AD and grandkids..

Old 10-25-2010, 01:55 AM
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AD and grandkids..

I am new here and need help, support and advice.

I have one child, my AD who is 33 and has been addicted to Opiates for about 1 1/2 years up until a month ago when she called me for help and I told her the only way I could help her would be to take her to the hospital so she agreed to go to the hospital for withdrawal treatment. She was shooting up the opiates and I really don't know how many she was taking when she quit but I do know it was alot.

She is single and living with her abuser BF (not physical thank God but everything else). My AD has 2 children (daughters - 9 and 6) living with her and her abusive BF. My older 12 yr. old grandson is living with his dad in another state due to my AD's earlier addiction to cocaine which she has been clean from for 10 years now. Also, she was diagnosed with Bipolar when she was 20.

Her ex-husband (the 6 yr. old's dad) just died at 44 from cancer which was caused by excessive drinking and smoking. He was an active alcoholic when he got cancer. They divorced when my grand daughter was 2. He fought for custody but the court granted joint custody. I found out that he began giving my daughter his pain killers (oxy's and others) over a year ago but I knew there was nothing I could do especially since I couldn't prove it. I think he did this knowing her history with addiction and this was his way of gaining control of my grand daughter which he managed to get until he died a month ago. He was also an abuser including physical when they were married.

She actually met this current BF while she was still married to her ex so she went from one horrible, abusive relationship to another. She's been with her BF now for almost 4 years. I truly believe that one reason she sought out the pain killers from her ex was because of this current abusive relationship.

Her BF has managed to chase all her friends away. He makes her keep all receipts so he can see what she has spent. He checks her cell phone every day. He is self employed so he can go home during the day to make sure she is home and not running around without telling him. She has to call him if she goes out to tell him where she is going and who she is going with. He constantly picks fights with her by accusing her of messing around. If he sees her talking to men anywhere he accuses her of messing around so now she hides inside if she wants to talk to someone like at the grocery store or the like - she won't talk to them in the parking lot. There are many other things he does/says - a typical abuser.

They live about 25 minutes from me. My AD called me about 10 days ago to tell me she had relapsed and took pills for about 4 days because her BF was being really bad, but she stopped 3 days before the phone call and of course was not feeling well and going through a small withdrawal but wanted to quit again. Five days ago my AD called me crying because her BF was being horribly verbally abusive again but regained her composure and told me she'd call me back. A few minutes later my 9 yr. old grand daughter called me crying that her mom and BF were fighting and she wanted to come stay with us. I told her we would be right there to pick her and her sister up.

My AD called me when we were halfway there to tell me that I shouldn't come, that everything was ok now. I told here that we were coming and the kids would be staying with us at least for the night. She started to say things like "so you're going to take my girls away from me so I'll never see them again." I said no, I never said that but I know she was saying things in front of the girls to try to make them and me feel bad. The girls did feel bad as they told me they did but I didn't feel bad because I knew it was manipulation.

So, we did take the girls for the night and took them to school the next day. After dropping the girls off at school my husband and I went to my AD's house and here BF was there. She met us at the door and would not let us in and her BF was sitting on couch listening to the whole conversation. I told my AD that I didn't want the girls to live in that environment anymore. I told her that I couldn't stand the girls going through that anymore. Of course my AD was not pleased with any of this conversation.

As we were talking, my 9 yr. old GD called her mom from school and told her that she wanted to stay at their house with their mom, that she just wanted to stay with us for the night because she was upset, that she wanted her mom to pick her and her sister up from school. I heard the conversation because my AD turned on the speaker phone.

I told my AD that I would for now, honor what my grand children wanted but if I received any more phone calls from them I would not let them go back. I also told her that I could no longer talk to her if she wanted to talk about how badly her BF treated her, that I didn't want her to call me if that's what she wanted to talk about.

Haven't heard from her since (4 days ago) until yesterday. I got a text saying: "Just letting you know (my GD) got all As and Bs. bye". I almost replied but didn't want to play into her game which is all it was. She could have let my GD call me to tell me about her report card.

I was exposed to AA and Alanon for 15+ years because my ex-husband was a recovering alcoholic (not my AD's father). We married when he was already in the program so my AD was never exposed to his drinking but her biological dad was an alcoholic and died from drinking at 46. He was physically abusive to me and that's why I left him when she was not even a year old but his alcoholism affected me, hence the reason I spent 8 years going to Alanon.

Was I wrong to let the kids go back? I don't want to lose communication completely because of the kids - is that wrong? I would not hesitate to take my grandkids and she knows it but if I break off communication with her I'm afraid I won't be able to keep any eye on the kids.

She admits she is being abused and should leave but says she "loves" him (typical). I get that - I lived with her dad for 7 1/2 years before I could leave him and the only reason I did leave was because I didn't want her to be around him. I wish she would do the same for her kids.

I seriously don't know what to do here. If it was just here I could let go as I have done it before before there were grandkids. Now there's the grandkids involved so it's different - harder.

Any advice would be much appreciated and thanks so much for listening to my ramblings!
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:37 AM
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hello and welcome. I am so sorry for the reason you are here,tho. you have found a wonderful resource, and many will be along to give you some experience and compassion.

i can as a grandmother say that i can imagine your fear and pain. it is bad enough to have a child addicted, but for the innocent to be affected is beyond unfair.

i guess i would try to maintain contact with the grandbabies, so that they are more comfortable coming to stay with you occasionally, when they need to. they probably are afraid that something bad will happen to their mom, and want to stay close to her. if they can see that they can visit you and mom is still alive afterward, it may give them some needed relief from worry. i would try to get the kids used to being with you, in case you would need to take them temporarily, or permanently, if your d cannot get her life straightened out. it is so unfair for children to live in fear. and it is not going to give them much in the way of preparing them for life on their own. what are they learning about being a woman?

i dont know much about child protective services, but if you think the children are in danger, and the d wont let you take the children to stay with you, i wonder if they might give you temporary custody, til your d can get her life back.

keep posting, and know there are so many here that are familiar with your situation, and will be able to give more help.
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Old 10-25-2010, 08:04 AM
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Welcome to SR....I hope you'll find the support that I have found here.

There is no doubt that you are in a tough spot and I honestly don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes.

I do have a grandson who is five years old. He lives with his mother (who is very responsible) and her family. My AS has very little contact with his son and when he does, it is supervised (by me) and will continue to be so until he finds recovery.

Our thoughts are always focused on what is best for the child. My AS is (in theory) an adult and is able to care for himself. My grandchild is not.

We are eventually going to have to address the issues related to his father's addiction. Personally, I will be consulting with a therapist to discuss the best way to manage the situation so that it is done in the most respectful and loving way for both the addicted parent and the child.

So....that's how we are dealing with our situation. I'm not sure if sharing that helps but perhaps it will give you something to toss around to see if there is some bit or part of our solution that may help you in your situation.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:37 AM
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Thank you chicory and Kindeyes for your responses. Yes, like I said, if it were not for my grandkids living there, I could let go of the whole situation a whole lot easier as I've had to do in the past.

I am grateful that at least my AD is aware of both her addiction and abuse so that's a beginning and awareness is the big first step for both afflictions. I know her also being bipolar is a huge detriment as well.

You know, I'll see mothers and daughters out shopping or having lunch or watch my sisters with their daughters, and I am so envious of their interactions sometimes because I've never had that with my AD. There has always been turmoil with her; first because of her bipolar disease which made her childhood almost unbearable at times for me and through her young adult and adult life with the addiction with cocaine, two troubled marriages and divorces and now this opiate addiction along with living with an abusive BF and of course alcohol during all and in between.

I also have a 44 yr. old brother who is currently in NA and actually doing well for the first time in his life and I'm grateful for that and I hope and pray my AD once again finds her way out of this addiction and out of this abusive relationship she is in.

I am prepared to take the kids if I have to and they love coming to grandma and poppy's house so that's not a problem. I realize they are in fact worried about their mom, more so with the 9 yr old. She's in this "take care of mommy mode" which worries me tremendously.

If I thought the situation warranted taking them away from their mom I would do it in a heartbeat without hesitation as I have done in the past. One more phone call from my grandkids during a fight will definately make that decision a lot quicker for me.

Thanks again!
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Old 10-25-2010, 11:48 AM
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It is a very emotional issue with grandkids involved, isn't it?

When my granddaughter was born, I did everything possible to get custody of her for 5 years, short of hiring a high-priced attorney, which I did not have the money for.

When my grandson came along, I was exhausted in every sense of the word.

Their father did eventually win custody after the divorce, but he's had zero backbone in regards to doing what's best for the kids.

Now my 15 year old granddaughter lives with her mother. Ugh.
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