keepinon

I have been told by her therapist to keep things "light". It is so weird to have to watch everything you say to someone. I want to see her, but am not really looking forward to it..you know? My thoughts were to take her to a movie(no chatting required for a couple of hours )and to dinner.
What I REALLY want to do is GRILL her on what she is doing, what her IOP counselor is working on , what is she getting out of NA..etc, etc. Not a good idea!
Anyone have any tips for me? I am used to probing and trying to have deep, meaningful converstions with her and apparently that is no bueno for right now.We have been in extremely limited contact (5 min. conversations 1x a week)and this is making me really nervous.

EJG123

I guess you could try thinking of her recovery/IOP as her job/work that she might not want to talk about in her leisure time with you. After a long day at work, my husband (not an addict) doesn't always want to talk about his job/work which is fine with me.

Freedom1990

I think a movie and dinner would be nice.

I know it's hard, but try not to project about the visit.

I guarantee she's a bundle of emotions right now, and keeping it light is a good idea.

Kindeyes

keepinon......trust your higher power to guide you and give you strength. You'll be fine.

gentle hugs

outtolunch

Minding my own business when it comes to my daughter is challenging for me because this mama knows best and all that. I had to run a mantra at first where I kep repeating "silence, silence,silence". It's becoming second nature ( well almost) now to not offer my opinion, unless I am asked and even then, I ask her to tell me the alternatives and we weigh them together.

meditation

when my family came to visit when I was in my 90 day treatment stay, I really just wanted to be with them, enjoy a meal, catch up on their life. The last thing I wanted was to be grilled cause I really just wanted to be loved and to love. I can't say what her treatment experience is like but for me it was painful, I felt so tense, so on edge so raw, having to watch everything I said or who I spoke to or how I came across, it was nervewracking so just to be with them was wonderful and we kept it happy, joyful. There was no me telling them how it should be when I go home or them telling me how I should be it was just accepting. It was exactly what I needed. I was so grateful to my family. I hope you and your daughter can find a way to accept one another just as each of you are at this moment because that was so wonderful for me. Maybe it's not what every person needs as each person is different. I am sure though it will go fine. I hope you have a wonderful time.

keepinon

I am just not sure I am ready. The therapist called today and asked me why I was going. I said'Guilt". He thinks I may just not be to a place in my own recovery where I can be with her right now. My husband will go by himself if I want. As we get closer to the time, I am dreading it more. The last converstaion i had w/my daughter wasn't great. I am really glad she is doing ok and very grateful for her recovery, but maybe I don't need to go. Then I start thinking..oh God, what if she relapses and this is my last chance to see her clean...but I may be a mental case which Is looking more and more like a possibility.

The therapist thinks I give her too much and have conditioned her to be a taker w/no consideration of anyone's feelings but her own and that she basically need s a wake up call.I am very confused. I NEVER flake on commitments that I make and I said I would go, but I'm thinking about being selfish and not going.

outtolunch

There is nothing selfish about self love and taking care of your own emotional well being. Consider trusting your gut and therapist and stay home.

keepinon

I am trying to look at my motives..to punish her? To preserve my sanity? I can't even read myself......the therapist asked me if I let anyone else in my life treat me this way.I said no, as a matter of fact if she wasn't my daughter, I would've walked away a long time ago and never looked back. I said it's exhausting to have to hold my boundaries all the time..she is forever crossing them. I told him that I prefer to be around people that just respect my boundaries so I don't have to "enforce" them.
I think for me the crux of the problem is that I DO cross the street when I see crazy coming, I generally DO have good boundaries, I surround myself with pretty emotionally healthy people who treat me well. But, it's my KID. I feel like I can't just walk away. I would have cut anyone else out of my life like a tumor who brought such devastation.
BUT
I am working my program and she is sober and on her path and for that I feel blessed. It just ain't over when they quit....

Freedom1990

Dear, if you are not ready, you're not ready. Decisions based on guilt always backfired on me in the long run.

I understand allowing a daughter to treat you poorly because I was guilty of that with my oldest, and it just kept draining me until I finally hit a bottom with her.

Sometimes we over-think things. Perhaps acceptance that you are just not ready yet, and leave it at that is the way to go now?

:ghug3

Chino

When I can't read myself it means I don't know myself, whatever the situation is. That's when I do nothing except explore my own feelings.

I've learned that before I can "say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean," I have to know who I am and what I want.

Keep working your program, detaching your identity from your daughter, and the answers will all come. Your first commitment is to yourself

anewdaytosmile

When I go visit my son at his sober recovery house I keep the converstions on things that are in our daily lives. We visit him about once a week. I ask what he did that week, what were his chores, etc. And talk about my job and the weather or other topics that are easier.

The biggest help is that he still has a support person from the house with him at all times. That person monitors what he says and he is not suppose to say anything that is negative to me. At first when he was doing that I didn't go visit, because it was bad for both of us. What I'm concerned about is when they decide he no longer needs a support person, will he start being negative again? I don't know. If he is I will exit the converstion.

I understand how hard this is. You need to decide when you are ready to go visit your daughter.

It's so hard for me not to give advice to my kids. My husband tries and stops me whenever I start, even the smallest thing, like asking if he needs us to bring him any warm clothes, etc. My husband wants our son to ask us. Even my daughter, who does not have addiction problems gets upset when I give her advice.

I'm trying to work the steps and have just started with a therapist for myself, hopefully that will help me.

I'm glad that you also have a therapist and hope you can accept whichever decision you make for this weekend, whether you go visit or not.

Keep us posted.

keepinon

Well, I decides to call my daughter. The plan was 1. if she has any kind out attitude during the call, I will tell her I am not ready to come 2. if she seemed open to talking about the visit I would try that.She seemed open so I told her I was concerned that maybe neither one of us was ready. She said she was nervous too, but really did want to see me, but understood if I wasn't ready. I said that she seems to get short w/ me and I won't be tolerating that. She said she recognized that and is working on it. We agreed to not discuss "heavy topics" and to keep the visit kind of short.I am feeling a little better about it.We will see how things go...

tjp613

Is there anyplace near her sle where you can just go for a nice walk and enjoy nature? Maybe a botanical garden where you can talk about the unusual plants and flowers...something like that? Getting some sunshine and exercise is never a bad thing. Maybe bring a photo album of her dorky years for a good laugh.

I'm glad you had the talk with her though, that way if you start to get edgy you have an out. I have the feeling things will go just fine.

keepinon

Supposed to be in the car right now driving out to see my daughter. That is not happening. When I spoke to her on wed. I asked her to check the movie times for today (yes I was going to endure Jackass 3D). I called yesterday and she said she was just getting ready to call and check..I said ok, call me right back.This was about 2 pm. At 8 I called and spoke to the house mother and told her to tell my daughter that she should call and lv mssge w/ the time. I did not want to get there too long before the movie.
No mssg. as of this morning. Drama, tears(hers), excuses (I didn't know you wantedme to call you!), texts with the therapist..all the stupid BS that is now de riguer in my life..my husband and I decide that we will not be going.
If that was a friend of mine who didn't call me back although I was treating and driving 5 hours round trip I wouldnb't go either.WHat is that you hear? Perhaps a spine growing? Or maybe my dignity?
i am just no longer interested in having a one way relationship..with anyone..relatives included. I have to start over and teach her how to treat me. If she wants a relationship, she will have to start pulling her weight.Giving in addition to taking.What a concept.

My husband and I had our kids young I was 18 and he was 21.We are 40 and 43 now. We both want to have a midlife crisis.. but we can't afford one! We thought we'd be carefree right now. Oh well..we decided to have lunch at the beach today and my hip is happy it won't have a 5 hr. drive!

laurie6781

Your growth is really showing!!!!!!

Good for you!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy your lunch!!!!!!!!!!

You make my heart smile!!!!!

Love and hugs,

keepinon

Thanks I needed that..still feel a little like a bit@#, but not TOO much!

tjp613

I think that's so great that you are teaching her these lessons. Did you say what you mean but not say it mean?? If so, then you definitely deserve a gold star!!

I don't know where I went wrong with my kids, and I'm actually ASHAMED to admit this, but neither of them buy me cards or gifts for my birthday, Mother's Day and/or Christmas! WTF??? Not even a lousy card! They are 16 and 20 freaking years old!!! So, I've decided I don't need to do those things for them anymore either. This is gonna be Christmas for ME this year and I'll buy my own damn gifts with the money I would have spent on them. So there.

keepinon

We can be so "selfless" that we show them we aren't even worth the effort. We will take whatever little scraps they deign to throw at us. I have to change that. I can't believe i've allowed them to treat me this way..its the frog in the hot water thing, turning it up so slowly you don't even notice you"re in boiling water. But my eyes have been opened and there's no going back. Gonna write a letter and put the ball in her court.I'm gonna have to see some effort on her part.

tjp613

Ouch! That hit me right between the eyes!!