dwnNout

Tough Love? Stick by his side? Enable? Just a mom trying to do right for my son. He has been trying to quit oxy for a year now. Kicked him out off and on. Recently I took a vacation when on the road it was put heavy on my heart it was time to bring him home, he has hit rock bottom. He is going to end up dead or in prison. I had this feeling once before with my eldest in 1996 moved two states, he did rehab and he has been clean and sober a great roll model! His friend whom he was with 24-7 ended up beating up a rival kid, he died and they all went to prison for life. Fast forward to now - my youngest son wants to quit oxy, he wants to stop trying to do it his way and go treatment we are on the same page. He went to detox could not last 5 days, stayed 2 days one night. It's been nearly a week back on the street says has no craving and has been sober since a day before he went into detox. He is still willing to go to get inpatient, is he doing fit or himself or for me? Should I let come back home? Am I enabling? In the meantime we are waiting on insurance approval? He has broken so many promises, stolen etc..Any words of wisdom?

First time poster,
DwnNout

WHATTODO2

I would not let him back in. I can only imagine how bad you feel for him. He has to find his own way. If he wants it badly he will do it himself. Give him the love he needs but let him fly on his own. You would not be helping him by letting him back in (as harsh as that sounds)

My AH is living in a motel. It makes me feel for him but just went I almost put out the sympathy flag there is the action, something off, that reminds me I have done the right thing. The one thing I DO know is addicts are great at lying!

keepinon

I'm so sorry.. i have a heroin addicted daughter who is now in a sle. I think inpatient is the way to go..having them at home is so hard for everyone and usually not the best choice. I did detox my daughter here for 3 days before she went to rehab. She was willing to go to the hospital and do what they said until she could get into rehab. hard position. Hope he gets into a program soon.

dwnNout

I know I did do exactly that. But I wake in the middle of the night or can not sleep at all. The thought that he overdoses(while though love) and his body is dumped on the side of the road just kills me. Yet I know what you mean. On my road trip I just can't explain the feeling of urgency. I was amazed when I got back that he had the same urgency when we talked. But that drug has such a strong hold, he thinks like a roller coaster ride. Did I mention he has two little sisters at home JH and HS age. Thank you for your reply.

chicory

dwnNout,

prayers for your son, and for your family,
chicory

357girl

I feel for you. My daughter became addicted to Oxycontin, then moved to Heroin because Oxy was too expensive. I also live in the Seattle area. It's hard, in the beginning especially, to do what you have to do to find your own peace and not get wrapped up so tight in their addiction that you can't take of yourself. You have to find your bottom too, just like they do. It took me 2 years to get to where I am today. My daughter has been in out of treatment centers, outpatient, detox, sober living house, DUI, overdose... in only 2 years and she is only 20. :'( I can, however, live with myself knowing that I have done ALL i can do to help her and now it's up to her. She knows how much I love her.

Just remember, you CAN'T do this for him, he has to do it for himself. When they are so messed up in their brain, sometimes a helping hand to lead them to water is just what they need. Many times you have to take them to the water, over and over again, and hope they drink....

I will pray for you and your son. He is lucky to have a mom who cares enough to come to this forum and look for support.

briana09

I have an AH and cannot even imagine one of my sons being addicted. Im so sorry you have to go through this. But, I have to agree with some of the other posts; that if he really wants it, he will do anything and everything to get better and be clean. He knows how much you love him. Prayers your way Momma!
This forum has been a blessing to me--even just reading other peoples experiences! Day by day....hang in there.

dwnNout

357girl Wow I feel for you, I hope your daughther is doing better. Its in the middle of the night and looks like he lied again............why am I surprised. I woke and there are two knives being heated up on the burners of the stove don't know what the use is for but I'm sure nothing good.

litehorse

dowNout - my prayers are with you and your son - so many difficult choices we have to make - i understand how it tears at your heart to think that if you turn him out he could end up dead - i kept letting my son come home because of that same fear - it didn't help him get better - i can't say what to do but i do know that it took me a long time to accept that the addict doesn't think like you and i do - what seems logical, supportive, and caring to us is interpreted by the addict as another avenue to keep the addiction alive until they are truly ready to stop the madness - when that moment will come we cannot know -but i have come to accept the fact that they must come to it on their own-

laurie6781

(((((dowNout)))))

First WELCOME to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) from folks who have been or are where you are now.

MY personal 'opinion', myself being a double winner, both in AA and Al-Anon for almost 30 years is this.

Do NOT bring him home. He has to find his OWN WAY. He has to find his OWN BOTTOM. I lived the streets for one and a half years, and it was only when I became 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' did I show the "willingness" to find Detox on my own and a place to 'learn' some toolss (a Sober Living Facility) so that I could maintain my sobriety.

BTW before I hit the streets, my folks and family had gone complete NO CONTACT. If I called on the phone they hung up, if I showed up at their door, it was closed in my face, and I was told if they caught me event attempting to steal from them, they would call the cops. (I believed them.)

It stil took another 2 1/2 years, the last one and a half of those, living the streets of Hollyweird (Hollywood).

It was THE BEST THING MY FOLKS AND FAMILY EVER DID FOR ME.

Having worked with A's now for over 29+ years I have seen what the rescuing/enabling can do. They each must reach their own bottom and show the willingness to get get help. Then finding that help.

I know you love your sons VERY MUCH. My mother told me, after I had been clean and sober for about 3 years, that going NOT CONTACT was the hardest thing she had ever done, but it was necessary for her, my father and famlly to do it, because otherwise, they would end up locked up in a padded room in straight jackets. You see they had reached their 'bottom' also.

The made it plain it was "my problem and it was up to me to get out of it.

So ............................ J M H O do NOT bring him back into your home. That would just delay his finding his bottom and giving him the 'willingness" and the will to 'stick with recovery.'

I would suggest that you check out at least 6 different Al-Anon meetings to find one where you thing you 'fit' and to purchase a copy of Melodie Beatties book "Co Dependent No More." Read it, highlight passages that stick you to you, got back and read it again and again, it is an "Eye Opener."

Sending you love and prayers from NM for you and your family.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!!!!!