katie53

ad called from prison. Gets out in 4 wks which will add up to 3 months total. She asked if she could come her for 4-6 weeks until her unemployment checks start and then she could get a place in a rooming house she used to live in. She has nothing, the clothes on her back is all she has. She has been going to meetings in prison, bible study, seeing a social worker etc, As you know I have guardianship of her 16 yr old daughter and 4 yr. old Grand asked me to let her stay as she feels it will help her mom stay clean. My fear is it could get very tense and if I would have to tell her to leave it could crush her daughter and I'm sure you know all the other drama that could take place. It's so sad because 9 yrs ago we had a beautiful relationship, she is my only chid. I am actulally not excited about having her here. I told her if I would, I needed to talk to her first about my boundaries in advance. One of the things that bothers me is she talked to her daughter last nite while I was at her school for open house. She mentioned to grand about talking to me about coming here before she ever mentioned it to me. I just feel it was a matter she should have talked to me about first. This is so hard for me to sort out. I always felt this day could come, I was just hoping it wouldnt.

suki44883

I wouldn't do it. From what you have posted about her, I wouldn't trust her. She is being very pushy about this and trying to get her daughter to work on you in the meantime. Don't let yourself be pushed or guilted into doing something you don't feel right about.

dollydo

If it were me, I'd say no. I am afraid this will turn into one bad adventure.

outtolunch

We moms sometimes need to be reminded that we are not our adult children's only option. ( where have I heard that before?)

Ann

Indeed, we are not their only option nor are we even a good one.

It rarely works. I'm not sure of your legal status with these kids, but I'd make sure it is solid and in place so she can't use the kids as pawns, or worse, take them and leave.

Your sanity, the stability of the children, come wayyyy before her "right" to come home.

Check other options. Soberliving comes to mind. You have 4 weeks to check options (I say you, because you can be certain she won't and it's for your own peace of mind as much as her living convenience).

Good luck, take care of yourself and the kids first.

Hugs

outtolunch

It does not sounds like she has any intention of taking responsibility for herself by seeking employment. It's all about what others/the system/you can do for her.

chicory

This is certainly not a comfortable position for you, I know.

Doing what is best for the children and you is the most important thing.

even though she does probably think it would be great to be at your home with the children, it is not fair that she can come right back into the childrens lives , without some good things to offer them. such as a working mom. I know it is not easy to find work, but perhaps if she feels like she has something to work toward, as providing a home for the children, she may try harder?

I am sorry that you are in this position. Maybe just telling her no now would give her time to figure out some other arrangement.
sending a big mom hug,
chicory
\

hello-kitty

Katie, I'm sorry. I wish I could say "do it" and feel good about it but I just can't. If she is ready to be clean and sober, than she will do whatever it takes to keep working a program when she gets out. She'll do whatever it takes to repair the relationship with her children. She'll understand that she has failed her babies and her family and that it takes time to rebuild trust.

She'll want to prove it. She'll go to a halfway house if she has too. She'll do whatever it takes. And she won't use drugs. No matter what.

Give her some phone numbers. Tell her to talk to her PO.

Protect the kids from having their hearts broken again. Past performance is the number one predictor of future behavior.... I'm just sayin'.

Spiritual Seeker

She's only asking for 4-6 weeks.
You have a little time to think about your decision.

Impurrfect

(((Katie))) - you're already having gut feelings that this is NOT a good idea. I don't know about you, but my gut feelings are always right.

She can find a place to go, see if she works her recovery and can visit the kids IF she's doing what she should be doing.

When I got out of lockup, I was fortunate to have a job (I was in a diversion center and required to work). I got a motel room that I rented by the week, had to take busses/trains for 2-1/2 hours each way to work and my motel was slap full of dope dealers. I had a roommate who was locked up with me and we worked the same place. We worked, came home and holed up in our room and we survived.

You are NOT her only option. Yes, it's hard to get out of lockup and get back on track, but it's not impossible. Most prisons have programs in place to help people find a place to live.

I know this is hard on you, and think it's very unfair she talked to her daughter before even mentioning it to you.

Prison may keep a person clean, but it isn't a cure. She's put you and her kids through hell. Personally, I'd want to see her work her recovery, in the REAL world, before I even considered letting her come home.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CarolD

My son got into a Salvation Army program....he was broke
and homeless. They give him space in a house they
run.....he agreed to do x hours of work for them weekly.
He also is going thru a job retraining deal....for free.

I long ago refused to allow him in my home.
Each time I did...he stole from me....not only
money/possessions.....but my peace and serenity....

I spent about 10 years dealing with his various
addictions......then......I turned him over to God.

You are doing enough by taking care of the children.
Bless you for giving them love and care.

katie53

thank you. You are all so good. Yes, it is hard but I other times she was here sometimes to visit and I was always on edge. She treated her 16 yr old like her best friend. I felt as though I had 2 teens here. As far as I know she onl;y had 4 hours a week of therapy. She needs so much more. She said she want to continue going to meetings and living here waould help her as I would make her accountable. I explained to her that "no I won't". Maybe I'm being selfish but I don't want to be responsible for her. Should I call her po? I know there is one sober living home here but it is full.I know I need to say no but at the same time i feel that mothers guilt. she said she can't get a place becouse she has no money but the last time she eas in jail she get a room without any money. she could contact the same landlord as he helps people in transition. Here, was never a place she wanted to be before. anytime after teatment or jail she always wanted her own place. not this time

Serenity Bound

Katie, I have to agree with the others. You really need to say "no" for your own serenity. As most of us, we speak from experience. Now my situation is a little different, since my daughter had 6 months clean under her belt and a good recovery
network going. My dh & daughter decided it would be good for both she and her
daughters to move in with us. (hmmmmmmmmmm....no one asked my opinion and I'll
tell you I would not have been pleased) As it stands, she is living with us, has just
celebrated 8 months clean......but you know what....even with that....my serenity is
not what it should be.

Hugs,
Chris

kiki5711

My older daughter did that to me. I was going through chemo for colon cancer, had just mascectomy 4 months earlier, and all she could do was drink and fight which landed her in jail for 3 months.

While I was struggling to get through chemo, I had to watch my grandaughter, (3 yrs old at that time), which is what drove me to drink from morning to night.

My daughter and her actions almost drove me to kill myself.

I had to kick her out. She moved out with her boyfriend and found a job. She then tried to use me to watch my grandaughter while she has time off after work and go out on weekends.

Did she think about me? HELL freaken no! I was drowning in pain and depression and guilt about my grandaughter.

Last episode, a few weeks ago, she again left my grandaughter with me saying she's not going to live with her boyfriend and needs a place to stay. (meaning my house) I told her grandaughter can stay, but she will have to find a place with a friend.

She eventually moved back in with boyfriend but did not get her daughter. I told her that I will take custody of my grandaughter and take her to court to pay me child support.

She took her daughter and I haven't seen them since.

keepinon

katie.. for sure you should not be the one to hold her accountable..yuck..it would be like having 2 teens in the house! If she is old enough to have a teena ge daughter then she is damn sure old enough to find a place to live. Look at what Impurrfect had to go thru..2 1/2 hrs to a not glamourous job.THAT is commitment to recovery.not crashing at mom's until your unemoplyment checks come in. Go with your gut..best for you AND your grandaughter..she wants her mom..you know what is best though.