there to support her if/when she needs it for recovery, and just say that no matter what i will never judge you or hate you, i only care about. i know you are doing what you have to do, just please be careful, andlet me know you are ok from time to time, i love you no matter what.
i guess thats the jist of it
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Steve))) - yesterday, I was in a funk about my job situation, yet was contemplating taking yet another restaurant job...something that has not worked out very well for me.
I had a very dear friend tell me "that's it..you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but I'm going to step back and stay out of it". I know she loves me and cares about what happens to me. When she said that, it was like a wake-up call for me.
I didn't want to alienate her, and I knew she was right. Thanks to recovery, I looked at other options and am NOT going to apply to any more restaurants.
She loved me enough to step back and let me deal with it, on my own. THAT is what a true friend does. BTW, she's an RA I met here, and I'm very grateful for her...thanks ((Anvilhead))!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I had a very dear friend tell me "that's it..you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but I'm going to step back and stay out of it". I know she loves me and cares about what happens to me. When she said that, it was like a wake-up call for me.
I didn't want to alienate her, and I knew she was right. Thanks to recovery, I looked at other options and am NOT going to apply to any more restaurants.
She loved me enough to step back and let me deal with it, on my own. THAT is what a true friend does. BTW, she's an RA I met here, and I'm very grateful for her...thanks ((Anvilhead))!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
OK, Steve, let me ask you this question:
Do YOU need to be told constantly that you are loved by someone in order to believe that you are still loved by that person? Do you need for someone to constantly seek you out and impress upon you just how much they love you? Even if you were quite ill, would you want someone constantly on the phone, at your door, trying to tell you all the time that they love you?
or
Would you know that they cared even if they weren't always wanting to tell you?
Do YOU need to be told constantly that you are loved by someone in order to believe that you are still loved by that person? Do you need for someone to constantly seek you out and impress upon you just how much they love you? Even if you were quite ill, would you want someone constantly on the phone, at your door, trying to tell you all the time that they love you?
or
Would you know that they cared even if they weren't always wanting to tell you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hydro-
thats a good question. and i see what you mean. i guess my thought is that being out on the streets with shame off addiction and everythnig else she is doing she feels bad about herself and unlovable. she told me that herself before. so, since she knows i have pulled back and stepped out of it (obviously not emotionally) adn we havent spoken in a couple weeks, it jsut felt right to reiterate it, i didnt tell her anything like that for a while and she could feel my distance- her telling me she feels i dont like her anymore. then she was gone. so i have not wanted her to be out there thinking that was true.
i know i am a broken record.
thats a good question. and i see what you mean. i guess my thought is that being out on the streets with shame off addiction and everythnig else she is doing she feels bad about herself and unlovable. she told me that herself before. so, since she knows i have pulled back and stepped out of it (obviously not emotionally) adn we havent spoken in a couple weeks, it jsut felt right to reiterate it, i didnt tell her anything like that for a while and she could feel my distance- her telling me she feels i dont like her anymore. then she was gone. so i have not wanted her to be out there thinking that was true.
i know i am a broken record.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Steve
Are you reading any type of recovery literature? If not may i suggest?
How it Works for Family/Friends of Alcoholics
Co-Dependent No More
Getting them Sober
I believe in addition to the things you are trying to do - these books may help you on your journey.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Are you reading any type of recovery literature? If not may i suggest?
How it Works for Family/Friends of Alcoholics
Co-Dependent No More
Getting them Sober
I believe in addition to the things you are trying to do - these books may help you on your journey.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Then keep looking for her Steve. Devote every hour that you possibly can to find her and tell her. Do it right, keep looking and looking and looking for her until you succeed.
I couldn't agree more.
Steve, do you see how a simple 'missed call' has you in a frenzy again?
I couldn't agree more.
Steve, do you see how a simple 'missed call' has you in a frenzy again?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key. You have the key, Steve, but you refuse to use it. You keep thinking just one more time and you'll be satisfied, but you won't. Just like the addict, you'll need a fix again and again until you decide to do whatever it takes to stop. Until you reach that point, there is nothing anyone can do to help you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by steve1840
being out on the streets with shame off addiction and everythnig else she is doing she feels bad about herself and unlovable. she told me that herself before.
Originally Posted by steve1840
so, since she knows i have pulled back and stepped out of it (obviously not emotionally) adn we havent spoken in a couple weeks, it jsut felt right to reiterate it
Originally Posted by steve1840
i didnt tell her anything like that for a while and she could feel my distance- her telling me she feels i dont like her anymore. then she was gone. so i have not wanted her to be out there thinking that was true.
Her self esteem, her struggle with addiction, the consequences of her actions all belong to her. I hope and pray that she will reach her bottom soon. I also hope and pray that you will also reach your bottom Steve.....good luck!
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Steve you posted this,
i know she knows i love her with all my heart and i know she loves me too.
You are so certain of your feelings and hers and yet you are still making excuses and justifying your need to see her as something noble and healthy.
It's crap Steve. You're addicted to her the way she is addicted.
You are an addict in recovery struggling with an urge to use.
So what are you going to do about it?
I hope you can beat this thing. I really do.
Alice
i know she knows i love her with all my heart and i know she loves me too.
You are so certain of your feelings and hers and yet you are still making excuses and justifying your need to see her as something noble and healthy.
It's crap Steve. You're addicted to her the way she is addicted.
You are an addict in recovery struggling with an urge to use.
So what are you going to do about it?
I hope you can beat this thing. I really do.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
For what it is worth, one of my boundaries I keep up so that I have a healthy lifestyle is that I don't accept phone calls past 9pm and often earlier than that. So I don 't have drama or missed sleep.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Wow Steve, You are really suffering. I feel for you and only wish you could see the light here. Mark my words~~~you will come back and thank everyone for their advice as soon as you REALLY get it. You are torturing yourself to death over this. If she called, why no message?? If she needed help she would have left one. Go look for her~~see if that makes you feel better~~I doubt that it will.. You hav to take car eof you or your life as you know it (minus her))))) will slowly fall apart also. Luck and hope, Bonnie
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