selling herself
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You will be a distant memory to her because if she finds recovery she will be balanced, working on herself, at peace..and have no room for toxicity in her life. This is what we are taught about our loved ones in recovery..WE better get recovery..if they do get better and we don't..they will be healthy and MOVE ON from the likes of our sickness.
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i wish there was a meeting place where we could all get together for a while as group therapy or something. a problem with posting, for me, is that i only spew out one side of me- this needy, freaked out, obsessed shell of a person. at least that is how i see some of my posting as being.
before this all happened, there was a fairly solid, cool person going about his life, but one who shoved a bunch of baggage under the carpet. this experience opened up stuff which is why i am all over the place. the therapist went well. he said it seemed like i have have done alot of thinking and have uncovered a lot of stuff, now we haveto sort it out.
while i was with my gf during her addiction, i stayed clear of my addictions. in fact i had been for sometime before that, except once early on i made the mistake of partying with her. although i express this obsessive controlling behaviour here on the board with all my questions, i really did not try to control or change her, but i certainly did suggest stuff. i felt it was best to just be an understanding friend rather then try to push my thoughts. i got better at that as time went on. then eventually she took off. she has not seen this side of me- the side that is broken down, but trying to get repaired. i have not chased her down or tried to get her to get help or come home or any of that. i guess i kept my codependency in check around her. i have let her be, and internalized all my fears and desires. they come out here in a torrent. i will get better, i know that. she may get better, she may not. but i do believe that her and i are like family and will have some relationship. maybe not.
before this all happened, there was a fairly solid, cool person going about his life, but one who shoved a bunch of baggage under the carpet. this experience opened up stuff which is why i am all over the place. the therapist went well. he said it seemed like i have have done alot of thinking and have uncovered a lot of stuff, now we haveto sort it out.
while i was with my gf during her addiction, i stayed clear of my addictions. in fact i had been for sometime before that, except once early on i made the mistake of partying with her. although i express this obsessive controlling behaviour here on the board with all my questions, i really did not try to control or change her, but i certainly did suggest stuff. i felt it was best to just be an understanding friend rather then try to push my thoughts. i got better at that as time went on. then eventually she took off. she has not seen this side of me- the side that is broken down, but trying to get repaired. i have not chased her down or tried to get her to get help or come home or any of that. i guess i kept my codependency in check around her. i have let her be, and internalized all my fears and desires. they come out here in a torrent. i will get better, i know that. she may get better, she may not. but i do believe that her and i are like family and will have some relationship. maybe not.
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taking charge-
interesting therapy. i have always tried to keep that child alive in me, but her got screwed up as a child. all my issues come from the trauma of having an ogre of a father-maybe bi-polar, maybe narcissistic, don't know, but definately something.
i have been safe.
interesting therapy. i have always tried to keep that child alive in me, but her got screwed up as a child. all my issues come from the trauma of having an ogre of a father-maybe bi-polar, maybe narcissistic, don't know, but definately something.
i have been safe.
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
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Originally Posted by steve1840 
why is that? we've known each other for years.
As a recovering addict/alcoholic, when I got clean and sober I needed to change things. Change, people, places and things that would be associated with my using.
Having a spiritual awakening through working my recovering program I came to release how dysfunctional and toxic my twleve year relationship with my wife was (ex wife now) we were two sick people feeding of each other. I was healing, changing and growing spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally in my recovery she stayed stuck in her stinking thinking.
There is an old AA saying that, 'AA doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let us in it opens up the gates of hell and lets us out. Making amends to ourselves and others by changing the attitudes and behaviors that have caused us to hurt ourselves and others. And we cannot make those amends without owning the feelings, I now own those feelings, I made my amends to my ex wife, now she is a distant memory.
Steve, codependence is all about having a dysfunctional relationship with self: with our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. Because we cannot be emotionally honest with ourselves we aren't really being totally honest with anyone ever.
TB
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Steve, codependence is all about having a dysfunctional relationship with self: with our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. Because we cannot be emotionally honest with ourselves we aren't really being totally honest with anyone ever.
i believe that 100%. most importantly i want to fix the dysfunctional relationship with my self. i want to be released from my "stinking thinking." since i was a teen i voluntarily stayed within those gates of hell, all the while putting on a normal facade mostly ignoring the reality of my existence. perhaps i was drawn to her dysfunction. in any event i need to get back to my center.
aside from all the baggage i have and all she has, and as i slowly get to stand firmly on two feet, i want to be centered again and reconnected with my spirituality. but i still want her to know i love her (as a person, not saying as a boyfriend) and for her not to have negative thoguhts about me.
first thing first
i believe that 100%. most importantly i want to fix the dysfunctional relationship with my self. i want to be released from my "stinking thinking." since i was a teen i voluntarily stayed within those gates of hell, all the while putting on a normal facade mostly ignoring the reality of my existence. perhaps i was drawn to her dysfunction. in any event i need to get back to my center.
aside from all the baggage i have and all she has, and as i slowly get to stand firmly on two feet, i want to be centered again and reconnected with my spirituality. but i still want her to know i love her (as a person, not saying as a boyfriend) and for her not to have negative thoguhts about me.
first thing first
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Steve,
I was rather amazed at your comments about the rehab facilities and etc.
It came across to me that you think she should be coddled.
When I factor in that she is on the street and all that entails, an institutional rehab seems to be a much better place even if it isn't the Betty Ford center.
I have done my share of inpatient on the locked wards due to bipolar.
I never expect it to be a warm cozy experience.
It is about saving my life and health, so I put up with things I don't necessarily like.
Also...where we are, there we go.
I frankly do not believe that the codependence does not exhibit itself when you interact with her.
I am not usuallly rough on here...but this time I am.
I was rather amazed at your comments about the rehab facilities and etc.
It came across to me that you think she should be coddled.
When I factor in that she is on the street and all that entails, an institutional rehab seems to be a much better place even if it isn't the Betty Ford center.
I have done my share of inpatient on the locked wards due to bipolar.
I never expect it to be a warm cozy experience.
It is about saving my life and health, so I put up with things I don't necessarily like.
Also...where we are, there we go.
I frankly do not believe that the codependence does not exhibit itself when you interact with her.
I am not usuallly rough on here...but this time I am.
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live-
no worries, you dont seem rough. i dont think she should be coddled, not at all. i just did not expect the place to be so cold. but after being there and seeing the other option, yes the cold crises center is better, as it served as a means to get into rehab. and i beleive now that if she really wants that detox, she will do whatever it takes to get it, just like she will do whatever it takes to get the drugs.
when i checked myself in for depression, i just expected something more than the treatment i got, frankly i got more depressed being there. but i do apologize if what i wrote came out wrong. i did not mean to infer anything negative.
i guess my codie stuff came out in the way i enabled- rides, money, taking a backseat to her "needs" when they got bad. but i did stop doing that and maybe that is why she is gone. what i meant was that i did not do the- pleading to stay, i cant live without you, why are you doing this to yourself, why are you doing this to me.
no worries, you dont seem rough. i dont think she should be coddled, not at all. i just did not expect the place to be so cold. but after being there and seeing the other option, yes the cold crises center is better, as it served as a means to get into rehab. and i beleive now that if she really wants that detox, she will do whatever it takes to get it, just like she will do whatever it takes to get the drugs.
when i checked myself in for depression, i just expected something more than the treatment i got, frankly i got more depressed being there. but i do apologize if what i wrote came out wrong. i did not mean to infer anything negative.
i guess my codie stuff came out in the way i enabled- rides, money, taking a backseat to her "needs" when they got bad. but i did stop doing that and maybe that is why she is gone. what i meant was that i did not do the- pleading to stay, i cant live without you, why are you doing this to yourself, why are you doing this to me.
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Originally Posted by steve1840
why is that? we've known each other for years.
Wanting to be centered and balanced means having the willingness to do the hard work, and it starts with acceptance. I had to 'fake it until I made it'. I said "I am powerless..." out loud and to myself every time I started to obsess, and sometimes that meant a hundred times a day.
Are you willing to take that first step?
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I was just in for a 3 day stint. I could say an awful lot on that subject! LOL
But there was a guy there that was admitted due to opiate abuse, he had nearly died.
He was a very smart and likable young guy and we enjoyed talking...as there isn't so much to do inpatient. And he would be transferring to the 28 day rehab.
He was saying how he was afraid to go home because he had alot of pills there and he knew he couldn't be around them for even a minute.
He also stated that he couldn't be around any of his people as it was too closely associated with his using.
He knew he would have to form a whole new life.
And it was going to be very hard and so he couldn't afford to take any chances.
But there was a guy there that was admitted due to opiate abuse, he had nearly died.
He was a very smart and likable young guy and we enjoyed talking...as there isn't so much to do inpatient. And he would be transferring to the 28 day rehab.
He was saying how he was afraid to go home because he had alot of pills there and he knew he couldn't be around them for even a minute.
He also stated that he couldn't be around any of his people as it was too closely associated with his using.
He knew he would have to form a whole new life.
And it was going to be very hard and so he couldn't afford to take any chances.
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i'm getting there, i am trying to get there. and i am so grateful for everyone here putting up with me.
That's been answered several times since you first came on the board, will you accept it this time from TimeBuster
the problem is, i never understand what that answer is, but i think i am on the path to it.
i hate the idea of losing her to adiction and i hate the idea of losing her because of my actions or nonactions. i feel ready to take that step in the right direction- i have therapy now, i am back to going to naranon and the love addicts meeting group.
i just keep feeling that urge for one last time to see her for the reasons i mentioned.
That's been answered several times since you first came on the board, will you accept it this time from TimeBuster
the problem is, i never understand what that answer is, but i think i am on the path to it.
i hate the idea of losing her to adiction and i hate the idea of losing her because of my actions or nonactions. i feel ready to take that step in the right direction- i have therapy now, i am back to going to naranon and the love addicts meeting group.
i just keep feeling that urge for one last time to see her for the reasons i mentioned.
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hey, Steve...alot of us have stayed confused and in it for years....it's good for me to remember that.
It has been years since I was in the midst of it and I can easily forget that my perspective has changed over time.
What seems clear to me now ...wasn't at all clear to me then.
But life will get much easier for you when it clicks.
It has been years since I was in the midst of it and I can easily forget that my perspective has changed over time.
What seems clear to me now ...wasn't at all clear to me then.
But life will get much easier for you when it clicks.
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steve, i too am obsessed with my bf and his welfare. it is not healthy it has taken over my life, made me ill with stress. i have ignored my family and friends and myself just for him, 1 person. it is so tragic, years have gone by and i am still treading water focusing all my attention on him. this has not made any difference, he has not changed. i started going to alanon and sr as a last resort. i am now in a different mental head space, a better more evolved space. do i still obsess every day - yes but it is less than before. i can only hope that as each day passes your obsessive thoughts get less and less and you can focus on living your life rather than surviving. take care of yourself
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thanks live.
i think i need to break it down to this basic question, that may not have a real answer. this question is what holds me back, or keeps me holding myself back. if i had a clear mind about this, i could take a bigger step forward.
ok- despite my codie stuff and her addiction, most of the time we spent together was fairly normal and within our ususal life- dinner, movies, music, walks, etc. we enjoyed each others company, or so it seemed. when i started to hold back and enable less, things would change. eventually without word, she left. her decision. i want remind her of whatever. wait- some of you did tell me she already knows- hmm did that answer my own question?
sort of. but i still want to tell her anyway to sort of say goodbye for now with love
or
just accept she left and move on. the problem i have with that is that i feel complacent, like i am telling her i just dont really care.
i really feel that once i settle this issue in my head i can take care of my self again, but i am SO stuck on this.
perhaps i am afraid of completely letting go. especially without saying i love you first. my one friend who knows the situation says dont go, you are only setting yourself up again and it wont change anything. i say- i dont want to tryto change anything.
i think i need to break it down to this basic question, that may not have a real answer. this question is what holds me back, or keeps me holding myself back. if i had a clear mind about this, i could take a bigger step forward.
ok- despite my codie stuff and her addiction, most of the time we spent together was fairly normal and within our ususal life- dinner, movies, music, walks, etc. we enjoyed each others company, or so it seemed. when i started to hold back and enable less, things would change. eventually without word, she left. her decision. i want remind her of whatever. wait- some of you did tell me she already knows- hmm did that answer my own question?
sort of. but i still want to tell her anyway to sort of say goodbye for now with love
or
just accept she left and move on. the problem i have with that is that i feel complacent, like i am telling her i just dont really care.
i really feel that once i settle this issue in my head i can take care of my self again, but i am SO stuck on this.
perhaps i am afraid of completely letting go. especially without saying i love you first. my one friend who knows the situation says dont go, you are only setting yourself up again and it wont change anything. i say- i dont want to tryto change anything.
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Originally Posted by steve1840
i hate the idea of losing her to adiction and i hate the idea of losing her because of my actions or nonactions.
I believe we are all children of God, and that God puts people in our lives at different times for a reason. That doesn't mean we 'have' those people. God has loaned us those people.
Some people are constants in our lives. Many come and go.
Both of my daughters were gifts from God to raise the best that I could, and then it was time to give them their wings and let them fly, even if that meant flying into a brick wall!
:
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Like others I believe you have shown your care and concern with your actions. It doesn't need to be re-stated altho' I understand that urge.
How about writing it all down in a letter and then just putting that letter away and to the side?
Excercise your first option for a month...as an experiment.
When I came here I literally counted my days of no contact..I would log on and say Day 1, Day 2, day 3....and hung out here, hanging on to my life by that sobriety from contact for dear life.
That guy in the ward with me...see he doesn't want to be around any of his friends, he associates it too much with his using.
Since you bought drugs for her and etc...she would not want to be around someone whom she could think...ooooo, that person could get me my fix.
How about writing it all down in a letter and then just putting that letter away and to the side?
Excercise your first option for a month...as an experiment.
When I came here I literally counted my days of no contact..I would log on and say Day 1, Day 2, day 3....and hung out here, hanging on to my life by that sobriety from contact for dear life.
That guy in the ward with me...see he doesn't want to be around any of his friends, he associates it too much with his using.
Since you bought drugs for her and etc...she would not want to be around someone whom she could think...ooooo, that person could get me my fix.
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Originally Posted by steve1840
perhaps i am afraid of completely letting go. especially without saying i love you first. my one friend who knows the situation says dont go, you are only setting yourself up again and it wont change anything. i say- i dont want to tryto change anything.
I know that when you typed this you were saying you wanna see her not try and change her etc... Steve can you say that with all HONESTY? I know I can't my AH is suppose to come by here tomorrow and I can't say if he asked to move back in that I would refuse... One reason being I DO want to change things. I had a very hard time admitting that to myself.
The problem with that is I can only change me. You can only change you.
If you did see her and say what you wanted what then? What if she decides she wants to be back with you can you say no at this point?
If not then your just like me in a very unhealthy spot.
Personally, I plan to stay as far away from him as possible while I work on me with the hopes of being stronger when I do finally have to see him.
Hugs,
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I believe you have shown your care and concern with your actions. It doesn't need to be re-stated
again, this kind of reassurance goes a long way.
angie-
i do beleive i am at that point. i cannot let her stay with me in this condition. of course i want things to be different, but i have learned and accepted that i cannot do anything to change her. so with accepting that, i realize i need to let her live her life her way. which brings me full circle to wanting to tell her i love her as i let her live her life.
maybe that is it!!!-
i want to be able to let go to let her live her life, but as i do that i want her to know i still love her
again, this kind of reassurance goes a long way.
angie-
i do beleive i am at that point. i cannot let her stay with me in this condition. of course i want things to be different, but i have learned and accepted that i cannot do anything to change her. so with accepting that, i realize i need to let her live her life her way. which brings me full circle to wanting to tell her i love her as i let her live her life.
maybe that is it!!!-
i want to be able to let go to let her live her life, but as i do that i want her to know i still love her
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well then, I said this to my XAABF..
I love you, I will always love you...but I can't do this.
and I went no contact and like you poured myself out here. But I did the one first action.
NO CONTACT
I love you, I will always love you...but I can't do this.
and I went no contact and like you poured myself out here. But I did the one first action.
NO CONTACT
The truth shall set you free
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Originally Posted by steve1840
i want to be able to let go to let her live her life, but as i do that i want her to know i still love her
The real reason you want to say I love you for the very last time is to see how she reacts - to FEED your addiction/sickness.
One more time Steve,
As long you believe that you have to have the other in your life to be happy, you are really just an addict trying to protect your supply - using another person as your drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.
TB
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